//You had to say it, right?
Why, for goodness sake, did you have to say it?
Again. //

Ezra Standish was standing at the window in his condo, looking out in the dark night. It was raining outside and the drops were drawing little glittering diamonds on the glass.

//It’s not that I didn’t know it. From the start.
But you had to say it again, slap it into my face again.
You don’t know what it does to me every time.
You have no idea what it means to me, coming from you.//

They had been sitting in the Saloon, like they did quite often after working hours, sharing drinks, joy and laughter. This time the talk had gone into a different direction. Ezra could hear the words again and again, as they were repeating themselves in his mind over and over, the tone of the voice … “Hell, Ez, I mean we are friends, too, right? Damn good friends. And neither me nor you is married, right? Or has a girl friend. But does that necessarily have to mean we have to jump into bed together? I mean, some people could think that, you know, but not me, no sir. No way!”

//It was pure disgust dripping from every word you said. Sheer aversion in your body language. Like every time that topic comes up.  And like every time I just nodded an agreement.
And swallow another drink.
But not this time.
This time my heart had shattered into pieces.
Every word had felt like little daggers punched into my soul.  Every statement expressed with antipathy and abhorrence had twisted that daggers and left only agony this time.
What had made this time different?
Maybe it’s because I’m just bone tired. Tired of fighting this feelings, tired of tiptoeing around that goddamn topic. Yes, I like women. But I never told you I like men, too. And hell, I never told you I love you.
To reveal those feelings would mean to lose everything that had become precious to me.
And to hide them any longer … God, I have difficulties looking into your eyes by now.
I don’t know how much longer I can go like this … //

Ezra felt the razor sharp pain he had suppressed and locked away for such a long time now breaking its way to the surface, tearing apart what self-control he might have had left at the moment. He curled up into a tight ball, trying to breathe through the vicious sobs that were shaking his body, trembling with an icy coldness that hadn’t its source in the temperature of the room but flooding out of a broken and frozen heart.

//It’s a no-win situation.
No solution.
No suggestion.
No way out …//

Through the tears he couldn’t fight from falling any longer Ezra saw the bottle that was standing on the coffee table. He had brought it, knowing that he most certainly would need it again.  As he stumbled toward the table he noticed two other objects. His cell phone.
And his gun.
He froze for a split second.
Then he reached out.

                * * *

The smell of coffee woke Ezra. As he came around slowly he remembered what had happened the other night, what he had been about to do. And what he actually had done.
It had been one hell of a long night, for the both of them.  But the moment Vin had noticed the tone in Ezra’s voice he hadn’t wasted any time with questions.
“I’m on my way, Ezra. Hang on, you hear me?” Ezra had stared at the phone in his hand and had asked himself why he had done it, why he had called Vin. Why hadn’t he just latched onto his usual coping strategy and emptied that damn bottle?

//Because it’s no answer. It just makes it worse…//

And because his eyes had fallen onto the gun and he had realized with utter shock that his mind actually had considered it a real option.

//No …//

Vin had come.
Vin had taken him into his arms, muttering only a low “Tell.” into his ear.
Ezra had felt embarrassed to the core, breaking down like he had. He was a grown man, for goodness sake, not a love-sick teenager. But he had told Vin, everything. And the other man had listened quietly, had asked a question here and there, had wrapped his arm around Ezra when he had felt the need for physical contact in his friend.  They had talked for the better part of the night, with Vin offering silent understanding by just being there. Ezra couldn’t help feeling completely stunned about the way his usually reserved friend had shown his care.
And, somewhere along the line, Ezra had very slowly noticed a warm sparkle returning into his heart.
And he had known that he had made it through one of the longest nights in his life.

                *

Ezra looked at Vin and felt a slight twinge of guilt.
“You should have told me that you have a seminar today.”
“And then what?”
“I would have hung up.”
“And then what? Seminar’s not important. You need me, I come low-level flight. “
Ezra took a long look at Vin, who was sitting on the couch and sipping his coffee, and had to blink several times at what he saw in his friends blue eyes.
Concern.
Friendship.
And he knew that they had reached a deeper level of closeness.

//I knew you are a good friend to me, Vin Tanner. I just never realized HOW good.//

“Vin?”
“Hm?”
“Thank you.”
“Any time, pard. ANY time. That’s what friends are for.”
 

~ Fin ~