Although totally fictional, the following stories are embedded in the
framework of events, lifestyles and possibilities of their respective
cultures and periods. I researched each story, so that the heroes life
would fit in the desired timeframe and cultural background. The
historical elements (i.e. the Mongol invasion of Russia, the kidnapping
of the Pope etc.) are all true - the entwined lives of the protagonists
are fictional, but could have happened.
|
The
Story of Kira Samarin
faithfully recorded by Falko von der
Weser
It was the dark and gruesome time when the
Mongols of the Golden Horde ruled over
most of Mother Russia. After their victory over the quarrelsome
rulers of the Russian
principalities, they plundered the land, sacked the cities,
murdered the men and enslaved the women. Nothing could be done
to stop them and so the Russian people endured their tragic fate
with suffering and patience. Their new lords were invincible
warriors and merciless masters, and their cruelty was only
surpassed by their greed for always more booty.
One day, one of their minor commanders took
his men to raid the countryside and they came to a little
village, where the local were just about to celebrate a modest
wedding ceremony with what little they had left. The bride and
groom where dressed in borrowed clothes, because they had could
not afford nee wedding dresses. The meal consisted of the
remnants of the crop from their burnt fields, there was no meat
or poultry on the table because the Mongols had taken every pig,
cow or chicken. Just a little fish, freshly caught from the
nearby river and a bottle of vodka, which had been hidden from
the Mongols' greedy hands, was served.
As the Mongols arrived, the newlyweds had
just finished their first dance as husband and wife, and all
their guests stood in a big circle and applauded and cheered.
Then, someone spotted the terrible men form the steppes on their
little shaggy horses approaching and immediately the music
stopped and the laughter died. The Mongol commander, always on
the prowl for that special gift to please his superiors, saw the
bride, her golden hair fluttering in the mild breeze, decorated
with a crown of leafs and grasses, and he knew that this was his
chance to increase his standings in the Mongol hierarchy.
And while his men went into every house,
grabbing everything they might find
of any worth, accompanied by the terrified cries and screams of
the helpless villagers, he rode straight to the woman. But
suddenly her husband jumped before her to protect her, with a
kitchen knife from one of the tables in his hands. The Mongol
not even slowed down. He just laughed loudly, drew his bow and
while the woman tried to draw her husband out of harms way, he
shot an arrow straight through the man's heart. Horrified the
woman saw her husband die, then, realizing that she had no
chance of escaping her fate, took the knife out of his lifeless
hands and attacked the Mongol with it.
The Mongol, however, just rode into her and the force of the
impact threw her to the ground and
knocked her senseless. Without ever
leaving his horse, he bowed down and grabbed her by the waist,
putting her on the saddle in front of him. He summoned his men
and swiftly like the wind they rode away back to their camp.
Upon arrival, the Mongol commander
immediately put the precious prisoner into his tent, because he
had big plans with her and did not want the other commanders
know what a valuable booty he had brought. During their ride
back to the camp, it had occurred to him that giving the woman
to one of his immediate superiors might
be a waste. After all, she was young and beautiful, with blonde
hair and because she was just
married, probably even a virgin. And so he hatched a plan to use
her to jump way ahead in the order of the Mongol society by
presenting her as a gift not to his immediate masters, but to
his superior lord, the Khan.
And so, when night fell and his men lay all
drunk around the campfires, he saddled a few horses, put the
bound and gagged woman on one and silently rode into the night
towards the camp of the Khan. After a few days they finally
reached the city of Serai, where the Khan of the Golden Horde
resided. Under the false pretence of carrying important news
from his commanders in the north, he got an audience with the
Khan. Once in the presence of his superior lord, he knelt and
confessed that he lied, but only because he was of so
insignificant rank that the guards would not let him pass if he
asked for a regular audience. But, so he pleaded, how could a
loyal and adoring subject show his undying love and devotion to
the Khan, if he was thrown out every time he came to the palace?
To lie about his mission was his only chance to present the Khan
with a special gift.
The plan worked and the Khan, who was moved
by the devotion shown by his subject, allowed him to bring the
gift, and so the Mongol commander, relieved that his gamble had
paid off and that he still had his head on his shoulders,
presented the Russian woman. As he removed the hood that covered
her face, a whisper ran through the room and the Khan too seemed
pleased by the beauty of the young, blonde woman who stood in
front of him. He ordered his courtiers to take her away, wash
her and dress her and prepare her for the night. He then ordered
to give the commander a dozen good horses and a tent near the
palace, so that he was on hand to receive the gratitude of the
Khan after he had the first night with the woman.
Night came, and after a sumptuous meal and
many cups of kymish (=alcoholic beverage out of horse milk), the
Khan retired to his private quarters and ordered that the
Russian woman be brought to him. And as she stood before him, he
ordered her to take off the clothes, but the woman refused.
"I am Kira and from Russian blood. If
you dare to touch me, I will kill you and then I will kill me.
Your men killed my husband and made me a slave and if
that is my fate, I shall endure it. But I will fight for my
dignity, as my country has fought
for its dignity. That is all what's left for us, our lives are
in your hand, but our souls belong to God the Almighty and
cannot be taken by you. I will dance for you, sing for you and
entertain you, but if you ever dare to touch me, I will kill you
and then die like our brave warriors who were slaughtered on the
battlefields."
That she said to the great Khan, who was
stunned and surprised that any living soul would raise their
voices in his presence and even dare
to threaten him that way. But he
was also very impressed by the brave heart, the woman showed and
at first he laughed amused, but then his mood changed and he
ordered that the commander should be brought before him
immediately.
What gift is that, that you bring me, he
asked him with growing anger in his voice
when the drunken commander finally knelt before him. She
threatens to kill me if I laid hand
on her, and by the look in her eyes I know that she tells the
truth, so what good is she for me? And what good is a commander,
who pretends to be devoted and loyal, but cannot even find a
gift that pleases his lord?
And before the terrified commander, who saw
his clever plan disintegrating before his very eyes because of
an apparently suicidal woman, could even answer this rhetorical
question, he found to his great astonishment that his head was
not attached to his body anymore. And as his senses slowly
drifted away into the deep black void of death, he wondered how
a frail Russian woman achieved what dozens of heavily armed
Knights could not do and bring a mighty Mongol warrior to fall.
After this incident, the Russian woman
spent days after days, weeks after weeks, and months after
months in the Khan's harem, but was never called to his quarters
again. She befriended some of the oriental women there and
learned the moves of their dances and the words of their songs.
After a while, she became so good in these exotic ways of
entertainment that the other women became jealous of her.
Furthermore, she had not even to endure the attention of the
Khan all the time, with his octopus-like hands, his stench of
horse manure and kymish and his stinking breath. And so they
told the Khan about her, hoping that because of the defiance she
showed him once, he now would get rid of her. Their hope was,
that the Khan would be ridiculed by her dancing for him, because
that was what she promised him once: I will dance for you but
nothing more! Oh, the devilish minds of women, deceitful and
cruel, always prepared to knit a sinister plan to conspire
against each other!
The Khan had forgotten her soon after the
incident with the headless commander, but remembered who she was
the moment she lifted the veil in the middle of her belly dance
routine. Anxiously, the other women waited for the sword to drop
her, but the Khan just sat there, drank his kymish and followed
her every move with his little, dark, piercing eyes. After the
music ended and the dance was over, he called her to his throne
and said: "So, this is how you keep your promises? Now, you
danced for me, I did not touch you once and we are both still
alive. This makes us even, I think, and because I do not have
any more use for you, I order you to leave this city and the
realm of the Golden Horde and never come back."
And so the woman was escorted to the
borders of the realm of the Golden Horde and released into the
world. She knew, that there was no way back for her to the
village, her husband was dead and her relatives probably thought
that she was dead, too. The only way for her was to use her
newfound talents and try to survive as a belly dancer in the
exotic cities of the Caliphs, Sultans and Maharajas of the
Orient and so she turned south to seek a new life. But that is
another story, told on another day. |
|
|
The
Story of the dreadful Mistress of Death Alessandra da Ferrara
Faithfully
recorded by Falko von der Weser
Italy
brought culture and progress to Europe, it produced great poetry
and music, and was the cradle and the flower of civilization.
But
Italy also brought a dark mistress of destruction, deceit,
murder and betrayal into the world. A world, nonetheless, where
the idealism of Chivalry was still alive and womanhood was
regarded a fragile and delicate flower, worthy of protection by
noble men. One woman, however, proved this common notion wrong,
for she was never in need of protection by any man, but many men
shivered in fear when her name was even whispered.
Alessandra
da Ferrara was born as the seventh child of a rich and powerful
silk merchant.
It
was rumored that her mother’s pregnancy was more a product of
a short, but passionate encounter with a visiting knight than
anything else, and thus her father saw Alessandra more as a mere
commodity in his business endeavors than a real daughter.
And
so, when she was fourteen and finally old enough for marriage,
he looked for the most profitable occasion. By that time she
already had blossomed into a beautiful but somewhat
strong-headed young woman. Her shining blond hair and iridescent
eyes had the suitors lining up very quickly. The auction that
her father staged to find a husband and to maximize his profit
was won by an influential, but old and silly Venetian patrician,
who sought a little distraction from the woes of his daily
business in the arms of a young woman. The wedding was
celebrated the same day, and when the next morning dawned, the
old man lay dead in the bed and his young wife was gone.
Also
disappeared was a young servant, who Alessandra apparently had
persuaded to kill her new husband. Many said, that instead of
the old Venetian Patrician, the young servant would eventually
enjoy the sweet fruits of the wedding night and that this was
his compensation.
Infuriated
by the fact that he had to pay back all the auction money to the
family of the Venetian, and a sizable amount on top of that to
appease them and avoid a bloody vendetta, Alessandra’s father
sent his henchmen out to catch her, dead or alive.
To
get her hands on some much needed money for her flight, she
eventually sold the young servant, who was hopelessly obsessed
by her, into slavery.
After
this, the following years are shrouded in mystery and no one can
say what Alessandra endured and what she did exactly. She
managed to disappear into the vast underground of society, where
she learned valuable lessons and survival skills. It is rumored,
that she joined a troupe of traveling musicians and actors for a
few years, and after that she even became a mercenary in the
private army of a southern German noble man.
But
soon enough, she was back in Italy and tried to begin a new
life, by posing as a widowed noble woman in search of a new
husband. Her undeniable womanly attributes helped her to find a
rich suitor quickly, and she was preparing the wedding already,
when an attempt was made to kill her. But instead, she killed
the assassin, who tried to strangle her in her sleep, by
stabbing him in the eye with a dagger she always had under her
pillow.
She
had good reason to suspect the wrath of her implacable father
behind this. Evidently, he never had forgiven her betrayal and
was still looking for her, and eventually she realized that the
only way to ever find peace in her life, she had to stop hiding
and take measures into her own hands.
It
was on a sunny and mild spring day, in an Inn in the city of
Pavia, where her father and his entourage had stopped to get
some food and some rest after a successful visit to the local
market. Suddenly, after his second cup of wine, the old man
began to choke and clasping his throat. His body shook in
violent waves of pain, his eyes were bulging out of their
sockets and his lips and tongue turned purple. None of the
shocked bystanders was able to help him and after a few minutes,
his cries changed into a pathetic whining while he was laying on
the ground writhed with pain. Then he took a long last gasp, his
hands helplessly waving in the air and his eyes full of
astonished shock and disbelieve, and the last thing his dying
mind recognized was his daughter, who was standing by the door
in a black haired wig, staring at him with the cold eyes of an
assassin.
After
this episode, Alessandra realized that she could use her deadly
talents not only to protect herself, but also to earn a living.
After all, who would suspect foul play from a beautiful,
cultivated and innocent looking woman? She was a master in
disguise, knew the art of toxic potions, was trained in mortal
combat and had long lost all her moral inhibitions.
And
so she offered her services discretely to all who could afford
her expensive talents, but could not afford to be connected to a
certain person’s untimely demise.
She
killed Generals of opposing armies, Senators who would not
oblige to certain business proposals from powerful merchants,
unwanted heirs of family fortunes, dangerous competitors for
Duchies or Counties, and unfaithful husbands and wives and their
lovers.
If
her victims were young and good looking, she liked to seduce
them, take them to bed with her and then smother them after they
fell asleep. Old men and women she often killed by poisoning
their meals or pushing them from towers, terraces or out of
windows.
But
at some times, she just used brute force and stabbed, clubbed or
sliced her victims to death.
How
many people she sent to death is not known, but eventually her
reputation of never failing spread in certain circles of
society, although no one knew her real identity.
Even
the French King, Philip IV the fair, heard from her and when the
time came to strike a blow against Pope Boniface VIII, with whom
he was entangled in a heated dispute over church taxes, he
remembered her.
His
request for help could not have come at a better time for
Alessandra, for her coffers were seriously depleted. All she
earned, she spent immediately, never knowing whether there was
another day to live and love and enjoy all the things money
could buy. Furthermore, she had been rather careless lately in
choosing her ever-changing lovers, and one of those had robbed
her in her sleep, so she was in dire need of money.
Together
with Guillaume de Nogaret, a confidant of the French King, she
hatched a plan to seize the Pope. They knew, that in times of
danger or great aggravation, the Pope would always leave Rome
and go to his hometown of Anagni, where he felt safe in a little
convent, run by a cousin of his.
The
plan was for Alessandra to join the convent and open the gates
for the French when the time came.
Alas,
although she was successful in getting accepted into the convent
with the help of a sizable monetary contribution, it was soon
discovered that she was not serious about becoming a nun. Her
libido could not be subdued for a prolonged period of time soon
she sought male companionship in the form of the blind gardener.
Their
improper relationship was discovered by two nuns, who threatened
to reveal what they had seen to the Mother Superior. But before
they had the chance for that, both nuns were dead. They found
one with a broken neck in the well, the other drowned in a water
butt. Even the poor gardener did not survive this night, because
he apparently hanged himself after killing the two nuns. A
hastily ordered investigation revealed proof of him having been
involved in unchaste affairs with the two nuns, and it was
obvious for the investigators, that the devil had his hands in
all this. Sometimes, the devil appears in the shape of a
beautiful woman, and without knowing the whole truth, the
investigators were correct in a strange and obscure way.
To
avoid a big scandal, everything was kept a secret and Alessandra
from then on refrained from any activity that could jeopardize
her mission. For several weeks, she lived the chaste and modest
life of a novice, prayed and worked, slept and did no harm to
any living soul.
Then,
finally the day came when the French decided to strike. They
staged an uprising under the poor citizen of Rome and the Pope,
who was a fearful man, driven by inner demons and always
suspicious of the power of the lower classes, panicked and left
his palace under heavy guard for the alleged safety of the
convent in Anagni.
The
French, who just were a handful of men, knew that they could not
risk it to attack the convoy on the march. Their orders were to
catch the Pope alive and avoid unnecessary bloodshed. But they
had their hidden trump card in the very walls of the convent and
so they waited patiently for Alessandra to do her part in this
conspiracy.
But
that was easier said than done, because the Pope’s men guarded
all gates to the convent, so Alessandra had to revert to
trickery and seduction one more time to gain success.
In
the middle of the night, when everybody was sound asleep, she
approached a small gate on the Westside of the wall, where only
one man was stationed.
“Have
mercy and let me through, my dear darling waits for me in the
town”, she said and smiled intriguingly.
The
guard seemed not very inclined to honor this request and only
shook his head.
With
a coy look, she pulled back her cape and revealed a simple, low
cut linen dress, which only scantily disguised the splendor
underneath.
“If
you let me through now”, Alessandra said with a notorious
smile, “I promise you a moment in paradise when I come
back.”
The
guardsman, who could not withstand the magnificent sight of her
voluptuous cleavage, and the promising prospect of burying his
face in it, opened the door and was immediately overwhelmed by
French soldiers, who had been waiting outside.
“You
have done your duty, Madam”, said Guillaume de Nogaret with an
amused smile on his face, “and if you wish to double your pay,
you could give what you promised to this unfortunate guard to me
later tonight.”
“Monsieur”,
Alessandra replied, “this remark would normally cost you a
valuable part of your anatomy. Pay me for my help, our contract
ends here and now. Any further involvement with me, you would
not survive.”
With
that, she collected her money, turned around and disappeared
into the night.
“What
a shame”, de Nogaret said to his lieutenant with a grin on his
face, “the most beautiful flower in the garden is also the
most deadly. But come on now, we have business to do”.
That
night, the French abducted the Pope, brought him to France,
eventually forced him to abdicate and installed one of their own
on the papal throne in the new papal residence in Avignon.
Feeling,
that Italy was not the safest place for her anymore, Alessandra
turned west, to France. But there she was greeted with cold
reluctance, and she was strongly advised to leave as soon as
possible, because her presence was seen as an unwanted reminder
of the Pope’s unlawful abduction. As the old saying goes, they
love the treachery, but despises the traitor.
Also,
she heard rumors of a very sizable bounty put on her head by the
Pope’s loyal followers in Italy, and so she rightfully deemed
Europe as not safe anymore.
And
so, Alessandra turned east and headed for Constantinople. But
her ship never reached this magnificent city. A storm diverted
it to the coast of the Holy Land and they finally landed in
Tripoli.
What
Alessandra did not know was, that she was recognized there by a
Venetian trader, who brought the news of her whereabouts home.
To
blend in and disappear from the face of the earth for some time,
until she could return to Europe, she bought a little house in
the city and dressed in the local fashion.
The
bounty hunters, who were sent after her, found her nevertheless.
They ambushed her in a small alley one day, and although she put
up a fierce fight, it seemed as if this time the luck had left
her.
But
suddenly, a little group of men and women came out of a house
just behind her. A blond woman, apparently the leader of the
group, did not hesitate and ordered her male entourage to help
the woman, who was obviously harassed by bandits.
The
men threw away their drums and drew their daggers. The bandits,
realizing, that they did not stand a chance against the fierce
and determined looking men, let go of her and ran away.
As
it turned out, the blonde woman was a refugee herself. She came
from Russia, where she was abducted by Mongols, but set free
eventually by their Khan. Since then, she had wandered the
endless deserts of the Orient and earned her living now as the
leader of a little troupe of entertainers, dancers and drummers
she had assembled during her travels.
They
were on the way to Egypt, to perform at the court of the Sultan
Nasser Mohamed Ben Qalawoon and invited her to join them.
Alessandra,
who knew that the bounty hunters would eventually come back to
get her, agreed and so she joined the little troupe.
And
that is all, I can tell you for now about the dark mistress of
death, Alessandra da Ferrara.
|
|
|
The
Story of Falko von der Weser, the Pied Piper and a forever lost
love
Faithfully
recorded by Magister Absalom Exactor
As
the times are changing, so does humanity. The virtues of
knighthood are disappearing faster than raindrops vanish in a
river, the cities grow ever more powerful and bigger and
emancipate themselves from the rule of their former sovereigns,
the artisan is more appreciated than the warrior, the merchant
is richer than the country squire has ever been, and pale,
spectacled scholars rule the world with books now, instead of
the once mighty knights with their swords.
But
fortunately, the masters of the manor at the Weserbogen had
recognized the signs of the changing times early, and they were
well equipped for the new era.
In
the year 1281 A.D., his father sent the young Falko von der
Weser to London, to help his uncle in his business ventures
there and to learn the art of trading in the realms of the
Hanseatic League. But soon, the young Falko got bored with the
work as a merchant. He borrowed some money from his uncle and
began to study the seven free arts at the nearby University of
Cambridge. Two years he stayed there before he went back home.
But soon enough he took off again, this time to finish his
studies at famous University in Naples.
On
his way to Italy, one day he met a rather strange fellow in a
roadside Inn, who called himself the Pied piper. He was dressed
in a shockingly red dress, and the people said, that he was
possessed by the devil. His custom, they said, was to put the
people under a spell by playing his flute, and then rob them or
even murder them.
Falko
became curious and followed the Pied piper when he left the Inn
in the evening. The sun had almost disappeared behind
surrounding hills, when he spotted the red dressed fellow
talking to an old man on the road, who was carrying a golden
amulet around his neck. Suddenly, the Pied piper began to play
his flute and the old man fell down as if hit by a lightning
bolt.
As
the Piper kneeled down to take the golden amulet, Falko stepped
out of the shadow of the tree, behind which he had been hiding,
drew his dagger and stormed forward.
“You
bastard, you thief”, he shouted angrily, ”let’s see
whether your blood is as red as your dress!”
The
Piper was surprised by the sudden attack, and so he jumped up
and ran away, loosing the flute from his belt.
“You
better watch out”, the Piper cried out from a distance, “you
better always watch your back, because from now on, I will wait
for you in the shadows.”
And
with that, the dreadful man disappeared into the woods. In the
meantime, the old man had regained consciousness, and he thanked
Falko for his help and gave him a few Florins to show his
gratitude.
But
Falko was more interested in the flute the Piper had dropped as
he ran away and before long he found it. However, this was no
ordinary musical instrument, as he soon discovered. At the one
end, it had a mouthpiece, but at the other end, it had several
tiny holes. When Falko blew into the mouthpiece, not only a
rather dreadful tune escaped the flute, but also a fine mist of
vapor came out at the other end.
“That
is, how he does it”, Falko said to himself, “he knocks them
out with a soporific potion!”
He
smashed the devilish flute with a big stone into many pieces and
then went on with his journey to Naples.
His
route led him to Trentino, where he visited his Italian
relatives. They were involved in one of the many disputes
between the cities of northern Italy at this time, and requested
him to join their fight against the City of Pisa, with which
they and the City of Genoa were at war. During his time with the
Hanseatic League, Falko had learnt the art of seamanship, and as
he was a member of a prominent and noble family, he was made the
captain of one of the numerous vessels of the Genoese fleet. In
the great naval battle of Meloria in 1284 A.D. he captured two
ships by cunning and deceit. He let his men appear to be dead
and the ship defenseless and out of control, and as the enemy
tried to board them, they would surprise the Genoese and conquer
their ship instead.
Although
he proved his bravery in the battle, some noble Knights scorned
him for not following the ideals of chivalrous behavior. But
Falko only said to them, that the Lord gave men the mind as a
weapon, to provide even odds against those with a bigger sword.
At
the same time, as Falko was in Italy obtaining honor and fame,
conquering ships and the heart of many a fine maiden, back home
in the City of Hameln a truly evil piece of devilry was
happening.
The
wicked Pied piper had come to town and he promised the city
council to rid the city of all rats, which where a menace in the
streets and houses of the city, if they would pay him what he
demanded. And the city council agreed to this, because they did
not know how else to get rid of the rodents. And so the Pied
piper played his flute, and put all the rats under a spell and
they followed him into the river Weser, where they all drowned.
The people rejoiced, but then the city council refused to pay
the Piper, for he was only a traveling musician and as such had
no rights after all, and they chased him out of the city with
scorn and contempt. And the Piper vowed vengeance against them,
and so he came back one Sunday morning, when all good people
were in church, and this time he played his flute and all the
children of Hameln followed his spell. He led them out of the
city and into a big mountain, and they were never seen again.
The
mourning of the parents cannot be described, and messengers were
sent out to search for the Pied piper, but to no avail. The evil
flute player, who clearly was a minion of the devil, or even the
devil himself, just had disappeared from the face of the earth,
and with him the children of Hameln.
On
his way back from Italy, the Falko came along a dark and dense
forest, when he suddenly heard the lovely tunes of a flute. He
followed the alluring melodies and came to a clearing in the
woods, where he saw no other than the evil Pied piper playing
his devilish instrument. To his feet, a young girl was lying and
she appeared to be dead.
“This
will be your last concert, you mischievous sprite”, Falko said
grimly and armed his crossbow.
As
the Pied piper discovered Falko, it was already too late.
Although he tried to flee again, the bolt from Falko’s
crossbow reached him and pierced his evil heart before he could
even make one step.
With
an astonished look on his face, he clutched his chest and tried
to pull out the bolt, and in doing so, he stumbled a few steps
and then suddenly the ground beneath him opened and swallowed
him.
This
was a big surprise for Falko. Could it be, that this creature
was a demon after all? Carefully, Falko walked over to the spot
where the Piper had disappeared and then broke out into loud
laughter.
The
Piper had fallen into a deep rift in the stony ground, which was
covered with bushes and leafs and thus was not immediately
visible. There he was lying, twisted and tangled and just to
make sure he was really dead, Falko shot another bolt through
his head.
Then
he took the dead girl to the next village, where her parents had
waited vainly for her return.
So
ended the mischievous creature that was known as the Pied piper.
But when the Falko told this story when he finally was back
home, mourning and wailing ensued, because although the Pied
piper had finally gone to hell, he also had taken the knowledge
about the whereabouts of the children of Hameln forever with
him. And Falko, although he did not get any blame for his
actions, because when he did killed the Piper, he had not known
about the tragedy of the children, was full of grieve and soon
he went away again to the western parts of the Holy Roman
Empire, where he hoped to find a way to appease his guilt get
his inner peace back.
In
the year 1288 A.D. he fought with his crossbow and his mind at
the side of the Count von Berg together with the populace of
Cologne against the greedy Archbishop Siegfried. The battle of
Worringen, which the contemptible parson lost, brought the city
of Cologne freedom from his rule and made her subject to the
Emperor only. Falko stayed in the Rhineland, where he
accompanied the German King Rudolf of Habsburg, who fought there
against the roguish robber knights until his much too early
death in the year 1291 A.D. During this campaign, no less than
sixty-six of their castles were destroyed and twenty-nine of
these violators of the holy peace were hanged, a fate which they
had brought upon themselves by living a life of sin. Falko spent
the following three years in the Hanseatic City of Lübeck,
which is known to all humanity as the jewel of the Baltic Sea.
He conducted business for the family there, until he was forced
out of the town because of an ill-fated love to the daughter of
a very rich merchant. In the year 1295 A.D., when the City of
Minden received the lucrative privilege to be admitted into the
Hanseatic League, he had an impure relationship with a married
woman, which forced him out of this town as well, and he just
barely escaped the vengeance of the cuckold.
Soon
after this escapade, the Falko went back to the western part of
the Empire, this time as a Herald at the court of the new German
King, Adolf von Nassau. But this man was a despicable caricature
a king, who allied the Empire for bribes at the same time to the
King of England and the King of France, who were at war with
each other at that time. But he never kept his promises to
either one of them and this whole affair brought a great
dishonor upon the Empire and the German Kingship. Falko truly
despised this man and he certainly would have left the court,
but he had fallen in love with one of the Queen’s Ladies in
Waiting. When the King heard about messages sent by Falko to the
Duke of Saxony, whose loyal vassal he was, he feared that those
contained a description of his two faced treaties with England
and France.
And
because he feared that Falko could be used as a witness against
him, should the prince-electors of the Empire put him to trial
for his treacherous acts, he had Falkos meal poisoned. Alas, the
lady of his heart ate the meal instead and died soon thereafter
in great pain. Now, the murderer Adolf von Nassau sent out his
constables to catch Falko, whom he accused of killing the noble
lady out of jealousy. Just barely did Falko escape and he went
back to Saxony, where the Duke gave him protection. He vowed
vengeance, and sure enough, soon he should have vengeance! But
first, the seven German prince-electors had seen enough of the
traitor and murderer Adolf von Nassau and they deposed him as
King of the Germans in the year 1298 A.D.
Needless
to say, that the rotten murderer Adolf von Nassau did not like
this at all, and so he mustered an army and challenged the newly
elected King Albrecht von Habsburg to fight for the crown. The
battle took place on the Hasenbühl near Göllheim.
And
in the midst of the raging battle, suddenly the Falko, who was
leading a band of Saxon crossbow men, saw the Coat of Arms of
the swine Adolf von Nassau. The coward was galloping away from
the battle, and his path led him directly to the little ravine,
where Falko and his men were lying in an ambush. No less than
fifteen crossbow-bolts, undoubtedly guided by the Hand of the
Lord, pierced the armor of the rat Adolf von Nassau and sent him
to hell where he belonged. And so Falko had his vengeance, but
he felt no satisfaction. He would have given his own life if
this had resurrected his lady.
The
new king Albrecht von Habsburg eventually won the battle and put
Falko under his protection, because the family of the former
king now wanted vengeance for his death by a lowly crossbow man.
It was concluded that Falko, although under the protection of
the King, was not safe in the Holy Roman Empire anymore, because
the family of the dead traitor was mighty and had many friends
and allies.
And
so Falko was sent away by his King to wait far away for the day
to return. He traveled to Egypt as an emissary to the Sultan,
loaded with precious gifts and correspondence from the German
King.
But
how far is far enough? Nobody can ever know what his fate will
be and thus it is useless to be afraid of the future. It could
bring you riches and fame or let you die in the gutter. However,
those who have faith in themselves and trust the mercy of the
Lord will eventually be rewarded.
Falko
spent several years at the court of the Sultan, until a strange
little troupe of entertainers performed there one day. They
stirred up quite an excitement at the court, where nobody had
seen those kind of dances performed by European women before.
Only with some effort from the royal guards was it possible to
hold back all the Egyptian noblemen, who wanted to make certain
proposals to them.
The
Sultan, who had enjoyed the performances of the troupe very
much, recognized that without a certain degree of protection the
troupe would not make it very far out of the palace. And so he
charged Falko, because he was a European too, with the duty to
escort them safely through his lands. Additionally, Falko was by
now versed in the courtly rituals of the Islamic world, and
could act as an envoy for the troupe at the various courts they
were invited to.
And
so the German Falko von der Weser joined this strange band of
dancers, drummers and entertainers and traveled with them
through the mysterious vastness which is the Orient. |
|
|
The
deadly Codpiece
As
the sun rises up each morning in the east, and sinks into the night
every evening in the west, so life is a constant up and down for us
mortal creatures of God.
My
fortunes brought me great riches one day, whereas the next day I barely
escaped the Grim Reaper. But through all times, good or bad, I always
had the great luck to never get bored with my life. During my numerous
adventures in foreign lands, I made the acquaintance of many fine men,
but also of the most evil characters you can imagine. What I saw and
heard on these journeys, I am writing down now, as my days are clearly
numbered, to entertain you, amuse you and maybe even teach you a lesson
or two.
My
name is Cord von Bollenhusen, the profession is soldier of fortune. I
came early to that bloody trade, when my mother, God might bless her
soul, had to sell me, when I was still a young boy, to a Landsknecht
Captain as personal servant to pay off the debt my father had brought on
the family with his addiction to gambling, alcohol and cheap women.
That
was more than forty years ago, and since then I became a Captain myself,
fought many battles, killed many brave men on the battlefield and even
more cowards, who tried to run away from my deadly two-hand sword. But
now I am lying here, feeling my life running out through the wounds the
damned Swiss gave me in a battle a few days ago, so I have to hurry to
finish my worldly businesses.
I
remember another battle, a siege really, in distant days when I was
younger and my sword was sought by many princely warlords to help them
win their futile wars against each other.
It
was in the year of our Almighty Lord, 1512, when I was part of a large
contingency of Landsknechts in the army of the French commander Gaston
de Foix. We besieged the old town of Ravenna in Italy, and camp life was
boring and tedious as usual.
I
had become friends with some rogue men from all over Europe, and when we
were not gambling our money away, we sat around having some wine and
telling stories to each other.
“You
know”, said Tomas, who came from Sweden and had hair that glistened in
the sun, and eyes as blue as the deepest lake, “I once knew an Iberian
by the name of Juan Tomas Navarro el Nochelobo, who suffered a strange
fate. We were traveling out of Le Havre enroute to London, on a stout
carrack named ‘Insolent Minx’ under English colors, when we, and
several of her crew, saw a most wondrous sight: three mermaids chasing
each other as they played in the waves. When they saw us, they waved and
approached the ship, and one, an enchantingly beautiful redhead, went as
far as to climb the side and cling to the gunwale as she checked her
hair in the mirror that was Juan's freshly polished codpiece.
Seeing
the three beautiful creatures, Juan was overcome by emotion and after
telling me that he never has seen such beautiful creatures before, he
threw himself over the side. A strong swimmer, he made idle chat with
them for a while, but in a fit of laughter he lost his stroke and began
to sink. He nearly recovered, but the pawing hands of the aquatic nymphs
were too much for him, and he sank, dragged to the bottom of the sea by
the weight of his codpiece. Fellows, don’t you think that this is a
much more desirable end, than being hacked into pieces on the
battlefield, which will likely be our fate one of these days?”
We
all laughed and made jokes about the stupidity of the Iberian, when
Leonardo, a small but wiry Italian musketeer began to speak :
“Well,
as poetic and romantic this story might be, I too heard about this
foolish Iberian. But my story is very different, and trust me, there
were no mermaids involved!
I’ve
been told that this proud and insolent Spaniard Juan with the long name
climbed on top of the forecastle one day when the ship was approaching
the English coast, drew his rapier, pointed it towards the sky and
shouted from the top of his lungs "I am the King of the
World"!
As
we all very well know, there are several kings in this world, but none
of those ever dared to claim the kingship for the whole world!
This
act of shameless audacity certainly had to anger the Almighty, who truly
is the real and only King of the World, and so He sent a lightning bolt
from the heaven towards the earth, which struck Juan's rapier and
knocked him overboard. Once in the water, his gigantic codpiece pulled
him down and he disappeared silently in the vast gray ocean.
And
all the passengers and the crew of the ship were frozen by the horror of
what they just had witnessed and for the remainder of the journey, there
was not spoken a single word onboard.”
“Wait
a moment, my dear friend”, said Tomas the Swede amidst all the ensuing
laughter, “had I not seen it with my own eyes, and had Juan Tomas been
Spanish, instead of Basque, then I would believe your version to be
closer to the truth of the matter, for we all know that the Spanish are
insolent braggarts with delusions of grandeur, while the Basque are
mild, to the point of humility, with a true understanding of proper
behavior before God and their fellow man. And quite frankly, I think
this sounds more like something Hawk would do!”
Everybody
went silent immediately, because the so accused was known for his lack
of humor. He was a sleek, dark fellow from Aragon who could gut a man
with his stiletto while he was reciting an ancient Greek poem about true
love.
But
he just smiled faintly and said : “Not that I wouldn’t dare to
challenge the devil, or his heavenly counterpart if it had to be, never
would I wear such a frivolous accessory like a codpiece!”
Relieved,
that he let his dagger in the sheath and showed some humor, we laughed
and he kept on :”But you know, you are both wrong, because only I know
the real fate of that Iberian Juan with the long name and the shining
codpiece. Once, when I was in Turkish captivity, a fellow prisoner told
me the story of his demise. And believe me, nor was there any godly act
involved, neither were mermaids. Well, that is, at least, if you stick
to the common interpretation of that term.”
With
that, he grinned rather diabolically, took a sip of wine and kept on
:”The Turks are known for their bad taste when it comes to the arts,
and that is especially true for their music. It’s dissonant, awfully
beside every note, a real concerto of dying cats and dogs. But there is
one special form of music, they actually excel in, alas for a rather
barbaric reason. They have male soprano singers, whose voices are so
high that it is said, they can touch the clouds and let it rain. Well,
that maybe a typical Turkish embellishment, but trust me, I’ve heard
them singing and it sounds like a choir of angels. Unfortunately, the
singers are not born with such marvelous voices, but they develop those
only after their testicles have been cut off when they were boys.”
He
looked around, saw our disgust, and with a little smile, he took another
sip of wine.
“Those
poor bastards are called ‘Castrati’, and one of my fellow inmates
belonged to this class of people. He was a disgusting, short, ugly, fat
man with man-boobs and a bald head, an appearance which was very common
with his people, he assured me in a somewhat high pitched voice.
And
he told me the real story of the Iberian Juan, who was traveling not
from Le Havre to London, but from Toulouse to Naples. They were at sea
for three or four days, when a sudden fog appeared, and the captain told
them, that they now all had to go under deck and wear plugs of wax in
their ears, which they eventually did, after some resistance. Being
notoriously curious, Juan asked one of the crew why this strange order
was given and the man told him, that they soon would pass an island,
where Sirens lived who lured the unsuspecting sailor ashore with their
beautiful singing, only to kill and eat every poor soul who followed
this temptation.”
Hawk
paused shortly to fill his empty cup, when some of us suddenly burst
into laughter.
“My
good friend, what are you trying to do to us? This is the story of
Ulysses and the Sirens, which is well known for many hundred years!”
But
Hawk just smiled again and said : “Young fellows, I applaud your
knowledge of the ancient Greek stories! But don’t be so fast in your
judgment and let me finish, for it might look like an old story at
first, but trust me, this will drastically change once we move along.”
Anxious
to hear the rest, we stopped talking to each other and waited for him to
continue.
“So,
Sirens, eh? This I must hear with my two own ears, Juan said to himself
and to achieve this goal he bribed the captain to tie him to the main
mast without wax in his ears. And so it was done. Juan was tied to the
mast with a thick, strong rope so tightly that he was barely able to
breathe. And soon enough, a lovely sound fulfilled the air, a sound of
thousand nightingales, tender like the wings of butterflies it poured
into Juan’s ears. At first, he was amazed and delighted, and enjoyed
this beautiful music, which seemingly came directly from an earthly
paradise. But after awhile he began to try to get out of the rope and he
screamed, he begged and he promised great riches, if only the crew would
untie the rope. But they just laughed at him and this only made him even
more mad, and he cursed them with evil words and promised to kill them
all if they would not cut him loose immediately.
But
suddenly, out of the blue skies, a lightning bolt struck down, cut right
through the rope and thus set the raging Juan free. With a triumphant
howl, he drew his rapier and forced the terrified crew, to bring one of
the boats to water. You fools, he shouted as he rowed towards the shore
of a little island, go on with your miserable lives, while I will spend
the rest of my days with those marvelous creatures in a land where milk
and honey flows! And with this, he burst out in mad laughter, while the
ship slowly disappeared into the fog.”
“So
this is the sad end of Juan?”, asked Leonardo, seemingly somewhat
disgusted, “Not very impressive.”
“Again,
you are premature, my friend”, said Hawk, who just had emptied his
third or fourth cup of wine. He opened another bottle, poured the thick,
red nectar in his cup and continued with a truly diabolical grin on his
face.
“Soon,
the singing and the music grew louder and louder, and that only
stimulated Juan to row even faster, until the boat finally hit the
ground. He jumped out, and without any hesitation, Juan ran towards the
beautiful voices, which now were very near. Full of joy and anticipation
he ran up the beach, through a little forest, swam through a river,
scaled a mountain and then, suddenly, in a little valley there was a
clearing and there they appeared : six monstrous, ugly, bald headed,
fat, half naked men with blubbering boobs and high voices –
Castrati!”
For
a second, we looked at each other in disbelieve, then we all burst out
into loud laughter.
“Well,
this is just very typical for a Spaniard”, shouted one of the
comrades, ”they go out to conquer a beautiful siren and all they get
is a male soprano!”
I
have to admit that I laughed so hard, that wine, bread and poultry all
came flying out of my mouth, my nose and quite possibly also my ears.
“As
you can imagine, Juan was not very pleased with what he saw”, Hawk
continued after we had calmed down a little, “because not only was he
stranded now on this tiny island with half a dozen fat, ugly men instead
of milk, honey and beautiful sirens. No, what was even more disastrous
was that those Castrati actually saw him as a welcome addition to their
sparse menu, and immediately began to chase him. And so he again scaled
a mountain, swam through a river, ran through a little forest and down
to the beach, all the while the marvelously fast and nimble, but still
ugly and half naked men tried to catch him. Needless to say, that Juan
reached the beach at the end of his strength, where he was shocked to
discover that in the meanwhile his boat was a good half a mile away from
the shore. In his hurry to get to the source of the wonderful music, he
had not tied it down, and the waves had swept it away. But he had no
time to lament his fate, because the wild bunch of ugly naked men
stormed towards him and so he saw his only chance for escape in trying
to swim to the boat. So he ran into the sea, barely escaping his
pursuers, and he was about half between the shore and the boat as he
began to feel his strength running out. Desperately he struggled to
reach the boat, but to no avail. If only he could get rid of the
gigantic codpiece, he would be able to make it – but his fingers had
no strength left to untie it. Still fighting to get it loose, he sank to
the ground, the boat almost in arm’s length. And so he found his end
– chased by Castrati and drowned by his codpiece.”
With
this, Hawk emptied another cup of wine and with now relatively glazed
eyes, he remarked, “And you remember the Castrati from my Turkish
prison cell? He was one of those on the island, where Sultan had banned
them years ago for killing and eating one of his favorite mistresses.
But because they gave the Sultan so much pleasure with their heavenly
voices, he decided not to kill them instantly, but ship them to a
deserted island where they would undoubtedly eat each other after
awhile. But then came this stupid Iberian and now they finally saw their
chance to leave the island, so they rested a little at the beach and
then swam to the boat and sailed away - right into the arms of a Turkish
pirate, who promptly sold them to the Sultan, who decided that they
should rot in prison until the end of the world, now. And so I had the
dubious honor to share a prison cell with one those man eating castrati,
and just to keep me awake and not give him a chance to feast on me, I
began to tell him some stories of my adventurous life while I was
digging an escape tunnel and after awhile he started to tell me some
stories of his own life. And I guess, he is still there in this prison
cell, because when I finished the tunnel, he was still to fat to crawl
through and got stuck in the middle.”
He
starred into the air for a moment, gulped and farted loudly, and then
slowly fell down on his back, where he remained for the rest of the day.
“Well,
although the Spaniard is a very honorable man, I am afraid that his
version of the story is not what really happened.”
He,
who spoke so was a slim, pale, bald man from Bavaria, who everyone only
knew by his nickname : the cat-gutter.
“I
once sailed with a Spanish captain to explore unknown and strange
countries, and one of my shipmates told me the story of an Iberian named
Juan with a gigantic codpiece, who found his death in a most unusual
way.”
“What
can be more unusual than being chased by castrati into the sea and
drowning because of the weight of the codpiece?”, Leonardo asked and
shook his head laughing.
“Well,
he drowned because the codpiece dragged him down to the bottom of the
sea, alright”, answered the cat-gutter, ”but who did he got into the
water in the first place? Well, I will tell you, how. The ship was at
sea for many days, the last sight of the shoreline had already vanished
into the mist, when suddenly a school of whales appeared beside the
ship. Immediately everybody ran to the side of the ship to watch these
marvelous and frightening creatures, who could swallow a man in one
seating, so big are they. And as they stood there, one of the men
brought up the question, whether one could ride those creatures, because
they clearly were big enough to accommodate a grown man and if it was
possible to steer them in any way, they could be used like horses on
land.
At
first everybody broke out in laughter, but soon somebody offered a bet
to anyone who would dare to try to ride one of the sea-monsters, and he
began to collect money from the bystanders. But nobody would step
forward and take the challenge, until Juan said that if they would
double the sum, he would not mind trying it. They all cheered and
quickly the sum was doubled. But how to ride such a slippery fish? There
is no harness, no saddle, no mane to hold on to during the ride. We will
shoot a crossbow-bolt into the creature, one of the men said, with a
rope tied at it. This should suffice to give you something to hold on.
And everybody cheered again, and also the captain, who was very
reluctant at first to hurt an animal bigger than his ship, was finally
persuaded by the men to allow it.
If
you double the sum once again, said Juan, I will not only ride the
whale, but do so standing up, with my feet on its back instead by of my
butt. Naturally, the men were eager to see such a spectacle and sum was
brought up in no time. Then the crossbow was prepared and a boat was
lowered into the sea, to row Juan and the shooter into position.
They
reached the whales and Juan shouted to the crossbowman, friend, let us
take the white one over there. And so they rowed near the great white
whale and the crossbowman shot the bolt, but he did not hit the back of
the creature, but the eye instead. Then Juan jumped overboard, the rope
in his hands and pulled himself onto the back of the beast.
The
boat pulled away and from the ship a big cheer was heard as Juan reached
the pinnacle of the whales back. Then he graciously stood up, grabbed
the rope with the right hand and waved to the ship with his left. No
sooner than he heard the applause and the cheers from his shipmates
echoing over the waves, the whale began to accelerate and changed course
toward the ship. With horror, Juan caught a glimpse of the whale’s
hurt eye, and he saw the anger and hatred of the big fish. Faster and
faster the whale swam, and the cheers muted suddenly. Instead, orders
were shouted, as the captain feverishly tried to change course to avoid
a collision with the whale.
But
it was too late. With a horrible hit the beast smashed into the ship’s
hull, ripping it open just below the waterline. All the while Juan was
still riding on the back of the creature, petrified and unable to move.
But when the giant head of the big, white whale struck the ship, he was
thrown off the back and sank into the foaming sea. There, fighting a
futile fight to stay afloat, he saw in horror that the beast
relentlessly hammered the ship with it’s colossal head, until it sank.
And so did Juan, who finally was dragged down by the weight of his
gigantic codpiece. Only the ship’s dog, who found a plank to hold on,
and the carpenter, who crawled into a casket he just that day had
finished for one of the men who had died before, were finally rescued.
The whale, on the other hand, is still out there and some people say
that they saw it wearing a gigantic, shining codpiece over his hurt
eye.”
“I
heard of this big, white whale, too”, shouted one of the comrades, and
everybody looked at each other in disbelief. This was just to fantastic
to be true, but no one dared to contradict the dreaded cat-gutter.
After
a little while of eerie silence, Kenric the Scotsman, who always talked
very slowly with carefully chosen words, said :”Lads, this might be
true or not, I don’t know. But I too heard a story about the untimely
death of the Iberian Juan with the big codpiece.”
“Go
ahead and tell us, Kenric”, the comrades shouted and so he went on.
“The
Iberian Juan was a brave, but not a very wealthy man. And not
particularly intelligent, I might add, as we will see soon. But most of
all, he was known as a man who loved the ladies and the ladies loved him
back, regardless whether they were engaged or even married to another
man. And Juan really did not care about those little non-essential
details, he went through Europe’s female population like a hawk
through a flock of sparrows. This, of course, led to many duels with
cheated husbands, angry brothers or fathers, who tried to restore the
honor of their names by shedding his blood. But Juan, masterful in the
art of adulterous love, was even more proficient with his rapier and so
he left not only a trail of broken, but even pierced and mortally
wounded hearts.
One
day however, his luck ended, as he had an affair with a noble woman in
Paris. As usual, the husband was outraged and would have challenged him
to a duel, but this time he also had gone one step too far with the
lady, who became his mortal enemy the moment she found out, that he had
also an affair with her daughter. So she hired a band of mercenaries to
bring her the head of the unfaithful Juan, who discovered this plot to
kill him just in time so that he could get away on a fast horse. He rode
to the coast, the mercenaries close at his heels, and because of his
hasty departure, he only had the few clothes on him, which he could grab
when the hired killers broke into the room where he was just showing a
maiden some tricks with his rapier. He left all his money, his boots and
everything else behind and now upon his arrival in Calais, he had to
hire on to an English ship as a deckhand to pay for his ticket out of
France and away from the wrath of the angry lady and her hired
assassins.
But
little did he know that he came from the frying pan directly into the
fire. The captain, who went by the name of Charles Laughton, was
infamously known as a tyrannical bastard, who took his pleasure in
torturing the crew for the tiniest of reason. Flogging was a daily
routine and the victims often did not have any idea what they being
punished for. Moreover, the rations were cut in half, and then in half
again and yet once again. The morale sank low and lower, and soon there
was talk about how to get rid of the sadistic man.
A
young fellow by the name of Christian Fletcher took the initiative and
planned a mutiny with some of his lads, one of which was our Juan. The
came up with an elaborate plan to arrest the captain and his henchmen,
set them out at sea in a boat, take over the ship and sail to Sweden,
were they were would sell it and live there until the English law would
not look for them anymore.
But
before they even could get started with the mutiny, they were ratted out
by a fellow for a loaf of bread and a cup of beer. The captain
immediately called in a court of justice and they were found guilty of
treason, mutiny and conspiracy. A long plank was brought out and one
after the other had to walk it, plunging into the dark, cold sea when
they reached the end. Juan was the last to walk the plank, and he did so
with stoic calm, because he already had spotted a Danish sail at the
horizon. He figured, that because they were not tied up and thus could
swim freely, it would be possible for them to be rescued by the Danish
ship. Alas, when he found himself under water eventually, he discovered
to his horror, that he could not reach the surface, because something
was dragging him down. He franticly fought the downward pull, but the
light got darker around him and finally he lost the battle and sank to
the ground. Of course, what he had not taken into account was that he
had gotten so skinny due to the harsh diet which were forced upon them
by the sadistic captain, that his big codpiece generated more downward
pull than his exhausted body could generate buoyancy.
Ironically,
all his lads were eventually saved by the Danish ship, and so would he,
if he had not worn this ridiculously gigantic codpiece.”
This
too was truly an amazing story and we all laughed our guts out, as
Kenrick told it.
Then
after the laughter had died down a little, I said : “So, to sum
it up, all we know for certain is that there was a man from Iberia, Juan
Tomas Navarro el Nochelobo, who drowned because of his heavy
codpiece.”
I
looked around and everybody seemed to agree to that. Than, pouring in
some wine into his cup, Leonardo mumbled : “He probably just got drunk
one night and fell overboard. May God rest his soul.”
With
this, he raised his cup and we all joined him in a cheer for that poor
fellow with the deadly codpiece, which inspired so many stories about
his death. |