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Friday, April 29, 2005
update on request
I had a dream last night I was in a building, an old-ish office type building. Then I walked outside to the porch area with Shinta & Eric, and it turned out that the yard was a football stadium and France was playing Spain or something. It was a strange dream. Tonight is Koninginennacht...party time...if i get my money today, that is. tommrow, koningninendag... hope the weather's up for it, it should be fun.
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Friday, April 22, 2005
musings
It would seem that a lot of things i said in the past to a particular person, turned out to be true. not that i knew it was at the time. er... what i mean to say is that on previous occassions i've mentioned, expressed, a few observations, and based on said observations, concluded a quick summary of the situation. the other party would say "nah... you're just being paranoid", and naturally, given my history of slef contradicting nature, i would think and say, "yeah.. you're probably right." It would seem that a lot of things i said in the past to a particular person, turned out to be true. I 'm glad that somehow i haven't come down with a severe bout of i-told-you-so-itis.
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Thursday, April 21, 2005
auto dialog
"yes, it hurts." "no, i'm not okay." "it feels like i'm running out of branches to to stop my fall, i'm frantically grabbing them, but they're just too far away." "well yeah i know, but it just isn't so easy...I was HAPPY, God damn it! What did I do? where did I go wrong? Wasn't I the nice guy? isn't the saying " nice guys finish last" just a myth?" "yeah but still, I can't blame anyone but myself. I just won't." "you can bitch all you want about it, it's not going to change anything." "stand tall, live life,...as long as she's happy, you're happy too, right?" "..." "right." "..." "then why does it feel like the knife in my heart is being twisted?"
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...
I suddenly feel like this is the end. denials of what has been happening recently are starting to fade away, and the pain is *really* starting to set in. never more in need of a caring embrace.
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
i'm up, i'm up....
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Monday, April 18, 2005
self portrait
pics of me... these don't come along too often.  
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Kevin Oei, evenement met pijn
I'm in pain. physical pain. I think i might have damaged my shoulder, as it really hurts when I try to move it from one position to the other. If i hold my arm straight up, on the way down it'll lock up and give me a hell of a poke. I hope it's nothing serious. My ribcage seems to be bruised or something as well. feels like a nerve might be rubbing against it or something. Can't take any deep breaths, and to sneeze just kills me. but other than that, as i wrote my parents just now, all is good.
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Sunday, April 17, 2005
D70
I have in my hands... a Nikon D70. i will now proceed to move mountains. (thank you to Angga, who lent me this device of awesome power)
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Hearing her cry totally destroys me. You can think you have it all under control, things are going to be okay... and then that sound... I'm crushed to the ground, brought down in an instant. The pain comes flooding back, but it's pain of guilt. I feel guilty as hell, for pulling the plug. But those who know the real story will tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty. I did what I had to do. But I still can't shake the feeling that I did something so terrible to her, that what I did was unjustified, and that I should open my arms and get back together with her. I don't know, man. I really don't know.
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Heavier Things
I am crushed by what has had to be said, what has had to be done, and all these flying emotions and thoughts are messing me up. One thing I hope I'm seeing correctly is the glint of sunlight through the dark clouds, promising better things ahead. I really hope it's true. for the both of us.
Waktu Yang Tepat 'tuk Berpisah
Dan bila kau harus pergi
Jauh dan tak’kan kembali
Ku akan merelakanmu bila kau bahagia
Selamanya di sana walau tanpaku
Ku akan mengerti cinta dengan semua yang terjadi
Pastikan saja langkahmu tetap berarti
Bisakah aku tanpamu sanggupkah aku tanpamu
Sehangat pelukan hujan, saat kau lambaikan tangan
Tenang wajahmu berbisik
Inilah waktu yang tepat ‘tuk berpisah
Selembut belaian badai saat kau palingkan arah
Jejak langkahmu terbaca
Inilah waktu yang tepat ‘tuk berpisah
Ku akan pahami cinta
Dengan apa yang terjadi
Pastikan saja mimpimu tetap berarti
Aku tak pernah mengharap kau ‘tuk kembali
Saat kau temukan duniamu
Aku tak pernah menunggu kau ‘tuk kembali
Saat bahagia mahkotamu, bila kedamaian s’limutmu
Jangan kau kembali…
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The Da Blogger Code
after messing about with the damn template code... lets see if it finally works. consitently. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Curabitur feugiat vulputate nulla. Nullam porta enim et elit. Sed mollis consectetuer eros. Duis tincidunt purus at arcu. Aliquam sagittis accumsan nunc. Duis lacinia dictum lectus. Aliquam erat volutpat. Sed quis ligula at massa pulvinar scelerisque. Ut non dolor ac purus rutrum auctor. Sed semper fermentum nunc. Vestibulum faucibus, risus vel bibendum adipiscing, nulla lacus tincidunt pede, vel sodales elit velit sodales orci. In sagittis enim a wisi. Morbi et pede. Suspendisse potenti. Nulla a mi. Suspendisse aliquet. Mauris nec felis egestas enim volutpat lacinia. Vestibulum pretium elit a leo. Duis sollicitudin. Praesent nulla. Sed fringilla. Nunc ligula. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Curabitur ut metus. Mauris nibh. Vivamus orci. Fusce ac nunc. Maecenas quis sapien. Praesent luctus pulvinar nibh. In ultricies dui non tellus aliquet mollis. In venenatis convallis dui. Nulla turpis urna, lacinia nec, bibendum in, ultrices ullamcorper, ante. Etiam sed leo. Maecenas cursus quam nec wisi. Sed molestie rhoncus quam. Maecenas ac tortor vel dui vehicula hendrerit. Aenean a nisl. Nullam mattis sagittis lorem. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Phasellus est. Nunc non justo. Sed sollicitudin eleifend tortor. Vivamus vestibulum, est sit amet faucibus sollicitudin, diam neque vestibulum tortor, id rutrum ligula augue sed velit. Quisque eu metus a orci facilisis sodales. Nulla facilisi. Sed semper. Maecenas at neque in pede feugiat bibendum. Mauris suscipit nulla ac metus.
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Monday, April 11, 2005
Hello Darkness, my old friend
picture perfect. 
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Sunday, April 10, 2005
Agnus Dei
Agnus Dei Agnus Dei Dona nobis pacem Agnus Dei, Agnus Dei Dona eis Requiem In pacem aeterna pacem, in pacem. [listen]
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Tommy
Right now I'm so sleepy... I don't know why. I had enough sleep I think, around 6 hours. but still, I'm wasted. I'm sitting here, wondering how my life will play out in the coming weeks. I've had a long talk with Greena a couple of hours ago, we agreed on spending some time apart to get used to this whole thing. I hope I made the right decision. ona a lighter note, I managed to get Tommy to look at me and snap a shot of him yesterday. He's so cute. 
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Saturday, April 09, 2005
Patrick Pooijer and his holy blog
Back to webdesigning...running out of ideas. I guess all this blog-template building got me in the mood tp make on for myself. Football practice after work, but I don't know if I'm up for it. Doesn't feel like I'm up for anything right now. 
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Friday, April 08, 2005
Overcome
still freezing, I'm not sure what's going on with my life now. It's not easy on both of us, but I just can't see any way out of this. Right now I guess i just have to focus on myself, on work. It's cold here.
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"Forcez, goedemiddag, met Kevin..."
Sitting here, freezing, all out of ideas for my assignment here at forcez. Everyone's out, so I'm taking calls. I'm still in denial about my situation with Greena. It feels weird. to have a planned life ripped away from you, cutting the road you're traveling and leaving a huge cliff in front of you. Back on unknown terrain. So this is where I'm at in the first quarter of 2005. This is where I start over.
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