Where did they get my e-mail address? I don’t know, but it probably wasn’t from the Nigerian Chamber of Commerce. Addresses are collected at random from guestbooks, staff directories or wherever they might be found.

Who are these foffs? Mostly, but not always, they’re people from Africa. Because the English used is often somewhere between mildly original and painfully funny, some might assume that they’re idiots. Wrong! Remember who’s managing to make money from these junk e-mails. Generally, these messages are sent by people who are not native-English speakers. I don’t know what your grasp of African languages is like, but mine’s virtually non-existent. As I've been reliably informed, that's typical of us oyimbos.

What are your relevant qualifications and can I trust your advice? I haven’t got any relevant qualifications and don’t advise people to rely upon my opinions. For financial concerns, consult your bank or accountant. For legal matters, visit a consumer protection agency or a solicitor. If you have sincere concerns for your personal safety, inform the police.

I’ve received an offer concerning x million dollars. Is it genuine and what should I do? It’s not genuine. You should ignore it. You could also contact the Internet Service Provider who delivered it. This will be shown in the e-mail address. Send a copy with the headers to abuse@(the ISP).com. They enjoy closing the accounts down. You could also contact the police. Replying to the foff is not recommended. If you intend to anyway, set up a separate e-mail account under an assumed name, and do not reveal any personal information. Lie your head off.

While most are frauds, how do I know this one isn't genuine? Evolution has equipped you with one of the most effective brains in the world. Use it.

Can't you produce a list of things to look out for? I could, but it would also be a list advising foffs of what not to write. That would be useful for producing more effective fraudulent messages. As just stated, evolution has equipped you with one of the most effective brains in the world. Use it.

Are foffs con-artists? Certainly, (though some of the stories are so incompetently constructed, that maybe a few are simply mucking around).

How much money are you making from these scams? None whatsoever.

Why did you send me that ridiculous message? I didn't.

I accidentally gave them my office phone number and am slightly worried. What should I do? Stay completely calm and do nothing. Maybe they'll ring you up. That’s not so bad, though it may get slightly annoying. You might think through some scenarios of how to respond. You could hang up, which is the easiest method. You might tell him to stop being silly, or claim to be your personal secretary and say you’re in a conference. Why not tell him you’re George Bush, rather busy at the moment, and have never heard of yourself? Or speak Chinese. If it’s a large office, introduce him to your colleagues; all of them. If you’re feeling slightly bored, you could also pretend to be some historical or fictional character, try to sell him life insurance or attempt to convert him to The Holy Fellowship of Ug. If very bored, try all three together! Another possibility is to ask him to hold the line, wander off for a cup of coffee, a pizza and a game of golf, come back five hours later and then hang up. He’ll stop calling. It’d get expensive.

Are they dangerous criminals? In some cases, I wouldn’t be at all surprised. When there’s illegal money to be made, violent people are attracted. To be on the safe side, assume yes. It’s better to be safe than slurry, (beaten to a pulp). ZD Net News, Six arrested over ‘Nigerian e-mail fraud’, 21.5.02 http://zdnet.com.com/2100-1105-918960.html This reported case from South Africa includes indications of drug dealing. I’ve have come across claims of kidnap and even murder. However, as far as I can gather, most foffs aren’t natural born killers. More usually, they’re young men with not much money, and not many prospects. Cyber cafes in Lagos apparently charge a dollar an hour, which is ample time to send a lot of e-mails. A few of the participants are actually wealthy, and this isn't necessarily due to successful foffing. Money is the primary motivation but, as with fishing, many people find the activity fun. BBC, Nigeria grapples with e-mail scams, 22.4.02 http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/africa/newsid_1944000/1944801.stm As this is important, it bears repeating: stay safe and assume your foff is potentially violent. If you should arrange a meeting, DON’T turn up under any circumstances, (except perhaps after consultation with the police).

Why are you making excuses for these criminals, you naïve fool? Poverty’s no excuse for crime. I’m not. Read again. Furthermore, there are worse things to be than a naïve fool.

I've just been informed I've won a million dollars / euros / pounds in a lottery, but I didn't buy a ticket. What's going on? It's nothing to worry about. Someone's only trying to rob you. This is a variation on the same theme. You'd have to pay some 'expenses' at some stage, and your money would disappear.

Do they really make money from these schemes? Yes. Some people pay the non-existent advance-fees demanded. It also wouldn’t surprise me to learn that major foffs make a pretty good income by cheating minor foffs; computer access, phone rental, supplying addresses and fake documents, impersonating officials etc. I have no evidence for this. However, which is the most effective way of profiting from a gold rush; digging for gold or selling spades at inflated prices? David Ashenfelter, Detroit Free Press, 21.9.2002 How A Poet should not do the book-keeping Law firm out $2.1 million in African fraud. I told you foffs make money from these schemes. (With thanks to Alexander Kerensky for informing me.)

Hi. Despite having enjoyed the benefits of an extensive education and being in a highly paid job, I'm a cretin. I received an offer from someone or other and nearly sent him thousands of my hardly earned dollars because he had a nice smile. An acquanitance (I don't have any friends for some reason) sat me down in front of a shotgun, and suggested I check out that guy's name in the web. That's how I found your so called 'humour' page. It then finally dawned on me that this guy was trying to rob me. I looked at the Frequently Asked Questions and discovered there's a lot of this going on. My question is this. People are being robbed out there. How dare you write humour on the subject? Why don't you get off your fat arse and do something about this? I'm so angry, I'm going to rant on about this for many hours. Don't you dare put the phone down on me. Now listen here... I agree completely. You are a cretin. Have a good rant.

Your page is very funny. Would you consider producing an article for our magazine, newsletter etc? I'm pleased you asked. Yes.

Your page is very funny. Can I nick some of the content please? No.

My foff sent a link to a genuine bank's homepage, and the manager there confirmed his story. Surely this must be true. This is a supposedly genuine homepage of a bank in South Africa: The Chartered Investment Trust Bank http://www.citbonline.com/ However, it's a fake and is hosted by a free Nigerian Internet Service Provider. As suggested, foffs aren't stupid. Some can do good fakes. (With thanks to N Amato for the research.)

Do you want to help me catch my foff? No. I’m not the police.

Morality? BBC, Warning over Nigerian mail scam, 10.7.01 http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_1431000/1431761.stm (Quote: But Nigerian High Commissioner Bola Ajibola said the people falling for the scam were as culpable as the fraudsters. "It is unfortunate that we have some of these gullible people who can easily get targeted with the idea of a lot of money somewhere," he said. "I think it is not only stupid for people to do that but they are what we call "criminous participants", they are also criminals themselves.") I have discussed this, confidentially and avoiding specifics, with one of my foffs. He said he looked on this fraud as revenge upon rich scammers, who’d cheated his parents. Maybe that was just a way of rationalizing away guilt, assuming he felt any, the truth or a straight lie. I’ve no way of knowing. Be that as it may, these messages are usually invitations to rob some of the poorest countries on earth. If someone with a reasonably comfortable standard of living is prepared to participate with such an activity, and they end up getting stung for thousands of dollars, then I think the Nigerian High Commissioner is correct: "they are also criminals themselves". Hopefully, they might gain some humility and honesty from the experience, unpleasant and expensive though it might have been. The wealthy usually have lawyers and financial advisors. They have protection available. Most people are less well-off and more vulnerable, especially if they’re up to their necks in debt and worry. I have received several e-mails from people in difficult circumstances, who claimed they were on the verge of being sucked further into the mire, courtesy of their foffs. To their credit, they had the initiative to do some background research of their own, and stumbled across my page. If this really helped them avoid a terrible mistake, then that’s satisfying. Crimes of Persuasion http://www.crimes-of-persuasion.com/Crimes/Business/nigerian.htm This site contains lots of information on various styles of frauds.

Why haven’t you addressed such and such a question? Perhaps I’m not qualified to or have never thought about it. If you think something should be added to this FAQ, or something altered, I’m open to suggestions.

Do you really get asked these questions frequently? Some more frequently than others, but yes. I also receive occasional insults from people who somehow conclude that I'm sending all these strange offers out, making an enormous stack of money and posting the diary of my ill doings on the web, so humanity can see how rich I now am.

What? Show me. No. Deranged or not, I've treated such messages as private. However, I might include such material in the future, should somebody prove amusingly obnoxious enough. A couple have been tempting.

Mugu? What do these West African slang words mean? Federal Government College Odogbolu Dictionary of slang http://www.geocities.com/fegosian/slangs.html Babawilly's Dictionary of Pidgin English Words and Phrases http://www.ngex.com/personalities/babawilly/dictionary/default.htm (With thanks to Sun Tsu.)

Does that mean 'How to Become Rich Dotcom' is a weapon in the war upon fraud? No. It’s purpose is humour, which is a serious business. Neverthelss, this is where scammers face trial and get laughed at. If How to Become Rich Dotcom has provided entertainment or warned you from being defrauded, thanks can be sent via Paypal. As you can work out for yourself, this site costs time and money to keep on-line. A generous heart doesn't pay the bills. Please support a humble humourist providing free access to information for all. The correct e-mail address to use is: rich-dotcom@arcor.de. www.how-to-become-rich-dotcom.de - putting the in before sanity.

What's the rest of your site about? The homepage contains a collection of material on diverse themes. How to Become Rich Dotcom: a humorous treatment of a serious theme. "I thought that offer from West Africa (or wherever) sounded suspicious." You were right. For some background information, go to the top of this page. Mesozoic Mammals etc: a non-scientific fanzine concerning mammals and protomammals (collectively known as eucynodonts) of long ago. "It's very technical. Can't you write 700 words that a ten year-old could understand?" Don't underestimate ten year-olds. See Mesozoic Mammals, a concise and reader-friendly introduction. "I could understand that! Have you got an ology in this subject?" No. I'm a writer with unusual hobbies, not a scientist. "Oh. Could you do a readable article for my publication?" Mail to Trevor Dykes Welcome to Dipwytch! Dipwytch is the most charming virtual village in the world. I know because I write it. For further stories and reports use the above link. "I like those stories and would like to publish one." Mail to Trevor Dykes "What about those lotteries?" They're not as real as Dipwytch. For some background information on Advance Fee Fraud, go to the top of this page. "I enjoyed that non-Dipwytchian story / article about... Are there any more?" Yes. See Trevor's Essays - humour. "I want to publish one." Mail to Trevor Dykes "This whole section seems to be an advert." I'm a better writer than I am a salesman. I've heard it pays to advertse. Mail to Trevor Dykes

WANTED: A LITERARY AGENT AND / OR PUBLISHER... How to Become Rich Dotcom is a free and independent webpage dedicated to humour. Over the years, it's inadvertently enabled some people to avoid being conned, and that's fine. No donations are sought, though messages of thanks are welcome and confidential. However, I'd like to adapt some of the contents into a book. As you've been able to read for yourself, it's funny. Should you happen to be a kindly and loving literary agent or publisher, I'd be happy to hear from you. Or if you're a mean and hateful one, that'd be fine too. In the opinion of at least one renowned critic, (Self MY): "it's much funnier than a lot of the stuff that passes for humour in magazines and books, and would probably sell better too." Should any of the contributors wish to discuss matters of copyright, please report to your local police station for arrest.