(approximate length, 6 pages)

It's been reported elsewhere that God invented sex as a joke on Adam and Eve. God was surprised when they didn't laugh, but took the whole business seriously instead. God didn't actually invent sex at all, directly speaking. The Almighty would never have found delight in working out a way of fitting a pipe into a hole, as a means for transferring small amounts of fluid. If sex had been the work of God, then Its children would have been proud to engage in the activity as an act of worship, openly performing before enthusiastic audiences, like dancers and musicians. Sex wasn't even the idea of Adam and Eve. They'd been happy enough doing the odd spot of gardening, sunbathing, kissing, (which God did invent as a means of subliminal communication), and generally fooling around, No, sex was all the idea of Cain.

Let's dispel some delusions concerning Adam and Eve. They weren't the first people and didn't live in paradise. They were two of the first batch of humans, all of whom had been transported from Heaven following many eonyears of unruly behaviour. Their memories of those unfortunate events had been buried by God, but feelings persisted which made them shy of company. In fact, for so long had the couple shared their happy lives, that the very idea of other people no longer occurred to them. Adam and Eve just carried on in their own sweet, contented way. They were enjoying life.

During that period of transportation, some spirits became dislodged from their bodies. Quite how this happened is hard to determine, though the evacuation was a subject of much urgency, so a slip here and there is hardly surprising. One loose spirit was Cain. He roamed the surface of the planet, growing very lonely and miserable. Everywhere, he came across people enjoying the undeniable delights of life. (All states of being have their advantages.) And there was he, without a single flake of flesh with which to express himself, nor a single fellow spirit with whom to communicate. For in those times no people died, unless they encountered enlightenment and chose to return to Heaven. If he could have spoken with someone, then maybe Cain would have been satisfied. Instead, he was completely alone.

By chance, Cain happened across an area now of legend; the Garden of Eden. It was a beautiful and temperate place, always bathed in warming sunshine, during the day at least. At night, the vastness of the Milky Way straddled the clear skies, and the moon acted as a benevolent mirror for the light of the sun. All seemed pure and peaceful. A cheerful brook babbled and bubbled to a lake. Tweety birds sang songs only really appreciated by other tweety birds; songs of love, hope, worm eating reports or some such. Elegant trees grew tall and the bushes and briars hung heavy with succulent fruits. Food was plentiful all year round. And the sweet scented perfumes of flowers permeated the air, urging the bees to their business. It might not have been Heaven, but it was far nearer there than hell.

Cain sensed this gorgeous setting and the happiness of the couple. His heart weighed heavy in his metaphorical breast, as he knew himself to be but a spectator. Its beauty saddened him. Though such was its beauty, that it held him entranced. Longing began to fill his psyche.

A middle-long time he spent in Eden, wishing upon wish to be admitted to its company. His emotions altered again and again. Sometimes he loved the garden; sometimes he hated it. Then he'd find delight for the happiness of the people; now jealousy. Eventually though, the seed of an idea unfurled within him. Everywheree he looked, he could see things growing. If he had but a little flesh, then maybe he could do the same.

After much more thought, Cain concocted the theory of sex. More time passed as he tried to devise the mechanics. He considered techniques which would now seem repulsively perverse. Others, stupendously dull. After much trial and error, he hit upon the familiar method we know; a synthesis of flesh and spirit.

He built the technique upon the physical territory at hand. The first prototype people had been based upon mutant angels. They were genderless. When the ethereal factories went into mass production, people of two broadly similar types were produced. These differences of detail were entirely due to the shapes of the moulds, and the manner in which they were attached to the conveyor belts. It wasn't until Cain that these minor bumps, pipes and apertures acquired more significance.

Biologists tell us that a baby starts developing in the body of the female. Strictly speaking, this is not correct. Children actually begin in men. To explain this, perhaps it's easiest to follow the progress of Cain.

He entered Adam via his left nostril and managed to establish contact with the subconciousness of his host-elect. He asked for a grant of some flesh, only to meet a stubborn refusal. He demanded it and again was rebuffed. Raised to anger, Cain determined to steal some flesh. After all, there was plenty available. He began to assault the spirit of Adam. (During this time, Adam complained of a headache.) Being less emotionally encumbered, the purer spirit soon subdued his parent-to-be. In response to this malady, the body manufactured antibodies to repress the invader. They roared around the blood stream searching for the malignant. The defenders scampered through the liver, thoroughly scoured the kidneys and examined the heart. It was in the heart that Cain stole one of these cells. (They're at their most relaxed there, and so more vulnerable.) That cell became the protoembryo of his body. Driving at breakneck speed, Cain journeyed down the torso of Adam's body, eventually arriving inside of what are now called the testicles. There, he rested after his exertions and ate to bolster his strength. The cell grew and grew, until it resembled a microscopic tadpole; a sperm. The next stage wasn't easy for one protoembryo working alone. He left his base and proceeded to open all the valves he could find in the vicinity. Blood flowed through the passages, causing the first erection. (This task has since become easier, as the number of spirits seeking birth has increased.)

"Eve," a horrified Adam yelled. "Eve, help."
"What is it?" she asked in alarm. "Good grief, does it hurt?"
"Not hurt, but it feels strange."
"Sit down. Let me look." They both sat and Eve began to examine the swelling. "It's very warm. Have you been stung?"
"I don't think so. Oh help, it's getting worse."
"I've got an idea." She took a firm hold and tried to squeeze the swelling down. "Is it working?" Adam said nothing and began to smile strangely. "Perhaps it needs more pressure," She placed the penis between her knees and began pressing.

"Ouch. Not like that. You're hurting."

Eve considered the problem for a short while. Then she lay back and pulled Adam down too. She guided the near solid flesh in between her legs, and used movements of her pelvis to try and crush the swelling. Adam's response surprised her. He began thrusting his body inside her. Before they knew what was happening, they'd discovered feelings of both warmth and pleasure.

All this thrusting and squeezing intrigued their spirits. It was suddenly all they wanted to do. Eve's spirit became a magnet, and that of Adam found the attraction overpowering. There seemed nothing else in the world worth doing. Pressures built up in Adam until something had to give. And into Eve shot the embryo of Cain, propelled in a jet of liquid. Her spirit was so excited by the activity, that it manufactured a parcel of food to welcome the newcomer. He reached this egg, nestled in and began a deep, satisfying sleep.

The two adults disengaged their bodies and embraced. They said nothing, just snuggled up to each other until they too were asleep. Their faces were content.

God looked down, surprised and happy.

Cain had devised a method whereby spirit could fuse with animated matter. However, as each action has its opposite and equal reaction, this innovation was not without its costs. Birth can only occur with death.

When a man reaches maturity, spirits seeking an entry to the treadmill of life flock into him. They hijack cells and nourish their protoembryos from their host, thus sucking life from him. Over the years, this leads to his now inevitable demise. In the time before sex, people didn't know involuntary death. But, as generation begat generation, so lifespans shortened. And as the numbers of hopeful spirits increased, so the energies of men were drained faster. This further accelerated when the reincarnationists discovered a new trick. Instead of relying upon just one cell, spirits learned to divide themselves between several, even in different hosts. This allowed the population of the living to increase.

Though secondary, the role of the female in procreation is of as much importance. Her body nourishes the protoembryo into an embryo. As the child is born to the female, it's assumed to have been conceived within her. However, as explained, this conception is actually the idea of the child, not the parents. The eggs produced by women have likewise shortened their lives.

Each of the millions of sperm form themselves in the fashion of Cain. They act consciously. They then race to reach the required nourishment of the ovum. Only one sperm can succeed. (Multiple births are due to another trick evolved by spirits. Several may agree to ride the same cell, pooling their resources to enhance their chances.) The remainder must return to Heaven. On rare occasions they give up and get used to eternity. As most of us are incapable of showing such tolerance, they almost always try again. And again. Obviously, it can take thousands, even millions of attempts before a spirit gains a body, but they possess time in abundance. Such is eternity.

Adam and Eve took partook many times of this new found activity. Once, a serpent in a tree saw them. She watched with interest and noticed the joy they derived from their odd behaviour. Inspired, she called on a male serpent, who had been busy sunning himself on a neighbouring branch. She explained her wishes and he thought, "what the hell, it sounds weird but it could be fun." They too discovered sex. Exhausted and still entwined, they fell to the ground. Having derived great satisfaction, the snakes also mad a regular habit of sex. This was observed by a pair of monkeys, who in turn were seen by a starling. Before long, it had spread faster than fire in the driest of summers. All the animals encountered sex. And the trees saw too, and the other plants, and they adopted the activity, fashioned to their own modes. The forest commenced procreation, and spread its message far and wide with missionary zeal. And sex became central to life on Earth.

Parents labour under a misapprehension. They feel they must care for their offspring, because they are responsible for their entry to life. Parents aren't aware that they have been used until it is too late. They love and care for their charges, not realizing that procreation has given birth to death. Fortunately perhaps, the children share the same delusion. Whilst they grow in the womb, their memories of previous events fade away. As the child sets out upon the voyage towards maturity, mother and father must scrimp and save, work and slave, all for its future. For the kid's sake this is all to the good. For their sakes, the only advantage afforded is the dubious satisfaction of seeing another life grow at the expense of their own. If they were to sit and think, most parents would realize this. Children are lucky that their parents are too occupied to have time for the luxury of thinking.

Still, instinctive feelings of revenge do persist. Little ones are reared with the insidious notion of raising more little ones themselves. In time, they are told, they too will be mummies and daddies. They will give their parents the blessing of grandchildren. Blessing! The only blessing involved is vengeance. As Mr and Mrs Gramps sit cosily in their now peaceful home, their instincts could chuckle at the plight of their children. However, that's not what generally happens. This revenge is double edged. The scene is a peaceful afternoon, pregnant with the promise of an equally peaceful evening. The telephone rings. "Hello, mother? Look, I hate to ask this, but do you think you could baby-sit tonight?"

"Oh of course, I'd love to," her sense of duty replies. "Tell them to go to hell," her commonsense should argue. Commonsense has been battered by her upbringing though. Instead of being concrete, life has watered it down to runny cement. She even takes masochistic delight from these junior relations, who gurgle and vomit from one end, and are less polite at the other.

This pitiful plight we can blame on Cain, and all those who have subsequently been duped.

At that time, changes we would now expect occurred in Eve. These sorely frightened the couple. Her belly began to swell and she complained of uncomfortable internal movements. Adams feared that she'd swallowed a snake. She felt so off colour, that she even abstained from sharing sex. Then one day he couldn't find her. Adam searched all their usual haunts. He called her name to the breeze, which brought back no reply. All the 'hours' of daylight he dedicated to this fruitless search. And then, as despair darkened the tones of his concern, he heard a whimpering, crying sound coming from the direction of the lake. He pledged himself to ignore this misery, until he had resolved his own. Nevertheless, his hunt was drawn to the lake, perhaps by some subliminal recognition. And once there he found Eve, washing a small bundle of a new person. And so had arrived the first child.

The Earth orbited the sun. The Earth orbited the sun. The Earth orbited the sun. As we would now say, years passed. Sex spread to conquer the entire world and Cain grew into a man. With sex came death, and with death came birth. And this cycle evolved evolution. God watched it become the rule of Earth. And through its haphazard methodology, new forms of organism gradually emerged; cells amalgamated in unexpected forms. Subtlety built upon subtlety. The passion of life assumed an infinite potential for expression. God wondered what people, what Cain even, might come up with next.

In those naive days, evolution was only just starting to adapt biology and culture. Times were simpler and 'sin' unknown. Male and female encountered each other, asked and, if they both felt so inclined, followed their desires. Quite how all the complexities grew up around sex is impossible to unravel. Certainly, they are most perplexing. For example, why are some bodies, (and bits of bodies), more arousing than others, depending upon the cultural context? If sex appeal was based upon a performance rating, then it might make more sense. But where is the logic in wanting to make love with a man, because he has an attractive chest? Or with a woman, because of the shape of her behind? What has the display of brightly coloured tail feathers got to do with the prowess of a peacock? And how on Earth does a female moth attract mates by breaking wind? This process has become curious indeed.

As an example, let us pay our respects to modern western woman. Some of these strange creatures go to peculiar lengths to enhance their sexual attractiveness. They often have a sense of dressing, which somehow accentuates their form more effectively than a state of undress. By allowing a bold display of shoulder, a peek of upper breast and a tantalizingly slight glance of leg, many of the younger ones are able to send their male compatriots apoplectic with excitement. They have learned to style their hair and paint their faces with artistic aplomb. The lilt of the voice is part of the armoury of amour. They can even call upon the use of smells extracted from the animal realm. Secretions from the scent glands of antelope and, of all things, ambergris; second hand sperm whale vomit! Maybe more than anything else, this arousing employment of sick shows the sophistication which has developed around such a simple activity. Imagine trying to explain this to the initiator of the scheme.

"She dabs vomit behind her ears?"
"Well Cain, only an extract from the more solid stuff."
"And you find this attractive?"
"Well yes, so long as it's sperm whale vomit."

And how was this unexpectable quality discovered? We have Captain Ahab, before his contest with Moby Dick. On this trip he is hunting sperm whale. They catch up with an unfortunate straggler and plunge harpoon after harpoon into her body. The whale is filled with burning, blinding agony. Being intelligent, she knows her death is near. Filled with horror, she begins to retch. Ahab turns to the first mate and demands a bucket. One is produced. "That creature's going to throw up," he explains. "It's reminded me of my wife." The first mate wanders offstage, completely dumbfounded.

And so he returns to New England, and the loving embrace of his good lady. "I've brought you a present from the seven seas, my dear." He shows her the contents of the bucket. She introduces him to her lawyer and divorce proceedings begin.

This ambergris makes you wonder. What turns a male sperm whale on? The females have been out for the evening, knocking back giant shrimp until the early hours. They return home feeling the worse for wear. One of the party has to nip behind an oceanic mountain to preserve her dignity, and empty her overfilled stomach. She chunders. Suddenly, a male appears from nowhere. "Wow babe, that really does it for me." She tries to ask what he's on about, but throws up again instead. "Yeah, magic mumma. Magic." Aroused to a pitch of frenzy, he surrenders to his urges. The poor cow is in no state to resist. The huge bull thrusts into her with immense force. This causes her to vomit again, which excites him all the more. Eventually, they both lie back in the sea and drift exhausted. The mountain is plastered with puke. "Yeah, the sea moved for me too, lover," he sighs.

Or maybe sperm whales are aroused by something in human vomit. This could explain the stories of vessels being attacked by mysterious sea monsters. The ocean is rough. The sailors are being sick. A nearby sperm whale catches a whiff of this aphrodisiac. He goes to investigate and observes the hull of the ship above him. Was it a giant octopus that accounted for all those disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle, or a huge serpent? Perhaps neither. Could it be that they were unwitting victims of would-be Romeos, aroused by seasickness? Such are the possibilities unleashed by sex. We will never understand every strand in the construction of its web.

Without doubt this is a very strange world.