Our heroic battle against the Pink Spore

Part I

By Frank White

FW: "Greetings, sports fans! And welcome to the first annual Chibi-Usa Kicking contest, being held here in the AFSM ryb Memorial Stadium! We've got a full crowd here today to watch this event, the rules of which are simple. A whole bunch of big, strong guys on one side, Chibi-Usa on the other, last one left standing wins! And here to provide color commentary is a visitor from the Xenaverse, Joxer the Mighty!"

Joxer (strums a mandolin):

Oh, I'm Joxer the Mighty,
Master of commentary!
When you need some one to talk,
I'm the one who will not balk.
By every measure I'm a prize,
Just check out my shoe size-"

 FW: "Yeah, yeah, Joxer, later. For now, let's look at the participants. On the anti-Chibi-Usa side, affectionately known as the Chibi-Kickers, we've got most of the people who can't stand the little spore. And on Chibi-Usa's side, we've got... Chibi-Usa."

Joxer: "Uh... Am I missing something, or does that seem a bit unfair?"

FW: "Nope, you're not missing a thing. We're about to start... there's the bell... LOOK AT THE LITTLE FUNGUS GO! And Chibi-Usa draws first blood, so to speak, running down the lines of her opponents and kicking them all in the shins!!! I guess being small gives you some advantages!!"

Joxer: "Oh? Like what?"

FW: "Uh... later. Oops! Wait! Tenchi wielding the Illumina sword seems to have scored a lucky grab on the Pink One! He's holding her out in front of him and drawing back his leg... it looks like he's planning to drop kick her into orbit... UUGGHGH, DID YOU SEE THAT??? Luna-P came out of NOWHERE and NAILED Tenchi! It got him right in the... it was a blow to the... urg."

Joxer: "I hope he was wearing a cup."

FW: "No lie. Now, look! Chibi-Usa's turned Luna-P into her hypnosis umbrella! I think she's trying to hypnotize the opposition into submission! And they're all getting woozy... they're all feeling sleepy... they're all wavering... AND TENCHI, WITH MASSIVE EFFORT, FELL ON TOP OF THE HYPNOSIS UMBRELLA AND SAVED HIS TEAM FROM IGNOMINIOUS DEFEAT!! What a COMPETITOR!!"

Joxer: "Actually, I think he passed out and just fell on the umbrella by accident."

FW: "No matter! In this sort of game, that still makes him a candidate for MVP! Especially since he's knocked Luna-P out of Chibi-Usa's hand and she can't use it anymore! Wow, look at that! She's backflipping her way down the field, getting away from the Chibi-Kickers! I guess all the practice she got during her original henshin is coming in handy now!"

Joxer: "Wow! Just like a little pink Xena!"

FW: "If you don't mind, Joxer, that's an image I'd rather not dwell on. Oh, look! The Chibi-Kickers are charging after her! But she's firing Pink Sugar Heart Attacks at them, driving everyone back!"

Joxer: "That's pretty cute! Those bruises are going to be awfully hard to explain, though."

FW: "But now the Chibi-Kickers have split up, and are coming at her from several directions at once! She can't blast away with the Pink Wand fast enough! Wait! She's going into her "Pegasus, protect our dreams!" pose! Do you suppose she's trying to invoke Helios?"

Joxer: "The sun god? What's he got to do with this?"

FW: "No, it's not that Helios, it's a winged unicorn who's really... never mind, I'll explain later. Anyway, she's got the Twinkle Bell! The Chibi-Kickers are closing in, but she's going into her twirl and-"

CLANK!!! CLANK-CLANK-CLANK!!!

Joxer: "Oh. They'll be feeling THAT in the morning."

FW: "A-HAH! Chibi-Usa didn't use the bell to call Pegasus, instead she swung it and CLOCKED several of them across the chops! Boy, if this kid ever got hold of a REAL weapon in the series she would have beaten the heck out of the Sailors' enemies. But it looks like she's out of tricks! The Chibi-Kickers have her surrounded! Is this... the end? No! Wait! She's up to something! A glow is surrounding her body! Could she be going to use the Silver Crystal of the future? Wait, she's LEVITATING somehow... her form is shifting... is she turning into Dark Lady? Wait, something's happening now! It looks like-"

PH'NGLUI MGLW'NAFH CTHULHU R'LYEH WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN!!!

FW: "GOOD LORD, CHIBI-USA'S TURNED INTO CTHULHU!! OH MY GOD, SHE *IS* THE ANTICHRIST!!! QUICK, QUICK, WARN THE WORLD BEFORE IT'S TOO-"

(At this point, as tends to happen to those who see genuine Lovecraftian sights too closely and have the brains to realize it, FW's mind collapses like a stack of VCR tapes in an earthquake, and he keels over, out cold.

Guess who that leaves to continue to commentary?)

Joxer: "Well, I seem to be the only one left! I wish I understood more about what was going on, and why the little girl turned into a massive pile of Jell-O. It's confusing. Still I've got to say it's kind of interesting how, even though she's become an amorphic shapeless mass, she's still got that strange hairdo on the top of her head. At least, I *think* that's her head. Hm. She just picked one of the guys up and threw him into the ground like a javelin, burying him up to his ankles. Head first. Now she's grabbed another and flicked him off into space like a booger. Now she's jumping up and down on the rest... Everyone seems to have run out of the stands... FW's gone catatonic... I think the game's over.

I wonder who won?

Oh, I'm Joxer, the Mighty
Master of Commentary!
Never at a loss for words,
spinning yarns just like the birds,
I'm Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!!

Part II

By Zoisite No Miko

Suddenly, from the dugouts, comes a cry:

 "Kaijin!"

 And, low and behold, there stands Zoisite No Miko!

 "Bring me the kings!" she cries, and the four kings appear. Zoisite No Miko quickly clomps onto Kunzite. All the other Lakacua members (including Tenchi, who had actually passed out because he had gotten a glimpse of Minako's panties as she cheered for no team in particular on the sidelines) stand up, brushing the grass and dirt off their clothes.

 "Kunzite-sama, could you zap the little pink haired person with those nifty boomerang things of yours?" asks Zoisite No Miko.

 Kunzite sweatdrops. "If I do, will you let go of me?" he asks.

 Zoisite No Miko thinks about it. Then she thinks some more. Several members of Lakacua clear their throats. "Oh, all right." She says, mentally adding, "but not for long..."

 Kunzite's boomerangs-of-death appear, and just as he's about to throw them...

 "Wait!" says Usagi.

 "Sailor Moon! You've come to rescue me!" says Chibi-Usa happily (Clemens 'Gullevek' Schwaighofer has been holding her at arms length this whole time, BTW).

 "If anyone is going to beat up the little brat, it's going to be me!" announces Usagi.

 Everyone facefaults.

 "That's right! I'm sick of her constantly belittling me, and hanging all over Mamo-chan (that's sick, he's her father!)."

Usagi takes out her Weapon-of-the-season and fries Chibi-Usa. Everyone applauds, and Zoisite No Miko clomps Jadeite (Zoisite-sama had gotten to Kunzite first).

 Joxer: Well, it appears that Lakacua has won this round. Join us next time as the Prince Uranus supporters fight the Harukachanians. That should be a short fight.