I. M7B-377
 

"Incoming wormhole."

She had heard it a thousand times and each time she stood at the control station or near the railing, anticipation knotting her stomach into a tight fist. Every time she waited for her teams to come back safely, without losses, without injuries. Every time she held her breath, arms either crossed firmly in front of her chest or hanging with clenched fists at her sides, and every time she would exhale softly when everyone made it through.

Elizabeth Weir felt her heart hammer in her chest with this well-known anticipation and anxiety, waiting for the news – any news -- while the water-like blue shimmer of the open wormhole plunged the Gateroom into a strange light. It would never lose its fascination and attraction, but she was aware that every time the Stargate opened, danger lurked behind that beautiful surface.

"It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC," the controller announced.

She exhaled softly, but the tension didn't lessen. The event horizon distorted as their travelers made it through.

Stumbling through the Gate, John Sheppard had one arm thrown around Rodney McKay’s shoulder, held up by the other man, and Elizabeth thought she could almost hear the rock falling from her heart hit the floor.

They were back.

“Dr. Beckett?”

It hadn’t been necessary. Carson Beckett was already at their side in no time. With him, a medical team swarmed around the two men.

“He’s only a little banged up,” Rodney said. “The idiot tripped.”

He didn't sound too bad, Elizabeth decided. Both men looked dusty, unshaven, and their clothes had seen better times. In Sheppard's case, the clothes were more like rags, kept together by what looked like the attempt to stitch something that had been torn apart. He had a blanket knotted around his trembling frame. Maybe they were both a little on the thin side, which puzzled her a bit, but neither was bleeding from bullet wounds, knife cuts or had arrows sticking out. It was a plus. Elizabeth counted her blessings in that regard.

They were back.

Still, she was curious as to why Sheppard looked like Raggedy Andy.

“Tripped?” Beckett inquired as he motioned for a gurney to be brought closer.

“Yeah.” Sheppard managed to look sheepish. “I just wanted to… well, that’s a long story. I think I sprained something.”

“Aye, that you did,” Beckett confirmed.

"Like I said. He was being an idiot. I told him not to, but does he ever listen to me? No!" Rodney went on, clearly on a run. "Spent so much time surviving the great outdoors on some backwater mudball of a planet, but does he listen? Does he? No, he's being the boy scout and knows everything so much better!"

Sheppard glared at him and Rodney glared back, looking almost ridiculous in his dirty uniform that had clearly seen better days. Both men were in dire need of a shower, a good shave and a long sleep. Elizabeth couldn't help but feel a curl of anxiety as she watched them interact. Her gut instinct told her that something had happened. Their state spoke of it.

“Infirmary, now,”  Beckett decided.

Sheppard sighed softly as he regarded the gurney with disdain, but he knew better than to argue with their Chief Medical Officer. He could only lose.

“Rodney,” Elizabeth called out to their missing physicist. “Good to have you back.”

There was a strange look flashing over McKay's face for a second before he just nodded.

“Thanks.”

"Go and let Carson have a look at you," she told him.

Rodney grimaced, but he followed the entourage of medical personnel. She heard him mutter something under his breath and had to smile.

They were back.

Safe and sound.

* * *

Rodney followed Sheppard into the infirmary, watching as Beckett checked him out and bandaged the sprained foot. The Colonel grimaced as Beckett poked and prodded, then started to tighten the bandage.

"It's a sprain," the medic confirmed. "Nothing broken."

"I figured."

"It could have been a break," Rodney argued. "You're not a medical doctor!"

"No, but I know what a break feels like," Sheppard shot back.

Both men looked tired and Rodney felt like he hadn't slept properly in weeks. Well, it came close to the truth.

"And I know what an idiot looks like," the physicist snarked, glaring at his team commander and friend.

"What happened?" Beckett asked calmly.

"He was being an idiot. Didn't look where he went and stepped into a gopher hole. Alien gophers," Rodney added with a  wave. "Bug, alien gophers. Nearly took his leg off."

"It was just a hole in the ground, Rodney," Sheppard shot back. "And I didn't see it!"

"Because you didn't look!"

"So I didn't, go make something of it!"

"Finally he admits to it!"

Carson suddenly smiled and both men glared at him.

"What's so funny?" Rodney demanded.

"Oh, nothing. Rodney. You're next. I want a full physical."

"I'm fine."

"It's standard procedure, even for brief periods of MIA," Beckett explained patiently.

"You call three months brief?" Rodney's voice rose.

The Scot frowned. "What are you talking about? You were gone three days."

Sheppard's eyes were suddenly wide and he looked at McKay, who could only gape.

"Carson, I don't know how to break it to you," John said, "but we were on that hell hole of a planet for three months…"

Beckett only touched his headpiece and called for Elizabeth.

* * *

The debriefing had been long and, for Rodney, painfully slow. First he had caught up with things from Atlantis's side of the Gate, which wasn't all that much. Three days had passed here since Ronon and Teyla had gone back through the Gate to get help to find their missing team mates. They had run into trouble after arriving back in Atlantis since any attempt to redial the Gate address had been met by failure. Radek and everyone else who had even a vague idea how to help had been working on solving the problem. Sending a Puddlejumper would have taken weeks and the Daedalus had been too far away to be of any immediate help. Elizabeth had briefed Caldwell, telling him to stand by in case they were the last option, and then the Gate had activated and Rodney and John had made it home.

Huh. Home. A home where only three days had passed.

"I hate physics," Sheppard muttered and buried his head in his hands.

For once, McKay had to agree, though he didn't say it out loud. He just glared at the Colonel.

"Physics is what got us here," he pointed out snarkily. "Physics is what explains the wormholes and Stargates, and it lets you shoot people with your big guns!"

"Physics is your friend," Sheppard quipped.

"Yes, and you better believe it."

The whole time delay was a fascinating problem, but one that had to wait for a solution. Right now Rodney had bigger problems on his plate.

Like what had happened on the planet.

<Not a word about it!>

He threw Sheppard an acid glare. For someone who didn't want to remember or even acknowledge that something between them had changed, he sure knew when to use that change. The others in the room didn't associate the glare with something none of them would be able to hear. Evil looks traded between the two men were nothing new.

<What? You think I'd tell them anything that went on there? After you so nicely threatened me? Please!>

Brown eyes peeked out behind spread fingers. There was a fire in there that Rodney hadn't seen in a long time, and he sent a nasty smirk. Sheppard raised his head. He looked tired and not much better compared to their last hours on that hellhole, just before Rodney had dialed home. Rodney knew they were both at the end of their physical as well as mental capacities.

Three long months…

"I think we should let you both get some rest now," Elizabeth interrupted his thoughts. "We'll talk later."

"Sounds like a plan," the Colonel muttered and pushed back from the table.

Rodney watched him go, then rose as well. He was exhausted and he knew Beckett would haunt them for a full physical later on.

He just hoped nothing of what had happened to John would show up on the scanners or they were screwed.

<You mean I'm screwed>

<Oh shut up!>

* * *

Rodney sighed heavily as he slid under the -  soft -  covers of his - soft - bed. Sleeping on makeshift beds on the ground for three months hadn’t been very kind to his back, and he was more than glad to be back on Atlantis.

God, Rodney had never been so glad to see an MRE. Carson had remarked on his weight loss and Rodney knew he could use a few less pounds, but he would have preferred a less drastic diet. And he still shuddered at the thought of what he had eaten on M7B-377.

Oh yuck. It was a miracle he hadn't been allergic to anything that had crawled, jumped or grown there. He had survived this backwater mud bucket and he was back home. In his bed, with his special mattress, with his laptop on his desk, with his research, his books, his music, and his food.

Why did he feel so lonely then?

* * *

John stood in his quarters, his eyes roaming over what had come to be his home away from Earth in the last two years. There were a few personal things adorning the surfaces of his drawer, night stand and desk. He had books on his book shelf, all of them in various states of reading. He hadn't really made a dent in War and Peace, but he was still planning to finish it one day.

Everything looked familiar, but a part of him wasn't really home. Part of him was on the planet.
 

He wandered through the ruins of what might have been an Ancient outpost, only absentmindedly registering Rodney's excited chatter. Rodney was easily distracted and easily frightened, so having found a planet that seemed uninhabited and peaceful was a real change for once. No reason to become sloppy, though. There was a Gate on M7B-377, so there was a chance of getting surprised by Wraith. Slim, but still there.

It wasn't a temple, so much was clear. Even for him. It looked like a large complex, most of it collapsed in on itself, but there were a few walls still upright and there were inscriptions that had Rodney jump up and down with excitement. There was even talk about bringing a science team here.

Oh well.

John poked at a wall and continued his patrol. Ronon and Teyla had taken up their positions, keeping an eye out on unwanted visitors, though Teyla had assured them that this place had always been without people. The Athosians had been here before, but since there had been no trading partners, they had forgotten about this world.

John walked around a corner into another part of the ruins that looked exactly like any other part – ruined.

Except for the door.

Or whatever else that thing might be. It looked a lot like a door to John, big enough to let a man walk through and slightly circular, with some runes and symbols carved into the metal. Getting curious, he stepped closer, and almost grinned as the signs started to glow faintly. Ancient all right.

He opened his mouth to call for Rodney – who would most certainly insist he touch it – when the earth bucked beneath his feet and almost made him loose his footing. Damn. Earthquake. There had been no indication that the planet was unstable. Turning he wanted to call out for the others when the whirring sound made him look around.

… pulling sensation…

… cells being ripped…

… torn apart…

John screamed.
 

He shuddered and pushed the thought away. Sheppard started to strip, throwing the clothes aside. He probably needed new ones, but he didn't care right now. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to forget, but he knew it would be hard to come by one or the other.

For a moment he was tempted to talk to Rodney, but he shut that thought out.

John sank carefully onto the bed, his foot aching, but it was bearable. The painkillers had been a big help, but he knew the moment they wore off, he'd be back in hell. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, let sleep take him, but he couldn't.

This felt wrong.

All of it was wrong.

He was home, but the three months had left him wanting… something. Something he knew he couldn't have.

Maybe never again.
 
 

The open plains, a fire burning in the cool night, Rodney curled up in the sleeping bag. He was still muttering about the uncomfortable conditions, but this was a lot better than sleeping without any cover. The backpacks contained enough gear for survival in the wilderness, and while McKay wasn't exactly a boy scout, he wasn't stupid either. He had picked up a few things from Sheppard and the others in their time on Atlantis.

John moved closer, the need to be close to the only person he had right now rising.
 

Sheppard clenched his teeth and beat his fist against his pillow. No way! He didn't miss the company. He was glad to be alone again. Three months of Rodney McKay as his only company had been…

…how he had survived.

He screwed his eyes shut, cursing.

But he remembered the gentle, reassuring touches on his flank, stroking, calming, giving him something to focus on when he felt his panic take over.

Oh god…

His foot hurt and he welcomed the pain. It gave him something to fight the memories with and he was close to banging the sprained ankle against the wall, just make it hurt worse.

<Don't> a voice murmured sleepily.

John turned away from the familiar presence, shutting everything out.

This was over.

Completely.

* * *

It had been a bad night, filled with memories of their adventure, if it could be called an adventure. Rodney had tried sleeping, but it had only ended in him tossing and turning until he had been wide awake and grumpy as hell.
 

The rumbling of the ground underneath his feet made Rodney stop what he had been doing and freeze.

“Was that an earthquake? Of course it was an earthquake. Nobody told me we are walking on the Pegasus equivalent of the San Andreas Fault here. It would be asked too much for a nice and peaceful planet once in a while, would it? How am I supposed to actually work under these conditions?”

The tremors increased and Rodney gave a cry of surprise when he lost his footing as part of the ground he had been standing on dropped down. He tumbled head over heels and felt his shoulder strike something – ow, this would leave a bruise! – and then there was a flash of light.

And nothingness.
 

He still had no idea what exactly had happened that moment, if he had triggered something or if the others had touched or kicked or looked at something the wrong way. Rodney needed to evaluate the scanner data he had collected and the scanner was still with Beckett, who had probably kicked it over to the lab for storage.

Rodney sighed.

He didn't look forward to the next debriefing this morning. What could he really say about what had happened? The truth? Oh yeah, right. It didn't take a genius to know what would happen next. A psych eval with Heightmeyer for him and a complete physical with even worse probing for Sheppard. And that was the good scenario. The bad one was a rubber cell.

He shuddered and turned to his laptop. He hooked it up to the Atlantis mainframe and waded through the reports his staff had filed in the past days. It would keep him awake until the morning.

I should be freaking, he thought to himself as he mindlessly scrolled through the pages. Now is the time for it. We're home. I can lose it over what happened in those three months.

But strangely enough he couldn't. He wasn't freaking out over the events. He wasn't ranting and babbling and crying like an insane idiot. He felt strangely… calm and resolute and in control.

And he wondered how long that would last.

With the memories and the still existing connection between him and Sheppard, Rodney didn't give himself a lot of time.
 

He actually fell asleep over the little machine an hour later.

* * *

Their first night back in Atlantis had passed almost the same for both men. Sheppard had slept badly, but he attributed it to the aching ankle. Rodney hadn't lost a word about the little sleep he had managed to catch. Even his own bed hadn't been enticing enough for him to relax, to lose himself in the nothingness his mind descended into throughout sleep. After a shower he had felt marginally better, but not really good.

Coffee might help. So he had gone down into the mess hall and poured himself a huge cup, but the black liquid had been unappealing to say the very least. Still he had drunk it.

It tasted better than what he had had to do with on M7B-377. A lot better.

Still no freaking.

Good. He wanted to hang on to sanity a bit longer.

After his third cup, feeling still so bone-tired that every move ached, Rodney had at least acknowledged the world around him, even if it was only as a grunt to one or two scientists greeting him.

He had briefly checked on Sheppard, but he had almost gotten the proverbial blow in the face when he had touched the other man through that strange connection. Now he had a headache, too. It made him grumpy enough for even the most hardiest of his staff to avoid him until after breakfast.

Rodney rubbed his forehead and sighed. He should be happy to be back on Atlantis, but the change from wilderness to semi-civilization had come with a price he hadn't been ready to pay. John Sheppard had cut him off from a new discovery: the mind link. The scientist in him was fascinated, but not as much as the human being in him was… delighted.

Why wasn't he scared by this? Why wasn't this intrusion into his most private of thoughts having him protest with indignation? Why hadn't he fought Sheppard's presence tooth and claw?

Because it had been their only way of communication. Because he had grown accustomed to it. Because a small part of him said it was right, it was normal.

He huffed. Right. Normal. Not by a long shot. Not even for this galaxy. Having another person in your head, and Cadman and that blasted incident didn't count, wasn't normal. But maybe it had paved the way? Still, no comparison, Rodney argued with himself. Lieutenant Cadman had lived in his body, her own trapped in a Wraith dart, and Colonel Sheppard was only linked to him.

Rodney sighed and massaged his forehead. He craved answers, but he wasn't the right person to find them. He also needed more data and that would be hard to come by.

His scanner.

He had to get to his scanner and work with what little he had been able to gather.

But first he had to go through the briefing and he was so not looking forward to it.

* * *

Rodney sat next to Sheppard, very much aware of the other man in more than a physical sense, and it hurt to see him so pale and tired, right down to plain exhausted. Beckett had given them both a hard look, muttering about physicals, and Rodney just hoped to get through the next few hours without dropping any insane remarks about shape-changing and alien horses.

"I don't know what triggered whatever was inside the ruin," Sheppard now answered Elizabeth's question. "There was an earthquake, a sudden bright light, then nothing."

Rodney nodded. "Same here. I woke up, alone, not anywhere even close to the ruins, and there was only my stuff."

He still remembered the terror he had felt of being completely alone. He had been in the middle of nowhere, his gear there, his communicator not working, and there had been no sign of the Gate.

There was an echoing shudder from Sheppard and Rodney resisted the temptation to turn to look at him. He knew this kind of shudder, this fear, because it was a mirrored fear from the instinctual side of the alien creature he had found a few hours later.

"Communication was somehow dead," Sheppard continued, sounding remarkably steady. "I was in a forest, there was no one around, so I started walking. It looked like the same planet, especially with the sun and the half moon that had been there when we arrived."

Rodney had figured the same, so he nodded his agreement. He left out the fact that he had found all of Sheppard's clothes, too.
 
 

All around him was nothing but landscape. A wild, beautiful landscape, with tall grass, far away mountains and the occasional boulder. Behind him stretched a whole forest of strange trees, all of them looking like no tree he had ever seen before. They were tall with a dark, nearly black bark. The leaves had a bluish tinge and were shaped like triangles.

"Good god, he's out there naked," McKay murmured, staring at the ripped apart clothing in shock.

But why would a man like Sheppard tear off his clothes and then walk off? Gone mad? Even the head gear was there! There was no blood, indicating an attack, but why would Sheppard rip apart his clothes? And leave everything? He even had the man's dog tags! Rodney busied himself for a few minutes collecting every item. He had his backpack, he had Sheppard's, so there was food. All he was missing to make this perfect was a naked Lieutenant Colonel.

Now that sounded just plain wrong.

His eyes fell on the soft ground and he frowned. There were tracks. McKay wasn't a boy scout or a tracker, but he could distinguish hoof prints from human feet, and these looked definitely like hoof prints.

They led away from the general area where he had woken up.

Civilization maybe? Or were there horse-like life forms?

Rodney scanned the horizon and found nothing. Not a single larger animal than the birds in the sky. And they weren't any larger than sea gulls.

Hefting the second backpack, the physicist tried communications one more time, then sighed dejectedly. Great. Lost on some mudball of a planet, probably half the planet away from the Gate, and he had lost their mighty leader, who was probably running naked around as the day he had been born.

Could this get any worse?
 

It had gotten worse, but that wasn't for anyone else to know. Sheppard had made that clear. For whatever reason the Colonel insisted on keeping some details of their little adventure to himself.

<Colonel…> he poked.

<Not a word, McKay>

<They need to know>

<They don't!> was the sharp reply and Rodney briefly closed his eyes at the stab behind his forehead.

"Rodney?" Carson inquired. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, just a headache. Happens. Didn't sleep well." The doctor frowned, but Rodney waved him off. "Let's just get this over with. I've got work to do."
Elizabeth nodded. Carson just remained his worried self.

"We ran into each other," Sheppard continued. "Took it from there. It was a long walk, but we figured out where the strange device had transported us. We didn't know about the change in time zones between Atlantis and this world until we came back."

Elizabeth nodded. "Apparently one day isn't really a month on this world, since the return of Ronon and Teyla was within our time zone. And because we couldn't dial out again, we never had a clue."

Rodney grimaced. "We need better maintenance for the Stargate."

"It wasn't a technical problem," Zelenka immediately interrupted, sounding indignant. "We dialed and the address existed, but the wormhole refused to connect."

"Human error then."

Because Rodney refused to believe that they might have been stuck there forever, that only they could dial out.

"We can try again if you don't believe me," Radek told him firmly.

Rodney waved a hand. "Why would I want to go back? I lost enough of my time as it is."

And he didn't want to set foot on that planet ever again. Not if he could help it. The scanner data would be enough. And maybe there was something about this strange transformation device in the Ancient data base.

"I recommend two weeks of recovery time," Carson interrupted his train of thought. "There is the Colonel's sprained ankle, and you both lost sleep and weight. I want regular checks for the two of you." Stern eyes told the two men that a missed exam would be punished by a long, pointy needle into a sensitive area.

"Yes, yes," Rodney muttered. "Go and threaten the genius."

"I'm fine," Sheppard no protested as well. "It's just a sprain."

"You survived three months under almost hostile conditions," Elizabeth added. "You will take the time off, Colonel. It's an order."

He grimaced.

"Are we done now?" Rodney whined.

Elizabeth smiled a little. "Yes, we are. It's good to have you both back, gentlemen."

Rodney almost fled the room, very much aware of Sheppard behind him.

"Uh, you wanna go to lunch?" he asked hesitantly.

John looked at him in mild confusion, then shook his head. "Not hungry." And then he walked past.

Rodney felt an inexplicable stab of pain.

* * *

It took him two hours to have lunch, a lonely lunch at that, and evade whoever wanted to talk to him. He was on leave, goddamnit! Teyla had welcomed him back in that dignified, graceful way of hers, and Ronon had just given him a long, hard look as if trying to determine whether he was a disguised Wraith or not.

Rodney fled to the well-known surroundings of the lab and was relieved to find so few people here. One of them was Zelenka. The Czech looked up when Rodney entered.

"Rodney?"

"Yes, yes, we're all beside ourselves with joy about my return," he muttered. "Where's my stuff?"

Zelenka gestured toward Rodney's work desk and McKay descended upon his scanner like a hawk. The device looked banged up, was dirty, but it was still functional.

"I thought Dr. Beckett had taken you off duty?" Zelenka pointed out.

"I'm just here to…" he gestured, "check on things, you know."

"Ah."

Rodney ignored him as he ran through the contents file of the scanner, pleased to see all the little files he had made.

"You must tell us about M7B-377," Radek interrupted his thoughts. "A different passage of time?"

Rodney grunted. "Nothing interesting there."

They had run into something like it before, but back then it had been Sheppard trapped behind this strange time veil all by himself, going native with wanna-be ascendents. It wasn't the same.

"You were gone for three days, Rodney," Zelenka said quietly. "And you spent three months on that planet. The gate wouldn't dial to the address, whatever we tried, and you took months to make it work from your end."

Rodney glared at the other man. "I didn't take months to make it work!" he exclaimed indignantly. "I had to walk through the big outdoors to get back to the Stargate first! And then I just dialed and it worked perfectly! I don't know what you blundered around if you couldn't even get there. Now let me work!"

And he stalked out of the lab, clutching the scanner, feeling the headache increase.

* * *

Maybe it was the return to civilization. Maybe it was Atlantis itself. Maybe it was just the stress of three months finally finding an outlet since there was no new addition to it. Rodney McKay found himself flashing back to M7B-377 over and over again. Whenever he didn't busy his mind with the data collected, he found himself staring off into space, part of him reaching for the mind connection that Sheppard refused to acknowledge, unless he wanted to rant at him throughout the briefing.

What had happened to them was too fantastic for words. Since the expedition had come to the Pegasus galaxy a lot of fantastic things had happened. And bodily transformations had taken place, too. Sheppard had become a bug person, for example. So shape-changing wasn't really that strange. It was just the fact that an Ancient machine on a deserted planet had spluttered to life one more time and yielded such an incredible result.

Sheppard refused to even touch the topic, or look at Rodney, let alone be close to him. They were back for twenty-four hours and hadn't really seen much of each other.

Rodney felt another little stab of loneliness.

It had been so strangely easy to get used to living in the wild, having Sheppard there in a completely inhuman shape, and hearing his mind voice. For all the bickering and snarking, it had been… nice. And somehow the bickering had been their savior from insanity.
 
 

Rodney wasn't much of an animal person. Well, he loved his cat, but everything larger than her had kept him at a healthy distance. Dogs were fine as long as they didn't slobber all over him. He didn't like anything that was larger than himself, so he had had a healthy respect for horses, among other animals.

Now he was looking at one, and it was the strangest horse. It was huge. Larger than any horse Rodney had ever seen. but not heavy set like a work horse.
It was actually quite elegant. It had a deeply brown coat, almost black, with a black mane and tail. The legs up to its knees were white and made it look even more elegant. The most outstanding feature were the two huge horns growing out of bony ridges over the eyes.

Unicorn, Rodney mused almost giddily. With two horns. Does that make it a Duo-corn?

The creature stood in a small clearing, propped against a tree, flanks heaving. Blood had crusted the nice coat, and fresh liquid was still oozing out of the large cut in its side, glistening wetly. The eyes rolled wildly at the sight of Rodney and shivers were running over the muscular body as the animal obviously fought its instincts to run again.

If it could still run.

It looked exhausted and the wound didn't really appear to be shallow.

Nostrils blew open wide, taking in McKay's scent, and it whinnied softly.

"Uh, hi," Rodney said before he could even think about the futility of talking to an animal.

Where had the horse gotten hurt? Not a horse, he reminded himself. Looks like one, is a lot bigger, and it has horns. Horns, Rodney. Alien life form!

Back to possibly injury sources: predators maybe? If so, what was large and stupid enough to attack this animal? It easily topped Rodney's height at its withers, and the horns looked like dangerous weapons.

The horse, yes, damnit, he'd call it a horse, made a soft inquiring noise again. It still trembled, but it was looking more alert now. It was watching Rodney. Great. Now what? He wasn't a vet. He wasn't even good at putting a band-aid on anyone's paper-cut!

Rodney carefully lowered his backpack and the one he carried, Sheppard's, and reached for a power bar. He broke off a small piece and held it up for the horse to see.

What the hell was he doing trying to feed this thing? He didn't know, but it was better than leaving the only company he had found. At least for now it was more entertaining than trudging through the wilderness and heading for what he hoped was the right direction for the Gate.

The horse's nostrils blew wide again, then it made a hesitant step toward him. Rodney threw the piece of power bar onto the ground. Curious but also wary, the horse approached, sniffed at the morsel, then picked it up with what looked like soft, velvety lips.

Rodney had to smile briefly. He broke off a new piece and threw it again, watching as the horse came closer. From here he could see the deep gash and it looked painful. It went right across the shoulder of the left side, extending a little toward the breast.

The horse whinnied and he gave it the rest of the power bar. Apparently it had developed a taste for it because next Rodney knew it was approaching at a slight limp and he scrambled back.

"Ah hell!" he cried out, then tripped over his backpack and landed heavily on his butt. "Shit!"

The horned head lowered toward him and warm air ghosted over his hands, which he had thrown up in defense. His fingers were sniffed and he tensed, but nothing else happened. There was a soft neighing again, like a question, and he dared to look up. Brown eyes looked back at him and if it hadn't been for the rather sharp looking horns, Rodney would have relaxed. As it was, panic was hovering just over his shoulder.
 
 

Panic had settled in and it had scared the horse, freaked Rodney, and he had spent the better part of ten to twenty minutes trying to calm down. Strangely enough the injured animal hadn't run. It had jumped back a bit, had watched him warily, and when Rodney had gathered his things to leave, it had followed. He had tried to shoo it away, but it had stayed, like a dog.

Rodney smiled darkly to himself. If he had known back then… if it had been clear just what had happened… well, nothing much of the following three months would have changed.

How John had found himself again was unclear. Not even the Colonel knew. He claimed he had been there from one minute to the next, aware, knowing who he was, and about to bolt in panic at discovering what had happened.
 
 

<Rodney?>

McKay nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the voice – only, he hadn’t heard it. It had been there, right in his head! He touched one temple, face scrunched up in confusion.

“Colonel?” he stuttered.

<Yes… uh… Rodney?>

"Yes, it's me. Where are you?"

<I don’t feel so good>  came a soft moan. <What happened? Where am I?>

So, obviously Sheppard could hear him when he spoke out loud.

“I don’t know. What do your surroundings look like?”

<Trees, bushes, grass, you… oh god…>

That didn't sound good. A scared Sheppard was never good. Sheppard couldn't be scared. That was Rodney's role, his part. No, no, o, not scared.

The large horse snorted and started to prance, flicking its tail in panic and rearing its head.

“Colonel?” he inquired shakily.

<I can see you, Rodney. I’m… oh god, what am I?>

The alien horse whinnied in fright and its eyes rolled. It danced away from Rodney, tossing its head. Rodney blinked at the large brown equine that stared at him from wide hazel eyes – and it clicked.

Oh… god… no. Impossible. Completely and utterly…

But he had seen physical transformations before. He had seen what a virus could do, what an infection was capable of, what alien life forms there were and…

"Sheppard?" he breathed, shocked.

The horse reared again, crying in panic and fear.

“You are… an alien equine life form…”

More panic washed over him, mindless panic that definitely wasn’t his own.

John?

What the…?

Could that…?

The horse stumbled back and Rodney saw blood run down one shoulder. The wound had reopened.

"Colonel, calm down!" he called. "You're bleeding again! Calm down!"

<I… what? That… that earthquake… the glow…and it hurt, so much, Rodney. I’m...a horse?>

McKay stared at the beautiful creature, arms still outstretched, palms facing outward. He had come closer, frightened of what this massive horse could do if Sheppard panicked enough to really start running.

“Something like that," he answered faintly.  "Bushy tailed and armed.”

<huh?>

“Horns. On your forehead, two of them.”

<oh great…> came the faint reply.

This time it wasn’t so much panic as despair, confusion – and fright.

Colonel John Sheppard had somehow turned into an alien horse. He was afraid.

And somehow Rodney could feel that. He also wasn't made for taking care of animals, let alone formerly human team leaders. Then again, he had seen Sheppard as Iratus Bug Man, too. It had been frightening. More frightening than the horse because back then he had been human to a degree. Now…

Rodney inhaled deeply, steadying himself.

"Let me take a look at the injury, okay?" he requested.

Sheppard tossed his head, snorting. He was clearly still close to the edge.

"John?"

<Y-yes. Okay. What happened to me, Rodney?> he whimpered.

Rodney reached out and very carefully, very gently, touched the alien horse.

"I don't know. I'll figure it out."

It was probably wishful thinking on his part because they were in the middle of nowhere, with no gear, no real idea what had happened, and his friend was a horse.

And the day would probably only get worse…

*

Some time and three powerbars later John had regained a modicum of control over his raging emotions.

Which crumpled only minutes later when he discovered that the sun was already setting. Pointed ears flicked nervously and the tail swished several times. The horse danced closer to McKay, nostrils blowing wide.

<Rodney…>

There was an unfamiliar sound of pleading and insecurity in that familiar voice. Sheppard had never been insecure or had pleaded with Rodney. Never in his life. Now he was helpless. It turned McKay's stomach.

“I’m here, Colonel.”

And he was there. A steady, warm touch to John's neck, the calm voice, and Sheppard whimpered softly in rising panic.

"Shhh… it's okay. We'll get through this."

How? Why had this happened? What had caused this? Where were they? Still on the same planet?

There was an almost hysterical quality to the rush of emotions and thoughts. Rodney kept on stroking over the muscular neck. He had discovered that close physical contact helped to calm the Colonel down. Sheppard let him touch him, let him caress the warm neck, down the shoulder, patting his rump. It was weird, but it calmed Rodney as much as it quieted down the upset man… well, horse.

"We are still on M7B-377," he told John, then smirked at his wide-eyed look. "I can hear you. Not always, but you leak."

He ran his hand over Sheppard's withers and carefully down his uninjured shoulder.

"Does it hurt?"

<I'm fine>

"Yeah, right," Rodney muttered as he studied the other shoulder where the deep wound looked swollen and ugly.

It had stopped bleeding and it looked like it was healing, but he hated the fact that he had no idea whether this injury was potentially dangerous for a huge horse or not. Sheppard turned his head, the soft snout touching Rodney's shoulder.

<I'm fine> he repeated.

Rodney didn't push the head away, actually felt a strange moment of reassurance, then he stepped back from the animal. The horse – John – snorted, ear flicking, and for a moment there was a rush of fear, then it was smothered by the renewed iron control that was the Colonel. Rodney smiled faintly and briefly patted the muscular neck.

"Time to make camp, huh?" he asked weakly.

Part of him wanted to run off screaming like a girl. Part of him wanted to sit down, stare at nothing in particular, and mumble insanely that this was not happening. Another part was pushing all of that aside, falling into a pattern that had been established in the last two years: no time to be scared. Act now, think later, freak out when you can spare the time.

There was no time to spare for it right now.

Rodney was so not looking forward to roughing it out here. He had no choice, though. No choice at all.

* * *

Rodney stared into the dancing flames of the camp fire he had set with John’s help. Well, advice. Sheppard seemed to have calmed down considerably, standing not too far away, tail flicking every now and.

<Rodney?>

"Hm?"

<You okay?>

"Sure. Just… I don't like camping. Never did. I'm probably allergic to all kinds of things out here. And whatever I'm not allergic to, it will probably poison me on sight. Not to mention what predators there are." Looking over at the large equine Rodney shook his head slowly. "And then there's… you."

<What?>

“I find it somehow – disturbing to have a conversation with you while you’re.., “ he made an overall gesture, “like this.”

<Like what?>

“You know…  a horse.”

<I’d rather snuggle into a blanket next to you, too>

Sheppard sounded less hysterical than before, but there was an edge to his voice. Not anger, just… the same anxiety Rodney felt and was fighting every hour of the moment. They were both trying to deal with an impossible situation and things were not looking up. If at all, bleak was becoming downright nasty and dark.

Rodney stared at the alien horse before he grabbed something and slowly walked to the large animal’s side. Carefully placing the spare blanket over its back he ran a hand down the flank.

“Here you go. The cut looks better already. Does it bother you?”

<Not that much anymore. Thank you>

A soft snort, accompanied by a hot breath and a nuzzling snout at his neck made him jump.

“Colonel! Don’t do that!”

There was an amused chuckle over the strange mind-link. <Sorry. Seemed the right thing to do. Instincts, I guess>

“Yeah, well," Rodney sputtered, "keep your instincts on a short leash while you’re around me!"

He returned to his own stack of blankets. Feeling his eyes drift shut he heard a faint, high pitched buzz.

“Put that tail of yours to good use and keep the mosquitoes away, will you?”
 
 

Over the weeks they had discovered that the animal instinct of the equine could overpower the human mind, but the human was stronger and could control that instinct. Sheppard had worked hard on that and Rodney had worked even harder on not failing his own role in this scenario. He had to be the strong one. No freaking, no curling up and whimpering in fear, no losing it over tiny things like sleeping under the stars or shaving almost blind, nicking himself more often than not, bathing in cold water, washing his clothes and running around semi-naked. All of his uncomfortable moments had paled in the light of what Sheppard was feeling.

Rodney knew what he felt. The mind link made sure of that.

It had survived -- and it ached.

* * *

John Sheppard knew he might never tell anyone what had happened to him. It was too strange, too alien, too personal, but he also realized that what had occurred, what was still between him and Rodney, was of importance. It had been an impact on both of them, and Rodney was actually taking it in a stride and John would have figured him to totally lose it about this. On the other hand, Sheppard himself was severely disturbed by the events and he was losing ground on the simple basis that he couldn't sleep and felt increasingly lonely.

Not that he had no company, but he missed one particular person, and that person was who he was trying to avoid.

He was so fucked up.

Clenching his fingers in his hair, he felt a sting of welcome pain at the roots of his mistreated hair.

Maybe he shouldn't have regained his memory. Maybe he should have stayed a horse. Maybe he should have just stayed lost…

But he hadn't.

And he had found something other than himself again. He now had a connection to Rodney. Not that they did a lot of communicating. As it was, they were more or less avoiding each other in person. John didn't know much about mind shields, but what little they had worked out on M7B-377 was really coming in handy here.

The planet was behind them. He no longer was a huge horse. He didn't need Rodney in his head.
But Rodney had been his sanity. He had been there when the memories had come back, when he had realized what he had turned into. Rodney had been the stronger of them and it had been a new side he had discovered at his friend. McKay was probably just as shocked, but Sheppard had known the man could be brave. Rodney had shown that bravery again and again, going up against super-Wraith, against whole Hive ships, against lunatics with guns.

John himself had nearly broken apart over discovering he was trapped in an alien horse's body. He had clung to the mind link like a drowning man. The bond hadn't been telepathic. Neither could read the other's thoughts, but it had allowed the transmission of something like emotions or words that were directed at the other party.

Now he refused to even acknowledge it.

It hurt. He missed Rodney. He missed the presence with him. He missed… everything.

Two nights without much sleep. Two days back in Atlantis. Two days where normalcy should have settled in.

It hadn't.

John Sheppard was far from back to normal. He felt completely out of whack.

His men were giving him enough space as it was. Major Lorne had only once inquired about him, then had retreated to a safe distance. Sheppard had heard talk when
the Marines had believed no one was listening.

"Three months with McKay? I'd be more than a little prickly myself," one of the night guards had remarked to another. "The man never shuts up."

"Yeah, well, if he's the only living being around," the other had added thoughtfully, "I guess being alone would hurt worse. And he's kinda… well, not nice, but bearable."

There was a laugh. "I wouldn't want to be on the same team with him. It's not that I dislike the scientists, but they're a danger in a hostile situation."

"We're here because of them," the first Marine reminded his fellow soldier. "Protecting them is our job."

Right you are, Sheppard thought angrily. This wasn't a military operation. This was an expedition and they were along to provide security detail, nothing more, nothing less.

"Sheppard must be glad to be home," Number Two could be heard again. "From the looks of things, they were probably at each other's throat within hours."

That got drew a chuckle. "Not everyone's dream to be trapped with a geek. Give me a fellow Marine any day."

John watched them walk on, feeling a stab in his stomach. Memories assaulted him again, of the first few days of his consciousness returning to the alien body.
 
 

Four days passed since Sheppard had suddenly found himself in an alien horse's body. It had happened from one moment to the next. Suddenly he had been there, rising like out of deep waters, and there had been Rodney.

John had since gone from shock into bouts of depression over the, in his eyes, hopeless situation, and had then reached anger. Rodney was having an increasingly more difficult time with his unwilling partner and the arguments were repeating themselves, mostly in the morning when they 'saddled up', and in the evening, when McKay attempted to make the other comfortable.

John was a stubborn and independent man, someone who pushed offered help away because of the knot of barely restrained fury in his mind.

The arguments increased and there was a moment when he physically pushed Rodney away, whinnying shrilly. There was a surge or irrational anger, followed by an echo of sudden fear and pain.

Sheppard looked down at the man. Rodney lay sprawled on the mossy ground, eyes wide, breathing hard, but there was a kind of control to him that Sheppard had seen before. It was the control of a man who was scared to death, who expected to die, but who would fight it teeth and claw.

<Oh god…> he murmured. <Rodney… I… I'm sorry…>

He pranced, dancing away, confusion and fear warring for domination.

He had attacked his only friend. He had nearly kicked Rodney!

McKay stumbled to his feet and away from the huge equine. There was blood on one cheek and he looked bruised.

<Rodney?>

"I'm fine," was the level answer and McKay dusted himself off, wiping blood from the graze on his cheek.

John took another careful step closer and Rodney stepped back, eyes narrowing. There were no loud complaints, no bitching, and it was eerie.

<Rodney, please! I'm sorry. I'd never hurt you!>

Blue eyes met his imploring gaze. Rodney's face was closed off, but there was betrayal there and John understood it. He would feel the same.

<Rodney…>

There was silence for the rest of the day. John retreated to the edge of the small camp they had made. He watched McKay move about, saw him wince once or twice, but he didn't undress. Rodney made a fire, ate a few power bars, and checked the backpacks. It was a methodic, professional behavior. Part of John was proud. Compared to the Rodney McKay of the first missions, this Rodney was more like a soldier than many others he knew. He had undergone a kind of development John wouldn't have thought possible. He trusted the scientist on missions, knew he could handle the danger, even if he whined and bitched, and he was reliable. Scared out of his socks, but reliable.

Sheppard sighed softly, tail flicking in misery. Rodney didn't so much as glance at him and when he finally turned in to sleep, it was late.

John dozed off himself, the horse still alert to any kind of possible predators approaching.

*

It had taken a day to repair the damage done. John had never felt so bad, and most of it had probably been the animal that was a large part of him. The equine was mourning the loss of communication between them, suffered from the physical distance. Rodney was giving him a cold shoulder, talked barely more than was necessary, and he had pointedly walked ahead at a brisk pace, rarely stopping.

In a way it was amazing to watch Dr. Rodney McKay, a man who could whine about strenuous walks and unnecessary cross-country hikes on alien planets, do what he always had shied away from. In the few days they had been here now, hoping to reach the Stargate, hoping for rescue, Rodney had shown a lot of strength. John was truly and utterly amazed.

Right now, that amazement was buried underneath the need to talk again. His attempts had been ignored, though he knew he was being heard. For someone who liked to talk ceaselessly, always animated, with his hands gesticulating, Rodney was eerily silent.

When they stopped for the night, John felt something inside of him curl with need. He couldn't stand it any more. He approached his friend and whether it was the horse or himself, he gently pushed his nose against the other man's back.

<Rodney?> he tried softly. <Please. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I never meant it>

The velvety snout brushed over warm human skin, nuzzled the neck, and he felt the physicist shiver. After what seemed to be ages, a hand reached up, touched the nose. Sheppard felt a flash of fear at a possible rejection, but then the strong fingers just brushed over his soft fur. Rodney turned and looked into his eyes, unconsciously stroking over his cheeks and nose.

Contact was established and Sheppard closed his eyes in what could almost be bliss. Something shivered over the connection and he suddenly felt Rodney's presence again. John took a last step forward and pressed his forehead against one shoulder, careful not to harm McKay with the dangerous horns.

And for just a moment, Rodney wrapped his arms around the dark brown head, hugging him. The mind link flared to life and John neighed softly, expressing his thanks.

<Apology accepted>

It took Sheppard a while to understand that what had been said hadn't been spoken. Rodney had used the mind link, for the first time, probably without realizing it, and John didn't bring it up.

He simply enjoyed the contact.
 
 

Listening to the words of the soldiers, Sheppard felt this strange longing, this need that had been there when he had still been a horse. Trapped with Rodney hadn’t been a nightmare. It wasn't like it had been a walk in the park, an adventurous vacation, but it hadn't been too bad. Rodney had been his life line. Without him, Sheppard would have gone insane.

Now they were back home and it felt like the ground had been pulled out from under him. He was off balance, he craved a companionship that he didn't allow himself to experience, and every night was colder and lonelier than the one before. He wanted to reach out toward the other man, but he refused to give in to the need.

He was stronger than that. He could deal with it.

* * *

Rodney had busied himself with the data on his scanner for the past two days. He had found a secluded lab, had locked the door, and he had snarled at whoever wanted to start a conversation with him. Beckett had taken him off regular duty, but he hadn't expressly forbidden him to enter a lab or browse through data.

Pages upon pages of data scrolled by. Readings taken from John throughout their forced stay, data from M7B-377, his own data, and later, when they had made it to the Gate, comparison data from the ruins. He had the burst of energy from the initial earthquake, something he doubted had been natural. He also had the readings from later, without the earthquake, and it was fascinating.

Rodney spent most of the day pouring over the data. He barely noticed the tray of food appearing at his side, but he did notice the rather stern voice of Carson when the chief medic gave him a talking to in person about what 'off duty' really meant.

So McKay took his laptop and all the data and walked into his room. He locked himself in and continued.

Work took his mind off the absence of John Sheppard through their mind link. Sleep, when it came, was little and accompanied by tossing and turning. He still dreamed of the dark brown horse, felt his helplessness, his worry, his fear. He remembered calming the huge equine oh-so-many times. And he remembered the warmth John's presence in his mind had been.

He missed it.

Especially at night.

Just as he thought sleep was about to finally claim him, Rodney jerked awake with the feeling of something – amiss.

<Rodney?>

The sound of John Sheppard’s voice in his mind was almost plaintive. Memories flashed by, the brown eyes gazing at him with terror of what had happened.

<What?> he snapped harshly and winced.

As much as he welcomed the private way of communication, he was also in a rather bad mood because of the lack thereof in the last few days. Didn't Sheppard feel how blocking him hurt?

<I… uh, I can’t sleep> Sheppard murmured, sounding embarrassed.

Neither could he; he hadn't slept properly since they had returned. He refused to confess to it, though. And he refused to run to Carson for medical help. That would mean tests and exams and questions. Rodney had promised Sheppard not to tell and he wouldn't. He could be called a lot, but he wasn't someone to break a promise given.

<So?> McKay asked coolly.

<Can I… you know, only for tonight? Please?>

Maybe it was the ‘please that was his undoing, Rodney had no idea, but he silently sent his agreement. A few minutes later the door to his room slid open and a dark figure slipped in -- into his bed. The slender body fit perfectly, without much arrangement, and within that moment Rodney knew what he had been missing.

* * *

Rodney woke, feeling better than in the last few days, despite the bad dream. He wasn't really surprised to notice that he was alone again. No John Sheppard in his bed, not even in his room, and the mind link was quiet, just like before. He sighed softly and rolled out of bed, wincing at his cramped muscles in his back. Sharing a bed meant for one with another person was just as bad for him as sleeping on the forest ground.

He groaned with another wave of discomfort. A shower helped, as did his usual two cups of strong coffee, and Rodney simply headed for the lab. After three days home, Radek had almost given up on shooing him out of the labs. The Czech just rolled his eyes, shoved whatever Rodney demanded at him, then McKay disappeared once more. No one bothered him with day-to-day work. Zelenka was filling in for him in that regard. Rodney only wanted to evaluate what little he had on the strange device on M7B-377 – without having to go back.

He shuddered at the thought of ever stepping back on that planet. Not even the Wraith or the threat of the Genii could get him to go back.

So Rodney went back to his own work, ignoring the discomfort of being alone, ignoring the teasing memory of how nice the night together had been.

He wasn't a sociable person. He didn't need people cuddling up to him. He didn't need John Sheppard.

* * *

He still dreamed of M7B-377 and he knew Rodney did so as well. Sheppard didn't know if they shared dreams. He didn't care.

No, wrong, he did. He cared about Rodney. He cared for the other man who had saved him, but he couldn't just fall back into the routine they had developed on the planet.
 
 

The landscape everywhere was made out of rock. The canyon was deep and the walls were rugged, cut into the ground by the small river running along the bottom of the natural formation. Trees clung to small ledges, bushes grew out of cracks and an abundance of wildlife scurried around the maze before him. The sun was high and gave a perfect light to look into the canyon, the beams reflecting off the river, bouncing off natural arches, fins and spires, all rising up before him. Most of the stone had a gray or red color, sometimes even cream or whitish gray. It was a breathtaking spectacle of light, scenery and colors.

His nostrils blew wide. He took in the scent of nature around him, ears pricked, eyes aglow with life and sparkling with mischief.

<I want to run, Rodney!>

"What? No, wait! I'm still on your back!"

He laughed as his friend slid off and the dark brown horse started to run. It felt so good to stretch his legs. It was wildness, freedom, losing oneself in the motion.

John whinnied in pure love of life, and he could feel Rodney's echo inside him. For the first time in a month, both men experienced something akin to pure love of this life, of this planet.
 
 

John shivered with the memories, with the emotions he still felt at the thought of running. It was as if he was now caged in, trapped, no longer a free spirit.

<John?>

He swallowed hard and refused to answer the worried question. He sensed Rodney close by, waiting, then the other man turned and retreated. Sheppard wanted this so badly, but still he fought it and it hurt more and more every time.

* * *

Sheppard's sprained ankle had healed faster than even Carson had predicted and the doctor was rather pleased with the progress. John had taken his 'all clear', three days after coming back, with mixed feelings. He was reminded of how fast his injuries as a … horse, face it, John, you were a big horse!... had healed. The deep cut to his shoulder had taken a week to scar and another to be gone. Rodney had theorized about it at the time, but he was no medical doctor and Sheppard had no inclination to talk to Carson.

It was his… their… secret.

Thankfully the complete physical had turned up no changes or abnormalities. Apparently shape-changing into four-legged creatures didn't leave you permanently different. At least medically. The rest was… debatable.

Carson had prescribed him a mild sleeping pill since John complained about his inability to sleep at night, and both he and Rodney were still on leave. Two weeks, Carson had told them.

The sleeplessness and the continued presence of Rodney in his mind were putting more pressure on him than the three months they had been lost. The need to spend time with Rodney, especially at night, was eating away at him. He was finding himself around his team mate more often than before. They had shared lunch in the past, but this was by now developing into a need for John.

And the nights…

He found it more and more difficult to keep his thoughts and emotions to himself, not to use the mind link to call for the other man, to see how he was doing. The loneliness was almost painful and the ease with which Rodney accepted him at his side, in his bed, sleeping together like they had done in the wilderness, was terrifying. The physicist should be running scared, should be snarking and snapping and yelling, but he was more accepting than John had ever thought.

It was after their first week back, a week spent cleaning up his desk and reading every single report coming in from the other teams, as well as catching up on those missions he had missed, that John found himself working out his frustration in the gym. His ankle was fine and carried his weight, even as he went through the moves.

The punching bag took quite a beating and when John stepped back from the hapless piece of gym material, he became aware of his watcher. Ronon was leaning against the wall, arms crossed in front of his chest, silent eyes on him.

"What?" Sheppard asked, a challenge in his voice.

"If you want to beat something up, choose someone who fights back."

"You volunteering?"

Ronon shrugged and pushed away from the wall. John grinned and flexed his fingers.

* * *

Ronon Dex was a warrior. He knew how to fight, he had survived being a Runner, he had survived the Wraith, he had survived more than anyone could think of. He wasn't all brawn. He had a sharp mind and because of it he had survived so much, never giving up, never backing down.

When he had chosen to remain on Atlantis, to become part of John Sheppard's team, it hadn't just been because these people were a chance for him to take revenge on the Wraith. He respected Sheppard. The man wasn't his physical match, but he was a commanding personality. He inspired his men, he had their respect and their loyalty, even though he wasn't one of them as he had once explained to him. In the military of the world he came from, Earth, there was a difference between Airforce and Marines. Sheppard was Airforce, had taken the place of the first military commander, and still he had the respect of his people.

Ronon had watched the man in the past year he had been with these men and women, and he understood where it came from.

So as he trained with Sheppard, he noticed the anger and grief and pain in the slighter man. He noticed the fury in each move, the need to channel something into physical blows, into drowning it through their fights. Ronon didn't step down, didn't take it easy, he treated Sheppard like everyone he respected and was loyal to.

No one really knew what had happened in the three months McKay and Sheppard had fought to survive on M7B-377. There had been a debriefing, an official report, but Ronon knew there was more. There was a closeness to the two men, something that spoke loudly to him that a kind of bonding had taken place. Still, the aggression was strange.

Blocking another strike from Sheppard, he easily twisted the man's arm around, heard the grunt of discomfort, and slammed the Colonel back onto the training mat.

"Enough?" Ronon asked, smirking.

Sheppard glared at him, struggling to get up, and Ronon let him.

A few moves later, after a lucky blow from his commanding officer, Sheppard was back on the ground again though, breathing hard.

"If you focus your anger instead of just fighting it, you might stand a chance."

Sheppard growled. "I'm not angry!"

"You are."

Ronon got up and held out a hand, pulling the other man to his feet. The Colonel took his fighting stance once more and Dex obliged him by entering a third round that ended just like the first two.
 
 

The gym encounters continued for almost four days and each time Sheppard ended painfully on the mat, Ronon inwardly shaking his head, but if his commanding officer needed to get this out of his system, he wouldn't turn down a good work out. Sheppard wasn't a wimp and he had some interesting moves that kept Dex on his toes, but he didn't focus. Teyla agreed with him and both just watched as their friend started to decline.

"It is Dr. McKay," Teyla stated throughout a shared lunch. "I noticed their growing distance. It worries me."

"Something happened on that planet," Ronon grunted. "They'll work through it."

"I hope so."

Ronon knew they would, but it would need time. Emotions weren't his thing and there were emotions involved, most of them anger, and there were people here who dealt with them. He would be Sheppard's punching bag as long as the Colonel wanted to get beat up. For everything else there were others.

* * *

He had made headway concerning the strange occurrence on M7B-377. Rodney had separated data strains, had compared them to devices he had studied extensively in this part of the galaxy and his own, and he had come to the conclusion that the energy burst that had registered on the scanner, and which had most likely caused the earthquake, was of Ancient origin. The ruins had been a lab of some kind and something inside had reacted to their presence, had come to life, and it had changed John Sheppard into a horse.

So much for what he could glean from the meager readings of before and after. Rodney still didn't know how exactly this could have happened. Shape-shifters existed, sure, but they couldn't change into anything much larger than their original body mass, or smaller for that matter. The horse had weighed ten times the weight of the Colonel, and that alone was impossible to explain.

And the final question was: why? Why come up with such a device? What had triggered it? Why only Sheppard?

Well, the last could have an easy answer: the ATA gene. Sheppard was the one who had come by it naturally. Rodney had undergone the artificial gene treatment, so that might be the reason. Usually it was a good reason to start with on a bad day, and Rodney was having a row of bad days.

He wished he could talk to Carson. The medic might have an idea about he whole shape-shifting thing. When John had finally managed to become human, standing there all pale and shocked and thin and very much naked, Rodney hadn't had the brain god had given him to take readings. He had been too shocked to react, then he had just caught the collapsing man and wrapped him in blankets until the shivers died down.

Rodney rubbed his tired eyes and pushed that thought aside, as nice and entertaining as it was. Ogling at traumatized team mates wasn't him. No one could accuse him of being completely insensitive. But with the reminder of a warm body next to him last night, it was hard to forget. Despite their almost frigid behavior toward each other, the distance they kept, the nights were spent together.

He should put a stop to it, Rodney knew. He should refuse, but he was weak. He was needy, and so was Sheppard. The nights were cold and lonely and both wanted this company. No sex, no touches other than sliding together, and in the morning Sheppard would always be gone.

Rodney pinched the root of his nose, sighing.

"Pathetic," he muttered.

* * *

"Good god, it's caveman time again," Rodney growled to himself as he rubbed his aching neck.

There was also the unmistakable echo of bruises forming on his body, though it wasn't his own body. In the past few days he had gone from annoyance to exasperation to pissy to grumpy to downright 'I'll kill the bastard'. Not only did Sheppard beat himself to pulp, no, he had to drag Rodney into it as well.

He had tried to ignore it. It hadn't worked.

He had tried to talk to the man. He had been ignored.

He had tried to lose himself in physics – and had miscalculated a simple equation three times in a row.

Rodney McKay was one very unhappy camper and even a wounded grizzly bear wasn't a match to his mood.

Stalking through the hallways he didn't even bother knocking on Sheppard's door. He used the gene to think it open and it did so obediently. If Rodney had lost more than a thought about his latest accomplishments when it came to working Ancient technology, he might have had something new to keep him busy. As it was, a certain Colonel was driving him insane.

Sheppard had apparently just showered and was in the process of dressing himself. He was more or less decent, but there was nothing Rodney hadn't seen before.
Especially after M7B-377.

"What the hell…?" Sheppard exclaimed.

Rodney ran a disapproving look over the bruise mottled chest. Sheppard gave him a dark look and pulled the black shirt over the bruises, hiding them again.

"What do you want, Rodney?" he asked.

"Are you done getting your head bashed in?" McKay wanted to know, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"It's called a work-out, Rodney."

"Working out is lifting weights or maybe even having Teyla hit you with her sticks, but Ronon? Colonel, you look like a limping ad for road kill!"

"Shut up," John growled, trying not to limp as he went over to put on his boots.

"Shut up about what? You getting yourself killed? Or me feeling it?!"

Rodney's voice had risen and there was a sharp quality to each and every word. When Sheppard stared at him, McKay's mouth twisted into a mockery of a smile.

"Surprised? You shouldn't be, Colonel! I can feel you here!" He tapped his forehead. <I can sense you, Sheppard! I can hear your thoughts and feel your emotions!>

"No!" John cried in denial.

"Yes!" Rodney snapped. "Yes, I can! Like on M7B-377! Like those goddamned three months of roughing it and keeping you sane!"

Sheppard stared at him, breathing hard, trying to glare the man into denying what he had just said.

<If you have to get yourself killed, do it!> Rodney drove his point home through the connection. <But leave me out of it!>

"Stop doing this!"

<Why? Because you don't want it? Fat chance, Colonel! I don't want to feel your bruises either!>

Hands balled into fists and Rodney prepared himself to get decked. He tried not to flinch when Sheppard stalked toward him, but he did and he moved a tiny step back, cursing himself a wimp.

Nothing happened.

Sheppard pushed past McKay and stormed down the corridor.

No one stopped him.

No one dared to.

Rodney closed his eyes and sighed. It sounded almost like a whimper. He couldn't go on like this. It was killing them both. After a long moment he steeled himself and
set out to find his missing Colonel.

It wouldn't be too hard to find the man on Atlantis. The city itself easily located those with the gene, and it seemed to have a certain fondness of Sheppard. Rodney wasn't above using every sensor at his disposal, and he got lucky quite soon.
 
 

It was one of the many abandoned areas of Atlantis, those of no use to the expedition for now, and those who couldn't be used as living quarters. The storm had left quite some damage in this area and Elizabeth had decided to lock everything down, keep flooding from happening, and no one was to wander around without a guard.
Not that John Sheppard had ever listened to such warnings, Rodney mused darkly as he stalked through the unlit corridor. There was enough light coming in through the windows high above, but it was filtered down to twilight and he hated tripping over things everywhere.

When he had finally made it to Sheppard's little hidey-hole, his mood had dropped another two notches toward ghastly. The room was big and had once probably been as nice and airy as the upper floor rooms. Now it was gray, stank of rotting algae and whatnot, and there was debris everywhere. A portion of the wall was missing and it was where Sheppard stood, staring out over the ocean.

"I hope you're not contemplating suicide, Colonel," Rodney remarked.

Sheppard glanced briefly at him. "Leave me alone, Rodney. You're worse than the plague."

"Which one?"

"You pick. You'll always be worse."

Rodney snorted, coming closer. "And if you could get your head out of your ass and see the brighter places, you wouldn't go around destroying yourself."

"I'm not suicidal."

"I didn't say suicidal, Sheppard. Would you just listen to me for one goddamn minute? We can't change what happened, okay? We have to live with it!"

Sheppard exhaled with a sharp hiss.

"And you lived with me just fine on that hell hole of a planet. What's different now?"

"We're back home!" Sheppard exploded. "Everything has changed."

"No, it hasn't!"

"I don't need you!" he yelled, eyes flashing dangerously. "I can take care of myself!"

"So that's why you keep coming to my room at night!" Rodney snapped back, aware he was by no on thin ice, but look if he cared.

"I'm not…"

"Oh right! The big Colonel Sheppard isn't in need of company! You're so independent, so brave, so military! You weren't any of that on M7B-377!"

"It's the past!"

<And what's this?>

"Stop it!"

<I won't! You can't change what happened, Sheppard. You can't erase this… mind link, this connection.>

"I can if you would stop using it!" Sheppard hissed.

<Why should I?>

Brown eyes flared with fury. "Stop it, Rodney," he whispered harshly.

<Make me!>
 
 

John moved without thinking and only when he saw the blue eyes widen in fear, when he heard the terrified intake of breath, did he realize what he had done. His hand dropped from where he had grabbed Rodney, pushed him against the wall, had pressed his forearm against the vulnerable throat…

"Oh god…"

He started to tremble. Fear and pain and exhaustion were all crashing down on him and it didn't help that he was looking into a pair of blue eyes that had watched over him for three long months. Rodney had been his life line. Rodney had kept him away from the edge of insanity. Rodney had brought him back.

He needed him.

No!

Sheppard crashed hard into the wall behind him, whispering, "I don't need you," again and again and again.

He felt so completely out of control. His body wasn't his any more. It had been changed. His mind was now connected to McKay and he craved that contact. His very soul screamed for the other man, and all John Sheppard could do was curl his hands into fists, nails digging painfully against the soft palms.

"You do," Rodney told him, voice sad and slightly rough as he rubbed his throat gingerly. "I wish this was different. But you do."

John was shaking now, hands clenched into fists to keep himself from breaking completely, and he shook his head in denial.

"I can't…." he managed. "I can't need you. I'm… I'm myself. I'm not this… thing. This isn't happening to me!"

"You weren't a thing. You were a huge horse with horns," the soft voice said. "And it happened."

Why was Rodney so compassionate? Why wasn't he ranting and snarking and just hitting him for his attack? Why was he, John Sheppard, having a nervous breakdown on his doorstep, and McKay was so… collected? Why didn't he go running to Elizabeth, demanding that John be sent back or court-martialed or… or…

<Because I can feel your fear, John>

"I'm not afraid!" he cried.

<You are! Of this! What it means!>

"It means nothing! Stay out of my head!" he yelled.

And then he ran.

Away from his hiding place, to find something even further away, something new, something where no one could find him.
 
 

Rodney wasn't aware he was trembling until he ran a severely shaking hand through his hair. He fell against the wall and sank down to sit onto the floor, the reaction to the attack and the terror he had felt from Sheppard finally taking root.

In a way he understood the Colonel's reaction. He had been a backseat rider to them for the past week and it had culminated in this, but it wasn't over. Sheppard slept badly, he was pushing away what had been a great need for three months, and while Rodney had absolutely no idea about horses he understood the loneliness in Sheppard's mind.

John had changed, not just physically, on that planet. As had Rodney. Their connection, as frightening as it had been, had become Sheppard's life line with which he had survived this horrifying ordeal. That he longed for normalcy was, well, normal. Rodney wanted to go back to his old life and just forget as well, but after two days he had given up on that.

There was no going back.

As long as the mind link existed, they had to live with it. And they had to keep this secret.

With only him knowing about the physical transformation Colonel Sheppard had gone through, Rodney was also the only one John could talk to, but he refused to do so.
Maybe it was time to push the last button. Rodney closed his eyes, for a moment feeling the fear come back when Sheppard had almost choked him. He was good at pushing buttons, but usually there was someone to protect him from the fall out. Right now the one who always kept him safe was the one whose last button he needed to push.

Oh fun.

* * *

There was no overlooking the facts any longer. Elizabeth had noticed how strained the relationship between McKay and Sheppard had become, and she had, like many, attributed it to the solitary time the men had spent on the backwater planet. There had been no human contact, just the two of them, and she knew that any friendship, no matter who the parties concerned were, would be sorely tested by this. With Rodney and John, two very different personalities had been trapped there, depending on the other. She refused to believe that their friendship had broken. No, it was something different, something more personal, and they were both working through it in their own way.

Sessions with their resident psychologist hadn't shed any light. Kate Heightmeyer refused to talk about personal revelations, but she had told Elizabeth that she believed that something groundbreaking had happened, something they weren't talking to her about. For now she had to tolerate it. If, at the end of the two weeks Beckett had insisted both men needed, no change had occurred, she had to start attacking this problem.
 
 

Things got a little better. At least neither man looked like he hadn't slept at all in that week. Rodney was burying himself in work, even though Carson argued he needed rest, and in the second week he even came to Elizabeth with his theories about M7B-377 and the ruined lab they had found there.

"Should we send a research team?" Elizabeth asked and for a moment she thought she saw fear in Rodney's eyes.

"We can't access the Gate," he replied snarkily.

"I could send the Daedalus. We have the planet's location."

Rodney waved her off. "I doubt we can get a lot from whatever the Ancients did there."

"They chose an abandoned or even never inhabited planet to erect a Stargate and a lab," Elizabeth argued. "It might be of interest."

Another negative wave. "It's old, most of what we found was destroyed, and whatever dislocated me and Sheppard, it wasn't there when we returned. The whole thing had collapsed in on itself."

She nodded thoughtfully. Weir wasn't ready to send their only ship to a remote planet to drop off a bunch of researchers, especially since her head scientist argued against it, but something in Rodney's behavior tipped her off to the fear. Whatever had happened, whatever they both didn't tell anyone, it was connected to that planet.

"Are you sure?"

McKay nodded. "Yes. I have what I need. It was an outpost, Elizabeth. Maybe they wanted to get a whole lab there, but the Wraith interrupted their ideas of research on a nice and quiet backwater world. I have more here in Atlantis that looks promising than what I saw there."

"Okay. Thank you for the report."

Rodney just shrugged, then left. Elizabeth watched him disappear down a corridor, frowning mildly.

* * *

After the attack, things had ground to a shaky halt. Rodney had tried to ignore the fact that he suddenly felt slightly afraid of the Colonel, and he had tried to ignore the disturbing dreams of the next night. He had been the victim of sharp hooves, of long, razor-like horns, and the fury of a wild animal. Rodney had woken at three in the morning and wandered about the silent corridors, shaking slightly.

He found himself in front of Sheppard's quarters and this time he knocked. Barely a minute passed before the door slid open and a rather rumpled but not very sleepy looking John Sheppard gazed at him.

"What do you want?" he asked, sounding emotionally wrung out.

"Talk." And he pushed inside.

Sheppard sighed. "I'm not in the mood for talking, Rodney."

"Too bad. Then just listen."

"Not in the mood for that one either."

"You're also not sleeping."

"Genius."

He smirked. "Yes, correct." Rodney looked around, shook his head at the mess Sheppard had created. The man was usually very neat, but that had changed. He turned to the Colonel. "Why are you fighting this?"

"What exactly?"

"All of it, Sheppard! All of it! You need the company and yet you deny yourself the closeness! Why?"

"You think no one will notice me coming to your room every night?" Sheppard asked harshly.

"I'd be shocked if they didn't! Your Marines would have to be blind not to see!"

"I don't want them to see!"

"You don't want them to know!" Rodney snapped. "You don't want them to know that you need human contact like the rest of us human beings!"

"I'm no longer human!" Sheppard cried out.

"Because some kind of Ancient device turned you into a big horse? You also turned into Bug Man and it didn't freak you like this! <Or is it this?> Rodney added, using the link.

John flinched back, breathing hard. "I said stop this!"

"Want to strangle me again, Colonel?"

The brown eyes were impossibly wide, but nothing could divert attention from the lines of exhaustion, from the rings under Sheppard's eyes, and Rodney's reaction to the bad state of his friend was more sympathy than he had ever had for another human being. The three months hadn't gone by without leaving traces with him either.

A violent tremor went through the slender form and Rodney took an involuntary step closer.

"Rodney, I… I can't go on like this," Sheppard moaned.

"Then accept what happened and what you need. It'll be so much better for all involved, which is you and me!"

The tremors increased and the Colonel started to sway.

<John, it happened. It wasn't a bad dream you can forget. Hell, I know I can't forget it! Not with you snuggling up to me every night and being there, in my mind!>

<No…>

Rodney caught the collapsing form and grunted as the full weight was suddenly on him. He stumbled and managed to haphazardly sit down on the bed. Sheppard was trembling and his hands were clenched into Rodney's shirt, not unlike the time he had finally managed to assume human form again on M7B-377. Back then Sheppard had clung to him just the same, wordless, soundless, just shaking.

This time there was a difference. This time it wasn't relief. It was fear and anxiety and the horror of the past all coming together. It was desperation and denial, and there were… tears. John was crying soundlessly, tears leaking from his closed eyes.

Rodney held him. Just held him.

In the end he managed to get them both onto the bed, John still clingy, still holding on like he was the only real thing he knew, and Rodney stroked over the dark, unruly hair. It was a gentle, petting motion, one he had used on the frightened horse as well. It was surreal and still familiar, and it lulled them both into a doze. Like on M7B-377, the caresses calmed Rodney as much as Sheppard. His freaking was on a very low level, somewhere deep inside, and maybe, later, he would do it more pronouncedly.

Right now losing it wasn't an option. One half of their connection was already down for the count and if he succumbed, they would be heading for the rubber cell rather quickly.

* * *

They were back at the Stargate – and with it back to the ruins. John pranced nervously and Rodney clutched the black mane, though he knew he wouldn't be able to keep Sheppard from running.

"It's okay," he murmured. "It's okay."

<No> was the almost panicky reply. <I can still feel it. I can feel… it's like…>

And then he got a garbled mess that almost floored him. Rodney gave a cry of surprise and stumbled away from the equine as one massive shoulder shoved him hard. His mind was filled with distorted images, with strangeness, with… twisting and changing and… pain! He screwed his eyes shut and whimpered, almost going down on his knees.

<Rodney!>

The cry was accompanied by a shrill whinny that almost split his eardrums. McKay opened his eyes.

"Colonel, no!" he yelled.

But the equine was beyond reason. Like the scared animal John Sheppard was deep down inside his human mind, he twisted on his hind legs to start running. There was a low rumble and Rodney froze, his heart almost stopping.

"No," he moaned. "No, no, no!"

The machine.

But this time there was no earthquake, no bright light, only the shrill cries of a terrified horse and the pounding of hooves as Sheppard took off. He didn't get far. One of his hooves slid into a hole in the ground, probably from the last quake, and he went down hard. There was an equine cry of pain as he was thrown onto his side, the hind leg twisting sharply, and he started to struggle.

<John! No!>

A high-pitched, terrified whinny cut the air.

Rodney wasn't aware of actually using the mind link so strongly, nor did he realize that he had run toward the panicking alien horse until he almost got hit by a sharp hoof.

<STOP IT!> he yelled.

Sheppard struggled to his feet, coat flecked with sweat, nostrils wide, and he was favoring one hind leg. His eyes rolled and he was actually limping away from Rodney, wheezing.

<John, listen to me! You're not in danger! It's okay!>

For the first time since they had been stranded hear, Rodney felt real panic. Sheppard was hurt, the animal side was dominant, and while the horse couldn't run, it was huge, it had sharp horns, sharp teeth and was probably out of its mind.

<John… calm down, push back the animal>

A whinny, frightened and accompanied by more limping.

Rodney's panic threatened to overflow.

<Colonel Sheppard!>

The dark head flew up, eyes wide, the nostrils exhaling gusts of warm air.

<You're Colonel John Sheppard! Not some stupid horse! Damnit, pull yourself together!>

In hindsight, maybe he should have said something like this before. Maybe it was the trigger to what happened next. Rodney couldn't be sure. He just
gave a yell of fright as the whole equine started to twist out of focus, as he heard the shrill screams of almost-pain. He gasped as he witnessed something he couldn't put into words. His mind was awash with the shared emotions of the man before him… the man and the horse… and then there was only John Sheppard, naked as the day he had been born, and wide, brown eyes glazed over as knees gave way.

"Colonel!"

He caught the collapsing form, feeling the shivers, and he hectically searched through the backpack for the blankets.

"John? Can you hear me? Sheppard!"

A moan answered him.

"Damnit! Why? Why does it always happen to me?" Rodney whined. "First a horse, now that!"
 
 

Rodney had dragged and cursed and carried and threatened the other man closer to the ruined Ancient structure. John was weakly protesting the closeness of the very installation that had turned him into a four-legged alien being, but Rodney simply ignored him. He wrapped him into a blanket against the now colder wind.

Looking up into the sky he grimaced. The clouds had darkened and it looked like rain. There was barely any shelter here and what doubled as mediocre was actually rather disheartening for protection. Part of the building he had been exploring before this had happened was still more or less forming a small shelter and it was where he had dragged the other man. There was nowhere else to go in case it started to rain, and they had no tent in their backpacks.

Should make a requisition for that, he mused.

John was shivering, eyes on the sky, looking shocky and too pale and way too thin, in Rodney's eyes. His foot looked bad. Sheppard was wincing every time he put weight on it and it had made their little trip even more difficult.

"Can you dress yourself?" he asked matter-of-factly as he rummaged through the second backpack and unearthed Sheppard's clothing.

It had taken him a very long time, accompanied by the gentle ribbing of the changed Colonel, to sew the rips back together again. It wasn't a whole lot of good, but it was some meager cover. They also had blankets, which would help, and the boots had mysteriously survived intact.

Teeth chattering, the Colonel nodded.

Rodney watched the failing attempts at coordinating hands and feet and whatever other body parts were involved. He finally rolled his eyes.

"Let me help!" he snapped and snatched the pants out of numb fingers.

It wasn't any better with two of them attempting to dress the trembling man, but he finally had the pants buttoned, his own t-shirt and the repaired long-sleeve shirt over Sheppard's head, and he forced him into his jacket as well.

"Gonna be bad…"John whispered.

"What?"

"Thunder storm. Bad one."

Sheppard winced and buried in the blankets Rodney had thrown over him. He was wearing only one boot. The other couldn't make it over the injury.

McKay looked up into the sky and sighed. It was almost dark out there, and from his sense of time it wasn't even late afternoon yet, and the clouds were churning. Wind whipped at his hair and he quickly crawled back to Sheppard, who had crawled into the farthest corner of their meager shelter.

A fire was out of the question, but he could at least try and make them comfortable before the storm hit them full force.

Thunder rolled in the distance and he saw Sheppard wince. The brown eyes were too dilated for Rodney's liking and he had no idea what the sudden change back into human shape had cost the other man.

First things first.

Make them comfortable, protect them as best as possible. In the past three months Rodney had learned a thing or two about roughing it, and John had been a great help with his military survival tips. So in short time Rodney had cleared out a nice area in the back, checked for possible leaks in the roof, and by the time the first raindrops hit the ground, they were more or less comfy. As best as possible.

Sheppard audibly bit back a whimper when the thunder was accompanied by lightning, burying deep into the blankets, and Rodney regarded him with worry.

"John?" he asked quietly.

<Can't.. it's… I can't stop…>

Rodney froze in shock at the mind voice, then forced himself to ignore it.

The mind link still worked, part of him screamed. Good god, it still worked!

No freaking, he told himself. No freaking, no screaming, no running, no asking dumb questions. Genius here. Just… handle it, McKay.

Reaching out, he mentally as well as physically touched the frightened human being, and Sheppard did something that would probably embarrass him if he ever remembered it. He clung to Rodney, hands fisting into his shirt, and when McKay settled himself more comfortably against the wall, he almost crawled onto his lap.

"Shhhh..." Rodney murmured, hands running over the shaking back, just like he had calmed the horse.

<Can't fight it… this fear…>

"Don't. Maybe it's left-over instinct. Animals fear thunder and lightning."

Outside, the wind started to howl and more rain splattered onto the ground. Rodney wrapped his arms around the newly-turned-human Colonel,
soothing him, murmuring softly, trying to keep his own fear at bay. The very air was charged with electricity, the wind was ripping at the shelter, and the rain was like a staccato beat against the roof.

Cowering under the blankets, Rodney hoped that John wouldn't suddenly turn back. That would be rather… bad.

"It's okay," he repeated.

"Sorry," Sheppard managed, voice sounding rough. "Sorry."

And he was embarrassed. Rodney smiled weakly.

"Nothing to apologize for. We wait this out, then we dial home."
 
 

The rain lasted all night and one storm front chased another. They fell into an uneasy sleep and Rodney woke feeling cramped, but also rather warm. Sheppard was still very close to him, as close as humanly possible, and Rodney didn't have the heart to wake the man. He smiled at the wild tuft of hair sticking out from under the blankets.

Even the hair is back, he thought.

*

When Sheppard woke he was more coherent than the night before. He blinked a little owlishly and slowly untangled himself from the blankets. Rodney didn't say anything until the other man looked at him, then he just raised an eyebrow.

"How do you feel?"

<Human>

Rodney's brows rose higher. "Colonel?"

<Huh?>

"Are you aware you're using the mind link?"

Sheppard gave him a startled look, then cleared his throat. "Oh," he rasped.

"It's probably just instinct."

Like so many things had been. Sheppard moved his foot and winced, the wince turning in a grimace within a second.

"Ow, damnit!"

"You twisted your foot."

"I noticed, Rodney!"

"No need to get snippy."

Brown eyes glared. "I'm not snippy."

"Sure."

Rodney got to his feet, feeling strangely out of the water now that his team leader was his human self again.

"I'll…" he gestured vaguely with one hand, "have a look at the Gate."

Sheppard just nodded, one hand gingerly massaging his aching foot. Rodney knew it ached. He felt echoes of the pain through the link. Sheppard had a high threshold for pain and what Rodney felt was actually a very watered down version of the real thing.

"Help me up," the Colonel growled, shuffling into a better position to rise.

"You think it's wise to…"

"Rodney!"

Blue eyes flared with annoyance. "Three months as an alien horse haven't been good for your mood, Colonel!"

"Help me the hell up! I want to leave this thrice-damned place as soon as possible!"

A hand was demandingly stuck out and Rodney grabbed it, not really surprised at how easily he was able to pull the other man up. Sheppard had lost weight.

<You live off bark, grass and berries, then we'll talk!>

<I did, Colonel> Rodney replied pointedly through the link.

Anger wormed its way into the gaze that met his. Sheppard was severely off balance. Rodney wouldn't be able to tell from looking just at the outside appearance, which reflected annoyance and pain, but the mind link was another matter.

"Get dialing," John muttered.

"Yes, Sir, Mr. Colonel, Sir!"

Sheppard limped after him, wincing every time his foot so much as touched the ground with one toe. Rodney ignored him, though he was worried, and walked over to the DHD. It looked intact and so did the Stargate. A quick check of the dialing device confirmed that.

"Then why didn't they look for us," McKay murmured, feeling a brief pang of abandonment.

"They did. I'm sure they did."

"Not very far!"

"We weren't in the area, McKay."

"That never stopped anyone from widening the search radius!" Rodney snapped. "We came here on foot in three months! Someone should have seen us before!"

Sheppard looked uncomfortable, but he didn't comment. They had talked about this before, throughout their journey here, and all the answers had been disheartening.

"When we get home," John could be heard, "leave this out of the briefing."

"You twisting your foot in a gopher hole? Why? It's so much fertile ground for high comedy," Rodney taunted.

"I meant the horse thing."

He looked up, eyes narrowing. "What horse thing, Colonel? There were many horse things."

"All of it."

Rodney stopped halfway reaching out for the first glyph. "What?"

"We won't mention this."

"This is vitally important!"

"What for?" Sheppard demanded, balancing most of his weight on his good foot.

"You shape-changed!" Rodney exclaimed. "This isn't just a minor thing like contracting alien measles!"

"Rodney…"

"Why?" McKay asked sharply. "Why would you lie?"

"I won't lie! I just don't want anyone to know!"

"You became Iratus Bug Man and you didn't care!"

"That's different!"

"How?"

Sheppard face was a mask of anger. "It was different," he reiterated. "I was.. bitten, infected."

"And here an Ancient machine made you do it. It's not different. Who knows what after-effects this has?!"

"I'm human again, okay? It's over."

<What about this?>

Sheppard inhaled sharply. "Stop that, Rodney."

<You might be human, but something stayed. Something lingered. With both of us!> Rodney insisted.

"It'll fade."

"Of course, Dr. Sheppard, xeno-biologist extraordinaire."

"Just dial the damn Gate!"

"And then step through and lie through my teeth?"

"Rodney!"

McKay gritted his teeth, fuming silently and not so silently. Cursing under his breath, calling a rather stubborn Lieutenant Colonel all kinds of things the man in question heard, he punched the first glyph.

* * *

For the first time in ten days, John Sheppard didn’t wake abruptly, slid out of bed and hurried out of a room that wasn't his own. Well, this was his room, so there was no hurrying involved. For the first time in ten days he had slept deeply and had dreamed of nothing bad or terrifying. Sheppard let his senses adjust to the warmth next to him and part of him cherished the closeness of another being. It felt right to be with someone, to feel body heat, to hear gentle snores, and this strange part of him insisted that he needed this.

John snuggled into the arm that was holding him and made a noise of content. He no longer felt alone. He felt… home.

<You're aware just who you're snuggling with, right?>

John cracked an eye open and looked into a pair of amused blue eyes. He should be pushing away, he should be screaming and shouting, but he was too relaxed, feeling too good to do much.

"Very," he muttered, not making a move to get up.

<Good>

"Stop it, Rodney, please."

<Why?>

"I…" John sighed and reluctantly moved away from the company he had craved so much and denied himself to have. "It's just freaky."

"You weren't freaked on M7B-377."

"Back then it was the only way to talk to you!"

Sheppard sat up and swung his legs over the mattress. The sensual moment was broken. A hand was on his back, soothing, gentle, so familiar in the way it touched him.

"Rodney…"

"That bother you now?"

"Yeah."

No, it wasn't. It felt as good as when he had still been an alien horse. Rodney did that to him, calmed him, soothed him, and even if he was aware of McKay's own
skittish emotions that he kept under tight lock, John enjoyed it. He liked this. He liked this too much for his own sanity.

"Cause the big bad military commander can't let anyone know he likes being touched by a geek?" came the acidic remark.

Sheppard winced. Yes. Yes, because this was bad. Not because it was Rodney touching him. Not because of anyone knowing about it. It was bad because he depended on this. He sought out his head scientist to calm his nerves. He had this instinctual need for the warmth Rodney represented, his safety.

And that was just plain wrong. Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard didn't need back pats and caresses to feel safe and secure. He hadn't needed them in the past and he sure as hell didn't need them now. He wasn't close to breaking apart because of what had happened.

If anyone should tremble and gibber to himself it was Rodney. Why was McKay so much braver in this? Why was he so accepting?

"If you put it like that…" John heard himself say.

The hand was removed and he mourned it immediately.

"Don't worry, Colonel," McKay said coolly. "I'm not going to change that straight boy image of yours."

"Rodney…"

No! It wasn't about that! Never about that. It was something so complicated and emotionally twisted, Sheppard didn't understand it himself.

"Don't bother."

“Rodney, I know you’re attracted to me,” he blurted.

The blue eyes grew even colder. “So you read my file? News flash, Colonel. Everyone who has knows I like both sides. No shock there. Yes, I find you attractive. Had from the start, but so what? Don’t get me wrong here, I wouldn’t mind a roll in the hay with you, not at all. But just because I would like to doesn’t necessarily mean I will.”

And with that he was out the door, looking rumpled and unshaven. Sheppard suddenly felt very alone and helpless. The animal inside him stirred nervously.

<Rodney?>

But the other didn’t respond.

He hung his head, feeling a faint headache creep up on him. He had blown it again. The next step in what he might be able to call a healing process, and he had again destroyed what little headway they had made.

* * *

Rodney looked at his makeshift bed from twigs and leaves and warm moss, covered by a thermo blanket with indignation. It was the third night on this godforsaken planet and he started to wonder deeply where the cavalry was.

“All this sleeping on the ground is so not good for my back,” he muttered.

<Take it this way – I have to sleep on all fours> Sheppard’s voice in his mind made him jump.

“Don’t do that,” he snapped.

<What?>

“Listening in.”

<I’m not listening in, Rodney. You’re broadcasting>

McKay sighed loudly. "Just… don't," he muttered and tried to get comfortable on the ground.

There was the sound of hooves on soft ground coming closer, then warm air blew against his neck, making Rodney jump.

"Don't do this!" he yelled.

<Sorry>

But he didn't sound sorry.

Rodney grunted something, then pointedly turned onto his side and closed his eyes.
 
 

The next morning came with a drizzle of rain and Rodney cursed and muttered throughout packing their things. John watched him curiously, then patiently waited until the backpacks were secured on his back. Rodney felt velvety lips nuzzle him as he tested the straps and he pushed the head aside.

"Can't you control yourself?" he asked acidly.

<Sorry. I… can't explain it> Sheppard answered sheepishly.

McKay snorted and winced when his knotted muscles complained about the abuse they had taken from sleeping on the ground.
 
 

Rodney sat in front of his laptop, unable to concentrate on his work. Memories of M7B-377 came and went. He recalled the pain, the hardship, but also the sudden closeness between him and John Sheppard. It had become more than mere friendship. It had become… the mind link, the connection between two very different people.

He should be freaked out by the almost telepathic connection, but part of him, and it wasn't the scientist, actually liked the idea. For whatever reason. He had liked the strange new way of communication, and he had learned to read Colonel Sheppard's moods through this connection and by watching the large horse his friend had become.

He had discovered a whole new side to Sheppard, one that wasn't the animal, one that had probably always been there, and one that Rodney was attracted to even more than he had been before.

He raked his hands through his hair. Damn. He didn't need this on top of all the other problems, like the Wraith, the Genii or all the other homicidal maniacs in the Pegasus galaxy. He didn't need to fall even more for the handsome Airforce Colonel. It was bad enough already and three months with the man had only added to the attraction.

"Why me?" he groaned.

He felt like banging his head on his precious computer.

<Rodney…>

It sounded helpless, pleading.

“I’m here, Colonel.”

Rodney pressed his fist against his closed eyes, trying to push the memories away, but they refused to go.

He missed the closeness they had had. He missed… John. Not Colonel Sheppard, but John. The man whose anchor he had been. The man he had suddenly gotten to know anew.

It didn't help that Sheppard had told him in oh-so-many words that he wouldn't mind getting to know each other even more closely. Rodney was so tempted to use the mind link, to talk to the other man, to touch the presence he had come to know.

"Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He's bi, you like his ass, and suddenly you lust after the whole man. Stupid."

But he liked the lusting and he liked the ass, and he liked the personality that came with the ass. Rodney had never had any illusions about his success when it came to Sheppard. Sure, he might enjoy a one-night stand, but he didn't want that. He wanted him for more than that or not at all. He wasn't shy, he wasn't timid, he knew what he wanted and he usually got it – aside from Samantha Carter. She had been the only woman who had ever managed to completely shoot him down, throw him off balance and have him behave like a total idiot.

"I'm dead," he moaned. "I'm so dead."

Because John Sheppard was mind-linked to him.

So dead…
 

* * *

The sheets were cool against his heated skin and a salty breeze made the curtains move, bringing with it the always present sound of waves crashing. John tossed around for the umpteenth time, wishing sleep would claim him. But sleep refused. He was feeling confused about his earlier come-on to Rodney, how bluntly he had approached the physicist. It hadn’t been what he had had in mind, not at all. Yes, he had come to get to know the other man a lot better within the three months they had been stranded on that planet, and he had liked what he had seen.

This mind-link or whatever it was they had developed had helped immensely. He had seen bits and pieces and sides of Rodney McKay he doubted anyone else knew about, and he had gotten a deeper insight in their local genius. Yes, he wanted Rodney McKay, and he wanted all of him. He would have to do a lot of convincing and maybe even courting – but for him to be able to do that Rodney would have to talk to him again first.

And his room felt lonely.

<Rodney?>

No answer.

<Rodney, please>

God, he hadn’t pleaded that much in his entire life so far.

<What do you want?> came the cool reply.

It hurt. He wanted the warmth again, the caring. Yes, Rodney McKay could care, and he had cared about him. He had protected him, had been his only companion.

<Can I come over?> John asked carefully.

<Whatever for?>

<I… need you>

The moment he thought it, he knew it was true. He did need Rodney, as much as the horse had needed him, as much as he had needed him to stay sane. There was a very long moment of silence and John was about to curl up and immerse himself in misery when he felt the slight tug at his mind, indicating that Rodney was there.
He was out of his room in record time.

* * *

The two weeks had come and gone. They had fallen into an almost-normal routine again with some exceptions – like sleeping in the same bed at night, John snuggled up to Rodney as if he was only four and Rodney the biggest teddybear in the world. Beckett had checked them over every now and then, but finally declared them fit again, very much to Sheppard’s delight and Rodney’s relief. So now both men were back on active duty and heading toward another off-world mission.
 

The first time Rodney stepped through the Stargate to explore another planet, he felt an unfamiliar tension. It was supposed to be a friendly planet with nice natives, with no aggression against visitors, but how often had they heard that before and then run for their lives?

<Relax>

McKay didn't know if Sheppard was even aware that he had used the link, or that he stood rather close by, P90 loosely cradled in one arm. Sharp eyes scanned the area while Teyla and Ronon secured the back. Rodney checked his scanner and found nothing. Not a blip.

"Where to?" Sheppard asked, looking at Telya.

The Athosian nodded straight ahead. "We walk this way. The settlement is near the river."

With Teyla in the lead and Ronon bringing up the back, the team started to walk. Rodney kept his attention on his scanner or just gazed around the landscape. It wasn't unlike the planet they had been rescued from, just… nicer.

<Itchy>

He frowned and shot his team leader a quizzical look. <What?>

<I… itch>

<Then scratch the itch, unless it's in a rather private area>

<No, not like this> Exasperation floated along with the words. <It's… like I want to run>

Rodney didn't know what to reply to that and thankfully there were a bunch of people approaching, which turned Sheppard's attention away from whatever was bothering him. Teyla greeted the three men, talked softly, then turned to the team, smiling. Introductions were made and the normal game of meet and greet began.

* * *

The Aren insisted they stay the night for the trade agreements to be viewed by the Elders, and Rodney grumbled all the way to the hut he had been told was for honored guests. There was a rather large bed, which was surprisingly soft, and while it didn't have his orthopedic mattress, Rodney's back had long since grown accustomed to sleeping on make-shift beds as it seemed.

He wasn't surprised to feel John's presence an hour later, the request for company unspoken. The silent shadow slipped into his hut and Rodney sighed with content, something he would argue he didn't feel, when the warm body was next to him again. As usual Sheppard would start out snuggled against him, an arm thrown over his stomach, and Rodney held no doubt that he wouldn't be there the next morning.

He was, of course, right.

From the way Ronon looked at him, Rodney had the brief impression that the other man knew what was happening, but he couldn't really interpret those looks. Ronon was hard to read and the permanent scowl didn't make it easier to see a friendly notion in the man.

So McKay ignored him.

They returned to Atlantis with a promising trade agreement, had their debriefing, and Rodney started to head for his lab.

<Rodney?>

The question was hesitant and he steeled himself for what was to come.

<Yes, Colonel?>

<Coffee?>

It was like a peace offering, though Rodney had no idea why it would be made. They had developed a kind of strange arrangement, and it even if it didn't help alleviate the loneliness completely, it did help them sleep at night.

He just nodded, sending his agreement, and Sheppard joined him a moment later, looking a bit sheepish.

<For not wanting this link, you like to use it> Rodney remarked, trying to keep the acid out of his voice.

John evaded his eyes. <Gotta live with it one way or the other. This is less painful>

<You hurt?> Rodney's brows climbed.

He didn't get an answer.

They chose a secluded table and McKay studied his friend, noting the fidgeting.

"Something you want to talk about, Colonel?" he asked out loud.

"No." <Yes… well, kinda>

<Make up your mind. I don't have all day>

Sheppard sighed and sipped at his coffee. <Are you okay with this?>

"With what?" Rodney asked, startling the other by using normal speech.

"This arrangement."

Rodney frowned. "As you said, it hurts."

"You… too?"

"If you mean the loneliness? Yes. I can feel that. It's cold. I hate it. I hate having you in my head even more, but I can live with it."

For a moment there was a startled silence. <You don't hate it> Sheppard stated after a while.

<And what makes you such an expert?> he snapped.

<I can feel you>

<News flash, Colonel: it's been like this ever since that accident>

The brown eyes held his own and Rodney felt his mouth go dry. The attraction was there again. He had fought it ever since their fight, but it was back – with a vengeance. How could a grown man, with impossible hair, look so vulnerable? How could he just look and have Rodney almost literally on his knees?

<Stop that!> he sent harshly. <I'm not one of the willing and wanting alien bimbos you need to seduce!>

<Because you want me already?>

Another harsh swallow. Yes, he wanted him. Yes, he was attracted to John Sheppard. Yes, he lusted after that butt. And no, he wouldn't take advantage of Sheppard's vulnerability, or the mind link.

<I know all your dirty tricks, Sheppard. I'm not easy>

<Never said you are> Sheppard smiled a little, then he grew more serious. <And this isn't about sex. Or a one night stand. I'm afraid I'm losing it>

<Because you come crawling into my bed every single night by now?> Rodney demanded cruelly.

Sheppard gazed at the desk. "No," he said quietly. "I like that, too. I like the… warmth. I find it peaceful. But… when we were with the Aren… I had this urge to run.
I could feel the animal… I wanted to become it again, be free, just race. I'm afraid I might become it again, Rodney."

McKay was silent, feeling his own shock at the words. They had no idea why John had reverted back into human form, so it might be possible he could just switch back once more.

<Let's go> he only murmured, aware that this was too public for Sheppard to have another breakdown.

<I won't break down!> came the indignant hiss.

"Uh-huh."

They walked and Rodney had no idea where he led them until they arrived on a small pier, one that had been cleared months ago.

The smell of the ocean was a welcome change to the filtered air of Atlantis. The sun was out, there were a few clouds, and a mild breeze touched their hair. Rodney watched as Sheppard walked over to the end of the pier, gazing out over the ocean.

The attraction was there again. He had told the truth that he had liked the man more than just as a fellow explorer in an unknown galaxy. He had been attracted to the boyishly handsome Major and he was still very much attracted to the Lieutenant Colonel. He had never been jealous of all the women swooning over Sheppard for more than maybe twenty-four hours. In Chaya's case the whole time she had been there. He had never thought he had more than a passing chance. Rodney himself hadn't been exclusive, and why should he have been? He had never thought to have a go at this.

But now?

"I think I can still do it," Sheppard said quietly, turning to face him. "Change. I don't know how, but it feels like it… This equine is still there. I have the same instincts."

<And there's also this> he added, using the mind link.

"A side product of the machine," Rodney only said.

John shuddered a little at the mentioning of the device. The physicist walked over to him, trying not to touch. In the end his hand was on Sheppard's back, drawing soothing patterns, a reminder of their solitary time. John leaned into the touch, eyes closed, and Rodney found himself smiling.

<This attraction,> the Colonel whispered, <what if it is the machine, too?>

<Like I said, it hasn't just been a few days> Rodney said with unusual patience. <It's been there since you triggered the Chair>

Silence greeted that statement. He continued the caresses and suddenly Sheppard leaned into his body, seeking more physical closeness, and lips brushed over his neck.

<I still itch> John complained weakly.

Rodney felt the tingle of skin where the lips had placed their kiss. He wanted nothing more than to kiss back, to kiss for real, but not here. Not out in the open.

<Maybe we can make a trip to the mainland?>

<And what?>

<See what happens>

There was a gust of warm air as Sheppard sighed and he clenched a hand into Rodney's shirt.

"I don't want to become this creature again."

"I like you better this way, too. Though you looked quite… handsome."

The brown eyes glared at him. "I was a horse, McKay!"

Rodney smirked. "A huge horse. A beautiful horse. I think every breeder would lust after your genes."

Sheppard glared at him. "McKay…"

The physicist suddenly leaned down and captured the pouting lips in a kiss. There was a shock of surprise across their connection, then Sheppard's hands clenched even more tightly into his shirt and his mouth opened up under the gentle pressure.

Closeness. Warmth. Protection. Safety. So much warmth.

The mind link seemed to flare brightly and Rodney heard a whimper that could have been either of them, then he tore himself away from the whirlpool of need and denial. Breathing hard he stared at an equally harshly breathing Colonel.

Sheppard laughed a little, sounding weak. There was an ebbing and gentle flowing of emotions to and from him, and Rodney found himself touching the other man like he had petted and caressed him as an equine.

<Nice> Sheppard whispered.

<You like, hm?>

<A lot>

<You know you don't have to do this, Colonel>

<I had enough time to think about our… situation>

<There is never enough time> Rodney pointed out.

<Part of me trusts you instinctively. Part of me needs you badly>

<And the rest?>

<Wants you>

Rodney had never been shy when something was so willingly offered to him, but John Sheppard wasn't a handsome male Lieutenant in Russia or some very cute one-night stand in a bar in a nameless town in the middle of Siberia. Both men had pleasured him, but no one had touched what this man did. John meant something to him. John shared something.

"We should go back," he only said, stepping away from the warmth that had been with him for so many nights now.

"Rodney…"

<Later. Right now… we need some distance>

<No!>

Again a soothing touch. <There is a briefing in an hour and I have a bunch of scientist-wanna-be's who need some serious ass-kicking> Another caress and John relaxed more. <Later> Rodney repeated.

"Okay," was the soft reply, and it hurt to let go, to walk away, to feel Sheppard's continued presence only in his mind.

* * *

They drifted together after dinner, after movie night, and John sighed contentedly when they slid together on the mattress. Lips sought out his and he couldn't but answer the kiss. It was what he needed, this intimate contact. There were more intimate ways of being together, but this was what both wanted.

<Still itching?> Rodney inquired.

<Not as badly. But it's still there. I want to run.>

<We should go to the mainland. See what happens> McKay decided, taking control of their kissing, pushing Sheppard down.

He had always been in control, even in the past three months, and it was natural now. He didn't lose a thought about how easily John relinquished his own control.

<But no more pain> Sheppard sighed, sounding pleased. <Nice and warm>

Rodney smiled, picking up the soothing pattern once more until the other man was asleep.  He looked at the Colonel for a long, long time, ran a gentle caress through the unruly hair, watched the smoothed-out features, and he kept an eye on their connection.

Sheppard was a sensual being, a sensual man. Whether this was a leftover from the horse, Rodney had no idea. Somehow it wasn't important.

It felt so good, so right, and it should have him running scared, but Rodney wasn't scared. For the first time in his life he knew that this was what he needed and wanted. He didn't know whether it was love or lust or something entirely different. It wasn't solely the machine either, though that had apparently helped along.
Whatever it was, it was good.

Really, really good.

* * *

Waking up was a slow and leisurely process. Feeling wrapped in a warm blanket that seemed to enclose his mind as well, John Sheppard stretched lazily, keeping his eyes closed against the first rays of sun that where creeping through the blinds. There was a warm sensation running through his body, making him sigh in contentment and something else as it centered itself in his groin area, becoming more defined with the second.

Fingers brushed over his belly, teasingly dancing over the dust of hair before they dipped deeper, slipped beneath the waistband of the sweatpants he had been sleeping in. John moaned softly when those knowing fingers closed around him, played him slowly, but far from hesitantly. His hips bucked into the touch involuntarily and his mind chose this moment to give waking up entirely a try. But the warmth was back like a blanket and John whimpered when the action in his nether regions became more urgent.

<Been a while, hm?>

<Oh god, Rodney…>

He rolled halfway onto his back, spreading his legs farther, granting his seducer more access. He was pressed against Rodney’s firm body now, could feel him completely now, and Rodney pushed a knee between his thighs from behind, keeping them apart as he leaned over him. John turned into the touch and then there were lips on his, and he heard someone whimper and then sob and it surely couldn’t be him, could it? But then Rodney stroked and squeezed somehow and he jerked and…

<John!>

…cried out incoherently both mentally and verbally as he exploded and melted at the same time.
 

Warm, moist tissue brushing over his stomach made him blink lazily, taking in his surrounding for real now. Blinds, halfway closed, laptop on a desk, a few cluttered clothes, some of them his… Rodney.

<Morning>

<What was that, Rodney?>

<Oh, it really must have been some time if you have to ask> was the sharp but amused response.

<Damn, Rodney. You know what I mean! Why? Why now?>

<Because I had some time to think, John. And some time to watch you>

<You watched me?>

<Yes. That’s what scientists do for a living, you know? I – experimented>

<With me?>

<No. With this mind link. It can do a lot of things, you know. I got the idea when you said I was ‘broadcasting’. I really was. And so did you. All I had to do was take the time to really look and listen>

<Uh – and that brought this on?>

Sheppard gestured toward himself and Rodney who had slipped into bed again, propped up on one elbow and watched him.

<As a result, yes>

And then there were lips again, claiming him, and hands carding through is hair and a pleasant weight pushing him into the mattress and the warm sensation in his mind was back, and now John associated this with Rodney’s presence. Not that Rodney hadn’t been there before, but this was different, deeper, more – intimate.

<I’ll have you know one thing, Colonel – I’m an exclusive top. Can you live with that?> Rodney whispered in his mind.

<If I can live with… oh god Rodney, just like that… yes!>

And that answered that.

*

"How many?" Rodney asked, enjoying the closeness he had with the nude, warm, very much alive form of John Sheppard in his arms.

One hand was caressing his lover's neck, a thumb rubbing over the short hair he found there. Sheppard was almost purring.

"Huh?"

"How many men have you had before me?"

"It's not nice to ask about past lovers after the first time."

Rodney's brows climbed a little. "It isn't?"

"No."

"Just checking your level of experience."

Sheppard pushed himself up and glowered at him. "I'm experienced enough. How about you?" he demanded.

"Russia can teach you a thing or two."

"Ivan knew some kinky tricks?"

McKay smirked. "You don't know half of it."

"I'm a very willing student, Dr. McKay."

Rodney pulled the other man into a kiss, enjoying how enthusiastically it was returned.

"You had full penetration?" he asked softly when they parted.

"Yes, Mom, I know where everything goes."

<I don't want to hurt you, John> he murmured, kissing him again.

<You won't. And I want to know about Ivan>

Blue eyes lit up with mischief and knowing. "You'll regret this day, Colonel."

<I won't.>

* * *

Things changed for the better from then on. Interaction between Sheppard and McKay was back to what everyone was used to. There were the sarcastic remarks, the snarks, the bitching, the groaning and whining, and the snapping and arguing. Rodney had Ancient doohickeys for their natural ATA carrier to touch, he threw himself into research and work, and he was the bane of every scientist's existence.

Off-world missions were a hit and miss, as usual, and their encounters with Wraith or unfriendly natives were at the normal percentage level.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Aside from spending the nights together.

It was always Rodney's game, his control. John wasn't submissive, but he was the bottom. Rodney didn't dominate in turn. He just led his lover where he wanted him.
Rodney gazed at the sleeping man. He liked watching. He liked the relaxed expression in Sheppard's face, the way he moved languidly when he woke, the way he smiled at him, the way those bedroom eyes seemed to warm even more when they fell on him. And he couldn't get enough of the hoarse voice shouting his name as John came under his expert strokes and ministrations. It was that tension within the hard muscles, the pants and gasps, and finally the keening cry that had Rodney come, too.

<We should have done this a lot sooner> Sheppard murmured and moved languidly, grinning at him.

<You were a horse for the past months, in case you forgot>

<I haven't. And I'm not into bestiality, Rodney>

<Good to know>

John caught his lips, teased them open, and their tongues met leisurely. Rodney moved to blanket the slender form and caressed the warm skin.

<The others are getting suspicious> Sheppard murmured.

<Let them>

<You're not worried>

<I'm always worried, but not about something as inconsequential as that. If they can't handle this, they're not ready for a new galaxy> Rodney muttered in disdain.

Sheppard laughed and had to break the kiss. <Yeah, probably>

<What about you?" Rodney wanted to know.

"I'll follow your lead," his lover whispered.

"Wise man."

Rodney let his hand stray down to the semi-interested arousal, stroking over the length. John moaned a little, already spreading his legs. Rodney let a finger trail down the sensitive skin and teased the most intimate place, smiling as a shudder raced along the mind link. Sheppard pulled up one leg, clearly indicating he wanted this, and Rodney kissed him hungrily, plundering the willing mouth.

Lube was a given in both their rooms and McKay pushed a finger into the tight opening, relishing the groan of need that tore from his lover's lips. A second finger followed quickly, and John bucked into the penetration.

"Rodney…" he groaned. "Now… now!"

No foreplay wanted. The link brought that across quite clearly and Rodney wasn't inclined to fight it.

<Ready?>

<In me! Now!>

And he pushed inside, making Sheppard cry out and push his hips into the contact.

Oh god…

"Please, Rodney, move… move! Hard… need you… please…"

And the link was flooding with emotions. Rodney didn't know where this sudden hunger came from, but he did as his lover wanted, and he moved hard and deep into the tight heat. Each deep penetration had Sheppard groan or gasp, push back, want more, and Rodney felt his last control flutter and finally break.

When he finally came it was to the yell of completion from his Colonel. It was an explosion that left him gasping, and from the way Sheppard was clenching his fingers into his back he knew he would have marks on his back.

<Good god…>

Sheppard moaned weakly as Rodney pulled out, feeling the sting, the soreness, and McKay soothed the shaking man with equally shaking hands. He cleaned them up, then collapsed next to the other man, tired and very, very satisfied.

<What brought that on?>

<I wanted you. Do I need a reason?> Sheppard asked impishly.

A hand rested on Rodney's hip, not going anywhere.

"No foreplay?" McKay quoted.

"Didn't need it."

"I noticed. Vampire."

That got him a lazy smile. "Energizer bunny," was the only reply.

* * *

Outside their encounters on a more private level, nothing much had changed. John still hung out around the lab, looking over Rodney's shoulder, poking at doohickeys, playing with gadgets, driving his lover insane sometimes, and grinning irreverently when McKay got into full snark mode. Rodney himself kept his staff running for their lives with demands, kept track of all the science projects, even the most boring and uninteresting ones, and he regularly chewed the newer staff members a new one.
Breaking them in, he called it. John watched it with amusement. He had to do something similar with new Marines coming aboard the Daedalus, but he didn't rip their heads off right before they even opened their mouths.

It was four months after their return to Atlantis that a kind of normalcy had settled in, at least for their newly defined relationship. Sheppard had no idea whether anyone suspected anything or not. They were discrete and aside from a few looks, they got nothing.

Sheppard wasn't really worried. 'Don't ask don't tell' wasn't a concern. He would openly tell whoever asked that yes, he was in love with Dr. Rodney McKay, and yes, they were sleeping together, but no one asked.

<You would?> Rodney asked one evening as they sat together, watching a movie in their private quarters.

<Yeah. Surprised?>

<Kinda>

<Why? You think I'd hide what we have? I wouldn't hide it if my lover was a woman>

That got him a strange look. <Military and gay don't exactly compliment each other> McKay only said.

<Who I sleep with is my private concern. I don't care who any of my men sleep with, as long as they keep it out of their jobs and don't contract a STD, for which I'd have to rip their heads off. Sexual preference doesn't change us. We're a team, we have to trust each other, and I can name you a handful of people who are either gay or bi and live it>

Rodney frowned. <If we were still closed off and alone in this part of the galaxy, I'd agree, but we aren't>

<So? If this was Earth, I'd still sleep with you>

The blue eyes flashed daggers of ice. <Why, thank you, Colonel. Now I feel so much better>

Sheppard leaned against the sturdier body, smiling impishly. <I hope you are. It was a compliment>

Rodney huffed, but he didn't push the other man away. <So this is all about not bringing up your private issues?>

<Kinda. I don't want to know about anyone's ingrown toe nails, too>

<Being gay is the perfect comparison to that> was the acid reply.

Sheppard gave him a serious look. <Don't you think everyone who initially came here or who comes aboard the Daedalus isn't screened first? Not just a simple screening, but a very deep evaluation into prejudice, psychological problems, stress and pressure points, and so much more>

Rodney grunted. <Yeah, well…>

"No one who comes here failed any of the very tight requirements, Rodney," Sheppard explained. "All SGC Commanders go by this screening process. Whoever was chosen for the expedition, they all knew this might be a one way street. There is no room for fear of being different. If you can't tolerate difference in your own fellow man, how can you deal with aliens? How can you deal with space travel? And it wasn't just the military. The science team underwent the same screening. Even you."

That got him a grimace.

"You came through with flying colors," John added with a smirk.

"So you're saying that your men can tolerate alien encounters as well as a gay commander?"

<I'm saying> John said slowly, <that my men can ignore such matters as long as they don't have to watch us making out in the hallway or have to listen to us humping off-world in some village hut. Private is private. Keep it out of the job, don't let it interfere with a mission, and you'll be left alone>

<Won't I interfere with your job?>

<You're on my team, but you're not my lieutenant or any other rank. You're a fellow team member and happen to be the head geek>

<And you're the head jock. Perfect combination>

Sheppard smirked. <Always told you we make a kick-ass team>

Rodney leaned down and brushed their lips together. "The geek always gets the jock," he murmured.

John chuckled. "I'm one lucky guy."

* * *

Matters were smoothing out more and more every day. John still sought out his lover for the night, but when they were off planet, the need to be there was less prominent. Sheppard could go a night or two without the cuddling and snuggling, and Rodney was relieved that a new independence was reached. He had been afraid that, while it was nice, things would become even more intense. As it was, he had discovered a method to charge his lover's emotional batteries.

For one there was the link between them. It transmitted emotions if either of them concentrated on them for that purpose, so Rodney could calm John down over a distance, almost make him feel a hug or a caress. John had experimented in turn and found he could reciprocate. Then there was making out in deserted corners of Atlantis, which was a regular favorite.

Like right now.

Rodney had his Colonel pushed against the wall, trapped between his arms, and he was kissing him within an inch of his life. Sex was for private quarters, but kissing and heavy necking was another matter.

Sure, there were important matters in the lab awaiting him. There was Zelenka who wanted to run an equation with him, but Rodney had felt the need accumulate and he had taken a break to seek out the other man and supply the much needed touch.

<You're so sensual> he whispered.

Sheppard moaned softly, hands clenching into Rodney's jacket, pulling him close, and McKay nipped harshly at the swollen lips. John was breathing hard, obviously aroused, and Rodney smirked as he caught sight of the hickey his lover had hidden under his uniform jacket today. He pushed the fabric aside and licked over the bright mark, making John shudder.

Intense make-out sessions like these had the effect that both men could go without close contact at night, especially Sheppard, and when they added blowjobs or a quick handjob, it had Sheppard float for days to come. It made interaction and normalcy so much easier. Rodney was a busy man and he couldn't always be there for regular sleep. Sheppard had remarked on his all-nighters and Rodney had brushed him off.

"You stay in your side of the court, I play in mine. Me scientist, you caveman. You shoot the bad guys, I'll think of smart ways to run away."

Working all night or getting little sleep was nothing new and Sheppard was aware of it, but before there hadn't been this connection. So they charged batteries another way, came up with solutions to the feeling of loneliness. John was getting better at handling being by himself and Rodney was getting very talented at figuring out ways to use the mind link to soothe his lover.

"You're easy," Rodney murmured, trailing a path toward one ear, biting its lobe gently.

"And you fall for the neediness every time, Rodney."

He laughed. "As if. I can feel your hunger."

"Apparently equines are sex addicts."

Rodney smirked. "I think I can live with that."

"Was hoping for it."

He released the other man from his trap and pulled him into his arms, savoring the contact.

"Geek meeting," Rodney murmured. "Gotta be there. Head geek, you know."

Sheppard nuzzled his neck. "Very much aware of the geekiness."

"Good." Rodney released him and studied the warm brown eyes. "You good, too?"

John gave him an affectionate smile. "Very. Go and do your stuff, Supergeek. I'll do mine."

"Uh-huh."

Whatever Sheppard did when there was no mission, the Daedalus wasn't parked out front, and everything was for once calm and quiet. Probably play soldier with the other kids.

Rodney went to his meeting, pushing recollections of the very hot encounter aside. He was looking forward to a night spent together again, but with the latest discovery of Ancient data in a remote lab, he knew their relationship had to survive on these make-out sessions for now.

* * *

"I've been thinking."

Sheppard stopped from taking a new bite to eat, eyes flaring with mischief, and Rodney raised a finger.

"Don't. Not a word about thinking and how it hurts."

"Would I ever say something like that?"

"Yes, you would, Colonel."

"You wound me, Rodney."

"Not as much as I'll wound you if you don't stop thinking about saying it!"

Sheppard grinned irreverently, then took the bite he had interrupted.

"You were thinking?" he prompted with a full mouth.

"Oh, disgusting," was Rodney's reply. "Ew. Anyway, about the machine…"

John swallowed, all humor gone from his eyes. "Rodney…"

"No, you listen. We gotta get over that phobia of yours."

"You get yourself turned into a freaking alien horse and we'll talk phobia!" the Colonel snapped.

"As I was saying about the machine," McKay plowed on, glaring at the other man. "Why did it turn you into an alien horse?"

"Huh?"

"Very intelligent reply to a very complex question."

"So give me an easy answer."

"There is none. Only speculation. One," McKay raised his right index finger, "it might be to free the inner animal in you."

Sheppard opened his mouth to argue, but the physicist didn't give him a chance.

"Which is unlikely, considering what you turned out to be. If you had become a horse, sure, why not? But a two-horned horse? Larger than anything that might be a horse on Earth? Not likely."

"There are large horses on Earth."

"With two horns?"

Silence. Rodney smiled triumphantly.

"So it's not the inner you. Two," he raised a second finger, "it might be a life form indigenous to M7B-377, but that brings us to the observation that we didn't run into any kind of larger life form in those three months, let alone a herd of two-horned alien horses."

"They might be extinct. That was a pretty old ruin."

"But the machine worked."

"One more time before it collapsed," Sheppard muttered.

"Yes, we were so lucky," was Rodney's acid addition.

It got him a glare.

"Anyway, three," and the third finger came up, "what if those were always chance transformations? That you happened to become a horse and someone else might have become some kind of dog?"

"Lucky me," Sheppard grumbled.

"Yes, lucky you. Can I say bug?"

Brown eyes flared and the grimace was quite tell-tale. Rodney nodded his agreement.

"I've been going through the Ancient data base and I found some references to that planet. They were deeply hidden underneath all kinds of crap, and so far I'm having a hard time accessing all of them. Looks like the planet was home to some kind of remote lab, like I suspected, but it was abandoned. There hasn't been said a lot about what they were doing there, but I'll keep digging."

"And then what?"

Rodney frowned.

"Rodney, we can't change what happened. Neither of us is going back to that planet and I, for one, don't want to know about the why. I'm too glad to be me again."

"But you can still feel the equine instincts," Rodney argued. "That's not normal."

"I felt Iratus bug instincts, too."

"For a week! Not months!"

"I wasn't that far gone with the conversion process. Carson caught it in time. The horse…" John hesitated. "It was complete. It lasted months."

"You still itch to run."

"I have a handle on it."

Rodney's expression said it all concerning what he thought about that statement.

"So what you're saying," John concluded, daring McKay to make a comment, "is that you have no idea. That's different to how compared to the beginning of this conversation?"

"Science is research," was the haughty reply. "I'm researching. And you're not helping."

<Want me to change back into a freaking big horse to run tests?> John snapped, not even aware that he was silently glaring and using the link.

"Would you?"

"Forget it." Sheppard got to his feet, ignoring the last of his lunch on the lab desk, stalking out of the room.

He almost ran over Zelenka, who shot him a bewildered look.

"You two fight again?" the Czech asked.

"No, we had hot sex on the lab bench!" Rodney shot back, throwing the sandwich into the recycler.

"Ah, I figured." Zelenka picked up some tools and left again, smirking a little.

Rodney muttered an expletive under his breath and went back to his research. All he had wanted to do was keep Sheppard up to date, tell him he was trying to figure out what and why it had happened. Somehow that had come across totally wrong. Well, he sighed inwardly, for now theoretical research would have to do.
 

When there was a soft tug at the link Rodney didn’t even realize how much time had already passed.

<Six hours, Rodney. Doing something exciting?>

<More or less. What is it?>

There was barely concealed excitement.

<The Daedalus is back. Guess what they brought us?>

<A whole new box of DVDs, real coffee...>

<Thank god!>

<Knew you’d like. And I have a surprise for you>

<Surprise? What is it?>

 <The nature of surprises is to surprise, Rodney. Come to your quarters and take a look>

*

“John… this is… what is this?”

“A piano? Well, not really a piano, because for some reason I just couldn’t convince Caldwell to bring one here. Something about necessity and storage space and all. This is the next best thing.”

“It’s a keyboard.”

“Yes. And you can make it sound like a piano. Steinway even. I know you can play.”

“I haven’t played in ages. My teacher said…“

“Rodney, it’s not important what your teacher said. I play guitar, and I’m certainly not stage material. But I know one thing about music – you have to feel it to be real good. To play with soul you need to have a little experience in life, and no twelve year old should have that. You like?”

He pointed toward the flexible keyboard, the latest technological development in the field of musical instruments.

“I’m not sure.”

<Try it?>

<John, I haven’t played in ages>

<Please?>

Rodney sighed. And stretched his fingers. John Sheppard begging was his undoing every time.

And when the first keys danced through the room he closed his eyes and solely concentrated on the music.

And totally missed John smiling very, very softly.
 
* * *

John Sheppard was becoming bothered.

Well, not ‘bothered’ bothered. He had been a little more observant concerning his recently increased love-life. He loved being with Rodney, more than that, because Rodney had turned out to be a very considerate lover. He knew how to touch and caress him like no one he had ever done before and the mind link they shared certainly helped. It was nearly impossible for John to keep any walls upright when Rodney went down on him, playing him like an instrument; exchanging sweet almost-there caresses with harder grips just enough to rattle John even more. Rodney had kissed every inch of his body, and god, if that wouldn’t be enough to make him melt, he knew exactly how to drive him wild all over again when he would slowly push into him while holding him down gently, moving inside him, all the time stroking and kissing him until he was about to scream. And only then he would grant him completion, following him with a choked sobbing sound.

And boy, John usually ended up a sated boneless heap on the mattress, finding himself within Rodney’s arms and loving it.

But Rodney would not let John touch him.

He would kiss, oh yes, and lots of that. He would allow John to run his hands over his body, but whenever John wanted to reach down and stroke Rodney or tease his chest, fingering a nipple, he would find his arms taken and pinned gently over his head, and then Rodney would kiss him again and he would find himself responding to the touch and the images and words and sensations in his mind and he would forget everything else.

He loved it. It was the most satisfying thing he had had in a long time. And he loved Rodney. Therefore he wanted to seduce Rodney, wanted to make it good for him as well. When they were together, Rodney came each and every time, too, and each and every time he looked as satisfied as John felt. And though John was absolutely okay with the fact Rodney wanted to top exclusively he wanted to see his lover, just once, losing himself in the sensation like he himself did every time. Just once.

So John was becoming bothered.

And started thinking.

And grinned.

*

It wasn’t all that hard to set his plan into action. All he had to do was wait for the right moment. Which occurred only a few days later.

They had fallen asleep, cuddled together, Rodney holding John, and he had to admit it felt wonderful, safe and warm. Waking up early had its advantage, too, John decided, turning and watching Rodney in the semi-light that fell through the blinds into the room, indicating it wasn’t even day yet. John reached out for his lover, both physically and mentally, sensing Rodney being close to waking up.

Running his hand over the naked chest and abdomen, he took his time, concentrating on how the slight dust of hair felt under his fingers or how soft the skin was, brushing over a nipple and then dipping deeper under the blanket.

Rodney stirred and sighed, clearly making his way toward the land of the waking now. John couldn’t help the grin when he felt under his hands just how awake Rodney already was, parts of him obviously taking more interest than others.

Blue eyes blinked, and John leaned over, stealing a kiss as his hand did a little more wandering.

<Hey, sleeping beauty>

<John?>

Sheppard snickered. Even the mind-voice sounded sleepy.

<Who else would you expect fondling you in the morning?>

<Uh … >

Not very coherent then. John stroked the tip of Rodney’s hardness and saw blue eyes widening.

<What are you doing?>

<As I said, feeling you up>

John leaned over again, pressing their lips together again and opened the mind-link.

<Oh god … John, what are you …>

<I know you’re a top, Rodney, but I want to let you know how good it is, how good you make me feel. You can feel it this way, too>

<No! John, don’t … >

And then blue eyes glazed over and Rodney moaned as John broadcasted, sent what it was like, how it was for him to feel Rodney inside him. Straddling his lover John ran his hands over his body, taking in the reaction and grinning widely – who would have thought Rodney McKay could make such sounds? He nibbled his way down Rodney’s throat which caused a deep moan, sucked at a nipple and felt Rodney arch almost violently under him, crying out, fingers clenching and unclenching in the sheet. John slid his hand between his lover’s legs and the stream of incoherent words and sounds increased. He slid down Rodney’s body, spread his legs and let the feelings rush through him, too, as he opened the link wider, both sending and receiving, creating a loop of sensations.

Rodney’s eyes snapped open, hands closed around his hips and John hissed at the sudden pain of fingers digging deep into his flesh. Rodney held him almost immobile, thrusting up into him and this time John cried out hoarsely. Each hard shove managed to massage that certain point within him that turned his spine into molten lava and caused him to see stars, and from the way Rodney was arching and thrashing his lover was right with him. And then Rodney screamed and the fingers bit into his hips and John felt the mind-link sing with the power of his lover’s climax – which shoved him right over the edge, too.

 
<Holy cow, Rodney! Didn’t know you had it in you>

John groaned, rolling away from his lover, wondering if Rodney felt as boneless and sated as he himself. It had been – well, unexpected, but great. He would be a bit sore and – yes, make that definitely sore.

<Rodney?>

There was no response whatsoever.

“Rodney?”

Blue eyes gazed emptily at him and now John was officially worried.

“Rodney, what’s wrong?”

 “What did I do?”

“What do you mean, what did you do? You let go, for the first time I think, and it was …what?”

Rodney’s eyes had wandered down his body, widening with panic, and he had stretched out his hand.

Placing it on his hip.

Exactly over one of the red hand-shaped bruises that were about to form.

“Oh no… “

“Rodney, what...?”

“Oh no! Nonononono...”

Rodney scrambled back as far as he could, slipping out of bed and reaching for his clothes, all the time muttering something under his breath. John knew this behavior – panic attack about to happen. What he didn’t get, not even over the link, was why.

“Rodney, what the hell is wrong?!”

“I’m sorry, I did… I shouldn’t have…” He pointed toward the bruises and finally John got it.

“Yes, you should have. You lost it a bit there, okay, but it was good. I wanted you to.”

“I… you… What?!”

"I wanted you to let go. I made you.”

Rodney stared at him as if he had just sprouted a new head and proclaimed his undying love for a Wraith.

"You… you made me? You… oh my god you used the link!"

Sheppard nodded slowly.

Rodney was still staring at him, eyes impossibly wide, then his face locked up. There was this coldness and John felt the abrupt wall rise between them.

<Rodney?!>

"You manipulated me, you bastard!" McKay spat. "You used the mind link to… to… you controlled me! You made me do this! You… you have no idea… you did this to me!”

His voice had risen with every sentence and by now there was an almost hysteric quality to it.

"Rodney…" Sheppard rose, but was stopped by McKay's abrupt gesture.

"Don't. Don't come a step closer," the physicist said coldly. "Leave me alone. Stay... away!"

"Rodney, listen!"

"I'm done listening! Good-bye, Colonel!"

And with that he was out the door.

John sank onto the bed, not even aware that he was trembling. His mind felt empty and the wall was like a cold, sleek barrier that mocked him.

What had he done? Why had Rodney reacted so badly to having some really great, albeit a little rough, sex? He had lost control, sure, but Rodney had given up control so many times and it was always pleasure and satisfaction.

One hand touched the red imprint of Rodney's hand on his hip. He knew his lover was gentle, caring, attentive, that he had never hurt him, but this was just… superficial. It wasn't like he had forced himself on Sheppard, had really taken him by force. Sheppard had surrendered and it had been incredible.

So why?

John took a shower and dressed slowly, then left his quarters. He walked the city, lost in thought, now and then turning toward the link, but it was closed off. A pissed off Rodney managed quite some walls and Sheppard wasn't inclined to seek him out immediately.

He would give this time.

Then they would talk.

* * *

For the next three days everything declined more or less at the same speed. Rodney refused to talk to Sheppard and Sheppard was pouring himself into work as a response. There were painful shields up on both sides, both men reacting from anger and stubbornness. Sheppard went on off-world missions to planets they had already visited, accompanying science teams or some of his Marines as they secured a trade transport. Each time he stepped through the Stargate, it was as if an already painfully stretched thin line was stretched even further until he ran around with a permanent headache. Each thought hurt, each movement was hell, and the moment he came back, seeing Rodney up on the control floor, their eyes locking, he wanted nothing more than to hold him.

But Rodney refused. There was this icy distance, blue eyes reflecting pain and anger and betrayal.

Sheppard had regular training sessions with Teyla and Ronon, concentrating only on his moves, on his instincts, and he ignored the aching connection between him and Rodney.
 

Rodney himself had been almost like on automatic as well. It normally didn't take him too long to reach a breakdown, but this time there was a delayed reaction. He tried to stave off the inevitable by plunging into research, running tests and translating Ancient data into something that made sense.

Still, it happened. Probably because of Sheppard's long absences through the Gate travel. Every time John walked through the event horizon, Rodney felt this stabbing sensation in his mind, felt the headache flare, and he crawled into his lab in agony. He had spent one mission curled up on his bed, whimpering in pain, until he had finally taken a heavy dose of painkillers. They had dulled all sensation and he had managed to at least function, but it had been hell.

On day four, after another sleepless night that had actually not been a night at all, everything broke down. That night had been a few hours caught after an all-nighter, tossing and turning. When he had felt the brittle walls of his last line of defense give way, Rodney knew this would be bad.

He manipulated me.

It ran through Rodney's mind as he stumbled through his quarters, everything starting to collapse around him.

He used the link. He influenced me. He made me do things.

He started to tremble. Sheppard had used something private, something that made him, Rodney McKay, vulnerable, and he had abused Rodney's trust!

I lost control. He manipulated me. I lost control. I raped him.

A soft, keening sound left his lips at the last thought. He had forced himself onto the other man. He had abused John's trust in return. He had lost control of himself and he had forced Sheppard to have sex with him.

The bruises. Glaring red. Sheppard couldn't claim they didn't hurt. They had to have hurt like hell when Rodney had gripped him, and now…

I raped him. I took him by force. I…

He trusted me!

Like on M7B-377. Sheppard had depended on him. He had been alone and frightened and it had been Rodney's task to keep everything together. He had been the one in control, too. He had never lost it. He had stayed there, with John, all the way.

Lost it now. Hurt him. Abused him. He manipulated me. I hurt him. I raped him. He abused my trust, but I abused his body.

Rodney stumbled a few more steps, then sank down the wall, the tremors by now harder.

The past was catching up to him at light speed. The stress of the past months had finally found a moment to tear down his walls and he was unable to fight it. The physical reaction was only the starting point as Rodney McKay started to break down in what he would have described in a fantastic manner of total breakdown-ness.
The shields on John's side would make sure that the other man didn't get a single whiff of what was happening. It was all Rodney thought of before he gave himself up to the emotional meltdown in his mind.

Don't let him know. Hurt him enough.

* * *

Rodney had no idea how long he had sat in a corner of his quarters, knees drawn up, arms curled around them, staring at nothing. He knew he had cried. He knew he had screamed before. He knew that if he was a more physical person he would have wrecked his things.

As it was, he came around, out of the dark hole he had fallen into, to the sun setting before his windows. He blinked, feeling the dried tears on his skin, his lids, and he sniffled a little.

Shakily he managed to get up, his legs weak, like jelly, and aching all over. He felt drained, wrung out, and the tremors were fine shivers now. How he made it out of his quarters, down the hallway and through the corridors was a mystery to him. There weren't many people around. Had to be dinner time. The few he met didn't really give him a close enough look or just figured that Dr. McKay was pulling a new record in non-stop work, the way he probably looked.

As Rodney entered med bay, his eyes tracked almost frantically around the room until they fell on Beckett. His friend was sitting at his desk, working on something or other.

"Carson?" he asked. "Uh…. You got a moment?"

He sounded bad. It was what had Beckett turn around immediately and get up. Worry lined his face.

"Rodney? What happened to you?"

Rodney shook his head, one hand weakly waving the doctor away. "Can we talk privately?"

Beckett's eyes narrowed a little, then he nodded. "My office?"

"You got any alcohol in there? Scotch?"

"Rodney…"

"Not for me. You. You'll need it," Rodney said tiredly.

"What's going on?"

"Office," was all the physicist said and staggered toward the secluded area which had, thankfully, a locked door.

Carson followed and at Rodney's pointed look, he locked the door and got out a bottle of Scotch with two glasses. He filled them both.

"So, what is it?" Carson wanted to know. "You look like death warmed over. And that's a compliment."

"Something happened on M7B-377. In the time I was trapped playing wilderness adventure scouts with Sheppard."

The other man frowned, but he kept his silence.

"Carson, what I'm going to tell you… it's confidential. Doctor-patient confidential. You can't run to Elizabeth with it," Rodney added, voice dead-serious.

"Rodney, you know I won't reveal any medical problems to even Dr. Weir if it doesn't compromise the security of Atlantis."

Rodney sighed. "I'm not sure how you categorize this. I'm afraid you might just do that running bit. But please… I need your promise."

"Rodney…"

"Sheppard won't tell anyone and I need to talk to someone other than him," McKay implored. "A friend. Not a doctor or the head physician of the expedition. Carson…?"

The Scot took a deep breath, then sighed. There was a clear turmoil in his eyes and he didn't really want to give that promise, but finally he nodded.

"I'll be here as a friend. Nothing you tell me leaves this room." Beckett looked thoughtful all of a sudden. "Is this about you and Colonel Sheppard… being.. together?"

Rodney paled slightly, then spluttered, "W-what? No! No, it isn't about that!"

"Good, because other than giving you the sound advice to be careful, use protection, and ask you about your condition, I wouldn't know what to do."

Rodney glared at him. "It isn't about that! It's…" He stopped, not sure how to start. "There are a few facts missing from the report Sheppard and I gave," he finally said. At Carson's expression he added, "Personal things. You see, the Colonel turned into a horse…"

*

Carson Beckett knew that Scotch had been a very good idea as he listened to his friend explain what hadn't been in the report. His mind was going at the speed of light, whirling and twisting and grinding to sudden halts whenever a new fact was added. He stared at Rodney as the other man explained more or less calmly and in order what had occurred. He was fascinated by the instinctual behavior of the alien horse, how Sheppard communicated by using a kind of telepathic bond, and how Rodney had reacted to the changed man.

McKay himself was mostly matter-of-fact, but emotions bled into some moments and Carson smiled to himself. The emotions were clear and he marveled how clear-headed his sometimes rather scared friend had been in such an intense situation.

"So you are sleeping together," was the first thing he said after Rodney had finished.

It got him an incredulous look. "I'm telling you about some mind-boggling transformation of our military commander on an alien world, and you comment on my love life?!" he exclaimed, voice rising.

"Do you think it's connected?"

"Do I think…? Carson, I've been looking at his ass ever since I first saw him in Antarctica! Seeing his naked horse ass is not what triggered what happened later!"

Carson chuckled. "Probably not. So, does he hear you right now? Can he listen in on us?"

"No. I told you, I shut him out," Rodney snarled. "He manipulated me!"

"Sounds to me like you never told him about your hypersensitivity. The Colonel experimented with your connection, which I must add, I think is relevant to the security of Atlantis."

He gave Rodney a pointed look. McKay glared.

"Rodney, I think you should tell Elizabeth."

"I told you. In confidence. As a friend."

"Because you need my advice?"

Shoulder dropped a little and blue eyes evaded his look. Eloquent hands moved weakly. "Kinda."

"I'm not a psychologist."

"Neither is Elizabeth," McKay snapped.

"No. No, she isn't. True. Have you considered Kate?"

Blue eyes gave him a scathing look. "I've consulted her for a great many of my nightmares and I talk to her about them. But I can hardly tell her about something like that!"

"She has every security clearance needed, Rodney."

"I don't care about security!"

"You care about John and what this means?" Carson smiled faintly.

Rodney sputtered something.

"Do you love him, Rodney?"

Rodney's head snapped up and he glared once more. "What?"

"I asked if you love him."

"I… I think so."

"But you never told him about the hypersensitivity," Beckett changed the topic.

"It never came up! You think I hop into bed and outline my medical file to whoever I meet!?"

"No, I think you spent three months getting to know Colonel John Sheppard, having him depend on you mentally as well as physically, and you have regular sex with him."

The glare intensified.

"What angers you more?" Beckett asked. "Him experimenting with the connection you have or you losing control?"

Rodney sat silently on the bed, arms crossed, chewing his lower lip. "He betrayed my trust," he finally growled.

"He only tried out something new. You used the connection to soothe him when the animal instinct was too much for him to handle on his own. You did the same, without asking him, without his consent."

"So not helping!"

Beckett smiled. "It's about control. You lost it."

"Of course I lost it! And I hurt him!" He groaned softly. "I hurt him, Carson."

"Rodney, who is John Sheppard?"

"What?"

"Who is he?"

"What are you talking about, Carson?"

"He's a Lieutenant Colonel of the United States Airforce. He is a trained military officer. He ran black ops in Afghanistan. He has run countless missions off-world. He knows how to take down an enemy, Rodney," Carson brought his point home. "Without using a gun. Don't you think he could have pushed you off if he had wanted to?"

"I lost control!" Rodney cried. "I held him down! I left my prints on his hips!" He held up both hands. "I'm not some weakling! I left bruises! I know I did! I lost total control and I raped him!"

"No," Carson said quietly.

"What do you call it then?"

"I doubt you could rape him, Rodney. Even if you held his hips, he is close combat trained. He is stronger than you, even if he weighs less."

Rodney frowned, still furious. "You want to tell me he liked it? He's into pain?!"

"No. I think you both got lost in the throes of passion."

"It wasn't passion!"

"Did you ask him?"

Rodney shut down all of a sudden and turned away.

"You walked away," Carson translated the silence. "It won't help, Rodney. You need to talk to him and looking at Colonel Sheppard's behavior in the last five days – five days exactly between your sexual intercourse and today – he's one very hurting being."

"He's not weak," McKay growled.

"Aye, but the instinct you told me about… Rodney, that connection between you runs deep. You can hurt him more severely by shutting him out than by talking about what happened." Beckett sighed. "I don't want to see him run himself into the ground."

"He's fine!"

Carson sighed loudly. "Right." He rose and grabbed Rodney by one arm, pulling him out the door.

"Hey, careful there!" McKay protested. "I bruise!"

Realizing his words, he clamped his mouth shut and hissed an expletive.

Carson ignored him and simply dragged the stubborn individual of a friend toward the mess hall. It wasn't very busy, but there were enough people. One of them happened to be Sheppard, staring at an almost full tray.

"See that? It's been like this for at least four days. Make it five if he reacted immediately to your stone-walling him."

Rodney's eyes were on the listlessly eating Sheppard, who just now pushed the full tray away, looking disgusted at the mere sight of food.

"The human body doesn't lose weight in pounds within five days, but it's not healthy. Without enough nutritional intake, the system starts using up fat storage. Hunger makes you weaker, makes you slower, and if he runs into a hostile force like this, you know he won't be able to react quickly enough," the doctor said matter-of-factly.

"Talk to him, Rodney. Explain. Tell him the truth and for god's sake stop cutting him off. You need each other."

Beckett gave the other man a little push.

"Talk," he repeated.
 

Rodney walked over to the table almost on automatic. The dark tousled head rose and brown eyes, looking shuttered and withdrawn, met his own.

"Uh, hey," Rodney mumbled.

"What do you want, McKay?"

Sheppard rose and carried the tray to the recycling bin. He threw all food inside and Rodney sighed a little. What a waste.

"I… I want to talk," he said softly.

"Not interested."

<I need to talk to you!>

He knew John heard him because there was quite a prominent wince.

<Please! I know I made a mistake, but if you won't listen, I can't explain!>

Sheppard walked on and Rodney growled to himself.

"Stubborn son-of-a-bitch!" he snarled and hurried after the Colonel, who was heading for a transporter.

Rodney started to jog and just about caught up with the man when he entered the alcove. Without thinking Rodney reached past him and touched a remote part of the city.

"What the fuck are you doing, McKay?" Sheppard hissed.

"We talk! Now!"

"Because you say so?"

"Yes, exactly. Because I say so, Colonel Butthead!"

"Oh, very nice of you, McKay. You run out on me and now you're calling me names!"

"I didn't run out on you!"

"Then what would you call it?" Sheppard demanded.

"I… I needed to think."

"Five days? And with walls?!"

Rodney bit his lip. "I'm sorry about the walls."

"Yeah, well, save it! I can live quite comfortably without you in my head."

"Stop deluding yourself! You can't!"

Sheppard's eyes flashed dangerously. "I'm not dependent on you! This isn't M7B-377 any more! Nor am I that weak to crawl into your bed every night because of that freakish bond!"

"Of course not! You just destroy yourself by starving your body to death until not even a Wraith would touch you!"

Sheppard clenched his hands into fists and started to stalk toward the transporter. Rodney stopped him by blocking his way.

"Listen to me!" he pleaded.

"Why?"

"Because… I need to explain something to you… tell you something…"

"About how you like rough sex?"

He winced and walls flared defensively. "It wasn't by choice! It was you doing that… that mind link manipulation."

"I wanted you to let go, McKay! I wanted to give you pleasure!"

"But I can't let go!" Rodney cried. "That's the whole damn problem! I can't let go because then I lose it! You felt what happened!"

"What?" Sheppard blinked in confusion.

"I hurt you because I lost control!"

"You call a little rough sex losing control?" John clarified.

"It wasn't just rough! I held you down! I raped you, goddamnit!"

"It wasn't rape," John shot back.

"I took you by force."

"Hey, whoa, back up there! You were already having sex with me, then you lost it. You didn't force yourself on me. You just got… a little wild."
Rodney shook his head, hands fluttering angrily. "No! This was… total loss of control! I was overwhelmed. I was swamped. I didn't even know I was doing this to you…!"

Sheppard's frown deepened. "You didn't do anything to me, Rodney. You and I had wild sex. I wanted you to finally let go, so I gave you a little pleasure through the bond, let you feel what I felt with you inside me. I wanted you to know how great it is for me."

"But you can't do that, Colonel!" Rodney exclaimed. "You can't… I can't… It's why I'm the top. I can't lose control. I…" He paced, then stopped an exhaled loudly. "I need to be in control of myself. Not my bed partners. I need to set the pace and call the shots."
Sheppard watched him and Rodney felt his confusion over the reawakening connection. His walls had dropped and he felt his lover with him.

<Rodney?>

"I thought you had read my file," he said tiredly.

"I did."

"But not my medical file."

"Uh, no."

"Maybe you should have."

<Why?>

"Because… John, I'm hypersensitive. Simply put, I feel… twice as much. I lose control if the sensations get too much."

There. It was out, And Rodney felt relieved and tired and full of dread in one.

John stared at him, dumbfound, then repeated, "Hypersensitive?"

"I thought you had read my file!" Rodney accused.

"As I told you: not the medical one."

"It might have helped!" Rodney shot back.

"Yeah, well, so sue me!"

They looked at one another and Rodney sensed the need in Sheppard to understand, as well as the need for closeness.

"Tell me," Sheppard begged.

"Hypersensitivity means I'm excessively sensitive to tactile stimuli or sensations. When I touch something, I feel it about twice as much as you would. As a kid it would make my skin crawl, almost literally. Clothes felt wrong. Too… itchy. It scratched me raw. Then there were certain kinds of food… it drove me nuts. Not that I didn’t like the food, I just couldn’t stand the texture of it. I was reacting to something normal in a way that looked like allergies. I learned to tolerate handshakes and hugs and pats on the back, like I learned to tolerate the sensation of certain food or how the clothes felt."

"You… tolerate hugs?" Sheppard echoed, sounding shocked.

"No! Not like you think. It's…" Rodney sighed. "It's complicated. Hypersensitive people need to adjust their sensory intake to the multitude of sensations they get. I can hug you and it feels really good. You can run your hands over my skin and I won't go through the roof. It's just the more… intimate ways… of, uhm, sex."

<Penetration> John murmured.

<Yes, for example. It's hard enough for me to keep it together when I'm inside you. It's so overwhelming and the link… it adds to things. I can do it, I really enjoy it, but when you projected… I lost it. I never wanted to hurt you, John. Never! Believe me… it's… I just black out… I get lost in the stimulation…>

Sheppard stared at him, then smiled slowly. "Wow…" he murmured. “And here I thought I was that good."

McKay gave a wry chuckle. "Don't think you aren't. It was amazing, but…"

"No buts. It was amazing and you didn't hurt me." Sheppard came closer, tentatively reaching out. "I'm fine. And I still want to touch you."

Rodney drew a shuddering breath. "You can touch me. Just like before."

"I'd like to be able to do more."

"John…"

"I want to try," Sheppard murmured.

"We can talk about this later. And with Carson. He knows."

That got him a frown. "The medical thingy?"

"Uh, yes. And… the rest."

John drew away, eyes flashing. "You told Beckett!"

Rodney sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Yes, I told Carson. I had no choice. You were being… I mean… I felt betrayed!" he finally snapped. "You used the link and I lost it and he knows about my medical condition! So, yes, damnit, I needed someone to talk to and I told him! Go and make something out of it!"

Sheppard looked at him, eyes and face unreadable. "He'll have to tell Elizabeth."

"No, he doesn't have to. I asked him to keep this between the two of us. He promised. I trust him."

"It's vital information. Elizabeth has to know."

Blue eyes sparked. "So go and tell her."

"What?"

"You just said it's vital information. You tell her."

Sheppard looked dumbstruck, then he shook his head. "No!"

"Make up your mind, Colonel! First you say she has to know, now she doesn't. What is it?" Rodney demanded.

John slumped back against the wall, staring at the ceiling. "Everyone will know."

"So? Everyone knows about your stroll into the world of life-sucking insects! Deal with it!" McKay snapped. "You've had a lot worse!"

"You want to add the mind link and us sleeping together, too?" Sheppard shot back.

"Sure, why not? We can sell home videos! What's wrong with you, Colonel? This is about an alien machine turning you into an alien horse! Everything else can stay under wraps. Hell, if Elizabeth agrees we'll keep this among the staff. You, me, Carson, her."

"Caldwell, the SGC, the IOC…"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "There are a lot of bodies buried here and not all have been unearthed by those sticklers for bureaucracy."

Sheppard was silent, still staring at the ceiling.

"John, what bothers you about this?" Rodney asked, voice suddenly softer.

"I… I don't know. It's like an instinct. Don't tell anyone. As if it makes me vulnerable. Being this… equine… having been this equine," he corrected himself, "doesn't
change anything about me."

"Can I say mind link?"

That got Rodney a grimace.

"As for the horse thing… you were left with instincts, John. And cravings. I'm not saying sex, but this itch to run."

Sheppard sank down the wall and sighed softly, shaking his head. "I don't want to end up as some kind of lab specimen," he whispered.

"You haven't so far," Rodney simply said. "And a lot of things happened to any number of us. I had Cadman in my brain!"

"Yeah. Still…"

"This is the alien creature in you. It's the horse. You want to protect yourself and its instincts let you act irrationally."

Sheppard glared at him. Rodney just crossed his arms in front of his chest. Finally the Colonel thumped his head against the wall with a dull thud.

"We tell her," he murmured. "If I get deported back to Earth, hell, it's your fault."

"You won't and it isn't. If you go, I go. I doubt this mind link can survive the distance. Looking at how a few days keeping each other out puts stress on us…" Rodney walked over to where Sheppard sat and held out a hand. "Come on."

"Elizabeth?"

He nodded. "Let's get this behind us before either of us freaks. I'm close enough to the abyss of freakdom as it is."

Sheppard got to his feet and pulled his lover into a kiss. "I'll join you there."

"Nuh-uh, no way. My abyss. Get your own."

John chuckled and briefly rested his head against Rodney's. "This'll be hell."

"No, hell was M7B-377. Or being trapped in a Hive ship. Or dealing with super-Wraith. Or blowing up a solar system. This is a piece of cake."

"Comparing it to that… yeah." John stepped back, smiling. "So, let's face the abyss."

* * *

Elizabeth Weir stared at the military leader of their expedition, as well as their lead scientist. Both men looked perfectly reasonable, not a flicker of insanity in their eyes, and a huge part of Weir reminded her that she should have expected something strange. This was Pegasus. Atlantis. Another galaxy. Too many strange things had happened and Sheppard turning into a huge horse was… actually not really so surprising.

"It was an Ancient machine?" she asked again.

Rodney nodded. "Definitely. And after going through all my collected data, I suspect the malfunction of the Stargate is connected to the machine's brief reactivation. It blocked incoming calls and I'm not sure how often we could have dialed out before the whole Gate gave up on us."

"And you have a telepathic link," Elizabeth stated.

It was the most mind-boggling of all. Not the link. Stranger things had happened. But between whom it had developed.

"Not telepathic. It's like… a transmission of emotions and thoughts that are directed at the other. I can't read the Colonel's mind, for which I'm very glad, and he can't read mine."

"So thankful for it," Sheppard muttered.

It got him an evil look.

"You refrained from including that into your reports why?" Weir wanted to know, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Uh…" Sheppard looked a bit sheepish. "I… I'm not sure. I just…"

"Left-over instinct from his time as an alien horse," Rodney threw in. "He's been displaying all kinds of reflective behavior from those months we spent on this hell hole."

"Like?"

John looked extremely unwell all of a sudden, but Rodney didn't seem to mind or even notice.

"Craving for dry oats and cereals."

Weir did notice the sudden relief in Sheppard's eyes, just before he gave her a smile. Rodney was covering, but she wondered for what. Her eyes narrowed and she fixed her military commander with a stern look.

"It's personal."

"As personal as your transformation?" she asked.

"Yes. Kinda."

"He and Rodney are an item," Carson supplied helpfully.

Both Rodney and John shot him evil looks.

"You are?"

"Yes, yes, we are. Can we get back to keeping this under wraps now?" Rodney hurried on, hands moving quickly. "Just file it under 'freaky things'."

"That's a very big file."

"Including me sharing my brain with Cadman, you meeting your old self, people traveling in time, us dying and still surviving, and so on!" Rodney went on. "It's nothing special!"

"You two share a connection."

"It won't compromise our off world missions," John insisted. "Nor will it influence us here. We've been back for months!"

And she remembered the tension between the two men in the beginning. Whether this had anything to do with their connection Elizabeth didn't know.

"Have you told Teyla and Ronon?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"They're on a need-to-know basis, and they don't need to know."

"I differ with that opinion, Colonel. They are on your team."

"And the whole horse transformation thingy is behind us. This won't influence me in any way."

"Uh," Rodney could be heard. "Mind link?" he threw in.

It got him an evil look. "They don't need to know."

"They do if you get shot and I break down screaming!" Rodney snapped. "This isn't just some fun kid stuff! This is an emotional connection and you leak!"

Carson gave them a funny look, but he thankfully refrained from asking medical questions – for now.

"We'll deal with it when it happens."

"Well, hopefully it won't happen at all, but it's your bullet wound and my sanity!"
 

Sheppard felt a surge of anger. <Rodney!>

Irate blue eyes met his. <What?! It's the truth! We don't have any way to stop this from happening. I felt your pain when you twisted your foot! I felt the transformation. I felt Ronon beating you up!>

John was startled for a moment, then murmured <Sorry. I didn't realize…>

"I would like to run some tests," Carson finally threw in and John groaned.

Rodney shuddered.

"Listen, Doc…" Sheppard began.

Elizabeth cut him off. "You know it's mandatory. We did it after the Iratus bug almost killed you, or when you changed into one."

"Yes, but this isn't… it's personal!" John protested.

"I will agree to this under the condition that Carson knows about your physical condition, as well as the mental connection," she told them sternly. "This is an asset, for all of us, but it can also be a weakness. We can't go back to M7B-377 and look at the machine that did this, so we have to know all we can about possible drawbacks."

John sighed heavily, protest still in his eyes. "Okay, okay," he ground out.

Elizabeth gave him a calm smile. "Thank you, Colonel Sheppard."

Sheppard just flashed her a look that spoke of his disagreement, but he didn't comment any more.

* * *

They lay in bed together, John snuggled up to his lover, and he ran one hand gently over Rodney's skin. He kept the link wide open, alert for any kind of sudden spurt of arousal. He didn't want to arouse Rodney. He just wanted to touch him, feel his presence, be reassured. It wasn't the alien creature inside him, that intense instinct to be with his partner. It was just a very human reaction to a harrying few days.

<I'm here> Rodney projected.

<I know. Sorry>

Rodney frowned. <About?>

<Manipulating you> Sheppard answered softly. He was still chewing on that. It wouldn't leave him alone.

<You didn't know>

<Now I do. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that>

<No, you shouldn't, but you did>

John pushed himself up and looked into the relaxed face, smiling. He traced a finger through the faint dusting of hair. Rodney shivered a little.

"This okay?"

"Yes."

"Not too much?"

"John, I learned to tolerate touch at a very young age. It's not like every single touch drives me up the walls. It's more like… the more intense the sensation is, the more violent my reactions are."

<I wouldn't call what we did violent> John purred. <It was fun>

"I took you by force!"

John pushed his lover down as Rodney struggled to sit up. "No. You let go. It was surprising, it left bruises, but it wasn't bad. It wasn't rape, Rodney."

The physicist shuddered a little.

"And I want to… I want you to feel what I do, Rodney. I don't want to be on the receiving end with no way to return what you give me."

"I get my pleasure out of this, too!"

"Yes, but it can be so good. Can't you…" John stopped. "I mean, you learned to tolerate touches, caresses… Could you… learn this?"

Rodney stared at him as if he had lost his mind. "W-what?" he stuttered. "You want to train me?!"

"No! No, Rodney, no," John protested. "I just… want you to feel this…"

"I feel it, John. Too intensely – which is why I lose it!"

"But if we started out small…"

"How small?"

He smiled, projecting some images that made Rodney shiver.

<Stop!> he rasped.

John did, looking sheepish. <Sorry> He didn't sound like it all.

Sheppard went back to caressing Rodney, listening to the soft hum of their mind-link.

He wouldn't let Rodney go, no matter what. The last months had changed him, had made him aware of something he had missed for so long and finally found. His whole training went against these feelings, but it had no chance when it came to instinctive reaction. Rodney meant a lot to him. More than a one night stand. One than a fling. More than just a lover. There was something deeper and the fear of that was receding.

This was it. No matter what. They were in this together and even if John had to give up the Airforce, he knew they would find a place.

* * *

It had taken Rodney two days of very intense thinking, then he had made up his mind. He had gone to talk to Kate Heightmeyer. Not about alien horses, shape changing or mind links. This was about something else, about something a lot more... normal. Then again, Kate had dealt with him and Cadman, in his body, as well. She was used to weird.

So when he mentioned the mind link between him and John, throughout their third session, she didn't so much as twitch. Her eyes showed interest and Rodney knew this would be confidential, but that was about it.

They talked. Well, he talked. About his condition, what it had meant for him as a child, a teenager, a young man, throughout college, university and later for his whole life. She asked about John, about his feelings for the other man, and he mentioned his thoughts of rape.

Talking helped.

Talking about something that Sheppard had told him he didn't consider a rape. Talking about what had happened, how he had lost control, how he had broken down.

In a way it was relief.

In a way it gave him the distance to look at it all from a new angle and understand why John had been so insistent not to attach 'rape' to something that had started out as consensual sex.

Sheppard himself didn't mention anything about these talks, kept walls up when Rodney asked him to when he was with Kate. John himself had seen Heightmeyer on two occasions and she had suggested for the two of them to come in together, but so far Rodney didn't want that.

They had gone through a lot, had inflicted pain on the other without knowing, and something told Rodney that whatever had started this connection, it was still developing between them.

*

John looked with something akin to awe at the nude body stretched out on the bed in front of him. After Rodney had told him about his ‘condition’ John had decided he needed some getting used to more intensive tactical sensation. Rodney had grimaced, reminded him of puberty, bitched about being trained like a puppy - and agreed. Even Heightmeyer had agreed that it might be a way to get used to these sensations. Rodney wanted this, he wanted to feel what he had without losing it, and he wanted John to be the one with him.

Which had led to lots of snuggling into each other, stroking and caressing, gentle and slow and experimenting with the link.

It was a learning process and it was as slow as it was pleasurable. John experimented carefully with the link, with touching his lover, and whenever Rodney lost it, he used the connection to bring him back. That wasn't pleasurable exactly since it was effectively a mood killer. But over the weeks it became less and less frequent.
John had found out that he could influence Rodney through it, increasing or decreasing sensations for his lover, sending emotions and pictures and sometimes even real sensation. The latter had been a coincidence, pure and simple, when John had wished for a good-night kiss while being on duty and Rodney had sent him one. The sudden tingling of his lips had made John jump, startling Teyla and Ronon who happened to be with him at the moment.

But they never had tried real intimacy, not after the last time when Rodney had lost it. John could hold his lover in check with the link but he suspected he wouldn’t be able to do that while being a little gone himself. So it would need work, and as such, training.

And that was what they were here for now. Lightly scented oil – thank you, Teyla – candles, the sound of the waves through the partially open windows, all creating a wonderful, relaxing atmosphere.

John bent over his lover’s back, sliding their bodies together and felt Rodney shudder minutely under him.

“Remember, Rodney, everything for you. If it’s too much, just say the word, but I wouldn’t mind if you don’t.”

“Are you being deliberately cruel, Colonel?” Rodney muttered into the pillow, suppressing another small tremble.

“Of course, doctor. I fully intend to torment you into screaming tonight – preferably my name, but ‘oh god yes’ or ‘please’ will do for the moment.”

And whatever Rodney would have wanted to answer it was turned into a low moan when John nibbled at his neck.
John grinned, noticing how Rodney slightly arched into him, and he felt the link between them hum. Retreating a bit he took the vial with the warm oil, pouring some on his hands.

“Ready?”

“Hm.”

He started at Rodney’s shoulders, gliding over his upper arms, opening the link wide to be able to read every change in his lover’s mood. Rodney purred, stretching like a large lazy cat, following his every move, up and down his body, the sides, backside, legs. When he started the second round, Rodney’s breath had become a little more ragged, and he had become tense.

“Too much?” John asked softly. It was a learning process for him, too, for he had to learn how to read Rodney, what to do when to make it good for the both of them.

“Not yet,” Rodney sighed, and John continued, stroking the form backside again. Following an impulse, he dipped a slick finger between Rodney’s legs and was rewarded with a low moan. Monitoring his reaction closely John pulled back his finger slowly, letting it slide between the firm buttocks, brushing over Rodney’s most sensitive areas. Rodney’s breath hitched and he groaned deeply, spreading his legs further.

<More?>

<oh yes …>

<Inside?>

There was no verbal answer as Rodney pushed against him – and who was he to deny his lover anything? Slicking his finger up again he carefully placed it against Rodney, leaning over his lover to make him feel his entire body glide against him, before he cautiously pushed.

Rodney mewled, pushing back, before he rolled onto his side and lifted a leg, begging for more wordlessly. John slid his arm around his lover, holding him, while he massaged carefully, listening intently to every moan and whimper Rodney gave. The link thrummed with Rodney’s arousal – and his own – but he tried not to send it back. Rodney was panting and trembling, eyes closed and John could tell he was concentrating. And then he cried out, clenching the sheets.

< … John, stop …>

It wasn’t much more than a mental whimper but he immediately stopped every movement, giving Rodney time to get back to his senses.

<Stretch me>

<What?>

<I want you to stretch me, John. Want you in me>

John swallowed, becoming very still.

<I know. It’s not that I haven’t done that before. It’s just that I lost it. I trust you>

Oh god …

<Are you sure?>

<Hey, genius here. I’m always sure>

John couldn’t suppress the chuckle at that typical McKay answer.

He reached for the oil.
 

In the end Rodney did scream his name.