The Dancing Lesson of Death
(aka why you should NEVER let Faris give you dancing lessons)
by Haruka Shin-Ra
"DANCE!" Faris roared. "DANCE!!!" She fired the gun
at Chibi-Usa's feet. Chibi-Usa began to "dance" until
Lenna walked in. "Sister, what are you doing to
Chibi-Usa?" Faris smiled. "Torturing her." Lenna
nodded. "Oh. Okay." Lenna left. "Now... KEEP
DANCING!!!" Faris began to play the auction house
music from FF3/6 on her record player. Chibi-Usa was
now forced to dance with some of Faris' pirates.
Chibi-Usa wasn't very happy, either. "Dance wit' me,
foo!" Barret said, in pirate garb. Chibi-Usa cursed.
"C'MON!!! DANCE!!!!" Faris roared. A stalagtite fell
from the ceiling. The auction house music broke into
Laguna vs. The Trabia Dragon and the Spore began to
tapdance while Faris was firing a gun at her feet.
Barret was dancing too, but he seemingly was enjoying
himself. Faris kept firing the gun and Chibi-Usa kept
tapping with Barret. Soon, she fell over. "Wha's the
matter, foo'? Why ain't you dancin'?" Barret asked.
"Faris shot off my feet," she explained. Faris
shrugged. "We'll help you dance!" Biggs and Wedge
marched in the cave wearing pink tutus. They lifted
Chibi-Usa off the ground and began dancing. The
dancing music of FF5 played as they danced. "Look
out, Biggs! A giant falling Chu-Chu!" Wedge pointed
as an oversized version of Chu-Chu from Xenogears fell
on Biggs, Wedge, the Spore, and squashed them. "I chu
not like chu," Chu-Chu said. Faris and Barret stared
in confusion as they edged away from Chu-Chu. Faris
broke into a run and left the cave. Barret turned
into Mr. T, threw a car into the wall and escaped.
The End.
"A Tale of two Flunkies: Part One"
by Haruka Ten'ou's alter-egos Gau and Aya
(Aya and Gau are playing Chocobo Racing)
Aya: This game kicks ass because I'm in it.
Gau: But NO ONE can see your ugly face! Mwa!
Aya: I'M NOT UGLY, YOU FRICKIN' IDIOT!!
(Aya and Gau begin fighting)
(Haruka walks in)
Haruka: How are my two alter-egos? Getting along well?
Aya: GAU CALLED ME UGLY!!!
Gau: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Aya: SAY "FRICK" NOT FUCK!!!!
Haruka: WHY did I choose these flunkies for
alter-egos?!
Gau: I'll promise I'll be good!
Aya: Yeah, Haruka!
Haruka: Don't know if I can trust you guys. I'm gonna
be gone for a while...
Gau/Aya: YESSSSS!!!
Haruka: A-HEM!! ...And I'm leaving Terra to watch you.
Gau: NOOOO!! NOT TERRA!!!
Aya: Not the Aerith before Aerith!!
(Terra walks in as Haruka leaves)
Terra: ^_^ Hello! Who wants to play a game?
Gau: You suck.
Aya: Yeah.
Terra: Let's play Mog House 64!
Gau: Mog House is a sucky game.
Aya: I wanna go outside.
Gau: MORON!...wait! Yeah, let's go outside!
Terra: Great! I'll go with you!
Gau: NO.
Aya: I have an idea!
(Gau and Aya hide in a corner, whisper to each other,
and return.)
Gau: Let's play Cowboys and Indians!
Terra: Great!
Gau/Aya: (tie up Terra and leave) Sayonara!
Terra: Mmmph mmmph mmmph..!
Gau: That was a GREAT idea for someone who's supposed
to be a mitochondrial mutant!
Aya: (transforms using her "Liberate" PEnergy) A-HEM!
Gau: Oh. Solly.
Aya: I wonder where that weird pink kid next door
is..?
Gau: Next door, retard.
Aya: At least Haruka didn't call ME a flunkie!
Gau: She called BOTH of us flunkies.
Aya: Oh.
(knock on Chibi-Usa's door)
(Ayla answers)
Ayla: Me Ayla. Who you?
Aya: (whispers) Gau, is this your mother?
Gau: (punches Aya)
Ayla: WHO YOU?!
Gau: (looks at Aya) I can speak her language. Leave
the talking to me. (looks at Ayla) Me Gau. (points to
himself) This Aya. (points to Aya)
Aya: ^^;; (waves) Hi.
Ayla: Huh?
Gau: ME Gau. SHE Aya. We friends!
Ayla: F-friend? In. (picks up Gau and Aya)
Gau: Huh?!
Aya: What the..?
Ayla: (carries them in) This me and Chibbi-Oosa live.
Gau: Yeah. Let 'Chibbi-Oosa' outside?
Ayla: Okay. CHIBBI-OOSA!
(Chibi appears and runs outside.)
Gau: Okay, bye. (leaves)
Aya: What he said. (leaves)
Ayla: Bye. See you agen.
Gau: (shuts the door)
Chibi: Oh, no! You guys!
Gau: Yup.
Aya: Who the hell was that, Gau?
Gau: That furry assed bitch from Chrono Trigger.
Aya: Oh.
Chibi: What do you guys want NOW?
Gau: (pulls out a dynamite stick) Nothing much.
Aya: Just melting some stuff.
Chibi: Oh?
Gau: Yeah.
Chibi: What are we gonna melt?
Aya: YOU.
Gau: Let's get our other next-door neighbor over here.
Aya: She's a pirate.
Gau: No shit, Sherlock!
Chibi: WHAT?! YOU'RE LETTING THAT LESBIAN PIRATE PLAY
WITH US? SHE SUCKS!
Gau: So?
Aya: (knocks on Faris's door)
(Seifer answers the door)
Seifer: WHAT?
Aya: Can...we...(ulp)...see Faris?
Seifer: Sure, take the little shit. She has nothing to
do, anyways. She says I'm too boring for her.
(Faris comes down the stairs, followed by a floating
cat head)
Faris: Hi.
Aya: Wanna go melt Chibi-Usa?
Faris: SURE!! It's a LOT more fun than trying to kill
Spum!
Aya: Spum..?
Faris: That cat head thing.
Spum: i liek milk!!!!!!1
Aya: O.o;; Oh-kay?
Faris: Same thing.
Spum: i liek pi!!!!!1
Faris: Shut the frick up.
Spum: Do0Od!!!1
(Faris, Spum and Aya go outside)
Gau: (tying Chibi to a flagpole) Hi, Faris!
Faris: Hi.
Spum: i liek cheez!!!!!1
Faris: SHUT UP!!!!
Gau: What the hell is that?
Aya: Her pet 'Spum.'
Faris: Yeah.
Chibi: AAAAAHHHH...!
Aya: She whines just as much as Rinoa.
Gau: (piles dry leaves and twigs and explosives at the
base of the flagpole)
Aya: Shoit! I forgot the matches!
Faris: I always have magic.
Gau: So do I..!
Spum: i liek yogirt!!!!!1
Faris: SHUT THE &%$# UP!!!!!!!!
Spum: ....!1
Aya: That's a good...thing. (pats Spum's forehead)
Gau: Uh, what about the burning of the Spore?
Faris: Oh..! Almost forgot! (pulls out Magic Stone)
Gau: STONES? You still use STONES?! I don't need a
wand for MY magic!
Aya: He IS right.
Faris: Shut up.
Gau: Well..? A combined Fire3 spell?
Faris: Sure.
Aya: I have Fire Rounds in my gun..
Gau: That's not magic.
Aya: I'll watch then.
Gau: Ready? One, two,
Faris/Gau: FIRE3!!!!
(Chibi-Usa goes up in flames)
(Haruka returns home)
Haruka: Not bad for flunkies.
Gau: It was my idea.
Aya: WAS NOT!!!
Haruka: Oh, brother.
Faris: Ditto.
Haruka: Wanna be my new alter-ego?
Faris: Sure.
(Aya and Gau are still fighting)
The end of part one. Expect more insanity from my
three alter-egos in part two when Faris starts a band
and Chibi-Usa turns into JENOVA*Spore! Will the world
ever be the same?
~Haruka and her alter-egos
::Haruka is sitting on the couch with Aerith, Yuffie, Cloud, and Nanaki::
Nanaki: ::looks at Yuffie:: Yuffie, what the hell..?
Cloud: Oh, $%#@.
Vincent: Yuffie...
Aerith: Is...
Haruka: Playing...
Nanaki: With...
Tifa: Herself.
Cid: Now..THAT's a scary thing to behold. &%$#@!! I'm gonna &%$#@ puke!
::vomits::
Haruka: VOMIT COMET!!! ::flaps arms wildly and runs around::
Chocobo: Dammit, why am I tied to a post?
Barret: Da hell..?
Chocobo: What the hell am I doing tied to a friggin' post?!
Haruka: Heh-heh..this is fun.
Chocobo: Dammit, tie that friggin' red thing to the post, not me!
Nanaki: Who are YOU callin' a 'friggin red thing'?!
Aerith: Damn talking Chocobo. ::puts down bag of pork rinds and ties Chocobo
to another post far away::
Haruka: I love this new voice transmitter.
Yuffie: Gimme the Materia, Aerith!
Aerith: Go away, Yuffie.
::Chibi-Usa walks in::
Chibi-Usa: Hey, Vincent! Shoot me or something!
Haruka: ::giggles::
Chibi-Usa: Can someone pleeeease kill me?
Nanaki: ::eats Chibi-Usa:: Urg..I don't feel too well. I think it's pink food
poisoning..::vomits all over Cid::
Cid: Dammit, why me?! &%$#@*^&^@%$@$#@%$*&^%#@^!!!!!!!!!!!
Haruka: He pulled a Cid...again.
Nanaki: I feel much better.
Haruka: $#%! Chibi-Usa's still alive!
Chibi-Usa: Vincent, can you shoot me in the head? VAMPY BOOBOO!!
Vincent: STOP CALLING ME THAT! ::shoots and kills Chibi-Usa::
Chibi-Usa: Ow. ::dies::
Haruka: Now, THAT's better than Aerith dying all the time. Chibi-Usa's death
is family entertainment to behold!
Nanaki: But why did the evil thing want to die?
Haruka: That's a secret I'm keeping to the grave. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Yuffie: ::still playing with herself:: Huh?
The End
(insert bloody question mark here)
?
The world may never know.
~Haruka Ten'ou~
by Haruka Ten'ou
1. Defective pod racer tester
2. Jar-Jar Bink's blind date (she was the reason poor Jar-Jar got kicked out)
3. Darth Maul's lightsaber tester
4. Spare fan belt for Anakin's pod racer
5. Watto's toothbrush (he may not use it, though)
6. Target practice for the Gungans and their explosive paintballs
7. Stunt double for Kenny the Battle Droid
8. A hood ornament for Anakin's pod racer (it scares the other racers into crashing)
9. The main reason Anakin took the Dark Side
10. Queen Amidala's stunt double (they both have freaky hairdos)
11. Battle Droid target practice
12. Battle Droid repellent- just let her walk with you
13. The reason Jar-Jar can't speak proper english (after Chibi singing that song, you
never know WHAT happens!!)
14. Tester for the Gungan's explosive paintballs
15. Energy beam tester for pod racers
16. Target practice for ANYONE! It only matters if she gets killed!
17. Jabba the Hutt's lawnchair
What the Hell is Rei, Anyways?!
by Haruka Ten'ou
::Haruka, Michiru, Cait Sith, and Cloud are playing
Super Smash Bros. 64::
Cait Sith: DIE YOSHI! (Cloud is playing Yoshi)
Cloud: DAMN KOOPA!!! (Haruka is playing Starfox, and winning)
Haruka: Go f*ck yourself, gay lizard.
Cait Sith: NOOO! You punched my Pikachu! (Cait is playing Pikachu)
Michiru: Pikachu is gay.
Cloud: You're the one to be talking, lesbo.
::Michiru bitch-slaps Cloud and a fight breaks out between the two. Barret and Cid walk in
and take Michiru and Cloud's controls::
Cid: DAMN! Why do I have to be Yoshi?!
Barret: Because Donkey Kong is cool.
Cid: Why do you think Donkey Kong is cool...You spank monkeys?
Haruka: SICK! ::bursts out in laughter::
::Barret punches Cid::
Cid: ^%^%#%@?>?>?%$#^%(*%(*#@!@~@#!#@!(__+_++%%^$$#@#~
Haruka: Hoo ha....He pulled a Cid....monkey spanker... ::bursts out in laughter again::
::Rei walks in wearing a shirt that says "BITCH" in big red letters and a cape
that says "SUPER BITCH". Rei picks up Barret's control::
Haruka: Look up in the sky! It's a turd! It's a pain! It's Super Bitch!
Barret: ::bursts out in laughter:: IT'S A LI'L YUFFIE!!!
Rei: Here I come to ruin your day! Super Bitch is on her way!
Haruka: DIE DONKEY KONG!
Rei: Whenever you die, Starfox!
[on TV] ::Starfox throws a bomb and Donkey Kong blows up::
Haruka: Ha ha!
Rei: DAMN YOU!!
::Red XIII and Yuffie appear::
Yuffie: SUPER BITCH!! I'M HERE!
Rei: Well, it's about time, Slut Girl. Help me kill that lesbo and her Starfox.
[on TV] ::Starfox throws another bomb::
Red XIII: This is the most f*cked up thing I've ever seen. Two bitches join forces and
become Stupid Heroes. Next thing to happen is that Cait Sith turns out to be
"Underwear Head" or some other thing.
Cait Sith: Nanaki, you dumbass! You revealed my secret identity!
Minna[everyone]: ........@_@
Cait Sith: Just kidding.... Heehee.
Cid: Die, you f*ckin' Pikachu!
[on TV] ::Pikachu thundershocks Yoshi and Yoshi falls off a cliff and dies::
Cid: NOOOOO! %$#%$@*)()*^$^%#%$*&)&)(&&*$@$#@!#$!%^$?><+__(^%~@#@!#@#%@%^%$@$#@_)(}}|{}{|{|}{":&^&$^EDX%$#?><"L"P#$#!$#!
Haruka: Whooohee, he pulled another Cid!
Cait Sith: HA HA! PIKACHU IS NOT GAY, SO THERE!
Haruka: Oh, yeah?
[on TV] ::Starfox tackles Pikachu off the cliff and a 'splat' noise is heard::
Cait Sith: Oh, poopie.
Rei: I AM SUPER BITCH! BEHOLD MY WRATH, STARFOX!!
[on TV] ::Donkey Kong throws a punch and misses. Starfox kicks Kong in the crotch and Kong
falls off the cliff and a 'crunch' noise is heard::
Rei: SH*T!!!!!!!!
Haruka: I win.
::The rest of AVALANCHE walks in and Chibi-Usa::
Haruka: New game, try to defeat the leading champion.
Chibi-Usa: Ooh, ooh, me, me!
Haruka: HELL NO!
::Haruka takes Cid's spear and drives it through Chibi-Usa's head::
Minna(everybody): GREAT! SHE'S DEAD!
Cid: NOOO! My spear! It's contaminated!
Haruka: Forget about it. Who wants to play Smash Bros. against me?
Tifa: Me!
Aerith: Me!
Red XIII: I would play if I had hands.
Yuffie: Me!
Haruka: Cait Sith, you can play because you were the only one besides me to kill someone.
Cait Sith: Yipee!
Haruka: I'm playing Starfox.
Tifa: I'm playing Jigglypuff.
Cloud: Why, because it grows huge like your chest?
Tifa: THESE ARE 100% REAL!
Cloud: Uh-huh.
Haruka: ::snickers::
Aerith: I'm playing Pikachu.
Cait Sith: I'm playing Donkey Kong.
Yuffie: I'm Jigglypuff! Bweeeheee! Jiggilypuff, Jiggly. Puff. I'm a jiggly puff!
Cloud: ::bursts out in laughter:: Yuffie said she's jiggly!
Haruka: Who said Yuffie was playing? ONLY FOUR PLAYERS! We have our four! And someone is
already playing Jigglypuff!
::Yuffie runs off, screaming Jigglypuff::
Cid: Lookie, a rotted tomato.
::Cid throws a tomato at Rei's face. Rei splits in half and tons of little Yuffies come
out::
Barret: What da hell? TONS OF LI'L YUFFIES!!!!
Little Yuffie #1: Take me to your leader.
Little Yuffie #2: Let ussssss rule the world.
Cid: At times like this, even Sephiroth would help us!
::Sephiroth appears from no where::
Sephi: Someone call?
::Sephi looks down::
Sephi: Euh! What are those?!
Cid: A bunch of little Yuffies.
Barret: Kill those and the original one, too, and I'll give you 1 million Gil.
Sephi: {eyes light up} Really?
Barret: Ummm, no.
Cid: Just help us kill them and the original one!
Sephi: Why aren't they helping? {points to Haruka, Tifa, Aerith, and Cait Sith}
Cid: They're to busy playing Super F*ckin Smash Bros.
Sephi: Oooh, can I play?
Cid: {rolls eyes} Barret, shoot those little Yuffies, and I'll spear them!
::Cid jerks his spear out of Chibi-Usa's head::
Vincent: AHHHH! LITTLE YUFFIES!!!
::Vincent takes out the Death Penalty and fires at the little Yuffies::
Little Yuffie #1: TRAITORSSSSSS!!! AGH, I'M SSSHOT!! ::dies::
Little Yuffie #3: BASSSSTARDS! YOU KILLED OUR GENERAL! YOU'LL PAY! ::dies::
::Barret shoots and kills Yuffie::
Little Yuffie #2: YOU KILLED OUR LEADER! I'M SHOT!! ::dies::
Haruka: Oooh, an opportunity to kill! ::puts down controller and takes out Space Sword::
Haruka: DIE!!!!
::Haruka decapitates little Yuffie #4. Michiru takes Haruka's contoller::
Little Yuffie #4: My head! ::dies::
Barret: ::shoots the rest of the little Yuffies:: There. We killed all 150 Yuffies.
Cid\Haruka: ::stomps on the remains of the Yuffies::
Red XIII: ::Eats the remains of Chibi-Usa::
End.
The Top Ten Places Chibi-Usa Came From
10. Dump
9. Maybe she's an Ewok?
8. Sewer
7. Rei did go out with Mamoru for a while, and Chibi-Usa does have her bitchy
personality, so...
6. She's Yuffie Kisaragi's clone!!
5. SHE'S A GENETIC MONSTER!!
4. The Cleveland Zoo
3. Swamp
2. Trailer Park
1. HELL
"Why I Hate Chibi-Usa"
by Haruka Ten'ou
::Haruka is walking around and see a tuft of evil pink hair::
Haruka: Hmm. What do we have here?
::Chibi-Usa pops out from behind a bush::
Haruka: WHAT THE HELL?!
Chibi-Usa: Hahaha. I AM EVIL! I WILL MAKE YOU A MEMBER OF PROJECT C.U.T.E!!
Haruka: NOOOOOO!!
::Chibi-Usa takes out a remote control::
Haruka: DIE EVIL SPORE!
::Haruka takes out mask of Chibi-Usa and holds it up to her face(poor Haruka!)::
Chibi-Usa: AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
::The spore runs away::
Haruka: [thinking] Damn, I gotta warn the others!
::Haruka runs to Michiru's mansion::
Michiru: It looks like Chibi-Usa tried to brainwash you!
Haruka: You are so damn right.
::Haruka vomits on the floor::
Haruka: SETSUNA!! CLEAN UP THIS MESS ON THE FLOOR!
::Setsuna walks in and wipes up the vomit::
Setsuna: What was that for?
Haruka: That spore tried to brainwash me. I got sick to the stomach.
::Setsuna pats Haruka on the back::
Setsuna: I feel your pain.
Haruka: Where's Hotaru?
Michiru: In the backyard, burning Chibi-Usa merchandise and "I am a sorry member of
project C.U.T.E." cards.
Haruka: That's my girl!
::Hotaru runs in crying::
Hotaru: WAH! CHIBI-USA TRIED TO KILL ME!!
Haruka: Where is she?!
Hotaru: IN THE BACKYARD! WAHHHH!!
::Haruka goes in the backyard and sees the little devil::
Haruka: DIE, CHIBI-USA, DIE!!
::Haruka takes out a flamethrower. Hotaru comes outside with the Silence Glaive::
Hotaru: DIE!!!
::Haruka rips out Chibi-Usa's lungs and heart and blasts fire on her. Hotaru decapitates
Chibi-Usa and rips out her guts::
Haruka: Is she dead, O Dark One?
Hotaru: Yes, she is. Now we shall all throw a party.
Everyone: [Cheers] THREE CHEERS FOR HARUKA AND HOTARU!!!!
CHIBI-USA IS DEAD!
The (joyful) End.
~Haruka Ten'ou~
Because We All Hate Chibi-Usa.
The Chibi-Usa Poll
from Haruka Tenoh
1) Why can't Chibi-Usa walk right?
a) She has a banana up her ass
b) She has a henshin stick up her ass
c) She has a rubber dick up her ass
2) Who would make a perfect roomate for Chibi-Usa?
a) Cid Highwind
b) Haruka's evil twin, Dr. Ten'ou
(Let's blow up the world today! 'Cause I don't give a shimatta only if you give me... one
million dollars!)
c) Lara Croft's (Tomb Raider) bratty little sister Clem.
(Gimme back my &%$# pistol, 'cause I'm gonna shoot you!)
d) A redneck.
e) The valley girls from hell.
3) If you ever say Chibi-Usa in person, what would
you say?
a) YOU SUCK!!!!!
b) I HATE YOU!!!!!!
c) Get lost, valley girl!
d) Did you know you're uglier than a warthog?
e) Nothing. You just kill her on the spot.
4) What should Chibi-Usa be turned into?
a) A toilet.
b) An ugly female dog.
c) A Samarai Pizza Cat.
d) A dog who likes humping people's legs.
5) You come home to see Chibi-Usa standing in your house. What
should you do?
a) Set her hair on fire.
b) Call Charter and commit her.
c) Lock her in a room and tie her to a chair forcing her to say "I'm a big, ugly,
pink Chocobo on fire!" until she wants to leave the house.
d) Force her to say "John Tesh makes great music!" outside even though you like
Limp Bizkit.
BONUS QUESTION
Do monkeys fly out of your butt when you stub your toe?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Only on the weekends
d) Cheese
e) No because ice cream doesn't have bones.
