”We found that a minimum of three hours between feeding sessions is crucial to ensure the body has sufficient time to recover from the trauma. That’s the time you have to decide. Three hours.”

Rodney stood frozen, unable to believe what he had just witnessed. Around him, the others were in uproar. Elizabeth was shouting orders, was turning to their Genii guest, ordering a meeting, but to Rodney, everything seemed to be nothing but a dream.

He hadn’t been in contact with John from the moment he had been captured by the Genii, had only felt John’s presence like a hum in the background. And now he had learned it was Kolya – why did it have to be him of all people? – who held his lover hostage. It had terrified him beyond belief to learn that fact and to feel the sledgehammer that was John shutting down the Bond completely. There hadn’t been a single flicker ever since and Rodney felt the already stretched Bond fraying further.

He was suddenly very, very cold inside.

“Rodney?”

The soft voice jolted him out of his thoughts and he blinked at Carson. Beckett had somehow appeared in front of him and he looked rather worried.

“I’m fine,” Rodney only said dismissively. His eyes found Elizabeth and Ladon Radim heading for the conference room, followed by Teyla and Ronon. “Conference, right!”

Beckett grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Rodney,” he repeated, voice stern.

“I’m fine, Carson. Really,” he tried to brush off the concern.

“What about the connection?”

The cold place. The aching void. Rodney shivered a little.

“Blocked,” he only answered, then tore out of the light grasp and followed Elizabeth.

Work. Think about how to get John out of there. Occupy your mind. Just don’t linger on the emptiness.

Beckett followed, frowning, but he didn’t ask again. McKay was glad for it because if his friend continued his poking Rodney knew he would break.

And he couldn’t. He had to survive this somehow to be able to help John.

* * *

“All right people, let’s do this one by the numbers – we get in, we get our man, we get out. Stay sharp and stay alive.”

For a moment he wondered why everyone was staring at him in disbelief. Even Ronon’s eyebrows had risen almost dramatically.

“*What* are you on about?” Beckett asked, baffled.

And then it hit him. Rodney felt a brief moment of embarrassment, then a bit of melancholy.

Don’t let anyone tell you a mind-link to a Colonel doesn’t change you, he mused.

“Oh, just things that Sheppard would say, so I thought I would, um...” He trailed off, unable to put into words what he felt.

No one could understand. No one felt what he did. Even if people knew – and they actually did – that he and John were an item, they had no inkling as to how deep this went. Aside from a chosen few, that was. Carson was among them and his expression was suddenly so very knowing. Rodney felt like decking him for it for no good reason.

“Well said, Rodney.”

Teyla’s words and her warm expression startled him a little, but it also reassured Rodney in a way he hadn’t thought possible. Maybe Sheppard had bled off in military matters, and maybe Rodney had given his lover a new insight into science, but none of those people, with the exception of Carson Beckett, could understand the reasons for his behavior.

None knew about the coldness inside him.

They were worried friends.

He was a Bonded. Rodney knew what it meant, not just because he experienced it daily, but also because of the files Dr. Nathan Jackson had left with Carson before the Chimera had gone home. This was deep and it was complex and it was very, very vital for Rodney. Just like it was vital for John.

“Just stay behind me,” Ronon growled.

“Aye,” Carson agreed with another look at the physicist.

Ronon took lead and Teyla, Carson and the marines followed him into the Gate.

“Right!” Rodney said, bracing himself for what was on the other side.

He looked up to the Control Room balcony where Elizabeth was standing and looking down at him. Her eyes reflected worry and like Carson she knew what was at stake for Rodney. Not everything. No, she didn’t know everything. She knew enough, though.

“Just bring him back,” was all she said.

He would. Rodney gave her a thumbs-up, then followed everyone else into the Gate.

* * *

It had been a total disasters. Not only had they been on the wrong planet or in the wrong place on that planet, Rodney had lost it and shot at a mouse. Or rat. Or whatever that thing had been. He hadn’t looked too closely at the result. He had made light of the event, but it had been effectively nerves. Not just any nerves, but the pressure he felt from the silent, empty place in his very soul. Rodney had been ready to kill Kolya with his bare hands should the man really be here, and he had no doubt in his mind that he would really do it.

No one did this to John and got away with it. So Kolya was a trained military officer and probably a lot better suited in hand-to-hand combat, but Rodney, despite the fact that he held no illusions about him winning, would have at least broken a few bones.
But there had been no Kolya, no Wraith, no John. There had been the freaky alien critter – which was now dead – and a few Genii soldiers.

They had returned, Rodney feeling shaky on the inside, and Elizabeth had turned to their Genii ally for explanations.

And then Kolya had called again.

Rodney could only stare at the hated face of a man he despised with everything he had.
 
 

“I can only conclude you doubt my serenity,” Kolya said smoothly.

Rodney clenched his fist into his side, watching helplessly and with growing horror as the starved Wraith reached for his partner again. He hadn’t witnessed the second time, and seeing Sheppard like that – more than just a little gray streaking the dark hair, wrinkles in his face – he had at least lost twenty years, and was about to lose even more, maybe even his life.

Sheppard bucked in his restraints, head rolling back and eyes squeezed shut against the pain, and Rodney couldn’t help it.

//John! God, please!//

He crashed against a steel wall. Again.

//NO! Please! Let me in! Let me help! Please, please, please!!//

How the other man managed to uphold the barrier was far beyond him. All he wanted was to scream, yell, hit something very, very hard, preferably Kolya’s face with a gun barrel.

And all the time he could only keep his eyes riveted to the screen, watch the horror unfold, feel nothing but the emptiness inside.

Rodney was close to throwing up when the Wraith suddenly pulled back. John looked dazed, weak, exhausted, and Rodney longed to be there for him, even if only over the Bond.

//John…?// he asked weakly.

There was, as not otherwise expected, no reply.

“Who told you to stop?” Kolya demanded.

“He is near death. Shall I finish him?” the Wraith rasped, the hand still so close to Sheppard.

Something inside Rodney clenched painfully at the hoarse voice of the hated creature.

No, oh god, please… Stop… stop this… please…

Dull brown eyes were exhaustedly searching for the camera, making a connection though John couldn’t see him.

//John?//

No response. Of course not. Whatever Sheppard was doing to uphold the shields, it was by now set in concrete.

“Get it out of here.”

The Wraith was pulled away and John sagged into himself.

“Now it’s two hours,” Kolya told Weir and the connection was terminated.

Rodney felt like turning into a gibbering wreck on the floor. His knees were weak, his head was pounding, and there was this dizziness that wanted to turn into a full-blown nausea.

He swallowed hard.

He couldn’t lose it. No one would understand. Carson maybe. And Elizabeth, but not the others. Lovers or not, Rodney couldn’t give in the extreme reactions he wanted to have.

“If he’s fed upon again he’s as good as dead,” Carson said quietly.

“We don’t know that!” he argued.

No, don’t say that. Please don’t say that.

“Aye. Rodney, we do. He may already be past the point of no return.”

And the sick feeling was back. There was this roar in Rodney’s ears, this aching cold in his soul, and he didn’t know whether to laugh crazily or scream in despair.

Carson was telling them more, something about dying anyway even when only partially be fed upon, but Rodney didn’t really hear any of it anymore. He had to swallow hard to avoid breaking down and crying.

John was possibly dying. Decades had already been drained out of his system. Rodney didn’t care what his lover looked like. He just wanted to feel him again, that warmth and strength that was John Sheppard. He wanted to feel his presence and just cuddle up and forget this nightmare.

But he couldn’t.

This wasn’t over.

Maybe it had only just begun.

* * *

It was hard to overlook the desperation in Rodney McKay’s eyes. It was a desperation and a fear reflected in many of her friend’s eyes, but with Rodney it had a slant of difference to it. There was something deeper, much more emotional, and very, very terrified.

Throughout the horrifying hours of John Sheppard’s torture at the hand of the Wraith, Teyla suffered with her friend and team leader, but she also saw a much deeper pain in Rodney. Of course she knew of the partnership between them. She had seen the fledgling bond of being more than mere friends long before and she hadn’t been surprised when the two men had indeed grown into physical partners as well. Nothing had changed because of it and she was happy that most people accepted it without problems.

Ronon had remarked briefly on it, and she had challenged him on his tolerance of a relationship between two men. There were so many different cultures out there and all had different values and rules and expectations of their people. Earth seemed to be torn between accepting same-sex relationships and shunning them, downright hunting those involved with one of their own gender down like rabid animals. Teyla had been raised to accept and embrace all new things and she saw nothing vile in the connection.

Neither did Ronon, who had only smiled briefly at her protective nature, then shrugged and gone off to a practice round with the Marines.

Teyla had never seen this deeper side to Rodney, had never seen him this vulnerable, so desperate, feeling a pain that went beyond that of a lover.

This was more.

And she continued to watch as she prayed for the safe return of Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard.
 

* * *

“None of us are saying what we’re all thinking here.”

“No, Rodney, we’re not.”

Rodney realized just now he had said it out loud, the forlorn feeling inside him growing with every second that passed by.

He could no longer feel John’s presence.
 
 

Rodney woke and blinked into the twilight of the room. He was alone, in Sheppard’s quarters, in their shared bed. It was empty and cold, just like Rodney was feeling, and not even the beauty of the moonlight playing over the sheets was any consolation.

John was back, safe and sound and even a bit younger and healthier looking than before. Finding John had been like… like a drop of water for a thirsty man. He had looked at the slender form, so filled with life, not a gray hair in sight, not a wrinkle on his handsome features, and for a moment the world had stopped for Rodney McKay. He had barely been aware of the Wraith, and if asked, he couldn’t really recall what had happened next.

When Sheppard had walked back into the Jumper after they had dropped off the Wraith on another planet to find his kind there, Rodney had slowly come out of his stupor. He must have reacted like always because no one gave him strange looks, but then again, they were all gaping at Sheppard.

John had hugged Rodney for a brief second before they had come home, but it wasn’t enough. The shell-shocky feeling was still there and it was only growing.

Rodney ached. Something inside him was still cold and freezing and he felt his hands starting to shake. His lover had had to spend the night in the infirmary where Carson was running an insane amount of tests. No one had ever come back from a feeding like John had experienced. No one had ever been given the ‘gift of life’ from a Wraith.

And from John’s screams he had heard clear across the forest, it had been just as painful as the feeding.

Rodney wanted to know, wanted to talk to his lover, but he couldn’t.

John hadn’t opened the Bond again. Well, yes, he had, he could feel him, as clear as before, vibrating in the back of his mind, but he hadn’t opened it. They couldn’t talk, or snuggle, or touch in this non-physical but still so incredibly real way.

But he was back.

John was back to being the leading military officer of Atlantis, back to writing his reports and to debriefings. Rodney had been in one of those debriefings and he had listened to the story once more. Elizabeth had been compassionate, had asked questions, had told John she was glad he was back, and then Carson had swiped him away because of tests.

Rodney hated tests.

Still, after a shower, a shave and some food he didn’t really taste, he was on his way to the infirmary. In his mind he was leaning as close to John as he could, maybe catch at least a little flicker of his presence, but aside from knowing that he was there, there was nothing.

“Ah, Rodney,” was the greeting he was given by Carson. “I need to talk to you.”

A cold knot of dread formed in his stomach. “Why? Is something wrong? Is he okay?” he blurted.

Beckett looked a bit surprised, then shook his head. “Everything’s fine, Rodney, don’t worry. Colonel Sheppard is in perfect health.”

“Then what…?”

Carson closed the door to the isolation chamber behind him. John was there. Healthy and whole and looking his handsome self. Rodney’s eyes were drawn to the slender form, drinking in his presence. Sheppard gave him this quirky little smile, but there was no reaction over the Bond.

Rodney felt like screaming.

Beckett gestured at him to sit, but Rodney remained stubbornly standing. The doctor gave him an exasperated look.

“Like I said, the Colonel is in perfect health. There is nothing amiss. All is as it should be, right down to his ability to shape-change.”

Rodney gaped. “You.. you… here?!”

“For a brief moment.”

Sheppard shrugged and Rodney could only groan. If someone had walked in…

“Dr. O’Rourke made sure we weren’t disturbed,” Carson explained calmly. “As I said, everything’s perfectly all right. A few facts won’t be in this report.”

“Like?” Rodney heard himself ask.

“Like the real reason Colonel Sheppard managed to survive for so long.”

Survived. Not dead. John had made it. He had been drained and then restored. Again Rodney’s mind was on this downward spiral and he longed to just feel a soft pulse from John.

No such luck.

“What reason, Doc?” Sheppard could be heard.

Rodney wanted to move over, stand next to him, maybe touch one hand, a finger, anything. As it was, he was rooted to the spot.

“You said the Wraith told you you’re stronger than any human he ever fed upon?”

Rodney felt cold. Sheppard just nodded.

“And that’s what I can’t tell anyone. Because you are different from any other human, Colonel. What makes you different also makes you stronger.”

John frowned, obviously not getting it, but something in Rodney tightened even more. “The Kiowata,” he murmured.

“Aye. Whatever the machine on M7B-377 changed in you, something not even medical science can truly pinpoint, it gave you an endurance that kept you alive throughout the feeding.

Sheppard stared. His mouth opened, then snapped shut again, and he cast a helpless look at Rodney. McKay just shrugged. It was all he could do to keep himself from launching himself at John in a very embarrassing way.

“He… he felt that?” Sheppard now stuttered.

“I’m not sure the Wraith actually felt the difference that openly, but it realized there was something different. Maybe it will attribute it to a difference in heritage. You are a natural gene carrier, Colonel.”

“But it doesn’t have anything to do with the gene!”

“No, not really.”

“So you’re keeping this out of the report?” Rodney asked, dragging his mind away from the memory of the dying shell his lover had been.

“I can tell Elizabeth, but I can’t let the SGC know, right?” Beckett simply asked.

“No,” Sheppard agreed with a sigh.

“As for everything else, you’re in perfect health, Colonel,” the doctor went on. “I want you to take it easy for a day or two, come back if there are any ill effects, but otherwise you’re as good as new.”

Sheppard smiled brightly and slid off the table. “Cool. I’ll…”

He was interrupted by Elizabeth calling him over the com system. He acknowledged and sighed, shooting Rodney an apologetic look.

“The next session of questions and answers,” he said. “I take it Caldwell has arrived.” That last was stated with a grimace.

“Like I said, take it easy. If you feel anything…” Beckett repeated.

“I’ll come to you.”

“And you need to see Kate.”

There was a moment, just a brief second, where Sheppard looked like he wanted to protest, but then he nodded.

“Okay, I’ll make an appointment.”

And with that he was out the door. Rodney wanted to curl up and cry, but all he did was school his features and brush past Carson as well. His lab was waiting, he had a few projects to examine, and then there was Kavanagh’s request to make some time to run a few things by him. Yes, it would be a busy day and he would make sure he didn’t have time to think about anything else.

And who was he kidding anyway? The Bond was cold and empty, and it was there whether he thought about it or not.

Rodney squelched the misery and just prepared himself to brave the real world.

* * *

Just like Rodney was losing himself in lab work, annoying not only Zelenka and Kavanagh, but everyone else after a while, too, Sheppard was busy being the head of the military of Atlantis. There had been his talk with Caldwell, which had led to little. Then some more, just for the fun of it. The Colonel was suspicious as of how the Wraith had restored him and why, suspecting there was a nether reason, and Sheppard was ready to kick him in the nether regions the next time he asked. Sure, Caldwell wasn’t as bad as he had once been, but sometimes he was a thorn.

Major Lorne had once or twice told him he would take care of matters, but Sheppard wouldn’t hear of it. He was fit for duty, he wasn’t injured in any way, and he needed this. He really needed to work. He would attend his psych sessions and John had to confess that they helped get a few things into perspective, but deep inside something was still shying away from what had happened to him. He had been killed, he had been brought back, and all because a Wraith had seen him worthy of the ‘gift of life’. It was eating away at him.
 

If either Rodney or John had stopped and reexamined their actions, they would have shaken their heads at what they were doing to themselves and their respective other half. As it was, there were only their friends who could intervene.

*

Dr. Calvin Kavanagh had never been a man to keep his mouth shut in the face of Rodney McKay. Even after what had happened to him, how he and McKay had started to become friends, things hadn’t changed much in that regard. Maybe the arguments were no longer so biting, but they were there. Like Rodney’s arguments with Zelenka.

Now Kavanagh approached the other physicist who was hunched over his laptop. He wasn’t typing or even reading, he was staring off into space.

“Atlantis to McKay.”

That got him a flinch and Kavanagh sighed. Bloodshot blue eyes flared a little as Rodney caught sight of him.

“What did you do wrong this time?” McKay snarled.

Calvin gazed at the haggard looking man. Like many he knew about Rodney’s relationship with Sheppard, more personally and closely than others, and he knew that what had happened to the Colonel had affected McKay. He wouldn’t have thought it to be that bad, though. Sheppard was back, whole and healthy and without any ill effects of the Wraith feeding. McKay should be happy, he thought darkly. His own encounter with a hungry Wraith had left Kavanagh scarred and with five years taken off his life-time.

It was that exactly that went through his mind and he snarled it at Rodney, right into his face, his own pain from months before still not yet healed or close to. Each night when he went to bed he looked at the scars, touched them, and not even Allan’s reassuring caresses could erase the pain he remembered. The horror would forever be with him.

Kavanagh had no idea what Sheppard had felt. For Calvin it had been a brief moment, for Sheppard it had been hours of torture, right to the death, and then the Wraith had brought him back to life.

“For goodness sake, McKay! Get your head out of your mind and get your man already. What the hell else do you want?”

Rodney stared at him as he heard the words spat at him, and he shrunk back for a second, only to stand up and stare at the other scientist in anger.

“You have no idea!” he snarled.

“I know enough!” Kavanagh shot back. “Maybe it didn’t kill me, maybe I wasn’t tortured, but it’s all the same. A minute or a day, there’s no difference! It hurts, McKay. Sheppard hurts!”

“He’s fine!”

It sounded hollow and lame.

“Dream on! You always claim to be a genius, but you’re just as blind as everyone!” Kavanagh accused. “You hide in here, he hides in his office, and you probably sleep in separate beds!”

Rodney winced a little and it was all the confirmation the other man needed.

“Beckett kept him in the infirmary!” the physicist snarked defensively.

“And you didn’t haunt the place to stay with him? McKay, everyone knows you’re an item. The nurses would let it slide.”

“And you were so much better?” Rodney taunted, trying to attack in turn. “You’re just as messed up as all of us!”

Kavanagh smiled coldly. “I never said that. It needed a lot more than a few words to break through my pain, too. But what the fuck are you doing, McKay? You have him back! You’re too stubborn to turn and hide!”

Rodney drew a shuddering breath. “You have no idea at all,” was all he said, a faint tremor in his voice. The blue eyes were suddenly vulnerable and so very open, it took Kavanagh’s breath away. For a second he wanted to touch the other man, draw him into an embrace, but he bit back on that instinct.

McKay shouldered past him, leaving his laptop, leaving the lab, and Kavanagh wondered what was going on – aside from the obvious. There was a pain a lot deeper than nearly losing your lover.

* * *

Rodney had walked the halls and corridors of Atlantis like a ghost. He didn’t know where he had been, where he wanted to go, what he was doing. He was lost in thought, aware of the Bond so close but still so far away, and only the sensation that John was really ‘here’ kept him from running into walls. Very real and physical walls, not the ones in his mind.

When he finally stopped and got his bearings, McKay found he was outside the room John preferred to use for his exercises. Without thinking he walked inside, the doors sliding shut behind him.

Sheppard was there. He had known he would be. Clad in sweat pants and his trademark black t-shirt he looked like he was about to start a round or two of exercises. Now he looked up, surprised, and a smile flitted briefly over his features.

“Hey.”

“John, I need to talk to you.”

“Can’t it wait, Rodney? I have…“

Something inside Rodney cracked and he flung his mind-voice at his lover. //No, for crying out loud! It can’t! Are you avoiding me?//

“Rodney?” John looked puzzled.

“Do you have the slightest idea what… god, John, I can’t stand this any longer… I can’t do it. Not any more. It hurts. And it’s empty. And it… please? Please, let me at least touch you? Just a little?”

“W-what?” Sheppard stuttered.

Much to his own horror Rodney felt his knees give away and he slid sown the wall, shaking from something deep inside him he couldn’t explain or even name. It was a dark ugly pit that had finally burst open after he had vehemently pressed onto its lid for so long. And it burst open with all the coldness and darkness of a black hole, threatening to suck him in just as forcefully. Rodney could feel the last pebbles of the granite walls that had been his self control crumble into nothingness and he reached out to the only thing that could stop the landslide of his mind.

“I couldn’t feel you,” he almost cried. “I thought you were… and I suddenly knew I’d follow you. The Bond… it was so empty…it still is … And I can’t touch you… you’re not there. Never there. Shutting me out. It hurts, John, I need… please? Please, just a little bit…”

And then he did cry.

There was suddenly someone there. Arms wrapped themselves around his shoulders, pulled him close. He leaned against the warm and very real body as John wrapped himself around him, both physically and over the Bond, whispering soothing things he didn’t even understand, didn’t need to understand. Something inside him keened softly and gave, and he clenched his fists into John’s shirt, needing to feel. The Bond flared to life once again, powerful and energetic, and then all Rodney was capable of feeling was John’s presence.

Finally. Alive. Warm.

Not cold.
 

It was how Carson found them after John had placed the call.

* * *

Beckett had given him a mild sedative and kept him in the infirmary. Rodney didn’t have the strength to fight and the simple fact that John was there, too, helped. Beckett had given them the isolation room for the night, his expression worried but compassionate, and Rodney just knew there would be questions. For now they didn’t concern him, though.

John was with him, holding him, touching him, and Rodney was a boneless heap in his lover’s arms. The Bond hummed softly and it felt so right to be here with Sheppard, to be this complete.

//What did you mean with you would follow me, Rodney?//

The voice was soft and gentle, but there was a slight edge of pain to it. And worry. And curiosity.

Rodney inhaled, snuggling closer to the warm body at his side. He didn’t know he had said that out loud, hadn’t even realized it was the truth.

//The Bond was dead, John. Until the moment we were nearing the planet I couldn’t feel you anymore. It was…//

He gasped and shuddered with the memory of that frozen space where John’s warmth had been, once again was, and he felt an answering shudder.

//I didn’t want to live like that. I don’t think I could//

Rodney had never been suicidal a day in his life. He had never thought about death before coming to the Pegasus galaxy, and even here it was a death that came from alien encounters, not because a loved one died. Suicide was the cheap way out of a life he loved. Ever since M7B-377 things had irrevocably changed for him, though. There was another life bound to him in a very real and intimate way. Losing John forever was…

Rodney shuddered again.

No. Don’t think about it. John was back and he was whole and healthy.

//I… understand//

Arms were closing tightly around him and the Bond was whispering between them, embracing them.

//I would do the same//

He wasn’t as shocked as he probably should be. Chris and Ezra had told them so many things about Bonds, it didn’t come as a surprise. Those two had been together for a lot longer than Rodney and John, were even more in synch with each others, and McKay knew that neither could survive long without the other. Physically nothing would change. Mentally… there would be a void nothing and no one could fill ever again.

“Love you,” Sheppard whispered and kissed his temple.

Rodney gave a content mumble, seeking closeness and getting it. His eyes slid shut and all he was aware of was the other presence with him, in his mind, so open and alive.

He drew an incredible strength from that.

Sliding off into sleep, McKay knew they would both have to chew on what had happened for the weeks and even months to come.

* * *

Sheppard hadn’t been aware of what he was doing. Asked about it, he would have denied consciously blocking the connection to Rodney. Now, looking at his sleeping lover, he couldn’t but feel like a world class jerk.

Of course the Bond was still blocked! Good god, what had he been thinking?

Not much, a nasty part of him told him. He hadn’t been thinking at all, just functioning. The nightmare of the Wraith and the feeding and then… dying… yes, he had died. He had been dead and the Wraith had restored him. All that had been on his mind, together with the remembered pain and the loneliness, and the single thought that burned intensely through his mind: keep the connection blocked. Keep Rodney safe.

It had continued even after their return. Despite his need to be with his lover, he had still tried to protect him from the pain and the horror he still felt, and he had effectively destroyed Rodney’s last reserves of strength because of it.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and caressed the sleeping man. “So sorry.”

He had been such an idiot, such an insensitive bastard. Their mind-link was supposed to insure that they couldn’t hurt each other, but he had hurt Rodney. Badly. He had been selfish and he had almost destroyed the other man.

Dozing off, Rodney firmly in his arms, John let his mind drift closer to his lover’s. Even in sleep Rodney felt exhausted and in bad need of comfort. He was inching closer to Sheppard, needy and vulnerable, and John just gathered him protectively closer.

No more. Never again.

* * *

For the first time since John Sheppard’s kidnapping, Rodney woke to the warmth he was used to. Not just the physical side. That was nice and wonderful all by itself. It was the soul-deep presence of another being with him that had him burrow deeper into this warmth, relax into the well-known embrace. There were those faint memories of coldness, of darkness, of pain, but they didn’t really touch him all that deeply any more.

John was there with him.

And it wasn’t a dream.

Dreams were different, not so real, not so persistent.

//Not a dream// a voice confirmed and Rodney smiled.

//Know that. Genius here// he murmured lazily, relishing the pulses of the Bond.

//Thank god one of us is// John replied, sounding guilty. //I know I’m not//

Rodney blinked his eyes open, his view that of a t-shirt clad chest he was using as a pillow, and the morning stubble of the man he loved. There was the trademark hair, the hazel eyes, the very living and breathing warmth of John Sheppard, and all was good in his world.

//’course you’re not// Rodney replied. //Room for only one genius.//

//You//

//Me//

//Okay. Cool//

He pushed himself into a better position to look into the reflective depth of his lover’s eyes, reading the guilt even more.

“Ah, you’re awake.”

Carson’s voice interrupted the moment and Rodney glared at him. The glare only had the effect that Carson was smiling more.

//Let him check you// Sheppard requested, and Rodney only sighed.

Did he even have another choice?

No.

So Rodney endured the check, got the ‘tsk-tsk’ from Carson concerning his level of exhaustion, and both received the stern advice to take it easy. Then came the dreaded question.

“What happened to you?”

//Rodney…//

Rodney felt reluctant to let Carson in on that very personal level of their relationship.

//He won’t believe exhaustion// John argued. //And it was my stupid mistake//

//No!//

“I accidentally blocked him,” Sheppard said before Rodney could argue.

McKay gave him an evil look. Beckett just frowned.

“In what way?” the doctor wanted to know.

“When I was captured, I blocked. I shielded,” John explained, ignoring Rodney’s dark expression. “I kept the shields up all the way… and when it was finally over, I… I kinda didn’t lower them again.”

“But now everything’s oki-doki fine,” Rodney interrupted. “We’re both fine, the shields are gone, so can we go now?”

Beckett’s frown said it all and Rodney rolled his eyes.

“Listen, Doc,” the Colonel added, “it wasn’t intentional. It was an accident. I didn’t realize I was keeping Rodney out. It was just… it was all I did for hours… and I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t let it go. It was a reflex…”

“And we’re fine now,” Rodney insisted.

“You had a breakdown, Rodney. I wouldn’t call that fine,” Carson argued.

“But I am!”

Again the Scot looked at him in that ‘Don’t shit with me’ manner.

//But I am fine!//

//No, you’re better than yesterday// John told him softly. //You will be fine. Not just yet. I hurt you//

//John…//

“We’ll take it slow, Carson, I promise,” Sheppard said sincerely.

“Take a week off. Both of you,” Beckett decided. “Go and fly to the mainland. Unwind. You need it.”

With a last stern look he turned and left them alone again. Rodney just glared at the closed doors.

“He has something there,” Sheppard mused.

“Huh?”

“Mainland. Just the two of us. And there’s this little place O’Rourke told me about. Wanna come?”

He gave Rodney his best ‘hopeful little kid’ expression. McKay rolled his eyes.

“What makes you think I want to go to some odd place where I know Kavanagh had sex with his doctor? Ewww….”

“We could always bring a tent along.”

“No way am I sleeping on the ground!”

“Then O’Rourke’s place it is.” John smiled widely. “I’ll pack our things!”

And he sounded so excited, like a little kid. Rodney had to smile a little, too. He felt something along the connection, the excitement of the Kiowata at the prospect of freedom. This hidden ability had saved John’s life and Rodney would be damned if he restrained him now.

“You do that. I need to talk to Zelenka. I don’t want to come back and find the lab in ruins.”

John leaned forward and kissed him soundly, eyes alight, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Don’t be late!”

With that he was out the door, still radiating excitement, and McKay shook his head. It was infectious and he was actually looking forward to their time alone.

But first things first.

The lab. Zelenka. Then his quarters to see what John had missed in his packing spree. And then… just the two of them.

* * *

Okay, it was a hut. Granted, a nice hut. Big enough for several people to sleep there, if they all shared the main room, which was nothing new in some cultures, and it was really nice for two. Especially with the big bed. Sheppard pulled bedding and stuff out of a locked trunk and Rodney was surprised that it was fresh and clean. They had brought along enough food to last them a while and the moment everything had been stowed away, the bed made, John pulled him outside into the sun.

The ocean wasn’t far away. Actually, it was right around the corner, so to speak. From the porch, Rodney had the perfect few of the beach and the gentle surf lapping against the sand and rocks.

Nice. Yes, it was nice.

A surge of excitement rushed through him and before he had even the time to think it, John was out of his clothes and changing. The large, proud Kiowata whinnied, eyes alight, ears pricked, tail held high in expectation.

//Rodney?// John begged.

“If I ever hear a joke about me riding you, you’re a rug in no time, Sheppard,” he muttered.

But Rodney got onto the broad back – with some difficulty and the help of the porch. His riding skills were increasing, but he rarely initiated the riding sessions himself. It was always John, who insisted he had to learn because if they were ever forced to run like this, Rodney would have to be able to hold on to Sheppard.

The Kiowata started with an easy walk, then quickened his pace into a light canter. Rodney held on to the mane, tried to do the same with the legs, and told himself to relax. John would never throw him and for all his mischievous nature, he wouldn’t endanger his partner by suddenly racing off.

They arrived at the beach and John stopped, nostrils flaring wide. Rodney watched the ocean, felt the sheer love of life radiating off his partner. It was something that happened when the Kiowata was set free. The animal side enjoyed this, wanted this like nothing else, and the human was along for the ride. As was Rodney.

Walking along the waterline, just far enough from the incoming waves that only his hooves got wet, John tossed his head and whinnied.

“You want to run?” Rodney asked with a fine smile.

What he got was a purely emotional response. Rodney had to smile and he knew it was a reflection of John’s emotions. He carefully slid off the huge Kiowata and John nuzzled him. McKay patted the strong neck and received a Kiowata kiss, the velvety snout pushing against his temple.

//Go. Run. I’ll be here// he chuckled.

And John was off, sand and water flying under his hooves. Rodney was still smiling, that silly little smile he knew no one would ever get to see but John.

Maybe one day Rodney could ride with him, in full gallop, enjoy something that came so close to flying.

//In your dreams// he sent when he caught those thoughts.

John replied with a happy laugh, turning to run back until he stood in front of the physicist, not even breathing hard.

Yes, maybe one day. But not today.

John was off again, mane flying, tail snapping in the wind, and Rodney continued down the shoreline, inexplicably happy and content.

* * *

When they had gotten back to their little hideaway, John had been covered in sand, had looked windblown, and there was this complete and utter happiness radiating off him in waves. The mind link was awash with these sensations, totally open, all but the most rudimentary shields down, and Rodney hadn’t even bitched about riding back on a wet and sand-crusted Kiowata. Sheppard’s clothes had suffered from the sand as well, but neither cared.

Sheppard washed off the sand with the fresh water that came out of a cistern. O’Rourke had reassured them that the water was completely clean. He had installed a filter system and there wasn’t really that much pollution in the atmosphere. A few miles inland was also a fresh water lake, but neither Rodney nor John had felt like a swim.

It was after dinner, both of them sitting outside on the porch and enjoying the mild warmth of the evening, that Rodney dared to breach something delicate.

//Will you tell me? I mean, about what happened?// he asked carefully. //Ever?//

Sheppard studied the old wooden porch, the sand, the horizon. //I… I want to forget…//

//Which you aren’t. Which you can’t// Rodney said matter-of-factly.

It got him a glare.

“No, I can’t because people keep looking at me like I’m some kind of freak! I can’t because Beckett keeps poking at me to see if I break apart at the seams! I can’t because… because…” //Because it scares me to death! He chose me as worthy, Rodney! He gave me a gift, he told me!//

//He gave you back to us… to me…//

//But why?!//
Rodney carefully touched one clenched hand and soothingly rubbed his thumb over the tension he felt.

//You must have left some impression//

//He used me//

//He was used, too//

Hazel eyes flared. “Are you defending a Wraith, McKay?”

“No, I’m trying to understand. And it’s just as hard and painful for me.” Rodney drew his lover a little closer, noting the still persevering tension.

//Do you really want to understand?//

The question was whispered quietly after a while, and he hesitated. Did he want to? No. Did he need to? Yes.
 

The brief second he made eye contact with the Wraith was the only warning John had before the claws descended onto his chest again and the agony started again. He could faintly hear the Wraith howl when the life force rushed into him the same way it was drawn from him, and he tasted blood where he was biting his own flesh to prevent himself from both screaming and reaching out for the only thing that could get him through this ordeal, the only thing he mustn’t reach out for at any cost – Rodney.

“Take your fill.”
 

Rodney shuddered as the image flowed across the link and he felt John moan softly. The Colonel sank against him, shaking, and suddenly the Bond was wide open and Rodney was right there, with John, in that underground holding, surrounded by Genii and looking at the Wraith.

It was eerie.

//Why did you shield? It must have taken so much out of you…// he managed.

//I didn’t want you to feel this, Rodney. Never. Couldn’t… It was instinct. And then.. later… I didn’t even know how to stop. I just did it//

John was almost sobbing inwardly with the remembrance and Rodney ran his hands over the slender body huddled next to him, his fingers describing soothing circles on the cool skin. He felt the Kiowata, intermingling with the frightened human. He felt the confusion and the strength and the pain and the determination and the need to protect the mate.

“We don’t even know if it had worked over this distance,” McKay murmured.

“What if?” was John’s painful question. “You’d have felt it all…”

Flashes again, muted by distance and shields, but Rodney winced and almost pulled back. He shuddered again, noticing fine tremors running through the other man’s body, and he just pulled him closer, kissing one temple.
 

“They’re coming.”

And a hand descended upon his chest, taking everything he still had. The pain was there, but he couldn’t even scream any more.
 

Rodney bit his lower lip, trying not to whimper.
 

“Finish it.”

“As I told you, John Sheppard, there are many things about Wraith that you do not know.”
 

And then the pain was there once more, but instead of the cruel ripping and shredding sensation, of taking whatever there was still to take, there was another kind of pain. It seemed to cut him, too, but instead of tearing the wounds open, it mended.

Rodney gasped, felt his lover’s presence strengthen, and there was only life and power and rejuvenation. Blue eyes widened as all that flowed through him with such force, it almost flattened him.

“Oh god…”

That’s what it was like?

John’s lips pressed against his neck, his face burying into the warm skin, and he shivered so badly, Rodney felt worry rise.

//’m okay… just… just… gimme a minute, okay?//

They had all the time they wanted right now. Rodney caressed the dark head with shaky fingers.

“Inside?” he managed.

Sheppard was clutching at his shirt, but he nodded, and though he was a bit unsteady, they made it inside. There was no great finesse in undressing and it was mostly shoes and pants off, then they slipped under the blanket. John plastered himself against McKay and Rodney felt just as needy of this closeness as his partner.

“Show me,” Rodney murmured softly.

“Can’t. I don’t… it’s… it’ll hurt, Rodney.”

//Show me//

Because he needed to know. He was terrified of what he might see, of course. He didn’t want to feel pain or see his lover suffering, but Rodney needed to understand.
 

It was a cell block. Dank and dark and old. There was no light, aside from the few electrical torches, and Rodney wondered how old this thing was.

John walked out of the cell. There were armed guard. As he passed the guard with the rifle, he swung round rapidly and punched him in the face. He grabbed hold of the gun, but as he was trying to wrestle it off him, another guard ran up behind him and jammed a stick into John's back.

Electricity surged through John and he groaned, collapsing to the floor.
 

There was an almost unnoticeable shift in the images. They were still in the cell block, but this was different.
 

John was escorted out of his cell and this time he was weaker than before. Suddenly he threw himself and the guards backwards, slamming them against the bars of the cell. There is more commotion from not far away and it was the Wraith, equally attacking Genii guards.

Sheppard turned to his second guard and elbowed him ferociously several times in the throat. The other guard jumped up from the floor and tried to grab him from behind but John swung around, seized him and slammed his head into the bars of the cell.
 

Rodney watched the battle with awe and fear in one. His lover was a military trained fighter and he knew it, but he had never seen him like this – and he had never considered to what lengths Sheppard would go. Even in his weakened state he was deadly. Swift and deadly, as the next images showed.
 

The Wraith roared in pain as he was hit by bullets from one of the guards. Blood sprayed from his side. John pulled a knife out of the belt of the guard he was holding against the cell bars and flipped it across the room, where it embedded itself into the shooting guard's chest. The man dropped like a stone and the Wraith just turned back to his feeding.

Sheppard looked at the face of the guard he was holding. The man looked rather out of it, but better safe than sorry. He gave him another punch in the face and dropped him. John looked across to the Wraith, which was still feeding.
 

Rodney had to shudder at the image, feeling sick and like he had to throw up. But he had no time for it because the images continued.
 

John left the Wraith to it and bent down to one of the unconscious guards. He took his gun and checked it, nodding to himself.

The Wraith, finally finished with its prey, stood up and began walking over to Sheppard who was getting o his feet. He felt old, weak, but still not like he would just lay down and die. Nervousness raced through him at the sight of the Wraith, now fed and probably strong and fast enough to take him out if he wanted to.

The Wraith stopped not far away and waited. It took Sheppard a moment to realize that there would be no attack, and surprise flittered through him. Maybe it was just temporary, but he would take what he got. So he threw his current ally the keys and the Wraith unlocked the shackles around his wrists and ankles.

Sheppard took the radio and another gun from the unconscious guards. He looked at the Wraith again, neither speaking a single word, and those inhuman eyes held his for a very long second. Finally John stepped forward and held out the second gun to the creature.

The Wraith took it.

“Which way” Sheppard asked.

“This way.”

And they moved out of the cell block, John placing enough trust in his temp ally to lead him to safety and not into the arms of the Genii again.
 

Rodney felt shaky, still deeply anchored in John’s mind, and he sensed a mirrored unease in his lover’s presence. Reliving all of this was painful to say the least, and it was emotionally draining. They hadn’t even gotten to the part where the Wraith had effectively almost killed him, and Rodney didn’t really want to relive that at all.

Suddenly the images stopped, tapering off with the flight of human and Wraith out of the building, killing whoever got in the way, and Rodney bit his lower lip at what John had done to survive. Many had died, almost ruthlessly in some cases, but there was also this understanding of predator and prey. Sheppard had fought to survive and whoever had gotten in his way had been taken down or out.

Hazel eyes regarded Rodney warily and he leaned over, capturing the soft lips, feeling the stubble of the day scrape against his skin.

//I know what I got myself into// he said lightly, though the weight of these memories was still there.

//You didn’t. You and I… this connection… neither of us was asked and you have no idea… what I am… can be…//

//So I’ll get to know you a little more every day. I’m not all sunshine either//

John smirked. //That I know//

Rodney grimaced, but he it soon turned into a smile when John snuggled close again.

//It’s pretty cool to be able to share like this// he murmured after a while.

//Yeah, well, depends on the contents//

John sighed softly.

//But I asked. I want to know. I… need to know. I almost lost you and it was bad. Really, really bad…//

Yes, it had been even worse than really bad. John agreed to that.

//John?// Rodney whispered after a while, //I know how this might sound coming from me, but … promise me something?//

//What, Rodney?//

//Let’s not… let’s never do such idiocy again. In the name of science let’s try a more empirical approach//

//What do you mean?//

//Talk, John. We’re Bonded, for crying out loud, and still not able to talk to each other? I don’t expect you to express your undying love and all, but … don’t ever do that again//

The Bond hummed.

//Okay. Talk. I can do talking. Promise//

It was slow and quiet, but Rodney knew John had understood.

Something else trickled across the connection and Rodney curiously opened up again. He expected more of the Wraith, but instead he got the moment John saw him and the others, the relief and happiness, and exhaustion and need to rest.

//Do I really look younger?// he teased.

Rodney snorted. //Stress reaction. You look just like before. Aside from, well, the scars and all. They’re gone, you know//

//I noticed. And Beckett thinks all my systems were jumpstarted, regenerated, without any kinds of errors or faults//

Rodney blinked, surprised. He hadn’t read that anywhere.

//You’re perfect? Well, yes, you are. Never doubted that. You were always perfect//

John shut up the mind-voice with a kiss and Rodney sighed a little.

“Cheap shot,” he grumbled.

“Worked. And yes, I’m medically in perfect health.” A yawn escaped him and Rodney raised an eyebrow.

Sheppard just smiled and closed his eyes, settling in for the night. Rodney did the same, his Colonel plastered next to him, and he soon drifted off to the sounds of the ocean and the soft snores of his lover.
 

There was the whisper of a nightmare throughout the early morning hours, but it was fuzzy at best, nothing real, and Sheppard quieted easily enough once more. Rodney kept up his soothing caress until he fell asleep himself, too.

* * *

Rodney’s hands slid over John’s chest, through the dark hair, over perked nipples, the finger pads seeking and finding no scars. He was straddling his lover, looking into the dark eyes, feeling the undisguised and unblocked presence with him. So close. So wonderfully close. So warm and alive and there.

And no scars.

Nothing to show of what had happened.

Still caressing the chest, he wondered about the science behind what the Wraith had done. He wanted to know how it had worked, just like Carson wanted to know. There wasn’t a mark on Sheppard from the repeated feeding, and Rodney knew what Kavanagh had looked like. Those scars were still there and rather prominent. Even the faint marks on John’s neck where the Iratus bug had fed on him had disappeared like magic.

“Rodney,” his lover murmured and ran his hands up Rodney’s arms as far as he could. “You think too much.”

Yes, they always accused him of it, McKay mused. He leaned forward and captured John’s lips in a kiss that turned from almost chaste to loving to deep to hungry. He felt the rousing hardness from where he was straddling Sheppard, and his own need was quite obvious, too. One of John’s hands was suddenly under his shirt and doing wonderful things. Rodney shivered a little.

The hazel eyes were alight with a spark of mischief and Rodney shuddered again as something trickled over the Bond.

“John…”

“Shhhh… won’t hurt you… trust me…” came the throaty reply and his lips were captured again.

John did that swift maneuver Rodney had never been able to grasp or employ himself, and which had him on his back and Sheppard on top. His shirt was pushed up, exposing his abdomen and chest, and when John had it over his head, he just left it bunched around Rodney’s arms, trapping them.

//Bondage, Colonel?// he asked, amused.

//Nothing could keep you down// came the reply, accompanied by a hand straying over the prominent bulge.

Rodney bit his lower lip, pushing up into the teasing hand. But Sheppard didn’t do anything else down south, simply contented himself with kissing and tonguing his lover’s nipples. Rodney fought against the t-shirt that trapped him, crying out softly as a particularly sensitive spot was exploited. He was getting a regular feedback through the link and it told him just how turned on John was, how hot he thought this was, how much he needed this to be under his control.

//John…// he begged, needing to be freed of the constraining pants.

Burning eyes met his and Rodney shivered. Finally Sheppard took pity and unzipped the pants. Rodney gave a sigh of relief, which transformed into a garbled cry as John took him swiftly into his mouth.

Oh. Dear. God.

Rodney knew he was overloading and fast. John was there, in his mind, soothing and filtering the sensation, and Rodney couldn’t describe the sensation of what his lover was doing to him. It was too much, it wasn’t enough, he needed more, he wanted it to stop, he was going crazy…

And then release him, climax approaching like a runaway train, and he knew he was crying John’s name, was bucking up, was trying to get deeper and pull away in one, and then there was only the gentle pumping motion of his lover’s hand as he rode though the last shivers. His hands were free and they blindly reached for the slender form, and there were lips on his, kissing him, soothing him, and he felt like a limp weight.

Rodney fumbled for John’s erection, but a hand caught his questing one.

//John?//

//All done// came the rough reply.

Rodney blinked, then smiled sleepily as he caught the wave of shared climax, of satisfaction, of coming together.

//And here I thought you were the touchy-feely type// he murmured.

//How can I resist you?//

//Hm. Yes. How could you ever before?//

It got him a kiss and John tried to disentangle himself to get a towel. It was a little uncoordinated and Rodney took great pleasure in watching his half-dressed lover stumble toward the bathroom. He himself didn’t look better or felt much more coordinated. When Sheppard returned he was completely naked and Rodney drank in the sight.

Good god, the man looked simply edible. Tousled hair, bedroom eyes, that lazy smile, that satisfaction radiating off him. Rodney felt himself twitch as John cleaned him up and helped remove the pants and underwear.

“Round two already?” the colonel teased.

Rodney pulled him close, devouring the smirking lips, and his hand encountered a semi-interested stirring between his lover’s legs. Much as he wanted to bury himself in the relaxed, ready and very willing body, he needed a breather. He doubted he could get it up so soon.

John snuggled into him, humming his pleasure. Rodney pulled the blanket over them, content, hands stroking and caressing the smooth warmth of the other man. He was like an addict who couldn’t get enough, despite the fact that he was too exhausted to do anything.

A week of this, he thought muzzily. Yeah, he could get used to that.

* * *

The smirk on Kavanagh’s face couldn’t be missed. When Rodney entered the lab, feeling rather all right with the world and everything around him, he sent a dark look into the direction of the other physicist. One of the other scientists quickly sidled out of the lab and McKay wondered what was going on. He hadn’t heard anything of a major screw up and he didn’t believe, if there was really one, that Kavanagh was involved. The man had had a complete turn-around and their interaction was on a normal level at work, and rather friendly outside it. As John had once remarked, O’Rourke was good for Kavanagh.

“I see you’re back,” the auburn-haired man now said almost casually.

“Astute power of observation.” Rodney powered up his laptop.

“And you even got to see the outside, judging by the tan. I would have thought Sheppard hasn’t let you out of bed for a minute.”

Rodney turned, glaring. “One,” he said coldly, ”it’s none of your business. Two, it’s definitely none of your business. And third, why is that the image of the military top dog persists?”

Kavanagh blinked, then he started to chuckle, blue eyes sparkling. “I didn’t take you as an exclusive top, McKay.”

Rodney was close to strangling the man. “Keep your nose out of my private life, Kavanagh. I’m not snooping around in yours.”

The physicist shrugged. “You were quite happy to use Allan’s hut.”

“That’s got nothing to do with it!”

“Now every time I’m there I have your image in my mind.”

That did it. Rodney snarled and pinned Kavanagh with a pointed finger stabbing at his chest.

“You little… This has nothing to do with you or your doctor friend. I wasn’t asked! Your guy came up with the idea, so shut your mouth about it! You want me to disinfect the whole thing? Fine! I’ll burn it to the ground!”

“Geez, McKay,” Kavanagh muttered, shaking his head. “Touchy much?”

Rodney inhaled shakily, feeling Sheppard’s quizzical touch.

Pale blue eyes regarded him with a serious expression. Kavanagh didn’t say anything, but his expression changed.

“You two all right?” he finally asked.

Rodney gave him another dark look. “None of your business.”

“It is. Everyone was worried. Sheppard…” He stopped, a pained look in his eyes. “I know what he felt, Rodney. I know what it did to me, the nightmares I had, and for me it was a few seconds.”

McKay turned away, bustling around the laptop. “We’re fine,” he said dismissively.

Silence. Then, “Okay. Sorry about before. I didn’t mean it the way it might have come across. If you two want to use the cottage again…”

“We’re fine.”

More silence. Finally Kavanagh turned back to his work and Rodney stared at the Desktop on his laptop.

//Rodney?// John inquired carefully.

//I’m okay. Really//

//Just tearing Kavanagh’s head off over some teasing//

He sighed. //Yeah. Don’t know why. I think I’m still a little edgy, aftereffect of sorts. I’ll manage. Just… need some time.//

Sheppard sent a hug and then retreated, leaving him to his work.
 
 

Hours passed by, both men working in silence, cross-checking their work. Kavanagh was still in the experimental stage of his theory about oscillating black holes and Rodney sometimes remarked on something or other. McKay himself was going through the log files of the past week, his email, and his own stuff.

It was when Sheppard appeared, carrying three mugs of coffee, that he finally took a break, and the surprise in Kavanagh’s eyes was priceless.

It was a peace offering from the other party involved.

The coffee was taken with a thankful nod.

Rodney just frowned, more a scowl really, but he took his own mug and turned back to the project.

Sheppard remained a while longer, leaning against the table, watching, playing with a few doo-dads, but Rodney finally had enough and shooed him out of the lab.

Kavanagh hid a smile.

“What?!” McKay demanded.

“You are so married.”

Rodney gaped at him, mouth opening and closing, then he finally muttered something nasty and pointedly took his notes and chose a different table.

Kavanagh suppressed his laughter.

Yes, so married.

* * *
 
 

The decision had been mostly made by Rodney, bullying Sheppard into agreeing. At least that was what John told his lover when they walked into the seldom used multi-purpose room at the end of the south-west wing.

“I did not bully you!” Rodney argued. “I only told you it’s time to get over this…” he waved his hands, “… and to trust your friends!”

John raised an eyebrow. “Do you trust them?”

“Of course!”

//So you’re calling me irrational?//

//You’re a lot of things, irrational included. I’m not going to give you the list!// Rodney snapped. //Teyla and Ronon are on your team. Standish and Larabee told us that this has to happen sooner or later//

//I'd prefer later//

//Don't you always!?//

//Rodney, this isn't easy!// John argued hotly.

"Isn't easy? Isn't easy?! What do you think this is for me? It isn't just about you, you know! There's two of us here, you on one end, me on the other, and let me tell you, it isn't all as fun as it looks like!"

"Rodney…"

"Sex doesn't even come close to making up the pain and coldness and the numbness and the… the… terror of losing you!" Rodney yelled, already pacing. "Do you know how they looked at me? Only Elizabeth and Carson knew. Maybe they didn't even know for real. They just… thought they did. This is painful, John! Very much so! I hated it, I always will…"

"And you need a shoulder to cry on?"

Angry blue eyes now sparked with even more fury. "I want to be able to pass out when you go and get yourself killed again!"

Sheppard closed the distance between them and simply took the other man into his arms, pressing his lips to the warm skin.

“I'm not going to get myself killed again, Rodney."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Sheppard. You can't. This is… you were… it happened before." Rodney clung to him, just like John held him back. Rodney gave a weak laugh. “You can’t promise...”

“No,” was the serious, level answer. “I can’t. Neither can you. Rodney, I’m just as scared of you getting hurt.”

McKay swallowed hard. “Yeah,” he murmured.

No arguing. Both knew they were living a dangerous life out here, in the Pegasus Galaxy. Rodney wasn’t any safer than John.

Sheppard sought out his lover’s lips and Rodney didn’t fight the tender, reassuring kiss. They separated after a moment, the connection between them alive with emotions neither dared to speak about, and when John turned he discovered they had watchers.

McKay groaned softly, looking embarrassed. John just gave Teyla a frown. Her answer was a calm smile. Ronon, who was towering over the Athosian, didn’t move a muscle, though there was a smirk in those dark eyes. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest, weight shifted to one side, and the amusement grew by the minute.

Rodney hated him for it.

“You called us here,” Teyla broke the silence.

“Yeah. Well, we… need to talk about something.” John tried not to fidget.

//You are// Rodney remarked. //Fidgeting. Stop it. They’re our friends. They’re your team!//

Sheppard knew that. And he knew it was time to finally let Teyla and Ronon in on what others knew already. Carson was a trusted friend, as was Elizabeth. O’Rourke had proven to be the same, and though he was Kavanagh’s lover, the physicist knew nothing about the special circumstances of their connection.

"This is kinda hard for me, and it's… well, it's confidential. Sort of."

Teyla tilted her head in a silent question.

“We should sit down,” Rodney only said. “Better for all involved.”

Ronon frowned, but he took a seat in his usual slouch, followed by Teyla who did it with a lot more grace.

“When Rodney and I got lost on M7B-377, something happened,” Sheppard started, the only one still standing. There was something defensive about his posture, something ready to bolt, something ready to attack, and Rodney almost rolled his eyes.

//Sit!// he snapped over the Bond. //Sit and talk and let them be our friends!//

John didn't sit, but he tried to relax a little. It was hard.

“To me," he continued. "Something happened to me. And it’s still there. It’s… it’s, well, Rodney and I…” He inhaled deeply. “Damn, this is hard.”

“Sheppard got turned into an alien horse by a machine built by the Ancients. It was in that ruin we discovered and it started the earthquake that collapsed most of the building. It also transported us halfway across the planet,” Rodney interrupted levelly. “He and I developed a kind of telepathic link between us, he can still shape-change, and we’re able to touch each other empathically.”

Ronon looked rather baffled, Teyla's eyes had widened, and both were looking at them with a mild bout of confusion in their eyes.

Everything after that was a hesitant explanation from John what he could do, what he was, what had happened, why he hadn’t told Ronon and Teyla sooner, and Rodney interrupting in his usual manner.

“I understand that you were unsure about your changes,” Teyla said softly. “Please understand that you will never be anything but my friend to me, John Sheppard.”

He smiled weakly. “Thanks.”

She smiled back. "You and Dr. McKay share a gift. I have known people who did the same, without being able to shape-change," she added with another smile. "We will not betray your trust in us."

"I appreciate this."

“We gonna get to see this horse form of yours?” Ronon wanted to know. “We saw Standish, but you’re not him.”

“No.”

Ronon gave him a challenging look.

John looked uncomfortable. Rodney just leaned back, arms crossed in front of his chest, shooting him the same challenging look.

//Rodney…//

//You got naked in front of them before//

//It's not that!//

//You told me it's necessary to learn to ride because there might come a day where we go galloping away, people shooting at us, all that fun stuff we do. I think Teyla and Ronon need to know what you look like//

“Not here,” Sheppard decided. "There's an old hangar or something on the North Pier. No one uses it."

Ronon shrugged. "Fine. Let's go."

"Now?"

The expression on the Satedan's face left no room for argument. John sighed in defeat, Rodney smiled that smug little smile that could infuriate even his own lover, and Teyla simply watched them serenely.

"Okay," the Colonel admitted defeat. "Now."

* * *

They sat together on the edge of the pier, John enjoying the warm breeze from the ocean, the salty tang making him relax even more. Rodney was beside him, studying the water, his mind going over all the different creatures that probably lived down there. Some most like carnivorous.

"That went well," he finally remarked, still gazing at the blue-green waves.

"Yeah," John murmured.

Sheppard suddenly lay back, hands underneath his head, looking up into the blue-blue sky. There were a few clouds drifting across. Rodney turned his head, attention away from the water.

//You okay?//

//You'd know if I freak//

//Actually, you're a very covert freaker-outer sometimes//

//Like you?//

Rodney gave him an indignant look. //I freak out quite openly!//

John chuckled, giving his lover a lazy look. "Yeah, you can. You also do the secretive stuff really well."

Rodney muttered something rude. Of course he had kept his freak-outs at bay in the beginning of their Bond. Sure, he had freaked out in private just once, just once, and John hadn't felt a single flicker.

He sighed.

//I'm not freaking, Rodney. I'm… glad, actually. I feel relieved//

There was a smirk there. Quite open, too. "Told you."

"No, Standish told us."

"And me!"

Sheppard ran a comforting hand up and down Rodney's arm. //I love you, too//

McKay harrumphed. "Sure, evade the emotional crisis with love talk."

"Is it working?"

"Oh, and the sexy sultry voice, too."

John laughed and tugged a little at his lover's arm. "Rodney…"

"It's not working, you know. I know what you feel." Rodney tapped a finger against one temple. "In here."

But he leaned over the prone man and their lips brushed together.

//You survived the great revelation//

//I told two more people//

//That's grand on your Kiowata scale of instinctive protection//

//Hmpf//

John was silent for a long time, both still together on the pier, and finally he sighed softly, contentedly.

"Wish we could stay here."

Rodney grunted. "And get sunburned to a crisp. I can already feel me blistering."

"You're doing fine, Rodney. Not a red spot in sight."

"They'll come," was the reply, though Rodney didn't move.

"We should go back."

"They can call us if there's a crisis."

"You want to stay outside?" John asked for clarification.

Rodney shrugged a little. "Why not? You want stretch your legs or something?"

Sheppard shook his head. "No. I'm okay. Just… checking." He flung his arms out, almost hitting Rodney, who gave an indignant squawk.

"Hey, watch it!"

John grinned. "Come on down, enjoy the sun."

"Till I blister," Rodney muttered, but he did, and John rolled closer.

It was nice. It was private, totally out in the open, far away from the other, still on Atlantis. It was everything.

Rodney closed his eyes and inhaled the ocean air.

Nice.

John's presence through the Bond increased, seeking closeness, and Rodney opened up, letting him come in.

//Love you// he murmured.

John only echoed the sentiment wordlessly.