.... And No Way Out
by Birgit Staebler  
The funeral was over.
The hall was empty.
The tomb was closed.
He was alone.
Everyone else was gone, had left after the ceremony. They had also probably left the asteroid this burial chamber had been erected on. He hoped they had because he wanted to be alone. Standing in the vast hall of the deceased Autobot heroes Rodimus Prime felt small and insignificant. He stared at the statue of Optimus Prime, which had been erected in the hall.
"Why?" he asked. "Why did you have to do this to me?"
Silence.
He knew he would never get an answer. He knew he'd always carry that question with him. Rodimus sighed deeply. //Why did you have to choose me, Optimus Prime? Why didn't you choose someone else?//
>>Arise, Rodimus Prime....<<
He flinched at the memory, though it should be a pleasant one, because it marked a step further in his 'career'. From one of the crowd to Autobot leader.... But something inside of him still rejected the new name. It wasn't him..... it just wasn't.
//Why me, not someone else??//
Well, Optimus had chosen someone else, he reminded himself. He had chosen Ultra Magnus, giving him the Matrix when he had died... or had he? But then the Matrix had ended up with him. //Why?// he asked desperately. //I'm not a leader! I'll never be one either! It had to happen to me, of all the available Autobots.....//
Maybe he had been chosen to keep the Matrix until the true leader came along. Maybe. And then he remembered how he had retrieved the Matrix from Galvatron, how its power had washed through him, changing his body, changing his position among the Autobot ranks.... //It didn't change Ultra Magnus. He was his old self, except for the Matrix in his chest. I'm no longer Hot Rod.//
He felt like crying out his pain to the world. It wasn't a physical pain, it was emotional. The changes had not only been bodily. Rodimus touched his chest plate which hid the Matrix from sight. He knew it was there, pulsating ... alive. He was acutely aware of the device; it was like an alien object inside of him. As if it didn't belong there.
//And it doesn't belong there! It's not meant to be there!//
With the Matrix came responsibilities, stress and mental pressure. The others looked up to him as their leader now. Well, maybe they didn't quite look up to him, merely turned to him for decisions, but it was still different. And even if he decided something he knew they were always silently questioning him. A few days ago he had been a careless, wise-cracking youngster. Now he had been thrown into an impossible position, impossible to escape from. He couldn't very well decide to relinquish his post because he was the Chosen One.
//Uh-huh, Chosen One. Damned one would be more correct. Curse you, Optimus Prime! // He raged silently. //You knew it from the start, didn't you? The Matrix even showed it when you dropped it and I caught it. It glowed, and I felt this strange sensation for a few seconds. I thought it was simply a feeling everyone had when touching the Matrix.//
Had he known what was to come ... what would he have done? Left the Autobots? No. He could never have done that. He had felt devastated by the news of Ultra Magnus loosing the Matrix, more devastated than by his supposed death. //Yeah, right. I didn't feel as shocked over Magnus' possible death than I did when I heard about the Matrix.// He had hidden those feelings well, had shown the expected amount of shock, and later relief, but secretly he had always been deeply afraid of loosing the Matrix to the Decepticons. //I knew I had to get it back ... I just knew.//
>>Maybe the Matrix can stop it....<<
>>You're right, it can!<<
>>What do you know about it, lad?<<
>>I just know .......<<
//Yes, I knew somehow. I knew it all along....
"And you knew too, didn't you?" he accused the statue. "You knew it would chose me in the end!"
No answer.
//Yeah, right, blame the dead. Way to go, leader.//
But he wasn't a leader ... that was the whole problem! He turned desperately away from the tomb and stared at all the others, the others who had fallen in the battle against Unicron. //Too many have died. And why didn't I die instead of Optimus Prime? I survived the Quintessons' trial, I survived Unicron, I survived Galvatron's challenge. Why didn't Megatron kill me when he used me as a shield? Why didn't Optimus shoot? He could have finished this, once and for all!//
Those memories rushed back to meet him like a tidal wave. He once again saw Megatron reach for his weapon, which was hidden from Optimus Prime's view behind a protruding piece of metal. Hot Rod had just arrived at the battle field; he had seen what Megatron was planning, had realized that Prime wasn't aware of the weapon.... he had acted.
>> No, you don't, Megatron!<<
He had jumped the Decepticon leader, trying to get to the weapon and save Prime.
>>Out of the way, Hot Rod!<<
Optimus Prime's order echoed in his mind again and again. That had been the moment, the crucial, all deciding moment ... where he had condemned his leader to death. His behavior had been rash and thoughtless.
One shot, two, three, four.....
Rodimus clenched his hands into fists, trying to keep himself from slamming them into the wall.
Again, again and again .... He heard Megatron's voice, saw the shots hit home, ripping into Optimus Prime's body ..... He witnessed how Prime staggered back under the shots, fluids gushing out of the terrible wounds ....
//No .... no....NO!!/
The nightmare came back full force for the first time. He hadn't had time to think about it for as long as there was the battle against Unicron, as they were fighting for their lives, for Cybertron. Then there had been the short victory celebration, a first conference, and it had been made official that he was Prime's successor. And then the funeral .... Now he had nothing to keep his mind from wandering to this one moment in time.
Megatron had used him as a shield to hide behind and then he had shot Optimus. Rodimus remembered this with an unnatural clarity; it would forever be lodged in his memory circuits.
>>Till all are one<<
And the lifesigns dropped even further .. died completely.
//What have I done? Great Cybertron, what have I done??? I killed him. It was my fault. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! I just wanted to help! What will keep more Autobots from dying ... because of me? I can't lead!//
He stared at his shaking hands.
//Why did I receive the Matrix if I killed you? // he questioned the silent graveyard. //It wouldn't accept a killer, would it? It didn't accept Galvatron, but then he is a Decepticon.//
Rodimus felt terribly alone ... frightened; frightened of all the responsibilities that were to come, that were his. There would never be a time when he could just circumvent a decision and wait for someone else to do it. He would always be the Autobot leader, the one who was supposed to decide.
//How long will I be leader? Until someone finally sees the truth and decides that the Matrix erred?//
Rodimus sighed deeply. How had he made it through all those hours of the pre-ceremony tasks, the quick conference, the flight to the asteroid .....? It was like a dream now, something he hadn't quite taken part in. He had made decisions, given orders, given the others things to do. The ceremony had been long enough for Rodimus to wish it would be over, and it had been very moving. Daniel had cried silently, his mother Carly holding him wordlessly. Spike had been at their side, a stony expression on his face. Every Autobot able to attend had been there and the hall had been packed with mourners. It was empty now .... and he felt hollow and alone. He wished there was someone at his side to advise him, to help him.... to talk to ... to confess his fear.....
What about Kup?
The thought of the old warrior filled him with a mixture of relief and dread. Kup was prone to giving advice, but he was also someone to criticize everything he didn't know. Hot Rod had a lot of experience with Kup and his constant criticism. Rodimus Prime knew that Kup, and the others as well, were wary of what they would now get with him. They were used to a living legend, he realized. How was he supposed to go up against the standards Optimus Prime had set? The things he had done? The heroics.....
//I'm going up against a martyr and idol. What chances do I have? None! I'm too young! I can't do this!//
"Rodimus?"
At first he didn't react. Part of him was still not used to the name. It made him feel uneasy. //'Prime'..... yeah, right. The new Autobot leader... the kid who is cursed to wear the crown.// He turned and discovered Springer. The triple changer looked apprehensive, like he didn't want to bother him.
//A few days ago I was just one of the guys, now no-one wants to get close to me. What are they afraid of? I won't bite! I'm still the same person! Does the Matrix and with it the obvious change mean so much that it will terminate every bit of old friendship? If it does I don't want it anymore! Take it back!, // he told the ghost of Optimus Prime. //Do you hear me? Take it back!!//
His face showed none of those warring emotions. "Yes?" he asked, his voice neutral.
"The others are waiting for you," Springer said. "We were wondering where you were....."
Rodimus turned back toward the statue again. //Yes, good question. Were am I? Certainly not where you want me to be. Certainly not a leader. I'm in the dark somewhere, desperately searching for a light bulb..... I'd even take a candle.//
"But if I'm interrupting something ..." Springer went on.
Rodimus held up one hand and shook his head. "You're not, Springer. I was just ..... taking care of some more things," he said evasively. "Let's go. The others shouldn't wait for me any longer."
They walked through the vast hall and the doors closed after them. Rodimus Prime didn't look back. He felt like running away, throwing the Matrix out, making someone else take it. //Yeah, but who would want it? Ultra Magnus? Don't think so. It destroyed him the first time. Kup? Maybe. But I don't think he's cut out to be a leader. Uh-huh, and you think you are, Roddy? Get real! Your brain is full of speed racing and fun times..... not leadership and battle tactics!//
And how had the Matrix imprinted itself on his mind? How had it change him inside? It didn't give him wisdom, he had already discovered. He was still the same, had the same memories, the same dreams and feelings. But he had surpress all of this to lead the Autobots.... he had to change
//Can't we just turn back time? Can't I make this fateful decision to help Optimus Prime in his battle once again? He would surely have lived if I hadn't interfered. ..... Or
 would he?//
As he entered the shuttle he noticed how the others looked at him, their eyes full of questions they wouldn't voice out aloud.
//A few days ago they would have. Hot Rod had no lone position at the top. He had friends. Oh, damn!!! Damn, damn, damn your very soul all the way to Hell, Optimus Prime! Why me! Why?// he cried silently.
His outward demeanor was calm and in control, but his emotions were running wild.
"Let's go home," he simply said.
Ultra Magnus nodded and started the engines. The shuttle shook a bit as it lifted off, then they left the asteroid. Rodimus watched the insignificant piece of rock grow smaller and smaller, finally disappearing completely.
//No way back. Right. I'm stuck with that cursed Matrix. Everyone suspects I'll screw up all the steps along the way and I don't even trust myself to make any important decisions. What kind of a leader will I be? Maybe the last one. The one who leads every Autobot still alive after this disaster into death.//
With those gloomy thoughts he turned and sat down in one of the chairs, ignoring his friends' looks. He tried to focus on the next challenge awaiting him: rebuilding Autobot City. It would give him some more things to ponder and worry about beside himself. And after that he'd find another task, and another .... and ....
//It's damn lonely at the top. Damn lonely.//