I screwed up. Completely and utterly. Destroyed it all in a single moment of thoughtlessness….
And jealousy.
Trip stopped as that popped up in his mind.
Jealousy.
After such a long time, after having a steady, trusted and tight relationship with the man, he had become jealous? What did that say about him?
Pathetic. He was pathetic.
Staring at the mashed food that had been his dinner just moments before, Tucker shoved it away and leaned back, staring out of the view port, watching the silent stars. Just on the other side of that window, somewhere to the port, was the source of his troubles. A small transport vessel called the ‘Navaar’, with an alien crew that had gotten into trouble when their weapons systems and engine had blown. Enterprise had come across them a few days ago and had offered help. They had been beside themselves with thankfulness.
Efil, they called themselves. They were humanoid, with a strangely patterned skin, some of the patterns intricate tattoos, some pigmentation. Hoshi had been excited to learn a new language and Trip had been happy to fiddle with the engines, talk to the two engineers, get to know their warp drive and impulse engines more closely. And Malcolm had taken care of the weapons system. While Trip had holed up in the engine room, Malcolm had buried himself in the small access hatches and endless, tight shafts that led to the torpedoes and cannons, trying to figure out how to make repairs without blowing up the whole ship. The weapons had become dangerously unstable because of feedback from the engines.
“I see you’re back to playing with your food again,” the dry voice of Jonathan Archer startled the engineer and he looked up, shooting his best friend a brief smile.
“Yeah, well.. don’t tell Chef.”
“I’m not suicidal,” Archer commented and sat down opposite. “What’s up?”
“Repairs to the engine are nearly complete, but we have to wait till the weapons are reconnected to the controls. Might bust something or other again. Wonder who designed their systems. It’s a bit chaotic.” Trip shrugged and drank some of his ice tea.
Archer chuckled. “I heard as much.” He watched the commander for a moment, then sighed. “But it’s not what I meant. What happened, Trip?”
Tucker looked up again, trying to wipe any kind of expression from his face. “Happened, sir?”
“Don’t give me the innocent look, Trip. Doesn’t work. The last time you did this with your food was after you and Malcolm got together, and you didn’t know how to deal with the changes in your life. So I figure this has something to do with Mr. Reed again.”
Trip refused to answer or to look into those knowing eyes.
“Well, I’m right on track then,” Archer went on. “So if I cast my mind back a few days, look at what’s been going on around me, see how the two of you keep avoiding each other and trying not to be too obvious about it… I’d say it has something to do with the Efil. Something happened on that ship and it affected you and Malcolm. I want to know what it is.”
Eyebrows rose, silently offering him to chance to spill it. Trip stared at his food. Archer shook his head.
“Trip… we’ve been working on the Navaar for a week now. For the last three days, things have been very… strained between you and Malcolm. I also noticed that he isn’t working on the weapons systems any more. You are. He is always aboard Enterprise, doing his regular shifts and then some more. What is going on?”
Trip sighed again. “I… screwed up, Jon,” he finally said, not even trying to hide behind more declarations of having no idea what his friend was talking about.
“In what way?”
“I…” he inhaled deeply, “three days ago, I pulled rank on Malcolm because I was pissed and sorta jealous…” He looked into the surprised eyes. “I know it was wrong, I know I used my rank to hurt him, and I know it’s not like an officer should behave.. an officer of my rank.. but when I saw.. I mean, you know the Efil are bi-sexual an’ see nothin’ wrong in approachin’ anyone for some fun.. they friggin’ told us! I just lost it.”
Archer frowned. “Let me get this straight,” he said slowly, “you came to blows with Malcolm Reed over a feeling of jealousy because one of the Efil had approached him?”
“Yeah, well, looked like it to me, Jon. The guy was pawin’ him!”
“And Malcolm was doing what?”
Trip felt himself redden with embarrassment. “I think he was tellin’ him no. But at the time I just saw red and charged in,” he added miserably. “Told him I’d be takin’ care of the weapons system testin’ and realignment. I ordered him back to Enterprise. Told him in no uncertain terms I didn’t want to see his ass anywhere close to the Navaar.”
He shrunk into his chair as Jonathan shot him a look of disbelief. The captain shook his head.
“You ordered my armory officer off the Navaar?”
“Yes, but…”
“Because he was … approached by an Efil?”
“Well, yeah, kinda. But, Jon….”
“Not threatened physically, just approached in a more… intimate way?”
“Yes, but…”
Archer’s expression silenced him. Tucker closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
“Trip, how long have the two of you been together?”
“Two years, five months, seven days,” came the meek reply.
“So?”
“Jon, I just.. lost it. I saw him and I felt so betrayed all of a sudden. I don’t know why. I just did!”
A small part of him did know. So did Jon. It was just damn painful to really admit it to himself.
“Have you talked to him since?” Archer asked reasonably.
Trip shook his head.
“Then do it, commander, that’s an order. Settle it. Or I will do it for you.”
“Jon…?”
“I won’t have two of my senior staff treating each other with distance, especially not you two.”
“But..”
The expression on Archer’s face let him shut up. Archer was serious. Either Trip dealt with it or the captain would. Tucker cringed inside. As much as he loved Jon as a friend, he didn’t want him playing counselor on this. This was a private matter. Well, it had been a private matter. He had made it public by being such an idiot and using his rank. Still, he and Malcolm had to make this up on their own.
Somehow.
And he had to make the first step.

* * *

“Can I help you, commander?”
The cool British voice, the clipped tone, had Tucker wince.
“I’d like to have a word with you, Malcolm. In private,” he added.
Reed looked around the armory. There were two more of his people here, all busy at their stations. He gazed back at the man in front of him and nodded briskly.
“Sir.”
“My quarters. Ten minutes, please?” Trip requested.
“Yes, Sir.”
He winced again. Malcolm, though always formal when on duty, even to him, had never sounded so distant, so military. It was even worse than on their first mission together.
For the last three days, his life had been hell. He had been aboard Enterprise to sleep and eat, so he hadn’t seen much of the other man, but when he had, the expressionless mask Reed wore instead of his face, the empty eyes, had made him feel sick. He had done this. He had hurt his lover. Because he had been so damn jealous.
Trip walked out of the armory, each step heavy. What if he couldn’t rectify that mistake? It wasn’t just a small hiccup, a difference of opinions. He had used his superior rank to get Malcolm away from the Efil engineer; because of his personal feelings. Even now he could see the cold stare, the resentment in his lover’s face, and the disappointment. That had hurt the most. But he had been unable to go back on his decision, his order. They had always been able to separate private from public, emotions from their duty. But three days ago, Trip Tucker’s control had failed, and he had made one humongous mistake.
 

Ten minutes later he was facing formal distance in form of Malcolm Reed in his quarters. Reed stood to attention, eyes and face carefully bland, back ramrod straight.
“At ease, Malcolm, we’re not at the Academy, for cryin’ out loud!”
The armory officer didn’t relax his stance a minute. “Sir,” he only acknowledged.
“C’mon, please… I didn’t ask you to come here to talk to you as Commander Tucker. This is Trip, okay?”
“Lately, it has been hard to tell the difference, Commander,” was the only reply, still cool, still formal.
Okay, he had earned that. He deserved that.
“I know I was an ass back on the Efil ship. It’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I… wanted to apologize.”
“I believe the situation was clear, as were your orders, Commander. There is no need for an apology.”
“Will you cut the crap, Malcolm?” Trip stared at the other man. “There is need for an apology! I… didn’t have the right to do what I did!”
The gray eyes flickered over his face. “Then why did you?”
“I was jealous!” Trip snapped, anger and embarrassment sizzling through him. “I was so damn jealous of that Efil engineer pawin’ you! Sizin’ you up as if you were his next lay!”
Malcolm’s mouth dropped open and the dark-haired man blinked. “Jealous?” he sputtered.  His stance faltered and the reserve crumbled at the revelation.
“Yes!”
“Do you really think of me as so shallow as to betray you with another man? After two years?”
“No. No, of course not,” Trip amended. “But the way he looked.. and he touched you, Malcolm! He groped you! Damn, he had his hands everywhere an’ I don’t want to remember where his mouth was!”
“And if you had stayed, you would have seen that I wasn’t interested. He approached me and I declined,” the Brit explained, voice suddenly slightly cooler again.
“He mauled you like a wildcat!”
“And I refused further interaction. It was an attempt that led to no further incriminating contact, Commander Tucker. He apologized for assuming the wrong thing. Apparently, some of my body language was misinterpreted. He also inquired as to my bonding state. I told him I had a partner.”
Trip swallowed hard. “I didn’t know that…”
“You could have asked me.” Reed met the blue eyes of his lover. “I thought you trusted me.”
“I do!”
“But only as long as I’m in your line of sight, commander?”
Trip winced. His rank again. Distance. He deserved that. “No, Mal, no…. I was under pressure. Didn’t help to know that the Efil consider same sex relationships normal either.”
“So you made up your mind about them, thought every single male was out to get me, and you pulled rank to get me off that ship? Is that correct?”
He grimaced. “Yes.”
“Well, thank you for it, Commander Tucker! I had initial doubts about falling in love with a superior officer for just that reason!”
“Malcolm, please, listen…”
Gawd, he had hurt his lover. Deeper than he had initially thought. Trip had drawn an imaginary line between them, stating he was the superior officer and dragging their private lives into this difference of rank.
Yes, there had been the initial discussion at the beginning of their relationship, especially about Tucker’s superior rank. Malcolm had voiced his reservations, the problems he foresaw, but until now, nothing had ever come between them.
“Did I ever question your faithfulness when it came to the assorted female alien encounters you had?” Reed wanted to know.
“Malcolm…”
“Do you even know how painful it is to see you flirt with every single one of them?” the Brit went on, ignoring his pained expression. “Do you know how often I asked myself if in all the two years, I was just a plaything? Something to pass the time with? That maybe I had read you wrong, that what I see in your eyes when we are together is just a game? Do you?” he demanded.
“I would never cheat on you,” Trip whispered. “Never. I love you!”
“But you think of me as a cheater, right?” Reed drove his point home.
Trip exhaled explosively. “No. I just thought that maybe you had grown tired of me…”
“Why, for god’s sake, would I think that?” Malcolm exploded. “When did I ever signal that I don’t want you, that I don’t love you?”
Trip scrubbed a hand over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. He felt so tired, so exhausted. Ever since that incident, he had slept badly, and the work load wasn’t helping.
“I’m sorry, Malcolm,” he murmured. “I was so confused…” He looked up, meeting still icily furious gray eyes. “You know you’re my first male lover and I was hopin’ you’d be the only one for me. I mean, I believe that this is it for me. My chance at happiness. You and no one else.”
Tucker gestured vaguely, looking unsure.
“But I know you had others before me. Hell, I’ve never been in a relationship where I wasn’t just as experienced as the other, maybe even more. I don’t know when it started, but it all was so good… An’ as always when I feel good in a relationship, it happens. I was waitin’ for the other shoe to drop. Aboard the Efil vessel, I heard it droppin’. I thought you had grown tired of me, gone on to find someone better… My track record with relationships was always rather bad. The girls I was with dumped me. Each for a different reason.”
His voice stumbled to a stuttering hold.
Reed’s face transformed into an almost comical display of disbelief as Trip spilled his insecurities out in front of him. “So you thought I was like the Efil? That I’d just say thanks and that’s it? Because of some quickie on an alien vessel with a person I had just met? You thought I would risk us? Something I treasure? You believed I was so shallow to throw everything out the next airlock?”
Tucker evaded his eyes, but there was a faint glimmer of hope at the words ‘something I treasure’.
“Trip… we’ve been together for over two years now. It’s the longest relationship I ever had myself. It’s the most serious one I ever had. I don’t go around sleeping with people out of a sudden whim!” Reed shook his head and walked over to where his lover leaned tiredly against the wall. “And I wouldn’t dump you just because someone strikes my fancy. Simply because you aren’t my first male lover doesn’t mean I’m after every male ass I meet! I told you a long time ago that I had just figured you out. Well, maybe I was wrong! Maybe I missed a tiny bit of you!”
Tucker swallowed hard. He had always thought himself free of preconceptions, but one had reared its ugly head. Just because Malcolm had been with a man before didn’t mean he was prone to sleep with anyone crossing his path. It was like accusing his past girl-friends of doing the same.
“I’ve never been in a same-sex relationship,” he mumbled. “I was scared, Mal. Scared that you’d just up and leave. It hurt so much just to think of that… so I took that pain and lashed out.”
“Do you know how much I feared that you would dump me?” Malcolm told him, meeting and holding the tremulous blue gaze. “You are a woman type, Trip. Half of the female crew would love to get their hands on you – don’t look so surprised! You know it. And I know you like it when someone finds you attractive. And you are. Very much so. I’m proud to be your lover, your partner, but I’m also afraid that one day, you might just tire of me and find a woman instead. Even females of other species have looked at you, checked you out, but I trusted in you, in us, that you wouldn’t cheat.”
He reached up and cupped one pale cheek, rubbing a thumb over the light, one day’s stubble. Trip unconsciously leaned into the caress, briefly closing his eyes.
“You like to flirt, Trip Tucker,” Reed went on, voice soft. “You just never get any more serious than that. It took me a while to understand it, but I do. You are very special to me.”
“You are very special to me, too,” Trip whispered. “And I don’t want someone else, man or woman. I want you. You are… my life, Malcolm. It’s why I had this short fuse when I saw you and the Efil. You’re a damn attractive man yourself. I was jealous an’ scared, an’ I panicked. I saw red, wanted you away from there. All I could think of in that moment was usin’ my rank. I never intended to.”
Those gray-blue eyes were serious as they studied him for a long while. “You know I’d never use our relationship to gain favors. You know I respect your rank and while on duty, you are my superior officer and I will follow orders of Commander Charles Tucker III. But I won’t let myself be ordered around by Trip, my lover, because of jealousy.”
Trip nodded mutely. Malcolm let his hand fall away from the pale face. Tucker felt a flash of fear mixed with apprehension.
“Malcolm… we are… are we still? I mean, you’re not endin’ this, are you?”
The fear raged through him, almost strangled him. What if the armory officer took this one faux pas and held it against him for all eternity? What if he used it to get out of the relationship now?
Please, he begged silently.
“Are you?”
“No!”
Malcolm smiled and leaned forward, brushing a kiss over the trembling lips. “Neither am I. I love you. I want you. Very, very much. You are part of me, so badly that I can’t think of being without you. No relationship is without its ups and downs. As long as we talk about it, I’m fine.“
Trip wrapped his arms around the smaller man and buried his head in the crook of his neck. “I love you,” he told him, voice muffled. “I don’t want to lose you because of my own stupidity. I need you so much.”
“Then think next time. Ask me before you assume.”
Trip nuzzled the slender neck up to one ear, a hand resting on the curve of his lover’s hip. “I will. I promise that I will. Jon will probably kick my ass from here to Jupiter station if I screw this up.”
Reed drew back, a look of surprise on his face. “The captain…?”
Trip smiled sheepishly. “Guess I didn’t look so hot after I came back from the Efil vessel. He asked. I told him what I did.” He hugged Malcolm closer and kissed one temple, reveling in the strong arms that came around his waist. A sigh escaped his lips as the lieutenant gently kissed and teethed his throat. “Jon told me to straighten it out. I guess he would have locked us into a room together until we made up – or killed ourselves.”
Malcolm chuckled. “Nice to know someone’s looking out for this relationship.”
Trip drew back until he could look into the gray eyes again. “Yeah, ‘specially when this Southern fool’s messin’ it up again and again. What have I done to deserve you?”
There was a twinkle in Reed’s eyes. “Lately? Not much.”
Tucker smiled ruefully, then he was pulled into a tender kiss. Malcolm nipped at his lower lip, then traced it with his tongue. Trip moaned as the warm body pressed hard against him, tightening his hold and pulling them impossibly closer. Their tongues danced leisurely together., exploring each other. Nimble fingers slid underneath his t-shirt and the blond moaned into the hot mouth that was ravaging his as those fingers found all the right spots.
When they finally parted, there was a flush on both faces.
"You know, you're awfully cute when you're jealous," Reed murmured, eyes alight.
“Mal, I… have to get back on duty,” Trip whispered, pleading with his lover to understand, apologizing all the same, and hoping against hope that that simple sentence didn’t destroy what had just been reaffirmed.
“I know,” the armory officer answered. “We’ll continue this… later,” he added in a low, husky tone that was halfway between a threat and a promise
They stayed in each other’s arms for a while longer, Malcolm’s head resting in the crook of his lover’s neck. Finally, Tucker couldn’t prolong it any more. He had to go.

* * *

Repairs of the Efil ship were finished the next day. Trip had overseen the last tests of the engine and weapons systems, realigning some more transmitters until everything was running smoothly.
“Commander Tucker?”
In front of him stood an Efil. According to the uniform, he was with this ship’s armory team.
“Yes?”
“You are Lieutenant Reed’s partner?”
A frown crossed his features. “Who are you?” he demanded, not answering the question.
“My name is Fer,” the Efil introduced himself. “I was the one who mistakenly thought the lieutenant to be… available. I approached him because of it. I believe I have caused problems between the two of you. I wanted to offer my deepest apologies.”
“Ah…” Trip stammered. “I… uh…”
“Lieutenant Reed gave me all the signs of being interested, but I didn’t take his species into account.” Fer looked embarrassed. “I found myself too attracted to him to think very clearly.”
Fer had had the hots for Malcolm, Trip realized, feeling a stab of the same jealousy he had experienced before. He squashed it. It was over. Malcolm hadn’t been interested in the guy.
“He told me he already had a partner. That you were steady.”
“Why do you think it’s me?” Trip heard himself ask.
“Because I saw you after I made my approach, commander,” Fer explained, smiling. “It was very clear to me just who Lieutenant Reed’s partner is. I hope I didn’t cause any … disharmony?”
Tucker sighed. “Yeah, well, I… behaved like a jackass, blew my mouth off, but I apologized.”
Fer nodded slowly. “As I have now. Commander, tell me, is it customary on your planet to give gifts when something like this has happened?”
“Er, kinda. But not really between men, y’know.”
“I see, though I can’t say I understand.”
Trip shrugged.
“On my world, we give gifts. Special things.” Fer reached into the tool belt and pulled out something small. He laid it onto his palm and held it out to Trip. “I wish to give you this, Commander Tucker. It is something to present your partner with. A gift to mend things.”
“What is it?” Trip inspected the small stone. It looked like a very expensive piece of jewelry.
“You could call it a dream stone. We use it for relaxation. Here, let me show you.”
Fer touched the stone at one side and from one second to another, the room ceased to exist and Trip stood in the middle of a star field. He gave an exclamation of surprise, almost falling as his sense of balance tried to coordinate with his visual input. Fer curled strong fingers around one arm.
“You are still aboard the Navaar, commander. This is merely an illusion. It is called Infinity. If you wish, I could program another setting.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Trip breathed, his eyes taking in the myriad of stars, the nebula not far away, the small moon to his left. This wasn’t unlike the holography on the Xyrillian ship.
And then it vanished. He inhaled sharply, trying to regain his balance.
“Whoa! That’s somethin’, Fer. Thank you.”
“It’s a small gift to pay for the damage I never wanted to do.” Fer smiled again, tilting his head. You are lucky, Commander Tucker. Lieutenant Reed is a very attractive male.”
The engineer felt a smile cross his features, a wide, proud smile. “Yeah, I am and he is.”
And he’s my attractive male, he thought possessively.

* * *

Malcolm had retired to his quarters when the mess hall had filled with too many people for him to work quietly on his current project. He was just going through some schematics when the door rang.
“Come,” he said absent-mindedly.
The door swooshed open and then closed again, but no one announced himself. Slightly annoyed, Reed looked up and felt a smile cross his features when he discovered the identity of his visitor.
Trip, dressed in his civvies, returned the smile. They had parted ways with the Efil ship a day ago and ever since, Tucker had been down with his engine. While Malcolm hadn’t really felt the necessity to be with his lover after the incident, it had smarted that Trip was so intent on his work again, pulling a double shift because of some problem or other that really didn’t demand the chief engineer to be there 24/7.
“Hey,” Trip now said. “Got a minute or am I disruptin’ anything?”
Reed shook his head and switched off the PADD. “No. Just… playing around with something.”
“Listen, I’m sorry I wasn’t around much. I know it wasn’t all exclusively my business down in engineerin’, but I needed some time to… well… think and work my courage up.”
Malcolm gave him a quizzical look. Courage for what? What was his lover talking about?
The blond man hesitated, then shrugged. “I ran into Fer on the Efil ship when I did my last checks.”
Fer. The armory officer aboard the Navaar, Malcolm thought. Great.
“He apologized to me. Asked if he did somethin’ that left any permanent damage. Told him no.” A flicker of insecurity. “At least I hope that was the truth.”
“Trip, we’ve discussed this…” Malcolm started.
“Because I am sorry,” the engineer went on, interrupting his lover. “I’d turn back time and erase that mistake if I could. Honestly.”
“Trip….”
“So Fer wanted to know if we had a custom concerning apologies. I told him it depends on the couple.” Trip’s mouth quirked into a crooked smile. “I guess I’d be shot on sight if I’d show up with a bunch of flowers.”
Reed grimaced. Thank god they had cleared that up right from the start. He didn’t want any gifts from his lover, other than his love. And trust. The last one had seen some difficult times lately.
“Same goes for chocolate, even if I’d do the pineapple fillin’ myself,” Tucker went on, drawing a chuckle from the armory officer.
“Trip, what …?”
Trip stepped closer and called on more of his courage. He opened one hand and placed a small piece of rock… no… something else, onto the table.
“It’s a kind of traditional gift for the Efil,” he explained quickly.
Malcolm picked up the strange jewel and looked at it. “You’re giving me.. jewelry? A gem?”
“Uh, no, not exactly. But we could make it into a ring or a pendant if you want….” Tucker joked, grinning.
“Don’t you even dare….!”
“I mean, I could have Billy make a ring for you. Might be nice,” the engineer went on, eyes sparkling.
“Charles Tucker!” Malcolm growled. “If you so much as come near me with any kind of ring, chain or pendant, I’ll personally shoot you where you stand!”
“You wouldn’t wear a token of my affection and love?”
The puppy dog expression was almost Reed’s undoing. But he resisted.
“No!”
Trip stepped forward and smiled softly. “I’m crushed, lewtennant,” he murmured, wrapping his accent around the formal way of address.
“So what’s this all about?” Malcolm wanted to know, holding up the stone.
“It’s somethin’ very special. Here, let me show you.” He took the stone from Malcolm’s hand and wrapped his other arm around the smaller man. “Fer called it Infinity, and I think it’s fittin’.”
And the room changed.
Malcolm gasped and was suddenly grateful for Trip’s strong hold on him as his sense of balance played havoc. Wrapped in the reassuring embrace, he let his eyes wander, then turned until he was leaning against the taller man’s chest.
“It’s beautiful,” he murmured. “Amazing.”
“Yeah.” A soft breath disturbed his hair and a tender kiss was placed against one temple. “Like you.” The arms tightened. “Malcolm Reed, I apologize for being such a friggin’ idiot, for being so stupid and so jealous when I should have trusted you.”
“You don’t have to apologize again,” Reed murmured in response.
“I feel like I have to. I feel like I have to make it up to you again and again not to lose you, Mal.”
Malcolm turned so he was facing his lover again. The warmth inside him was spreading, but he also needed to put a stop to it. Tucker couldn’t go on living this guilt trip.
“Well, stop it now.” And with it he pulled him into a kiss that started out slow and sensual, and grew deeper and more demanding.
“You really want me to stop?” Trip murmured as they parted, his hands quite busy massaging their way down to Reed’s buttocks.
Malcolm moaned softly as the left one was squeezed. “No,” he breathed, then swallowed hard as Trip’s hand cupped him. “Not at all.”
“I can’t lose you, Mal. I need you,” Trip whispered against his skin. “I love you.”
Trip had an almost possessive grasp on him, kissing him with a fiery intensity that stole his breath.
“You won’t,” he managed when he was finally able to breathe again.
Fierce, hungry eyes met his and he traced one cheekbone.
“You won’t.”
Clothes were dispersed off, pooling on the floor, but neither of the two men cared.
“Damn, I want you,” Trip whispered.
Malcolm moaned when he felt a hungry mouth fasten on his skin.
“Love me,” Trip whispered.
“I already do. With my heart and soul.”