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A first person account
|Welcome! This is my private site about mental illness. I'm 50 years
old. I live in Brandenburg, Germany. In 1988 I had a serious psychotic episode.
It was a strange experience. First I had only some pains in the heart area.
Then I had new insights in the world. And suddenly I was the centre of
an East-West world conspiration. I was the subject of a secret test. But
what I had to do I didn't know. My mother brought me to a mental hospital.
But there the situation became worse. Nobody told me about the sideeffects
of the medication. I thought it was a punishment for I had told too much
about the secret test. One night there were suddenly light flashes in my
head and a mysterious power wanted to control my mind. Next day I discovered
that it was a magnetic sensitivity (Maybe I was feeling the earth magnetic
field!?). The doctors weren't interested in that. My own explanation was
a mind control machine, run by the Americans. Then I discovered that the
television program was made exactly for me and my situation. It was a brain
perception trap. After months I didn't eat very much and feared to look
at anybody because of the mind controlling. So I went under the Electroconvulsive
Therapy (ECT). It worked very well. But before recovering I thought there
was a black hole in my head (the narcosis) and I had to destroy my thinking
for there was a possible supernova in my head. But after the last ECT I
slept 2 days and then I realized that I was in a normal hospital and thats
why I had to be ill.
In 1992 I wrote down my story first time, only for me and family. Since the first episode I had some relapses, but without hospital necessity. I've read some books about the illness and after a while I realized that my illness was in fact schizophrenia. The doctors don't want to tell you that.
You can write me an e-mail to
From 1983 to 1987 I've studied in Dresden (East-Germany) business management. Mostly pure theory because of the East. But I got the chance to work on computer programming. That was interesting for me. But it's a long way to become a good programmer!
After making my degree I got a job as a controlling assistant in a big company (8000 employees) in East Berlin. The bosses discovered my abilities in programming that little machine they had in this time. It were the first steps of application of personal computers in the company management. We 've got more "PC"s.
And I 've got more demandings of the bosses in case of scope and time of programming. A new department was created and so I should go in too. But I got very well together with my old co-workers and so I did't want. I went under extreme pressure of the bosses. One big boss told me in a personnel discussion that I were a nihilist and that I would end up at the edge of society.
You can say I should have laugh about that. But we were in communism and many people ended up on the edge because of not co-operating good enough with the party and the state. Every big company was controlled by them.
I was very upset and one day I got heart pains in the night. This seconds I thought it was created by that evil big boss and that he were the devil. Because of running too much in the wood I got a cold and so I was off sick for two weeks. The heart pain disappeared. (It was the nerves!)
In the summer of this year (1988) I had an unrequited love affair with a mother of two little school-girls. I was 25 and she 30. She wrote me a letter - "Good-bye, understand, it's better so". But I did't understand. It was a desaster. I was so unhappy and I could only think about her and my feelings. (If I met her first time I had warm heart pains.)
I couldn't explain myself this warm heart feelings and thought it was love and fate and so on. I had deep depressions and I couldn't look in this face-mask in the mirror. It was an up and down. I came to the point that I couldn't work anymore. I 've got heart pain, I trembled of weakness and I discovered new meanings in the newspapers and the world around me at all.
One night I thought there was orientated a ray gun towards me from the other house over the yard (for the heart pain). I thought, somebody wants to kill me and if I stayed I would be dead. So I went by bicycle at 2:00 a.m. 70 kilometers trough the city and over the countryside towards the home of my mom. Because of the discoveries in the newspapers and my observations of the people around me (I was kept under surveillance!) I thought I were in a big East-West test, totally secret.
My mother was very surprised to see me in that morning. She went working and I was sleeping the whole day. Next day I was wondering what I should to do next in this "test" and so I went before breakfast to grandma. Then my mother called the ambulance. I thought that is part of the test, so I didn't make a rebellion.
So I came in the mental hospital.
I was kept under surveillance in a top secret East-West test. Because I came from East-Berlin the East were the good boys and the West were the bad guys. First I only was filmed and messages were brought to me by radio and TV (it's a specific symptom of that illness that you feel such things - these are the overstressed nerves).
I got the medicine Haloperidol with bad side effects. I thought they tortured me because I was speaking about the test. Later I got a strange symptom, I could feel the earth magnetic field in my head. The doctors weren't interested in that. After this I thought there is orientated a very sophisticated mind control machine towards my head - in every life situation. I thought the mind control machine was running by the Americans (the bad boys) and the test was that I had to be careful what I was doing and thinking. I should never tell the Americans who I am and where I am. If I was outdoor I thought american spy satellites were looking at me.
I 've got thought compulsions never to think "Heil Hitler!" loudly in my mind for we were in East-Germany - a antifascist state. Later I was eating less and less because I thought the nazi prisoners were getting not much food too. This had to be my test! I was wasting away.
I thought the Americans could look with my eyes by the mind control machine. Realizing that I avoided to look at others and at me in the mirror not to betray anybody. In this situation the doctors in hospital treated me with ECT (electro convulsive therapy) two weeks, three times a week. In that weekend between the therapies I thought I was falling in a black hole (the narcosis), the whole earth was falling in a black hole, all the universe turned on its head because of that distinctive magnetic feature in my head. But I had an instability in my head! If I would think clearly, that would provoke a supernova I thought. So I disturbed my thinking by reading the words from the back. And every time the meaning was: Pay attention at the supernova! The news frontman in TV became nervously if I started to think a little bit clearly and instantly he spoke about explosions. I realized that the test watchers (East and West were together) had to kill me to save the earth. In the patient WC I was waiting my dematerialization by ray gun. I teared some of my hair out for the scientists to clone me with my DNA. It was like a nightmare.
But after last ECT I slept two days and I was recovered from this psychosis. I was wondering why I was in a hospital - I had to be ill. Only slowly I remembered the strange things. And I realized that all was fantasy.
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