Background Stories for SCA Personas
and other Medieval Tales

Although totally fictional, the following stories are embedded in the framework of events, lifestyles and possibilities of their respective cultures and periods. I researched each story, so that the heroes life would fit in the desired timeframe and cultural background. The historical elements (i.e. the Mongol invasion of Russia, the kidnapping of the Pope etc.) are all true - the entwined lives of the protagonists are fictional, but could have happened.

The Story of Kira Samarin
faithfully recorded by Falko von der Weser

 

It was the dark and gruesome time when the Mongols of the Golden Horde ruled over most of Mother Russia. After their victory over the quarrelsome rulers of the Russian principalities, they plundered the land, sacked the cities, murdered the men and enslaved the women. Nothing could be done to stop them and so the Russian people endured their tragic fate with suffering and patience. Their new lords were invincible warriors and merciless masters, and their cruelty was only surpassed by their greed for always more booty.

One day, one of their minor commanders took his men to raid the countryside and they came to a little village, where the local were just about to celebrate a modest wedding ceremony with what little they had left. The bride and groom where dressed in borrowed clothes, because they had could not afford nee wedding dresses. The meal consisted of the remnants of the crop from their burnt fields, there was no meat or poultry on the table because the Mongols had taken every pig, cow or chicken. Just a little fish, freshly caught from the nearby river and a bottle of vodka, which had been hidden from the Mongols' greedy hands, was served.

As the Mongols arrived, the newlyweds had just finished their first dance as husband and wife, and all their guests stood in a big circle and applauded and cheered. Then, someone spotted the terrible men form the steppes on their little shaggy horses approaching and immediately the music stopped and the laughter died. The Mongol commander, always on the prowl for that special gift to please his superiors, saw the bride, her golden hair fluttering in the mild breeze, decorated with a crown of leafs and grasses, and he knew that this was his chance to increase his standings in the Mongol hierarchy.

And while his men went into every house, grabbing everything they might find of any worth, accompanied by the terrified cries and screams of the helpless villagers, he rode straight to the woman. But suddenly her husband jumped before her to protect her, with a kitchen knife from one of the tables in his hands. The Mongol not even slowed down. He just laughed loudly, drew his bow and while the woman tried to draw her husband out of harms way, he shot an arrow straight through the man's heart. Horrified the woman saw her husband die, then, realizing that she had no chance of escaping her fate, took the knife out of his lifeless hands and attacked the Mongol with it.
The Mongol, however, just rode into her and the force of the impact threw
her to the ground and knocked her senseless. Without ever leaving his horse, he bowed down and grabbed her by the waist, putting her on the saddle in front of him. He summoned his men and swiftly like the wind they rode away back to their camp.

Upon arrival, the Mongol commander immediately put the precious prisoner into his tent, because he had big plans with her and did not want the other commanders know what a valuable booty he had brought. During their ride back to the camp, it had occurred to him that giving the woman to one of his immediate superiors might be a waste. After all, she was young and beautiful, with blonde hair and because she was just married, probably even a virgin. And so he hatched a plan to use her to jump way ahead in the order of the Mongol society by presenting her as a gift not to his immediate masters, but to his superior lord, the Khan.

And so, when night fell and his men lay all drunk around the campfires, he saddled a few horses, put the bound and gagged woman on one and silently rode into the night towards the camp of the Khan. After a few days they finally reached the city of Serai, where the Khan of the Golden Horde resided. Under the false pretence of carrying important news from his commanders in the north, he got an audience with the Khan. Once in the presence of his superior lord, he knelt and confessed that he lied, but only because he was of so insignificant rank that the guards would not let him pass if he asked for a regular audience. But, so he pleaded, how could a loyal and adoring subject show his undying love and devotion to the Khan, if he was thrown out every time he came to the palace? To lie about his mission was his only chance to present the Khan with a special gift.

The plan worked and the Khan, who was moved by the devotion shown by his subject, allowed him to bring the gift, and so the Mongol commander, relieved that his gamble had paid off and that he still had his head on his shoulders, presented the Russian woman. As he removed the hood that covered her face, a whisper ran through the room and the Khan too seemed pleased by the beauty of the young, blonde woman who stood in front of him. He ordered his courtiers to take her away, wash her and dress her and prepare her for the night. He then ordered to give the commander a dozen good horses and a tent near the palace, so that he was on hand to receive the gratitude of the Khan after he had the first night with the woman.

Night came, and after a sumptuous meal and many cups of kymish (=alcoholic beverage out of horse milk), the Khan retired to his private quarters and ordered that the Russian woman be brought to him. And as she stood before him, he ordered her to take off the clothes, but the woman refused.

"I am Kira and from Russian blood. If you dare to touch me, I will kill you and then I will kill me. Your men killed my husband and made me a slave and if that is my fate, I shall endure it. But I will fight for my dignity, as my country has fought for its dignity. That is all what's left for us, our lives are in your hand, but our souls belong to God the Almighty and cannot be taken by you. I will dance for you, sing for you and entertain you, but if you ever dare to touch me, I will kill you and then die like our brave warriors who were slaughtered on the battlefields."

That she said to the great Khan, who was stunned and surprised that any living soul would raise their voices in his presence and even dare to threaten him that way. But he was also very impressed by the brave heart, the woman showed and at first he laughed amused, but then his mood changed and he ordered that the commander should be brought before him immediately.

What gift is that, that you bring me, he asked him with growing anger in his voice when the drunken commander finally knelt before him. She threatens to kill me if I laid hand on her, and by the look in her eyes I know that she tells the truth, so what good is she for me? And what good is a commander, who pretends to be devoted and loyal, but cannot even find a gift that pleases his lord?

And before the terrified commander, who saw his clever plan disintegrating before his very eyes because of an apparently suicidal woman, could even answer this rhetorical question, he found to his great astonishment that his head was not attached to his body anymore. And as his senses slowly drifted away into the deep black void of death, he wondered how a frail Russian woman achieved what dozens of heavily armed Knights could not do and bring a mighty Mongol warrior to fall.

After this incident, the Russian woman spent days after days, weeks after weeks, and months after months in the Khan's harem, but was never called to his quarters again. She befriended some of the oriental women there and learned the moves of their dances and the words of their songs. After a while, she became so good in these exotic ways of entertainment that the other women became jealous of her. Furthermore, she had not even to endure the attention of the Khan all the time, with his octopus-like hands, his stench of horse manure and kymish and his stinking breath. And so they told the Khan about her, hoping that because of the defiance she showed him once, he now would get rid of her. Their hope was, that the Khan would be ridiculed by her dancing for him, because that was what she promised him once: I will dance for you but nothing more! Oh, the devilish minds of women, deceitful and cruel, always prepared to knit a sinister plan to conspire against each other!

The Khan had forgotten her soon after the incident with the headless commander, but remembered who she was the moment she lifted the veil in the middle of her belly dance routine. Anxiously, the other women waited for the sword to drop her, but the Khan just sat there, drank his kymish and followed her every move with his little, dark, piercing eyes. After the music ended and the dance was over, he called her to his throne and said: "So, this is how you keep your promises? Now, you danced for me, I did not touch you once and we are both still alive. This makes us even, I think, and because I do not have any more use for you, I order you to leave this city and the realm of the Golden Horde and never come back."

And so the woman was escorted to the borders of the realm of the Golden Horde and released into the world. She knew, that there was no way back for her to the village, her husband was dead and her relatives probably thought that she was dead, too. The only way for her was to use her newfound talents and try to survive as a belly dancer in the exotic cities of the Caliphs, Sultans and Maharajas of the Orient and so she turned south to seek a new life. But that is another story, told on another day.

The Story of the dreadful Mistress of Death Alessandra da Ferrara

Faithfully recorded by Falko von der Weser

 

Italy brought culture and progress to Europe, it produced great poetry and music, and was the cradle and the flower of civilization.

But Italy also brought a dark mistress of destruction, deceit, murder and betrayal into the world. A world, nonetheless, where the idealism of Chivalry was still alive and womanhood was regarded a fragile and delicate flower, worthy of protection by noble men. One woman, however, proved this common notion wrong, for she was never in need of protection by any man, but many men shivered in fear when her name was even whispered.

 

Alessandra da Ferrara was born as the seventh child of a rich and powerful silk merchant.

It was rumored that her mother’s pregnancy was more a product of a short, but passionate encounter with a visiting knight than anything else, and thus her father saw Alessandra more as a mere commodity in his business endeavors than a real daughter.

And so, when she was fourteen and finally old enough for marriage, he looked for the most profitable occasion. By that time she already had blossomed into a beautiful but somewhat strong-headed young woman. Her shining blond hair and iridescent eyes had the suitors lining up very quickly. The auction that her father staged to find a husband and to maximize his profit was won by an influential, but old and silly Venetian patrician, who sought a little distraction from the woes of his daily business in the arms of a young woman. The wedding was celebrated the same day, and when the next morning dawned, the old man lay dead in the bed and his young wife was gone.

Also disappeared was a young servant, who Alessandra apparently had persuaded to kill her new husband. Many said, that instead of the old Venetian Patrician, the young servant would eventually enjoy the sweet fruits of the wedding night and that this was his compensation.

Infuriated by the fact that he had to pay back all the auction money to the family of the Venetian, and a sizable amount on top of that to appease them and avoid a bloody vendetta, Alessandra’s father sent his henchmen out to catch her, dead or alive.

To get her hands on some much needed money for her flight, she eventually sold the young servant, who was hopelessly obsessed by her, into slavery.

After this, the following years are shrouded in mystery and no one can say what Alessandra endured and what she did exactly. She managed to disappear into the vast underground of society, where she learned valuable lessons and survival skills. It is rumored, that she joined a troupe of traveling musicians and actors for a few years, and after that she even became a mercenary in the private army of a southern German noble man.

But soon enough, she was back in Italy and tried to begin a new life, by posing as a widowed noble woman in search of a new husband. Her undeniable womanly attributes helped her to find a rich suitor quickly, and she was preparing the wedding already, when an attempt was made to kill her. But instead, she killed the assassin, who tried to strangle her in her sleep, by stabbing him in the eye with a dagger she always had under her pillow.

She had good reason to suspect the wrath of her implacable father behind this. Evidently, he never had forgiven her betrayal and was still looking for her, and eventually she realized that the only way to ever find peace in her life, she had to stop hiding and take measures into her own hands.

It was on a sunny and mild spring day, in an Inn in the city of Pavia, where her father and his entourage had stopped to get some food and some rest after a successful visit to the local market. Suddenly, after his second cup of wine, the old man began to choke and clasping his throat. His body shook in violent waves of pain, his eyes were bulging out of their sockets and his lips and tongue turned purple. None of the shocked bystanders was able to help him and after a few minutes, his cries changed into a pathetic whining while he was laying on the ground writhed with pain. Then he took a long last gasp, his hands helplessly waving in the air and his eyes full of astonished shock and disbelieve, and the last thing his dying mind recognized was his daughter, who was standing by the door in a black haired wig, staring at him with the cold eyes of an assassin.

 

After this episode, Alessandra realized that she could use her deadly talents not only to protect herself, but also to earn a living. After all, who would suspect foul play from a beautiful, cultivated and innocent looking woman? She was a master in disguise, knew the art of toxic potions, was trained in mortal combat and had long lost all her moral inhibitions.

And so she offered her services discretely to all who could afford her expensive talents, but could not afford to be connected to a certain person’s untimely demise.

She killed Generals of opposing armies, Senators who would not oblige to certain business proposals from powerful merchants, unwanted heirs of family fortunes, dangerous competitors for Duchies or Counties, and unfaithful husbands and wives and their lovers.

If her victims were young and good looking, she liked to seduce them, take them to bed with her and then smother them after they fell asleep. Old men and women she often killed by poisoning their meals or pushing them from towers, terraces or out of windows.

But at some times, she just used brute force and stabbed, clubbed or sliced her victims to death.

How many people she sent to death is not known, but eventually her reputation of never failing spread in certain circles of society, although no one knew her real identity.

Even the French King, Philip IV the fair, heard from her and when the time came to strike a blow against Pope Boniface VIII, with whom he was entangled in a heated dispute over church taxes, he remembered her.

His request for help could not have come at a better time for Alessandra, for her coffers were seriously depleted. All she earned, she spent immediately, never knowing whether there was another day to live and love and enjoy all the things money could buy. Furthermore, she had been rather careless lately in choosing her ever-changing lovers, and one of those had robbed her in her sleep, so she was in dire need of money.

 

Together with Guillaume de Nogaret, a confidant of the French King, she hatched a plan to seize the Pope. They knew, that in times of danger or great aggravation, the Pope would always leave Rome and go to his hometown of Anagni, where he felt safe in a little convent, run by a cousin of his.

The plan was for Alessandra to join the convent and open the gates for the French when the time came.

Alas, although she was successful in getting accepted into the convent with the help of a sizable monetary contribution, it was soon discovered that she was not serious about becoming a nun. Her libido could not be subdued for a prolonged period of time soon she sought male companionship in the form of the blind gardener.

Their improper relationship was discovered by two nuns, who threatened to reveal what they had seen to the Mother Superior. But before they had the chance for that, both nuns were dead. They found one with a broken neck in the well, the other drowned in a water butt. Even the poor gardener did not survive this night, because he apparently hanged himself after killing the two nuns. A hastily ordered investigation revealed proof of him having been involved in unchaste affairs with the two nuns, and it was obvious for the investigators, that the devil had his hands in all this. Sometimes, the devil appears in the shape of a beautiful woman, and without knowing the whole truth, the investigators were correct in a strange and obscure way.

To avoid a big scandal, everything was kept a secret and Alessandra from then on refrained from any activity that could jeopardize her mission. For several weeks, she lived the chaste and modest life of a novice, prayed and worked, slept and did no harm to any living soul.

 

Then, finally the day came when the French decided to strike. They staged an uprising under the poor citizen of Rome and the Pope, who was a fearful man, driven by inner demons and always suspicious of the power of the lower classes, panicked and left his palace under heavy guard for the alleged safety of the convent in Anagni.

The French, who just were a handful of men, knew that they could not risk it to attack the convoy on the march. Their orders were to catch the Pope alive and avoid unnecessary bloodshed. But they had their hidden trump card in the very walls of the convent and so they waited patiently for Alessandra to do her part in this conspiracy.

But that was easier said than done, because the Pope’s men guarded all gates to the convent, so Alessandra had to revert to trickery and seduction one more time to gain success.

In the middle of the night, when everybody was sound asleep, she approached a small gate on the Westside of the wall, where only one man was stationed.

“Have mercy and let me through, my dear darling waits for me in the town”, she said and smiled intriguingly.

The guard seemed not very inclined to honor this request and only shook his head.

With a coy look, she pulled back her cape and revealed a simple, low cut linen dress, which only scantily disguised the splendor underneath.

“If you let me through now”, Alessandra said with a notorious smile, “I promise you a moment in paradise when I come back.”

The guardsman, who could not withstand the magnificent sight of her voluptuous cleavage, and the promising prospect of burying his face in it, opened the door and was immediately overwhelmed by French soldiers, who had been waiting outside.

“You have done your duty, Madam”, said Guillaume de Nogaret with an amused smile on his face, “and if you wish to double your pay, you could give what you promised to this unfortunate guard to me later tonight.”

“Monsieur”, Alessandra replied, “this remark would normally cost you a valuable part of your anatomy. Pay me for my help, our contract ends here and now. Any further involvement with me, you would not survive.”

With that, she collected her money, turned around and disappeared into the night.

“What a shame”, de Nogaret said to his lieutenant with a grin on his face, “the most beautiful flower in the garden is also the most deadly. But come on now, we have business to do”.

That night, the French abducted the Pope, brought him to France, eventually forced him to abdicate and installed one of their own on the papal throne in the new papal residence in Avignon.

 

Feeling, that Italy was not the safest place for her anymore, Alessandra turned west, to France. But there she was greeted with cold reluctance, and she was strongly advised to leave as soon as possible, because her presence was seen as an unwanted reminder of the Pope’s unlawful abduction. As the old saying goes, they love the treachery, but despises the traitor.

Also, she heard rumors of a very sizable bounty put on her head by the Pope’s loyal followers in Italy, and so she rightfully deemed Europe as not safe anymore.

And so, Alessandra turned east and headed for Constantinople. But her ship never reached this magnificent city. A storm diverted it to the coast of the Holy Land and they finally landed in Tripoli.

What Alessandra did not know was, that she was recognized there by a Venetian trader, who brought the news of her whereabouts home.

To blend in and disappear from the face of the earth for some time, until she could return to Europe, she bought a little house in the city and dressed in the local fashion.

The bounty hunters, who were sent after her, found her nevertheless. They ambushed her in a small alley one day, and although she put up a fierce fight, it seemed as if this time the luck had left her.

But suddenly, a little group of men and women came out of a house just behind her. A blond woman, apparently the leader of the group, did not hesitate and ordered her male entourage to help the woman, who was obviously harassed by bandits. 

The men threw away their drums and drew their daggers. The bandits, realizing, that they did not stand a chance against the fierce and determined looking men, let go of her and ran away.

As it turned out, the blonde woman was a refugee herself. She came from Russia, where she was abducted by Mongols, but set free eventually by their Khan. Since then, she had wandered the endless deserts of the Orient and earned her living now as the leader of a little troupe of entertainers, dancers and drummers she had assembled during her travels.

They were on the way to Egypt, to perform at the court of the Sultan Nasser Mohamed Ben Qalawoon and invited her to join them.

Alessandra, who knew that the bounty hunters would eventually come back to get her, agreed and so she joined the little troupe.

And that is all, I can tell you for now about the dark mistress of death, Alessandra da Ferrara.

 

The Story of Falko von der Weser, the Pied Piper and a forever lost love

Faithfully recorded by Magister Absalom Exactor

 

As the times are changing, so does humanity. The virtues of knighthood are disappearing faster than raindrops vanish in a river, the cities grow ever more powerful and bigger and emancipate themselves from the rule of their former sovereigns, the artisan is more appreciated than the warrior, the merchant is richer than the country squire has ever been, and pale, spectacled scholars rule the world with books now, instead of the once mighty knights with their swords.

But fortunately, the masters of the manor at the Weserbogen had recognized the signs of the changing times early, and they were well equipped for the new era.

 

In the year 1281 A.D., his father sent the young Falko von der Weser to London, to help his uncle in his business ventures there and to learn the art of trading in the realms of the Hanseatic League. But soon, the young Falko got bored with the work as a merchant. He borrowed some money from his uncle and began to study the seven free arts at the nearby University of Cambridge. Two years he stayed there before he went back home. But soon enough he took off again, this time to finish his studies at famous University in Naples.

 

On his way to Italy, one day he met a rather strange fellow in a roadside Inn, who called himself the Pied piper. He was dressed in a shockingly red dress, and the people said, that he was possessed by the devil. His custom, they said, was to put the people under a spell by playing his flute, and then rob them or even murder them.

Falko became curious and followed the Pied piper when he left the Inn in the evening. The sun had almost disappeared behind surrounding hills, when he spotted the red dressed fellow talking to an old man on the road, who was carrying a golden amulet around his neck. Suddenly, the Pied piper began to play his flute and the old man fell down as if hit by a lightning bolt.

As the Piper kneeled down to take the golden amulet, Falko stepped out of the shadow of the tree, behind which he had been hiding, drew his dagger and stormed forward.

“You bastard, you thief”, he shouted angrily, ”let’s see whether your blood is as red as your dress!”

The Piper was surprised by the sudden attack, and so he jumped up and ran away, loosing the flute from his belt.

“You better watch out”, the Piper cried out from a distance, “you better always watch your back, because from now on, I will wait for you in the shadows.”

And with that, the dreadful man disappeared into the woods. In the meantime, the old man had regained consciousness, and he thanked Falko for his help and gave him a few Florins to show his gratitude.

But Falko was more interested in the flute the Piper had dropped as he ran away and before long he found it. However, this was no ordinary musical instrument, as he soon discovered. At the one end, it had a mouthpiece, but at the other end, it had several tiny holes. When Falko blew into the mouthpiece, not only a rather dreadful tune escaped the flute, but also a fine mist of vapor came out at the other end.

“That is, how he does it”, Falko said to himself, “he knocks them out with a soporific potion!”

He smashed the devilish flute with a big stone into many pieces and then went on with his journey to Naples.

 

His route led him to Trentino, where he visited his Italian relatives. They were involved in one of the many disputes between the cities of northern Italy at this time, and requested him to join their fight against the City of Pisa, with which they and the City of Genoa were at war. During his time with the Hanseatic League, Falko had learnt the art of seamanship, and as he was a member of a prominent and noble family, he was made the captain of one of the numerous vessels of the Genoese fleet. In the great naval battle of Meloria in 1284 A.D. he captured two ships by cunning and deceit. He let his men appear to be dead and the ship defenseless and out of control, and as the enemy tried to board them, they would surprise the Genoese and conquer their ship instead.

Although he proved his bravery in the battle, some noble Knights scorned him for not following the ideals of chivalrous behavior. But Falko only said to them, that the Lord gave men the mind as a weapon, to provide even odds against those with a bigger sword.

 

At the same time, as Falko was in Italy obtaining honor and fame, conquering ships and the heart of many a fine maiden, back home in the City of Hameln a truly evil piece of devilry was happening.

The wicked Pied piper had come to town and he promised the city council to rid the city of all rats, which where a menace in the streets and houses of the city, if they would pay him what he demanded. And the city council agreed to this, because they did not know how else to get rid of the rodents. And so the Pied piper played his flute, and put all the rats under a spell and they followed him into the river Weser, where they all drowned. The people rejoiced, but then the city council refused to pay the Piper, for he was only a traveling musician and as such had no rights after all, and they chased him out of the city with scorn and contempt. And the Piper vowed vengeance against them, and so he came back one Sunday morning, when all good people were in church, and this time he played his flute and all the children of Hameln followed his spell. He led them out of the city and into a big mountain, and they were never seen again.

The mourning of the parents cannot be described, and messengers were sent out to search for the Pied piper, but to no avail. The evil flute player, who clearly was a minion of the devil, or even the devil himself, just had disappeared from the face of the earth, and with him the children of Hameln.

 

On his way back from Italy, the Falko came along a dark and dense forest, when he suddenly heard the lovely tunes of a flute. He followed the alluring melodies and came to a clearing in the woods, where he saw no other than the evil Pied piper playing his devilish instrument. To his feet, a young girl was lying and she appeared to be dead.

“This will be your last concert, you mischievous sprite”, Falko said grimly and armed his crossbow.

As the Pied piper discovered Falko, it was already too late. Although he tried to flee again, the bolt from Falko’s crossbow reached him and pierced his evil heart before he could even make one step.

With an astonished look on his face, he clutched his chest and tried to pull out the bolt, and in doing so, he stumbled a few steps and then suddenly the ground beneath him opened and swallowed him.

This was a big surprise for Falko. Could it be, that this creature was a demon after all? Carefully, Falko walked over to the spot where the Piper had disappeared and then broke out into loud laughter.

The Piper had fallen into a deep rift in the stony ground, which was covered with bushes and leafs and thus was not immediately visible. There he was lying, twisted and tangled and just to make sure he was really dead, Falko shot another bolt through his head.

Then he took the dead girl to the next village, where her parents had waited vainly for her return.

 

So ended the mischievous creature that was known as the Pied piper. But when the Falko told this story when he finally was back home, mourning and wailing ensued, because although the Pied piper had finally gone to hell, he also had taken the knowledge about the whereabouts of the children of Hameln forever with him. And Falko, although he did not get any blame for his actions, because when he did killed the Piper, he had not known about the tragedy of the children, was full of grieve and soon he went away again to the western parts of the Holy Roman Empire, where he hoped to find a way to appease his guilt get his inner peace back.

 

In the year 1288 A.D. he fought with his crossbow and his mind at the side of the Count von Berg together with the populace of Cologne against the greedy Archbishop Siegfried. The battle of Worringen, which the contemptible parson lost, brought the city of Cologne freedom from his rule and made her subject to the Emperor only. Falko stayed in the Rhineland, where he accompanied the German King Rudolf of Habsburg, who fought there against the roguish robber knights until his much too early death in the year 1291 A.D. During this campaign, no less than sixty-six of their castles were destroyed and twenty-nine of these violators of the holy peace were hanged, a fate which they had brought upon themselves by living a life of sin. Falko spent the following three years in the Hanseatic City of Lübeck, which is known to all humanity as the jewel of the Baltic Sea. He conducted business for the family there, until he was forced out of the town because of an ill-fated love to the daughter of a very rich merchant. In the year 1295 A.D., when the City of Minden received the lucrative privilege to be admitted into the Hanseatic League, he had an impure relationship with a married woman, which forced him out of this town as well, and he just barely escaped the vengeance of the cuckold.

 

Soon after this escapade, the Falko went back to the western part of the Empire, this time as a Herald at the court of the new German King, Adolf von Nassau. But this man was a despicable caricature a king, who allied the Empire for bribes at the same time to the King of England and the King of France, who were at war with each other at that time. But he never kept his promises to either one of them and this whole affair brought a great dishonor upon the Empire and the German Kingship. Falko truly despised this man and he certainly would have left the court, but he had fallen in love with one of the Queen’s Ladies in Waiting. When the King heard about messages sent by Falko to the Duke of Saxony, whose loyal vassal he was, he feared that those contained a description of his two faced treaties with England and France.

And because he feared that Falko could be used as a witness against him, should the prince-electors of the Empire put him to trial for his treacherous acts, he had Falkos meal poisoned. Alas, the lady of his heart ate the meal instead and died soon thereafter in great pain. Now, the murderer Adolf von Nassau sent out his constables to catch Falko, whom he accused of killing the noble lady out of jealousy. Just barely did Falko escape and he went back to Saxony, where the Duke gave him protection. He vowed vengeance, and sure enough, soon he should have vengeance! But first, the seven German prince-electors had seen enough of the traitor and murderer Adolf von Nassau and they deposed him as King of the Germans in the year 1298 A.D.

 

Needless to say, that the rotten murderer Adolf von Nassau did not like this at all, and so he mustered an army and challenged the newly elected King Albrecht von Habsburg to fight for the crown. The battle took place on the Hasenbühl near Göllheim.

And in the midst of the raging battle, suddenly the Falko, who was leading a band of Saxon crossbow men, saw the Coat of Arms of the swine Adolf von Nassau. The coward was galloping away from the battle, and his path led him directly to the little ravine, where Falko and his men were lying in an ambush. No less than fifteen crossbow-bolts, undoubtedly guided by the Hand of the Lord, pierced the armor of the rat Adolf von Nassau and sent him to hell where he belonged. And so Falko had his vengeance, but he felt no satisfaction. He would have given his own life if this had resurrected his lady.

The new king Albrecht von Habsburg eventually won the battle and put Falko under his protection, because the family of the former king now wanted vengeance for his death by a lowly crossbow man. It was concluded that Falko, although under the protection of the King, was not safe in the Holy Roman Empire anymore, because the family of the dead traitor was mighty and had many friends and allies.

And so Falko was sent away by his King to wait far away for the day to return. He traveled to Egypt as an emissary to the Sultan, loaded with precious gifts and correspondence from the German King.

But how far is far enough? Nobody can ever know what his fate will be and thus it is useless to be afraid of the future. It could bring you riches and fame or let you die in the gutter. However, those who have faith in themselves and trust the mercy of the Lord will eventually be rewarded.

Falko spent several years at the court of the Sultan, until a strange little troupe of entertainers performed there one day. They stirred up quite an excitement at the court, where nobody had seen those kind of dances performed by European women before. Only with some effort from the royal guards was it possible to hold back all the Egyptian noblemen, who wanted to make certain proposals to them.

The Sultan, who had enjoyed the performances of the troupe very much, recognized that without a certain degree of protection the troupe would not make it very far out of the palace. And so he charged Falko, because he was a European too, with the duty to escort them safely through his lands. Additionally, Falko was by now versed in the courtly rituals of the Islamic world, and could act as an envoy for the troupe at the various courts they were invited to.

And so the German Falko von der Weser joined this strange band of dancers, drummers and entertainers and traveled with them through the mysterious vastness which is the Orient.

 

The deadly Codpiece

 

As the sun rises up each morning in the east, and sinks into the night every evening in the west, so life is a constant up and down for us mortal creatures of God.

My fortunes brought me great riches one day, whereas the next day I barely escaped the Grim Reaper. But through all times, good or bad, I always had the great luck to never get bored with my life. During my numerous adventures in foreign lands, I made the acquaintance of many fine men, but also of the most evil characters you can imagine. What I saw and heard on these journeys, I am writing down now, as my days are clearly numbered, to entertain you, amuse you and maybe even teach you a lesson or two.

 

My name is Cord von Bollenhusen, the profession is soldier of fortune. I came early to that bloody trade, when my mother, God might bless her soul, had to sell me, when I was still a young boy, to a Landsknecht Captain as personal servant to pay off the debt my father had brought on the family with his addiction to gambling, alcohol and cheap women.

That was more than forty years ago, and since then I became a Captain myself, fought many battles, killed many brave men on the battlefield and even more cowards, who tried to run away from my deadly two-hand sword. But now I am lying here, feeling my life running out through the wounds the damned Swiss gave me in a battle a few days ago, so I have to hurry to finish my worldly businesses.

 

I remember another battle, a siege really, in distant days when I was younger and my sword was sought by many princely warlords to help them win their futile wars against each other.

It was in the year of our Almighty Lord, 1512, when I was part of a large contingency of Landsknechts in the army of the French commander Gaston de Foix. We besieged the old town of Ravenna in Italy, and camp life was boring and tedious as usual.

I had become friends with some rogue men from all over Europe, and when we were not gambling our money away, we sat around having some wine and telling stories to each other.

“You know”, said Tomas, who came from Sweden and had hair that glistened in the sun, and eyes as blue as the deepest lake, “I once knew an Iberian by the name of Juan Tomas Navarro el Nochelobo, who suffered a strange fate. We were traveling out of Le Havre enroute to London, on a stout carrack named ‘Insolent Minx’ under English colors, when we, and several of her crew, saw a most wondrous sight: three mermaids chasing each other as they played in the waves. When they saw us, they waved and approached the ship, and one, an enchantingly beautiful redhead, went as far as to climb the side and cling to the gunwale as she checked her hair in the mirror that was Juan's freshly polished codpiece.

Seeing the three beautiful creatures, Juan was overcome by emotion and after telling me that he never has seen such beautiful creatures before, he threw himself over the side. A strong swimmer, he made idle chat with them for a while, but in a fit of laughter he lost his stroke and began to sink. He nearly recovered, but the pawing hands of the aquatic nymphs were too much for him, and he sank, dragged to the bottom of the sea by the weight of his codpiece. Fellows, don’t you think that this is a much more desirable end, than being hacked into pieces on the battlefield, which will likely be our fate one of these days?”

 

We all laughed and made jokes about the stupidity of the Iberian, when Leonardo, a small but wiry Italian musketeer began to speak :

“Well, as poetic and romantic this story might be, I too heard about this foolish Iberian. But my story is very different, and trust me, there were no mermaids involved!

I’ve been told that this proud and insolent Spaniard Juan with the long name climbed on top of the forecastle one day when the ship was approaching the English coast, drew his rapier, pointed it towards the sky and shouted from the top of his lungs "I am the King of the World"!

As we all very well know, there are several kings in this world, but none of those ever dared to claim the kingship for the whole world!

This act of shameless audacity certainly had to anger the Almighty, who truly is the real and only King of the World, and so He sent a lightning bolt from the heaven towards the earth, which struck Juan's rapier and knocked him overboard. Once in the water, his gigantic codpiece pulled him down and he disappeared silently in the vast gray ocean.

And all the passengers and the crew of the ship were frozen by the horror of what they just had witnessed and for the remainder of the journey, there was not spoken a single word onboard.”

 

“Wait a moment, my dear friend”, said Tomas the Swede amidst all the ensuing laughter, “had I not seen it with my own eyes, and had Juan Tomas been Spanish, instead of Basque, then I would believe your version to be closer to the truth of the matter, for we all know that the Spanish are insolent braggarts with delusions of grandeur, while the Basque are mild, to the point of humility, with a true understanding of proper behavior before God and their fellow man. And quite frankly, I think this sounds more like something Hawk would do!”

 

Everybody went silent immediately, because the so accused was known for his lack of humor. He was a sleek, dark fellow from Aragon who could gut a man with his stiletto while he was reciting an ancient Greek poem about true love.

But he just smiled faintly and said : “Not that I wouldn’t dare to challenge the devil, or his heavenly counterpart if it had to be, never would I wear such a frivolous accessory like a codpiece!”

Relieved, that he let his dagger in the sheath and showed some humor, we laughed and he kept on :”But you know, you are both wrong, because only I know the real fate of that Iberian Juan with the long name and the shining codpiece. Once, when I was in Turkish captivity, a fellow prisoner told me the story of his demise. And believe me, nor was there any godly act involved, neither were mermaids. Well, that is, at least, if you stick to the common interpretation of that term.”

With that, he grinned rather diabolically, took a sip of wine and kept on :”The Turks are known for their bad taste when it comes to the arts, and that is especially true for their music. It’s dissonant, awfully beside every note, a real concerto of dying cats and dogs. But there is one special form of music, they actually excel in, alas for a rather barbaric reason. They have male soprano singers, whose voices are so high that it is said, they can touch the clouds and let it rain. Well, that maybe a typical Turkish embellishment, but trust me, I’ve heard them singing and it sounds like a choir of angels. Unfortunately, the singers are not born with such marvelous voices, but they develop those only after their testicles have been cut off when they were boys.”

He looked around, saw our disgust, and with a little smile, he took another sip of wine.

“Those poor bastards are called ‘Castrati’, and one of my fellow inmates belonged to this class of people. He was a disgusting, short, ugly, fat man with man-boobs and a bald head, an appearance which was very common with his people, he assured me in a somewhat high pitched voice.

And he told me the real story of the Iberian Juan, who was traveling not from Le Havre to London, but from Toulouse to Naples. They were at sea for three or four days, when a sudden fog appeared, and the captain told them, that they now all had to go under deck and wear plugs of wax in their ears, which they eventually did, after some resistance. Being notoriously curious, Juan asked one of the crew why this strange order was given and the man told him, that they soon would pass an island, where Sirens lived who lured the unsuspecting sailor ashore with their beautiful singing, only to kill and eat every poor soul who followed this temptation.”

Hawk paused shortly to fill his empty cup, when some of us suddenly burst into laughter.

“My good friend, what are you trying to do to us? This is the story of Ulysses and the Sirens, which is well known for many hundred years!”

But Hawk just smiled again and said : “Young fellows, I applaud your knowledge of the ancient Greek stories! But don’t be so fast in your judgment and let me finish, for it might look like an old story at first, but trust me, this will drastically change once we move along.”

Anxious to hear the rest, we stopped talking to each other and waited for him to continue.

“So, Sirens, eh? This I must hear with my two own ears, Juan said to himself and to achieve this goal he bribed the captain to tie him to the main mast without wax in his ears. And so it was done. Juan was tied to the mast with a thick, strong rope so tightly that he was barely able to breathe. And soon enough, a lovely sound fulfilled the air, a sound of thousand nightingales, tender like the wings of butterflies it poured into Juan’s ears. At first, he was amazed and delighted, and enjoyed this beautiful music, which seemingly came directly from an earthly paradise. But after awhile he began to try to get out of the rope and he screamed, he begged and he promised great riches, if only the crew would untie the rope. But they just laughed at him and this only made him even more mad, and he cursed them with evil words and promised to kill them all if they would not cut him loose immediately.

But suddenly, out of the blue skies, a lightning bolt struck down, cut right through the rope and thus set the raging Juan free. With a triumphant howl, he drew his rapier and forced the terrified crew, to bring one of the boats to water. You fools, he shouted as he rowed towards the shore of a little island, go on with your miserable lives, while I will spend the rest of my days with those marvelous creatures in a land where milk and honey flows! And with this, he burst out in mad laughter, while the ship slowly disappeared into the fog.”

“So this is the sad end of Juan?”, asked Leonardo, seemingly somewhat disgusted, “Not very impressive.”

“Again, you are premature, my friend”, said Hawk, who just had emptied his third or fourth cup of wine. He opened another bottle, poured the thick, red nectar in his cup and continued with a truly diabolical grin on his face.

“Soon, the singing and the music grew louder and louder, and that only stimulated Juan to row even faster, until the boat finally hit the ground. He jumped out, and without any hesitation, Juan ran towards the beautiful voices, which now were very near. Full of joy and anticipation he ran up the beach, through a little forest, swam through a river, scaled a mountain and then, suddenly, in a little valley there was a clearing and there they appeared : six monstrous, ugly, bald headed, fat, half naked men with blubbering boobs and high voices – Castrati!”

For a second, we looked at each other in disbelieve, then we all burst out into loud laughter.

“Well, this is just very typical for a Spaniard”, shouted one of the comrades, ”they go out to conquer a beautiful siren and all they get is a male soprano!”

I have to admit that I laughed so hard, that wine, bread and poultry all came flying out of my mouth, my nose and quite possibly also my ears.

“As you can imagine, Juan was not very pleased with what he saw”, Hawk continued after we had calmed down a little, “because not only was he stranded now on this tiny island with half a dozen fat, ugly men instead of milk, honey and beautiful sirens. No, what was even more disastrous was that those Castrati actually saw him as a welcome addition to their sparse menu, and immediately began to chase him. And so he again scaled a mountain, swam through a river, ran through a little forest and down to the beach, all the while the marvelously fast and nimble, but still ugly and half naked men tried to catch him. Needless to say, that Juan reached the beach at the end of his strength, where he was shocked to discover that in the meanwhile his boat was a good half a mile away from the shore. In his hurry to get to the source of the wonderful music, he had not tied it down, and the waves had swept it away. But he had no time to lament his fate, because the wild bunch of ugly naked men stormed towards him and so he saw his only chance for escape in trying to swim to the boat. So he ran into the sea, barely escaping his pursuers, and he was about half between the shore and the boat as he began to feel his strength running out. Desperately he struggled to reach the boat, but to no avail. If only he could get rid of the gigantic codpiece, he would be able to make it – but his fingers had no strength left to untie it. Still fighting to get it loose, he sank to the ground, the boat almost in arm’s length. And so he found his end – chased by Castrati and drowned by his codpiece.”

With this, Hawk emptied another cup of wine and with now relatively glazed eyes, he remarked, “And you remember the Castrati from my Turkish prison cell? He was one of those on the island, where Sultan had banned them years ago for killing and eating one of his favorite mistresses. But because they gave the Sultan so much pleasure with their heavenly voices, he decided not to kill them instantly, but ship them to a deserted island where they would undoubtedly eat each other after awhile. But then came this stupid Iberian and now they finally saw their chance to leave the island, so they rested a little at the beach and then swam to the boat and sailed away - right into the arms of a Turkish pirate, who promptly sold them to the Sultan, who decided that they should rot in prison until the end of the world, now. And so I had the dubious honor to share a prison cell with one those man eating castrati, and just to keep me awake and not give him a chance to feast on me, I began to tell him some stories of my adventurous life while I was digging an escape tunnel and after awhile he started to tell me some stories of his own life. And I guess, he is still there in this prison cell, because when I finished the tunnel, he was still to fat to crawl through and got stuck in the middle.”

He starred into the air for a moment, gulped and farted loudly, and then slowly fell down on his back, where he remained for the rest of the day.

 

“Well, although the Spaniard is a very honorable man, I am afraid that his version of the story is not what really happened.”

He, who spoke so was a slim, pale, bald man from Bavaria, who everyone only knew by his nickname : the cat-gutter.

“I once sailed with a Spanish captain to explore unknown and strange countries, and one of my shipmates told me the story of an Iberian named Juan with a gigantic codpiece, who found his death in a most unusual way.”

“What can be more unusual than being chased by castrati into the sea and drowning because of the weight of the codpiece?”, Leonardo asked and shook his head laughing.

“Well, he drowned because the codpiece dragged him down to the bottom of the sea, alright”, answered the cat-gutter, ”but who did he got into the water in the first place? Well, I will tell you, how. The ship was at sea for many days, the last sight of the shoreline had already vanished into the mist, when suddenly a school of whales appeared beside the ship. Immediately everybody ran to the side of the ship to watch these marvelous and frightening creatures, who could swallow a man in one seating, so big are they. And as they stood there, one of the men brought up the question, whether one could ride those creatures, because they clearly were big enough to accommodate a grown man and if it was possible to steer them in any way, they could be used like horses on land.

At first everybody broke out in laughter, but soon somebody offered a bet to anyone who would dare to try to ride one of the sea-monsters, and he began to collect money from the bystanders. But nobody would step forward and take the challenge, until Juan said that if they would double the sum, he would not mind trying it. They all cheered and quickly the sum was doubled. But how to ride such a slippery fish? There is no harness, no saddle, no mane to hold on to during the ride. We will shoot a crossbow-bolt into the creature, one of the men said, with a rope tied at it. This should suffice to give you something to hold on. And everybody cheered again, and also the captain, who was very reluctant at first to hurt an animal bigger than his ship, was finally persuaded by the men to allow it.

If you double the sum once again, said Juan, I will not only ride the whale, but do so standing up, with my feet on its back instead by of my butt. Naturally, the men were eager to see such a spectacle and sum was brought up in no time. Then the crossbow was prepared and a boat was lowered into the sea, to row Juan and the shooter into position.

They reached the whales and Juan shouted to the crossbowman, friend, let us take the white one over there. And so they rowed near the great white whale and the crossbowman shot the bolt, but he did not hit the back of the creature, but the eye instead. Then Juan jumped overboard, the rope in his hands and pulled himself onto the back of the beast.

The boat pulled away and from the ship a big cheer was heard as Juan reached the pinnacle of the whales back. Then he graciously stood up, grabbed the rope with the right hand and waved to the ship with his left. No sooner than he heard the applause and the cheers from his shipmates echoing over the waves, the whale began to accelerate and changed course toward the ship. With horror, Juan caught a glimpse of the whale’s hurt eye, and he saw the anger and hatred of the big fish. Faster and faster the whale swam, and the cheers muted suddenly. Instead, orders were shouted, as the captain feverishly tried to change course to avoid a collision with the whale.

But it was too late. With a horrible hit the beast smashed into the ship’s hull, ripping it open just below the waterline. All the while Juan was still riding on the back of the creature, petrified and unable to move. But when the giant head of the big, white whale struck the ship, he was thrown off the back and sank into the foaming sea. There, fighting a futile fight to stay afloat, he saw in horror that the beast relentlessly hammered the ship with it’s colossal head, until it sank. And so did Juan, who finally was dragged down by the weight of his gigantic codpiece. Only the ship’s dog, who found a plank to hold on, and the carpenter, who crawled into a casket he just that day had finished for one of the men who had died before, were finally rescued. The whale, on the other hand, is still out there and some people say that they saw it wearing a gigantic, shining codpiece over his hurt eye.”

“I heard of this big, white whale, too”, shouted one of the comrades, and everybody looked at each other in disbelief. This was just to fantastic to be true, but no one dared to contradict the dreaded cat-gutter.

After a little while of eerie silence, Kenric the Scotsman, who always talked very slowly with carefully chosen words, said :”Lads, this might be true or not, I don’t know. But I too heard a story about the untimely death of the Iberian Juan with the big codpiece.”

“Go ahead and tell us, Kenric”, the comrades shouted and so he went on.

“The Iberian Juan was a brave, but not a very wealthy man. And not particularly intelligent, I might add, as we will see soon. But most of all, he was known as a man who loved the ladies and the ladies loved him back, regardless whether they were engaged or even married to another man. And Juan really did not care about those little non-essential details, he went through Europe’s female population like a hawk through a flock of sparrows. This, of course, led to many duels with cheated husbands, angry brothers or fathers, who tried to restore the honor of their names by shedding his blood. But Juan, masterful in the art of adulterous love, was even more proficient with his rapier and so he left not only a trail of broken, but even pierced and mortally wounded hearts.

One day however, his luck ended, as he had an affair with a noble woman in Paris. As usual, the husband was outraged and would have challenged him to a duel, but this time he also had gone one step too far with the lady, who became his mortal enemy the moment she found out, that he had also an affair with her daughter. So she hired a band of mercenaries to bring her the head of the unfaithful Juan, who discovered this plot to kill him just in time so that he could get away on a fast horse. He rode to the coast, the mercenaries close at his heels, and because of his hasty departure, he only had the few clothes on him, which he could grab when the hired killers broke into the room where he was just showing a maiden some tricks with his rapier. He left all his money, his boots and everything else behind and now upon his arrival in Calais, he had to hire on to an English ship as a deckhand to pay for his ticket out of France and away from the wrath of the angry lady and her hired assassins.

But little did he know that he came from the frying pan directly into the fire. The captain, who went by the name of Charles Laughton, was infamously known as a tyrannical bastard, who took his pleasure in torturing the crew for the tiniest of reason. Flogging was a daily routine and the victims often did not have any idea what they being punished for. Moreover, the rations were cut in half, and then in half again and yet once again. The morale sank low and lower, and soon there was talk about how to get rid of the sadistic man.

A young fellow by the name of Christian Fletcher took the initiative and planned a mutiny with some of his lads, one of which was our Juan. The came up with an elaborate plan to arrest the captain and his henchmen, set them out at sea in a boat, take over the ship and sail to Sweden, were they were would sell it and live there until the English law would not look for them anymore.

But before they even could get started with the mutiny, they were ratted out by a fellow for a loaf of bread and a cup of beer. The captain immediately called in a court of justice and they were found guilty of treason, mutiny and conspiracy. A long plank was brought out and one after the other had to walk it, plunging into the dark, cold sea when they reached the end. Juan was the last to walk the plank, and he did so with stoic calm, because he already had spotted a Danish sail at the horizon. He figured, that because they were not tied up and thus could swim freely, it would be possible for them to be rescued by the Danish ship. Alas, when he found himself under water eventually, he discovered to his horror, that he could not reach the surface, because something was dragging him down. He franticly fought the downward pull, but the light got darker around him and finally he lost the battle and sank to the ground. Of course, what he had not taken into account was that he had gotten so skinny due to the harsh diet which were forced upon them by the sadistic captain, that his big codpiece generated more downward pull than his exhausted body could generate buoyancy.

Ironically, all his lads were eventually saved by the Danish ship, and so would he, if he had not worn this ridiculously gigantic codpiece.”

 

This too was truly an amazing story and we all laughed our guts out, as Kenrick told it.

Then after the laughter had died down a little, I said : “So, to sum it up, all we know for certain is that there was a man from Iberia, Juan Tomas Navarro el Nochelobo, who drowned because of his heavy codpiece.”

I looked around and everybody seemed to agree to that. Than, pouring in some wine into his cup, Leonardo mumbled : “He probably just got drunk one night and fell overboard. May God rest his soul.”

With this, he raised his cup and we all joined him in a cheer for that poor fellow with the deadly codpiece, which inspired so many stories about his death.

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